Tuesday, June 16, 2009

1. I am 21 this year. 10 years ago, while surfing the net randomly, I discovered my first form of pornography. It was literotica, a sex story. It was a story of two sisters, one of which had her very first orgasm that night. I read it over and over again. My cheeks flushed, and I soon discovered what it was to 'get wet'.

2. Since that experience, I have masturbated. A lot. I learned a lot of things from that first brush of pornography, and soon moved up the ranks from softcore pictures, to hardcore videos. It was a inexperienced touch of myself, which then moved to inserting various objects in me (the fact that I was incredibly turned on by a pencil still amazes me to this day) and found that I most enjoyed a stream of water hitting my clit just right.

3. I wasn't very adept with orgasms. To clarify, when I felt like I was about to get there, I'd stop. I don't know why. There was always something that I couldn't overcome, I couldn't seem to get to that point. Might have been the printed pages of erotic stories I had in my hand while holding a shower head.

4. My first boyfriend and I started fooling around at 15. We spent afternoons doing nothing but discovering what exactly a penis does, and how exactly a pussy works. The first time I went down on him, I took the expression 'to suck cock' quite literally. He taught me most of what I know about blowjobs, and most of what I know about male ejaculations. But I never told him how to get me off, or what he needed to do, or where he needed to go. My job was to please him, and I asked for nothing more.

5. We broke up 6 months later, and we didn't have sex. He begged for it, and gave me all sorts of compromises. But I had that notion that sex was meant for the One. However, everything I felt when we fooled around - all the oral sex, the heavy petting - that was as close to 'making love' that I thought I'd ever get.

6. At 16, I lost my virginity to my second boyfriend. He was small, and I didn't love him like I did my first. I guided him in, and he came after 15 seconds. I couldn't feel much, and I wasn't sure if it was due to his small size, or my non-tightness considering I masturbated frequently. I was disappointed, and we tried again. We had 15 second blocks of sex about 3 times that night. I realised then and there that even though in all technicality I had lost my virginity, I would have rather had done it with my first boyfriend. I felt nothing but empty. Sex wasn't something I seemed to enjoy.

7. By 17, I had entered a new phase of sexual awakening, if you could call it that. My second boyfriend moved away, and I started a friends-with-benefits relationship with my first boyfriend. We fucked. Same rules applied, he knew what he was doing by now - after being with another girl - and so did I. But same rules applied, I never came, and I never requested him to do anything more than what he wanted for himself.

8. My body image was really destroyed by a man who is 8 years older than me. I was feeling horny one day, and called him up for sex. We have a prior relationship - when I was 12, he tried to fuck me, I only let him get as far as french kissing. We went to a seedy hotel in a seedy neighbourhood, and with 3 condoms in hand, we tried to fuck. He couldn't get it up. I wouldn't go down on him, not only because he was extremely hairy, but also I felt that it was my time to get what I wanted, instead of always giving in. He went down on me, and told me I tasted funny. He couldn't get it up, and told me that I wasn't hot enough for him, and that I didn't turn him on. We left right after, and we didn't have sex.

9. I have had sex with two virgins, my second boyfriend and a random guy. Random guy has the biggest dick I've ever seen, but he didn't know how to use it, and I was not patient enough to teach him, nor did I care enough to. I didn't want to have sex with him. I gave in, and he came in me. Despite all my sexual knowledge, I was not smart enough to get an emergency contraceptive. A friend of mine had an abortion a year ago from then, and I was secretly curious. I douched myself, and I didn't get pregnant.

10. I met the guy I've been seeing for the last year and a half two months after that incident. We started out as fuck buddies, and we fell in love. He has a girlfriend.

11. The sex was amazing. We fucked in the backseat of his car till my head was bumped and my knees were bruised. He was the only one who ever made me come, without prior instruction. He is the only one who always ensures that I come first, before he does.

12. Despite that, I still fake it sometimes. I don't come easily, and I don't want to disappoint him. I often feel like he's worked this hard, and he is this close - and all he's doing is waiting for me. So I fake it. I still can't shake off the fact that I always feel subservient, and that his needs (whoever 'he' is) come before me.

13. It is with him, that I first discovered what it was to truly make love. I love hearing him moan in my ear, knowing that I pleasure him so much. It really excites me when I hear him moan 'I love you' right before he comes - he never used to.

14. We've had anal sex twice. The first time we tried, it was orchestrated. Obviously, we planned beforehand. I arrived at his house with two bottles of lube in my bag, and he had a 12 pack of condoms. We made love as per normal, and then he went down on me. After which he asked if we should try. At that moment, I hated that it was so mechanical, and not at all natural like sex usually is with us. But I obliged.

15. It was painful. It was uncomfortable. But I got used to it. I felt like I was losing my virginity again, but it was everything it was supposed to be. I writhed in pleasure and in pain and somehow knew that he was there to catch me. He was afraid to go on, for fear of hurting me. We gave up, and made love normally. With my legs over my head, he slipped, and entered me anally. He didn't know. I stopped moaning, but he was coming. It didn't hurt all that much, but it wasn't particularly pleasant.

16. Despite that, I really like anal sex. We will most definitely try it again, but I don't want it to be a regular thing on the menu. I like the idea of it being a 'special' thing that happens on occasion.

17. We talk a lot about sex. Being in a long-distanced thing, cybersex and phone sex helps. I get really wet when I watch him play with himself. I fantasize at night of all the different ways we'd do it when we're together again. I watch too much porn, and he doesn't know.

18. After all the years with a broken body image, he has finally made me feel sexy. Despite being sexually active for the last 5 years, it was only in the last year that I have managed to have sex in broad daylight without feeling uncomfortable, although sometimes I still do.

19. I wish I had the ability to come easily. I don't know what it is that restricts me, maybe I just don't work that way. I have burned through boxes of triple A batteries with a vibrator that cost way too much - and still it takes me a while to get going.

20. Although once I get going, I get going.

21. I always wondered why no one questioned my libido. I'm very horny, and I'm very sexual. I've never needed to stop having sex - even after he's given up from being sore after 5 times.

22. I never really enjoy quickies, I like the knowledge that we have all night (or all day) to have sex. To do it this way, and that way. To explore, and to experiment.

23. I love kneeling down and giving blowjobs. I've only ever done it for one person, and he seems to love it too. I enjoy being subservient to the one person who would always ensure that I would come first, always. I love giving blowjobs in the car, while he's driving. There's that feeling of being kinky, that while on the highway with all these other cars zooming by, there's us, in that little world - trying to be normal, yet deviant at the same time.

24. I've fantasized about going down on girls. The furthest I've ever gone is making out with my best friend's girlfriend. She's straight - and I like to think I'm a wee bit crooked. We were drunk, it was a dare. Her lips were really soft.

25. My favourite love-making experience was with me on top, in a beanbag. He kept pulling me closer to him, and with his eyes half open with desire, he told me I was beautiful. I remind myself of that every time I doubt my body image, because I still do.