Tuesday, April 27, 2010

1. Almost everyone in my life knew I was queer before I did, one of my parents included. I was in hardcore denial until fairly recently, mostly because I was brought up in a place where "the gays were damned to eternity in hell" and where "fags" got beat up in school. Realizing I was someone that could inspire such strong feelings, even if they were bad ones, from so many people that I knew and grow up with was intimidating and liberating at the same time.

2. I hate when people say that I'm a lesbian. I don't think I am. I'm just me; who I happen to be sleeping with shouldn't mean anything. I may be with the most amazing woman on the planet, but I still think penises are cute.

3. That being said, if I had to identify as something I would say I'm gender-queerish. I would considering going through the transition process if I wasn't phobic of hospitals/surgery/drugs. I love it when people mistake me for a guy - those are the few times when I really feel like I'm myself.

4. Also, the first time I ever used a strap-on was quite possibly the most amazing sexual experience I've ever had. It was awkward and there was much laughter and general confusion, but I was lucky enough to be with a patient partner who knew more about what to do than I did.

5. I was engaged to a boy once. We'd dated for five and a half years and it seemed like the right thing to do. I'm so glad that I realized it was a mistake before we actually tied the knot.

6. My ex (#5) raped me - even if I didn't understand that was what it was at the time. He just pushed the issue of anal sex until I gave in and it was the most horrible and painful thing that has ever happened to me and I couldn't make him stop. I still can't handle any anal play because of it, I have panic attacks if my partner tries.

7. I've always been concerned about not knowing the limits of my own strength, especially in bed. My partner LOVES spanking but it took me a long time to be comfortable enough to try it. Turns out I really like spanking her so the moral of the story is that it's always good to try new things.

8. Body art and modification makes me horny. I think piercings and tattoos are unbelievably sexy, the more the better. I have twenty-three piercings and two tattoos with many more of both planned. There's just something about a person taking their already amazing and unique body and decorating it that I find so hot. It also shows that they're okay with a little pain, which I like to think means they might be okay with kinkier sex. True? I don't know - but it fuels my fantasies so I believe it.

9. Bondage is something I've had a hard time learning to enjoy. I really like my partner being able to touch me when we're having sex, but I have come to understand that she needs to be tied up and ravished every now and then.

10. I don't think I'll ever be okay with being submissive, I'm a top through and through. I like being able to control a situation and taking care of my partner.

11. My younger sister has had way more sexual partners than I have, but is still not okay with her sexual fantasies and kinks and I'm far more accepting of mine. I think that I've accomplished more with my few sexual partners in that respect. Learning that what you like is okay, no matter what it is, should be priority number one I think.

12. I'd never had an orgasm with the guys I slept with. I'd never masturbated either. It was just not something I understood at all - I grew up in a sheltered, Christian, homeschooler family where sex just was NOT talked about outside of "save yourself for marriage". My first orgasm was with my current partner and it was a revolutionary moment in my sex life.

13. I'm ashamed to say I faked it ALL the time with my male partners. I usually just wanted them to get on, get off and get out. It's something I wish I hadn't done, and looking back now I'm not sure why I felt I needed to do it.

14. When I first thought I might be having sex with my current partner I immediately ran out and bought "How-To" books on lesbian sex. I liked her so much I didn't want to screw it up. Performance anxiety? You bet.

15. Having a fuck-buddy did wonders for my self-confidence in the sack. Just knowing that there was someone out there that could just want my body and not necessarily need my intellect was strangely appealing.

16. I think one of my deepest, darkest fantasies is of a rape/non-con. scenario. I think it would help me get over a lot of my trust and control issues in bed. I also know that I'm not ready for it yet. But maybe someday.

17. I love that my partner thinks my rugby uniform is sexy.

18. I think dreadlocks are hot, even though I would never get them on myself.

19. I'm a size queen, the bigger the better, girth especially. Not freakishly thick or anything, but 2 1/2 - 3 inch dildos are perfect for me. I have yet to try anything bigger than that, but I'm pretty confident that I could not only take it, but love it.

20. Somewhere deep down I'm pretty sure I'm a romantic. Even if what I consider romantic is assembling a bookshelf or calling and bitching out the cable company just so my partner doesn't have to do it.

21. I was really, unspeakably, insulted when one of my friends said that I was 'U-Hauling' my partner because we had only technically been dating for a few months when we moved in together. It was so much more complicated than she understood and we both knew it was just the right thing for us, and hearing a decision that we had talked about at length trivialized pissed me off. There shouldn't be a timeline for a loving relationship in my opinion.

22. My whole back is almost hypersensitive, it's my biggest erogenous zone. Nipples, ears, neck, NOTHING compares to how sensitive my back is. The lightest of touches makes me horny, running fingernails across it makes me beg.

23. I once was so into going down on my partner that I got a nosebleed from breathing so heavily through my nose and not coming up for air properly. Had to learn that breathing comes first, cunnilingus comes second.

24. I can't watch porn. I've really tried to, all different kinds, but it either grosses me out or makes me laugh. I'd rather go off and HAVE sex than watch actors having it.

25. That being said, I really enjoy erotic literature and artwork. They leave something to my imagination.