Wednesday, July 14, 2010

1. I know I want to write this, but I don’t know where to start. I think that’s pretty much my approach to sex – I know what I want, but don’t know how to go about getting it , and why I am trying to learn to be less timid.

2. I’m very open-minded sexually. I am willing to try most things, and am keen to push the boundaries (my own). Even if the boundary seems far away from where I am now, I’ll move slowly toward it, breaking through each interim boundary until I’m ready to bash through the final one. And then find another. My only rule with regards to sex is consent. As long as there’s consent, the act is good. Pleasure is good.

3. I don’t know where I got #2 from. My parents hardly ever spoke to me about sex. My mom talked about my dad’s sexuality/sex drive as if it were a burden, a disease, something that disgusted her. She even told me that I was conceived at one of those times when he’d wanted to “screw” and she’d resisted, and how she’d hoped she hadn’t conceived that night as it was terrible for a baby to made when a husband rapes his wife. She’d make sure we knew she thought things like swingers and group sex were signs of a weak relationship. But she kept porn, and to this day does not know I know about her porn collection.

4. My husband is my favorite person. He and I have been together since we were very young. Initially, I wanted to move faster than he did. I always wanted to go to the “next base” before he did. The first time we had sex, we were both incredibly horny. We were at a friend’s house, for a party, in her bedroom. We couldn’t help ourselves. We fucked without a condom and it was amazing. It felt so good to have his penis inside me. Before that, I’d had “intercourse” twice. But I hadn’t wanted to. It was a peer-pressure thing. I’d lain there dead still, dead quiet, like a paper doll until he was done. I’d hated it. It hurt. I wanted it to stop but was mute. My friends had joked about how he’d complained that I just lay there. To this day I worry that they think I’m terrible in bed. Luckily, my husband knows I’m not ;-)

5. I always noticed pretty women. When I was 14 I had a huge crush on Angelina Jolie. I have always found it much easier to get along with boys/men than with girls/women. It took me till I was 25 to properly realize I am bisexual. I guess having had a partner since I was 13/14 I’d never really needed to think about it that much. I had a partner and always found I was not really attracted to anyone else – male or female. I’d notice they were good looking, but seldom fantasize about anyone else. Somewhere this all changed – we started investigating polyamory and I realized I am fully bisexual. I still can’t remember what event triggered the start of the investigation into polyamory. It's working quite well so far – we talk about sex and commitment and jealousy and emotions and all sorts a lot more openly now, and we’ve thoroughly enjoyed our “encounters” thus far.

6. When I was 17 a best friend of my husband and mine (who we’d done everything with – holidays, parties, the 3 of us were inseparable), started making moves on me. Every time we had alcohol he’d try and kiss me, and tell me he loved me. It got worse and worse until, when I was 19, we went away for the weekend. My husband did not come with as he was away at a LAN. We got stupidly drunk and it was very very cold. I was in my tent and he called me from his to come share to keep warm. I went. There were 4 of us in the tent and he started groping me. Once again I found myself frozen, dead still, like a doll. He pulled my pants down, went down on me for a very short while, stuck his dick half an inch in and then pulled out and came on my stomach immediately. That was the first and only time in my life that I’d had a smelly infection, and I still worry today that he thinks my pussy stinks (I can’t believe he even went down on me), and that I’m a dead doll in bed. I left as soon as the sun came up, fetched my husband and told him what happened. He blamed me and I blamed myself, even though I knew I didn’t want any of it. I saw a therapist for a year. I cried every time to the very last session. We stopped being friends for a long time, but now we are becoming good friends again. He has apologized to both of us, and I am OK with that, at long long last.

7. 25 seems to be a big year for me. I started my own sex blog and love writing posts for it, had my first threesome, first proper girl-on-girl experience, I got a naughty piercing a month before my 25th, and many other sexual confidence and -experience milestones reached. Most importantly, I think it’s the first year of my life where I have a positive body-image. From 13-20 I was relatively severely bulimic. My husband would literally hold me down to stop me from going to the bathroom after meals. It was only really due to living with him that the bulimia stopped, but I still had the self-hating thoughts. Somehow, I have reached a point of liking my body. I love my small tits, something I always loathed. Now I actually think my body shape is amongst my favorite for a woman. I can’t wait to see what comes when I’m 26.

8. My husband has a thing for pee. At first I freaked, then realized I was more hurt because he hadn’t shared it with me (why was I not approachable?), then realized he was ready to approach anyone and that’s why, and then started (slowly) pushing my own boundaries in this regard and am now looking to fun years ahead of experimenting with piss-play.

9. I like public nudity / exhibitionism in general. I think 26 will be the age I finally tan topless on general non-nudist beaches…. And do other stuff (without getting caught).

10. I like anal sex and thumbs and toys and stuff up my bum. I love double penetration. I’m not ashamed of that, I don’t see what the big deal with anal is.

11. When I was about 7, I was "playing" at a friend’s house after school. In her room, we played "house house"... but more like "couple couple" - we were a "married couple" going about couple-like things. I can't remember all the details... I know I wasn't very happy with the game, and wanted to stay on the floor, but she wanted to move into the bed to "cuddle". When we got on the bed, she said we must get under the blankets and take our clothes off. Again, I can remember feeling uneasy, but also wanting to impress (she was a much prettier girl and I was a shy, introverted child... I was definitely consciously using her to try be more popular and make more friends). We were under the blankets, I had my panties on, but she was completely naked. We were "cuddling"... and I was hot, and felt "funny down there". We were interrupted by our mothers, who freaked out, I was yanked home and sent to my room. Much later in the evening my mom and came in and nervously, but slightly angrily, asked me if there were any "bad things" happening to me that I needed to tell her. I said there weren't any, the truth. She then got very angry and told me to never ever do what I had done this afternoon again. (Sidebar: psychologists going crazy with theories about the girl, about my mom, and about my bi-curiosity, they are obvious theories, let’s move on...)

12. I hardly ever masturbate. But I think this is because I have been with my husband for so long, and he has always been around to service my needs when I am horny. I wonder why some girls claim they don’t masturbate. I mean, I know there is a societal stigma etc…. but really, why deny that you are a functioning sexual being? Claiming you don’t masturbate when you’re single is like admitting to the world that you’re sexually dysfunctional and somehow proud of it. Isn’t sexual health part of “health and well-being?”

13. Even though I love to read, write and talk about sex, I have never spoken about sex with my sister. The thought of that freaks me out. I’m scared we’d be too similar in our turn-ons, or not similar at all. I don’t know why that scares me, but it does. I know she enjoys sex, like me, because her husband makes that clear.

14. I wish you could buy vibrators in the grocery store, next to the condoms and lube. I know you can get the disposable vibrating cock rings, so maybe that’s a step in the right (sex positive) direction.

15. I like anal and pee and being tied up. This does not mean I like degradation. In fact, it’s the worst idea imaginable for me. I would hate to be called names or slapped and spat on during sex. I write this so that people know that things like rope-play can be done in a mutually-reinforcing way, and it's not always about a BDSM or rape-fantasy scenario. I like the ropes 'cause I am forced to not worry about moving or being active. Physically, I can be completely passive, and let my mind do all the work. And I’m not thinking about being an unwilling participant, ever. But that’s still OK for those who do…

16. People who know me think I only ever wear flat shoes. I have a secret cupboard full of high heels. I think they’re sexy. I like to take pictures in them.

17. I’m not one who enjoys sex when I have my period. I like to give my husband lots of blowjobs at that time. I have quite a thing for cock-sucking, but he is generally a giver in bed, so these are the few days where his cock is mine and he can’t let his hands/tongue/cock go wondering with the aim of giving me pleasure. It gets me really wet to give him blowjobs from flaccid to orgasm.

18. I think that sexual encounters are way better with people who one actually loves. By love, however, I don’t mean commitment, I mean love. I believe a person can love numerous people at the same time, without having to love any one of them less as a result. I believe that sexual interaction is a very positive and natural expression of love for another.

19. When I was 13 I was sexually promiscuous. I handed out handjobs and even a few blowjobs fairly easily. I once asked a boy if I could give him a blowjob and he declined and spread stories about me being a slut. I was quite open with my activities, though, so I don’t think it was news to anyone. It hurt me that people called me a slut, so, even though I actually quite enjoyed the encounters, I’d make out as if I had been drunk/high and regretted it.

20. I love someone going down on me, but it is easier for me to come if I have someone close to me – lying close to my chest, face, neck – breathing, touching, kissing as I near climax.

21. Another good way for me to come is the reverse cowgirl. Vibrator on clit, penis in vagina, fingers playing with bum and hearing him loving it…. Very close to instant climax.

22. I respond very well to smells and tastes. A healthy, hygienic natural smell and taste is great. Vanilla or something sweet on a woman and Axe Adrenalin on a man is amazing. The latter is my husband’s deodorant and has been since we met. Before we lived together, if he left a T-shirt at my place, I’d sleep with it to smell him next to me. Now if I smell it, I feel at home, so happy and content. A plant-based diet makes the best tasting men and women, so yes, your diet is important in determining what I will do with you.

23. I like going to strip clubs and watching porn. I worry that some of the girls are exploited, but how does one tell which ones? I do not believe that all porn, prostitution and stripping is necessarily exploitation or anti-feminist. This is a moral dilemma for me.

24. I think there is a double standard (amongst many) in which married men often complain about their unsatisfactory sex lives, how they want their wives to open up, be more exploratory, share their fantasies and desires etc, but these self-same men hide their kinks, fantasies and desires from their wives. Often, both are living secret sexualities and complaining that the other doesn’t open up about it. It does worry me, though, that for many of these men they cannot open up to their wives as these women believe anything slightly deviant- even just looking at porn- is some sort of illness. It is a great concern to me that many fetishes are classified disorders in the DSM-IV. See my point 2 – as long as there is consent, I don’t see how pleasure can be “wrong”. (I realize that things that become all-consuming to the point of ruining functioning in other aspects of life could benefit from some sort of help, but a specific desire or act in and of itself should not be classified as a mental disorder.)

25. Right now, I’d really love to have an orgy. Even just a masturbation party would be good.