Monday, October 5, 2009

1. I think that there were indications of my sexuality as early as first grade. I remember having a huge crush on one of the popular girls in my class. We weren’t really friends, so I was really excited when she came to my birthday party that year. I remember being in awe of how pretty she was.

2. When I was in fourth grade. I became friends with a girl that lived across the street. When she would spend the night at my house (which was like every other week), we would stay up in my room very late... She would always initiate the touching. She would have me rub her nipples and her clit while she showed me what felt good to her. I started masturbating when she wasn’t around with the knowledge she shared with me. I always looked forward to her visits.

3. Besides the girl mentioned in #3, my cousins (boy- 1 year younger than me; and his sister- 3 years younger) were my only real friends. I wanted to share with them what she showed me. I did so mainly with the girl. We got caught one day by my grandmother, after which I wasn’t allowed to see my cousins for a couple years. No one explained to us what we were doing or why it was wrong. This happened when I was 11-12 years old. A couple weeks ago, at the age of 20, my aunt left a voice mail calling me a child molester, accusing me of intentionally perpetrating molestation on her otherwise perfectly innocent daughter.

4. My first “real” kiss was in a car parked across from my parent’s house under a street light at 2am. It was with my best friend’s ex-boyfriend. We started making out, then he pulled his penis out of his jeans. I reluctantly started touching it and rubbing it. That was the last time I touched a penis. I was 13 years old.

5. I have never had sex with a man, nor have I ever desired to. I have never touched a penis to my mouth, although I have touched 2 different ones. I do not anticipate ever touching one again.

6. When I was living with my parents, mainly the later part of middle school and throughout high school, I masturbated every morning before I even got out of bed and every night before I fell asleep. It took the rush of endorphins to get me out of bed in the morning. Even more so, I needed to masturbate to quiet my head at night.

7. I had never heard the words “gay” or “lesbian” until my first year of high school (which happened to be an arts high school). Almost immediately, I developed an intense crush on one of the seniors at school. When I found out she was a lesbian and I learned what that meant, I slowly but surely began to piece together my sexuality.

8. I had a suspicion that I was a lesbian, but I called myself bi. I didn’t want to rule out guys. I even tried dating my closest guy friend – which lasted all of 2 weeks. By my senior year, I accepted my lesbian identity. Since then, I’ve used the word “queer” to describe my sexuality – to accommodate my attraction to both women and transgendered people.

9. I really don’t remember the first time I kissed a girl. I honestly can’t even remember who it was with. I just assume that it felt so natural to me that it wouldn’t even stick out in my memory.

10. While I was in high school, I would write everything in my journal – which contained heavy sexual content. I was always convinced that writing was a healthy means of expression. Later, when my parents found it, they told me I was sick and perverted to write those things. My mom showed it to therapists, social workers, and my aunts and uncles. Because I refused to take it back after it had been “spoiled,” I lost some of my favorite poems and essays. To this day, I find it extremely difficult to write.

11. It was actually my father that found the notebook first. He had and may still have porn and alcohol addictions. When he confronted me with the notebook after he read it, he told me that he wished that a particular story I had written was about him and me. I went to the guidance councilor at school the next day, who called social services. Before admitting his addiction problems, he said that he was just testing me because he suspected I was gay. I was 16 at the time. My father has since turned to Christianity. He hasn’t had a drink in 4 years, although he has been caught surfing porn websites.

12. I love all kinds of women. Since I started having sex when I was 16, I have slept with a total of 16 women. 11 were white, 3 were black, 1 was black & Cherokee, and 1 was black, white, and Japanese. In my estimation, they have ranged in size from 115lbs to 300lbs. Some were extremely feminine, some fairly androgynous, some very butch. I have slept with women up to 1 year younger than me and up to 13 years older than me. Only half of them made me orgasm, and to my knowledge I have returned that favor to about half. I have only been in relationships with 3 women.

13. I would consider myself to be a switch even though I am very dominant. I have to be very comfortable with a partner in order to let her top me. But even when I am on bottom, I still enjoy feeling in control. I attribute this to my dual-gender personality. Because I am a woman, I feel like I constantly have to defend the masculine part of my identity, which is why I tend to be more dominant.

14. No matter how good a woman is in bed, if she is a bad kisser I get completely turned off. That happened with one person in particular. As much as I wanted to help her and maybe teach her how to kiss better, I didn’t have the heart to tell her.

15. Sound is sexy... most of the time. I hate it when women pant like a squeak toy. The best sounds are long moans, heavy and quickening breaths, and screams. Swearing in bed is always sexy. Sometimes I feel like saying someone’s name is really cheesy, mainly because it sounds forced or planned. In order for saying someone’s name to be sexy, it needs to sound like it just slipped out...

16. I enjoy watching feminist porn. The Crash Pad series is by far the best. I love that they have a wide variety of models and that each scene has a feeling of authenticity. I would really love to be in a scene with that production company.

17. I worked in a sex toy shop for over a year. Needless to say, that experience opened my mind sexually. I let myself explore and experiment with different things including lingerie, light bondage, rubber whips, nipple clamps, vibrators, anal beads, stimulation gels, and varying styles of strap-ons.

18. Strap-on blowjobs are fucking amazing. When I watch a woman suck on the end of my cock, I really do feel it on my clit. Watching the way her lips form so softly, yet firmly around the circumference drives me insane. When I’m in a bottoming mood, I love returning the favor.

19. I have a slapping fetish. Not just a tap... I’m talking about a full force, full swing smack that rattles my bones and leaves a lingering red stain on my skin. I like being slapped anywhere, especially across my face to the point that it shakes my entire skull. If it’s done hard enough, one good slap is enough to send me over the edge. I’ve found that my recent partners have been afraid of this because they are scared to hurt me - but the pain from a hard smack is the perfect complement to the pleasure of an orgasm.

20. I discovered a year ago that I could ejaculate. The first time it happened, I freaked out because I thought I pissed all over my bed! After I researched it and realized that I didn’t in fact urinate, I worked on trying to recreate that feeling. Now after practicing, I know exactly how to make myself do it. I’ve taught 3 of the women I’ve slept with how to do it also. Once you get past the initial embarrassment and shock, female ejaculation is fucking mind blowing.

21. My ears and my neck drive me insane. If you kiss, lick, suck, or nibble on either of them for long enough, I might orgasm. I also love it when I get “battle wounds” on my back (aka scratches, scars, hickies, etc).

22. My best orgasms come from a combination of clitoral stimulation and penetration. Very rarely will I come from just one or the other; the exception being oral sex. Even after I come from oral though, I usually want the combination with penetration.

23. I love making my partner come several times in a row. Even when she tells me she’s had enough, I love pushing her past her limit – to the point where all I have to do is lightly blow air on her sensitive areas in order to send a jolt through her body...

24. Intimate connection is the most beautiful force in the entire world – whether it is through conversation, playing music, performing, or making love. Life is about savoring those moments where you can feel that otherwise intangible space between souls. I believe that is why I love sex so much.

25. In a world where there is so much pain, stress, and sadness, giving someone pleasure is the greatest satisfaction. Watching her move, listening to her breathe, and feeling her body shake as the result of the pleasure I have just given her feels so fucking great. I would equate the feeling to donating $1 million to a children’s charity, giving a year’s worth of groceries to a single mom, or telling a cancer patient they are in remission. Yes. It feels that fucking great. I wish I could make love to everyone.