Sunday, March 18, 2012

1. I am a guy, I am 21 and I call myself bisexual.

2. When I write ”call myself” instead of ”am,” it's because I use the term for lack of a better word. I don’t see sexuality as something static--sometimes I like girls more, sometimes I like guys more. Most of the time I am more attracted to girls, though.

3. I have had sex with four people, all of them girls.

4. I think this number is pretty low, and hopes that it will grow a bit soon. But on the other hand, I'm not much for one night stands with strangers so we will see.

5. The first time I had sex was the night I turned 18. It was with an old friend, who I wasn’t at all interested in, but I was drunk and felt that I might as well do it. We were at a festival at the time, so we went to my tent and did it, no protection or nothing. Naturally the combination of being drunk and doing it for the first time led to a pretty crappy performance on my part. The relationship with my friend got a bit stiff after that, but we got past that awkwardness eventually. Now I just see it as a fun story.

6. Shortly after, I got my only real girlfriend that I have had so far. It was fun while it lasted, but we were both young, and she was a virgin when we got together, so we were both pretty insecure about sex. Still, we had quite a lot of it for a while. It turned out that I had a bigger sex drive than she did, which was frustrating. When we broke up, I had connected sex so much to her that even trying to masturbate was impossible for a while, since it caused me to think about her.

7. The first time I masturbated I was 12. Like most people, I got hooked on it pretty fast.

8. Not long after, I discovered internet porn. The first time I watched it I was so aroused that I started blushing all over my body. Not really knowing what kind of stuff I was looking for I often clicked the “hardcore” category, since it sounded like a sure way to find real sex going on rather then people getting undressed or something. I suspect that this may have affected my sexuality a bit, as we will see further down.

9. Blowjobs are a big turn-on for me. Receiving makes me feel in control, especially if I am standing up and the person is on his/her knees. I haven´t tried giving yet, but I would like to.

10. Going down on a girl is just as hot, although how she tastes can affect the experience quite a bit. For some reason, going down on someone makes me feel in control as well, being the one that hands out the pleasure.

11. I have had some transsexual thoughts: sometimes I wish I was a woman, and sometimes I walk around feeling like one. These occurrences have gotten rarer, though.

12. About six months after my break-up with my girlfriend, I started a sexual relationship with a classmate I met at university. We were not in love, and not really physically interested in each other that much either, but we both wanted to have sex every once in a while. We were not really hiding this relationship, but we were not really open about it either. And in the meantime we both looked around for other partners. She was a bit more successful on that front then me.

13. This arrangement was a good way to let out some sexual frustration, but the sex wasn’t very exiting, just the standard positions and stuff, no passion. Still, it was clearly better then nothing, so we kept doing it for well over a year.

14. Last summer I had a female friend over at my place, lets call her L. I don’t remember what she was supposed to do here, but we ended up in my bed touching each other on top of the clothes. We both wanted to go further, but she had a boyfriend, so we didn’t that time. Pretty soon I picked up on some signals from her and discovered that she was submissive, which I found to be a huge turn-on. So we played a little dominance game in the bed with the clothes still on. Despite that, it was still some of the hottest stuff I had done so far. After that I couldn’t get her out of my head.

15. About two months later L. was back in my apartment, and was staying for three nights. Her intention was not to have sex during these nights, I learned later. Just to play around like we did last time, and possibly kissing. Although she noted herself that she had shaved her vagina before coming here, so it's pretty likely that her subconscious had some other plans.

16. The first night we got undressed, the second night there was petting going on and the third night we had sex, and a lot of it. It felt great at the time, the whole submissive/dominant thing developed pretty quickly and organically into games of control, spanking, handcuffs and other stuff.

17. Although we both enjoyed it very much (she told me she had never felt so horny), there was still the issue of the fact that she did have a boyfriend. The third night, I had her hands chained to the bed and her all undressed. I was very much in the moment, and eventually I had sex with her. Not until a week afterward when she pointed it out to me did I realize that she had not actually agreed on that sex. She had agreed on giving me oral sex, but not penetration. I thought it was consensual, but it wasn’t, since she was still wrestling with the guilt about betraying her boyfriend. That realization wasn’t a very fun one, even though she didn’t seem to take it too seriously. It turned out she was used to men stepping over her boundaries, having been raped several times, and been in abusive relationships. That just made me feel more like a jerk. Moral of story: communication is everything, particularly when you are doing BDSM stuff. We are much better at that now.

18. Despite that less than perfect start L and I kept seeing each other and having sex, trying new stuff all the time, most of it related to BDSM. I suspect that us being together is making us both kinkier than we used to be. Before we started seeing each other, I was indifferent to spanking. Now I am not.

19. I soon discovered that her favorite kind of sex was anal. I had never tried that before, and it grossed me out and made me excited at the same time. Having tried now a few times, it's not my favorite, but I do it sometimes to make her happy, and sometimes just for variation.

20. While I like being the dominant person in bed most of the time, I also feel like being submissive sometimes. I think I used to be more submissive then I am now, but gender roles have made me more dominant.

21. Exploring BDSM has made me much more interested in feminism than I was before. I hope that having a better understanding of the hierarchies that I recreate in bed, there will be less risk of me accidentally bringing similar attitudes or behaviors with me into normal life.

22. My number one sexual fantasy is group sex with several guys and one girl. Preferably in a BDSM context. In my mind, when several guys have sex with one girl, it adds to the objectification of the girl, which is what turns me on. I used to be more disturbed by the fact that objectification turns me on. Not so much any more, though--I believe that it's possible to separate fiction from reality. The problem is that not everyone seems able to do that.

23. For a large part of my teenage years, I almost only fell in love with redheads. I think this was caused by a single crush that I thought a lot about after I couldn’t see her any more, and that somehow made my brain connect red hair with beauty/love.

24. I recently successfully fisted L. We have tried a few times before, but this was the first time we pulled it off. I thought it was really cool, and she had a massive orgasm, so it seems likely that we will try that again.

25. I prefer open relationships to closed ones. I don’t see why I should limit myself or my partner to just being with each other. But like with all relationships, this is of course something you have to agree on together.