Thursday, July 15, 2010

1. I am a 22-year-old cissexual heterosexual male who loves to push the boundaries of gender identity. I have a lot of feminine mannerisms and postures, and I have found that going crazy and exaggerating these traits leaves me feeling far more relaxed and confident in social situations. When called upon to act “traditionally” masculine, I freeze up and feel artificial. When I ramp up the camp and femininity, I feel completely natural. I have taken up cross-dressing on occasion, and I feel amazing whenever I do it. I love the idea of completely screwing with what people assume to be true when they think about heterosexual men. 

2. I absolutely love women’s hips. Forget breasts – as far as I’m concerned, a curvy pair of hips is the epitome of sexiness. I have dated at least one woman because I really, really wanted to touch her hips. 

3. With that in mind, I often don’t care too much about the physical appearance of the women I date. I have dated women that I have considered too skinny, too hip-less, too heavy (my threshold for weight is very high as it is), or even blonde. I feel that if I place requirements on appearance, I will risk losing the chance to connect with somebody truly special.

4. I have had a hypnosis fetish since before I knew what sex was. I know for sure that the first time I was ever turned on was while watching something related to mind control or hypnotism – I don’t think I was turned on by the sight of a woman until I hit puberty. Like many hypnofetishists, my first experience was likely watching the scenes from Disney’s The Jungle Book featuring Kaa the snake. It was one of my favorite movies when I was little, and I remember being so curious to feel what Mowgli was feeling as he slowly lost his will by looking in the snake’s eyes.

5. Related to my hypnosis fetish is my huge thing for immobility. It probably came about from the same sources, but I was fascinated by the thought of being trapped in my own body, a living statue. I remember being in a kids’ play at an art camp – there was a scene where we were all hit with a “freeze ray” and had to stand still. I was around six, and was utterly turned on by the thought of being frozen like that. I especially love the idea of a person being turned into a living doll – unable to move, but able to be moved and posed by others.

6. Around puberty, I began to regularly fantasize about being hypnotized, running through imagined scenarios in which I would be controlled in different ways. I would always get an erection from this, but it would be a few more years before I began to actually masturbate. At this point, I didn’t give much thought to who would be doing the controlling, just that I would be controlled.

7. Throughout my childhood and teens, I suspected one of my friends (that I had known since kindergarten) of having a hypnosis fetish herself. She was always interested in the idea of mind control, and she liked to write fanfics featuring characters (always self-inserts) who had mind control powers. She also read Molly Moon’s Incredible Book of Hypnotism and watched Totally Spies (which I later found out was VERY popular among fetishists of all sorts, but especially mind control lovers). She later vaguely expressed guilt about wanting to control other people before changing the subject. During adolescence, I tried many harebrained schemes to try and find out if she had the fetish; none succeeded, and to this day I do not know if she truly has a matching fetish or if she just has a macabre non-sexual interest. I plan on just directly asking next time there’s an opportunity; that will no doubt be incredibly awkward, but I’ve learned that if you want to live life to its fullest, you have to be willing to go nuts sometimes.

8. As puberty really swung into action for me, I started peeking at my brother’s porn bookmarks. I found that I was much more turned on when I imagined that all of the models were hypnotized into performing – until I realized that I could just use a search engine to find actual pornography with hypnotized models. To this day, I am unfazed by porn unless it features hypnosis – although this is not the case in real-life sexual situations (I become very easily aroused in sexual situations involving actual women).

9. After discovering hypnosis porn and erotica, I began searching the internet for every bit of information I could find on real-life hypnotism. I read up on how to perform it, what it was like, what it could and could not do, etc. I even found erotic MP3 induction files and listened to them. Learning how to do it became a hobby.

10. During my early teens, I practiced hypnotism on my male friends during sleepovers and camping trips until I got very good at it. At the time, I was very turned on even though they were males, and although I have not looked back at men (much) since getting my first girlfriend, I still ponder on this bit of bi-curious experimentation.

11. Somewhere along the line, I went from primarily submissive in my fetish to primarily dominant. As I said before, my early fantasies were all about being controlled and feeling my will being sapped away. However, at some point I began to thoroughly enjoy the idea of being the one in control. It was at least partially shaped by practicality – I proved to be a poor hypnotic subject (whenever my friends, taught by me, would put me under; or when I tried induction MP3s and videos I had downloaded), but a talented hypnotist.

12. For a long time, I struggled with my dominant tendencies. I felt that it was wrong for a man to dominate and control a woman. However, my participation in the online hypnofetish community gave me confidence that I could reconcile my belief in gender equality with my fetish – it wasn’t about being a male dominating women, it was about taking a role (with accompanying responsibilities and ethics) that suited me. Furthermore, these communities (along with some BDSM communities) provided suggestions and guidelines for ethical conduct in fetish play, which has been an invaluable resource. I also dedicated myself to making sure that whenever I indulge in my hypnosis and immobility fetishes, I make sure that it is a safe, comfortable, and enjoyable experience for the other person.

13. I enjoy providing pleasure more than receiving it. I love to see a woman feeling wonderful because of what I am doing, whether with my hands, my tongue, or my hypnotism skill.

14. I hypnotized my first girlfriend on our first date. We were not officially in a relationship at the time (we both strategically avoided the word “date” for an inordinate length of time due to terminal shyness), and the trance was not very deep, but it was awesome to me. She later turned on to be a natural at going into trance, and I rejoiced that she enjoyed the immobility play that I loved.

15. Although I hypnotized said first girlfriend many, many times, I never French kissed her, never saw her naked, and never got past second base with her. The latter two were because she was not comfortable with either; the former was because I more or less didn’t care enough to try, wrapped up as I was in the fetish-y fun. 

16. To this day, I am still a virgin. In fact, I have yet to give or receive oral sex; I have not even given or received a hand job. Nonetheless, my fetish has led to me leading a very fun and colorful sex life.

17. Sexuality and fetishism are a huge part of my core identity. I feel that my sexuality sets me apart from other people to the point that it is essential to the very experience of being me. My sexuality has taken on an even greater importance since I have begun to socialize with BDSM practitioners, with whom I feel comfortable and at home.

18. I once had a friend with benefits. I found the Erotic Mind Control Stories Archive in her laptop bookmarks and told her that I had the same interest. We played on and off for a while, having some truly spectacular sexual encounters. However, we basically hated each other and had nothing in common aside from this fetish. It was ultimately messy, unfulfilling, and painful; nonetheless, I learned a lot about myself.

19. Despite the problems, I relished the idea that my friend with benefits liked me only for my hypnotic/sexual prowess. It gave me a rush of power and self-confidence.

20. Some traces of submissiveness show up even in my dominating style. Whenever I hypnotize and dominate a woman, I always feel as though I am vicariously submitting at the same time. It is a curious sensation.

21. BDSM munches are some of my favorite social events. I love how the conversations start with fetishes and get incredibly personal. The people at these events tend to be very open-minded and kind to newcomers – it’s a wonderful atmosphere. I can’t help feeling good about myself and my sexual proclivities when surrounded by such awesome people who have similar interests.

22. I get a lot of enjoyment out of looking at attractive men. I do not consider myself bisexual simply because I prefer women too much to seriously consider a long-term relationship with a man, and no male-on-male sex acts interest me. Nonetheless, I have a strong aesthetic appreciation for men.

23. My parents never really talked about sex while I was growing up, and I never got a formal “talk” about it. I did find out that my parents had not had much (or possibly any) sex since I was born, which makes me kind of sad. I also found out that my dad is into BDSM, while my mom is adamantly not into it. I still have not broached the subject with my dad, and I do not intend to.

24. My mom and I recently walked in on my grandparents having sex. My mom was quite traumatized and did not want to talk about it. While I did not express it, my reaction was: “Hey, good for them!”

25. I’d still really like to try being a sub sometime, possibly during some bondage play. It would be a cool change of pace from being a dom.