Monday, May 28, 2012

1. I'm a 20-year-old cisgender female who identifies strongly as bisexual. I feel somewhat insecure in that, because people tend to misconstrue bisexuality as flakiness or fake. It's really just that I'm attracted to women and men equally, not an attention-seeking ploy, but not everyone sees it that way.

2. I've been "sexual" in some way with four guys, but I've only had traditional "insert your penis here" sex with two of them. The other two used their fingers an awful lot and I've always felt like that counted in a smaller way. I've never been sexual with women, but I have made out with quite a few of them. This isn't for lack of desire to go further. The opportunity just hasn't presented itself. I figure I'll get to that point when I get to it.

3. I lost my virginity in the "usual" way when I was 17 years old. I wasn't particularly moved by the experience, but it tore my mom to pieces. Our relationship changed a lot when she found out that I'd had sex and her poor reaction upset me more than the actual act. I've only recently realized that I can't blame myself for her inability to cope with my personal choices.

4. Loving my body is a process I think I'll struggle with for the rest of my life. I've been told by countless people that I wasn't enough over the years and as much as I hate to admit it, people's opinions of me affect me a lot. I am certainly not as insecure as I used to be, but there's always a lingering feeling that I'll never quite be pretty enough to suit people.

5. I've been masturbating since I was 11 or 12 and sought out porn around that age as well. It was horribly illegal, but I feel like I was developmentally ready for it. As such, a lot of my sexuality has become tied up in the visual. I love to watch.

6. I keep detailed lists of every place I've had sex, interesting or not. It's become a sort of game to collect all sorts of locations.

7. I have a longstanding fascination with the idea of fucking two guys at once (more specifically, blowing one while the other fucks me).

8. Around the same age I started masturbating, I saw "Secretary." I had no idea why they behaved the way they did, but watching James Spader bend Maggie Gyllenhaal over his desk and spank her put ideas in my head that I didn't completely understand until I was a bit older. Which is a roundabout way of saying I'm decidedly masochistic.

9. I enjoy pain almost as much as I enjoy the process of making someone cause me pain. I was once described by an internet friend as a "smart ass masochist," because I teased him so much he wanted to punish me for it. I take a weird sort of pride in my ability to push people's buttons,  and though I don't do this as much with my current partner, I don't doubt I will after awhile. I'm a glutton for punishment.

10. I'd like to experiment with the submissive side of my masochism, but I don't know that I'm mentally there yet.

11. Collars fascinate me. I have a thin black bracelet that looks like a cat collar that I sometimes wear. I get a weird kick out of it, especially around people who I know are also kinky.

12. Getting oral sex has always made me uncomfortable, as good as it feels. I'm incredibly shy, and also, it feels sort of selfish.

13. I take a while to orgasm, generally, and it bothers me. Men and women with weak wrists, apply elsewhere.

14. Polyamory is of interest to me, but not a necessity for my happiness.

15. Whispering in my ear what you're going to do/what you'd like for me to do is a surefire way to get me going if I'm not already ready.

16. Birth control pills completely destroy my libido, but keep my skin really clear. I will never be on them again if I can help it, despite being irritated with my face breaking out more often.

17. I legitimately like being told what to do, because it takes some of the initial embarrassment out of it for me. It's almost like they're giving me permission, which turns me on in a weird sort of way. I tend to ask if someone doesn't make it explicitly known. I worry that it's annoying, but it helps me get out of me head enough to really enjoy what I'm doing.

18. My current boyfriend has done wonders for my confidence level, and while I appreciate that, I also worry that I shouldn't need him for that. It's probably not healthy, but then again, neither is self-loathing.

19. I often utter some version of the phrase "Oh hell, if you're going to do it MAKE IT COUNT" during sex.

20. More often than that I say "You're going to fucking kill me."

21. When I was having sex in high school, it was usually in someone's basement or their bedroom, and we always had to be very quiet so as to not alert various parents and family members. This frustrated me, because I do make a bit of noise. To circumvent that, I bit pillows to quiet down. I still tend to bite things, but I really loathe forcing myself to be quiet. It feels disingenuous.

22. Drunk sex is either a terrible or great idea, depending on who you're doing it with and how you're doing it.

23. Being choked is something I never thought I would enjoy. It legitimately frightened me until my current boyfriend tried it. I'd be lying if I said I didn't panic a little bit when he grabs me, but it's a healthy panic. It's a fear I can explore in a safe way, because I trust him not to take it too far and to stop if I point out his taking it too far.

24. The first blowjob I ever gave ended with me grinning and saying "tasty." I really enjoy giving them. There's an odd sense of satisfaction involved with getting someone off. I dunno. It's probably the people pleaser in me peeking out. I have legitimate jaw problems and I would sooner take post-coital aspirin for the rest of my life than stop giving head.

25. The "and I jizzed in my pants" song tends to play in my head whenever my current boyfriend picks me up. It's something related to knowing he has the potential to have a lot of power over me and realizing that he doesn't abuse that. He takes it just far enough. It's a trust thing, really. Trust is as sexy as physical strength, more so even.