Thursday, January 12, 2012

1. I'm a guy in my 20s. I was born female.

2. My first memory of sexuality was when I was in kindergarten. We were cutting celebrities out of magazines, one girl said "This lady is beautiful" and another girl said "You can't say that, she's a girl." I said "Why does it matter?" I remember wondering what it would be like to kiss the celebrity woman's rose-red lips.

3. In the playground, I vividly remember always being the boy. I didn't get along with my girl friends unless I was playing a prince, or male hero of some kind.

4. When I was 5 years old, I woke up to my best friend's mum's drunken boyfriend licking my vagina. Next thing I remember is my mum's boyfriend yelling, then violence. I remember his blood on the wall. I remember watching him walking away down the street, and me feeling sorry for my best friend. I feel uncomfortable about the memory because of the violence, and only feel awkward about the sexual circumstance because I’m "supposed" to. I've forgiven this stranger.

5. When I was about 7, I was at my mum's friend’s house, being minded by a 16-year-old boy. I thought he was really sweet. He told me he wanted to marry me. I remember him teaching me how to French kiss. His aunt found out and he got "the talk." I never saw him again.

6. When I was 12, I went on a sailing trip with my mum's boyfriend and his son. I loved this man a lot, he was a real dad and knew how to have fun. Unfortunately, he got drunk and started touching me. I was starting to hit puberty, and my body reacted. I wanted to know how it felt. But I knew it was wrong and pushed him away, jumped out of the boat and swam to shore. I remember sitting in the sand and crying all night in the rain, hearing him call out for me across the water. Long story short, police got involved but it went nowhere. I felt terrible about it and really let it affect me for most of my teenage years. When I was about 17, I called the man and told him I forgave him. I don't feel upset thinking of him anymore, but boats and that beach freak me out. I want to go back there and let it go.

7. It's hard to explain why I’m forgiving towards these people. One part of me says I should be angry about what they did. Another part of me knows I'm more upset about the emotional stress rather than the sexual nature of the incidents. I've felt ashamed when I've bought into the horrible belief that "kids who've been fiddled are fucked up." Some people experience far more traumatic stories than mine. I don't feel "damaged" by what happened, and refuse to let that pain be my story because I'm actually okay. To say otherwise would be disrespectful to those for whom it's really scarring. I'd rather understand that these adults made huge mistakes - the idea of them carrying pain when I’m all right bothers me. I don't want to hate them. I won't let their actions control my sexual self-esteem.

8. These experiences caused me to try things I probably wouldn't have, like kissing and playing "sex" with best friends and family before I hit puberty. I felt a lot of regret about these situations and have apologized to some of them, which they then opened up to me about, and instead of feeling ashamed about it, they've been able to let it go.

9. I started masturbating around 12 and would often spend hours pretending there was an imaginary person for me to build up to the "sex" with, putting together an elaborate scene until we finally fucked. I can always make myself come more than anyone else has managed, and it's always thinking about something filthy.

10. Age 14, I had sex but he didn’t pop my cherry. I visited a friend I hadn't seen since primary school. I got drunk for the first time on Jack Daniels and we walked to her older boyfriend’s house. He had a friend over. She went and slept with her boyfriend and me and his friend fooled around on the couch and he fucked me. It was exciting at the time, but he couldn’t keep it inside me and I kept thinking it was meant to feel better than it did. For a long time, I remembered every detail, what he looked like, his name, the music. Now all I've got is the taste of the cherry condom.

11. I had a mix of boyfriends and girlfriends in high school. It felt right with girls as I could be myself (dressing masculine, short hair, etc.), but with my boyfriends, I didn't feel right trying to be a guy with them - trying to use my girl body to get physically close to them always felt backwards. They weren't gay or bi, so we didn't fit. I never had sex with any of my partners until my current partner, they were more like intimate playmates. I'm still friends with all my exes.

12. Men, women, anyone in between; I love them all. Sex is about connections and pleasure, but gender comes last for me. I love people for the sexual organ between their ears. Imagination is what makes a person good in bed. I just go with "queer" and "poly" to make sense for other people. I’m more likely to think about making out with someone and sleeping with them than actually fucking them though.

13. I'm not really a video porn person, but I have gigs of naked art and photos. I love artistic sex. I'm more likely to watch porn that's really whack for interest more than masturbatory reasons. If I want to get off to anything, the sound has to be working. Moaning, whimpering, dirty talk. Mmm. Hearing someone enjoying themselves is more of a turn-on than seeing cum explode everywhere.

14. I'm in love with a beautiful woman. She's genderqueer, playing a boy often, but has no desire to transition physically. From the outside we're a stereotypical heterosexual couple. It's funny how people treat you differently, compared to being a lesbian couple. Funny and stupid.

15. We've been together for years. One night we were wrestling, we starting kissing, and the rest is history. When we decided to date, she said she wanted to try it with a boy one day. Our relationship was open before we knew of such a thing. Funnily enough, she hasn't slept with any cis-boys, and the few times we've been with other people, she's been with girls. She took my virginity a few months into our relationship one night when we were fooling around with ice cubes. It hurt a lot, but I was shaking with pleasure.

16. We had a third person to our relationship and we lived together for a time, and it was the hardest relationship I've ever been in. I learned a lot about wanting to be with someone physically and then wanting another person to share your life with. Even though it hurt a lot to let them go when we realized it wasn't working, we're still friends, and I'd be happy to keep an open mind for another person if they fit.

17. My favourite turn-on ever is role-playing characters. We can play all day, then when we're alone, we finally get to tear each other's clothes off and it's like fucking for the first time. It means we explore a range of sexual desires, kinks and chemistry. We stay playful and this keeps our lust fresh. Plus we grow to understand a range of personality types in the world, and learn lots about what other people find hot. We try it and if we don't like it, no biggie.

18. We're curious creatures and have explored lots of kinks. Some things we've tried are bloodletting, wax, spanking, bondage, toys, ageplay, incest, genderplay, costumes, rape fantasy. We research a lot beforehand, for safety and nerdy reasons.

19. Once we met this sexy guy at a costume party who was dressed as a character we both liked. He fucked me while she watched. My girl started whispering things in my ear and we secretly played boys while he fucked me.

20. I really like kissing. Touching is important for me, it doesn't have to be sexual, but I love touching people. Showing affection. I love giving blowjobs, worshipping my lover (only two guys, but anytime I've blown girls they lost control.) I've been told I've got magic fingers too.

21. My ultimate pleasure is getting fucked in the ass. I'd be happy with my girl pegging me, but we've struggled to find the right harness/toy that accommodates us both. I get really hot when she plays a dominating person, usually an older guy and there's an element of non-consent. I love the idea of being fucked until I can't walk. I used to be very uncomfortable with this fantasy for obvious reasons. I also had a lot of pain having anything in my boypussy, but since being on testosterone, it doesn't hurt and occasionally I’ll enjoy the feeling there.

22. If I’m topping, I want to know what the other person wants and will listen to what gets them hot and watch their body, doing everything possible to make sure they're loving it. I love making someone else come more than getting myself off. Love it.

23. I used to be feel like a hypocrite being transgender. I told people "be yourself" and "a man with nothing to hide has nothing to fear," yet I was striving to change myself. I felt frustrated because chasing external things to fix things on the inside never works. I've realized gender is different from that. Gender is important to each individual and it's their identity to own and discover, and it's no one else’s business to dictate.

24. I don't identify as trans publicly, but a huge part of me really wants to (make documentaries about gender/sexuality etc) because I think the world is changing, and despite the huge fear of ignorant bigots, I want to share who I really am to hopefully help others feel welcome and understood in society.

25. Sex has been wonderful and scary in my life. Finding this blog has helped my self-esteem a lot. Thanks to the sharers--you’ve shown me I’m pretty normal.