1. I am 31 years old and consider myself mostly straight.
2. I lost my virginity when I was 21. I've never really had a whole lot of luck with men.
3. I have made out with women before, and have been thinking more and more recently about having sex with a woman, but I don't necessarily consider myself bisexual.
4. I am an immigrant to this country, and I think that I identify strongly with gay people because of it. I really identify with their feelings of isolation and fear of discovery and being "outed," and draw a lot of parallels between growing up gay and growing up an immigrant. Homosexuality and transsexuality interest me; I campaigned for gay marriage in my state. I am extremely secure in my sexuality, but I am becoming more aware every day that it is not as black and white as I may have been raised to believe.
5. I was celibate for 4 years. At first unintentionally, and then on purpose. I know that the time I spent not having sex made me appreciate how I feel about sex and sexuality a lot more. I am more honest with myself about what sex means to me.
6. I have slept with 8 men in the last 10 years of my sexual activity. Two I considered boyfriends at the time, but ever only called one my boyfriend in public. Four were one-night stands. Four were friends with benefits. One was my best friend's boyfriend, whom I fucked while I was dating the only one I ever called my boyfriend. One was my best friend.
7. I had a mostly platonic relationship with a man. It made me realize that I was madly in love with him and I had a really fucked-up conception of love.
8. I have a hard time connecting sex with love.
9. I have a hard time connecting with people beyond sex.
10. Sex energizes me. I prefer to be on top. I like to be in control in bed as much as possible, and I prefer rough sex.
11. I have considered doing porn. I think that in this day and age, there is less stigma involved and more room to be who you want to be and still be seen as smart.
12. I don't know any new sex terminology. I don't really care.
13. I worry sometimes that I will never have a relationship beyond casual sex. I don't know what that makes me.
14. I was raised very religious, and my beliefs now contradict strongly with my upbringing. I am glad that I was able to overcome the church's narrow view of sex and sexuality, and never got brainwashed.
15. My sex drive fluctuates wildly. I can go long periods without thinking about it and then become insanely horny.
16. The best sex I have ever had was with a man I barely knew. He was 12 years older than me.
17. The man I am seeing now is much younger than me. I care about him, but I don't see our relationship going anywhere, and being with him makes me realize that I am ready for something serious. I feel like I may be too emotionally stunted to get it.
18. I saw porn for the first time when I was 7 or 8. It was a weird collage in my friend's attic. Looking back, I remember it now as a dusty framed poster of a collage someone made and hid in the attic. Looking back, that's insanely creepy.
19. I have three older sisters. We have only begun to talk about sex now that we are all in our thirties.
20. I don't remember having "the talk" with my mother, but I do remember her saying inappropriate things to me as a child that I am just getting as an adult. I find them funny, mostly.
21. I have never role-played in bed, but I have tried bondage. I would like to get into a relationship with someone who is very open sexually and with whom I can explore things.
22. I have only been in love with one person. We were extremely close for 10 years, and only had penetrative sex once. I was fiercely in love with him and he cared nothing about me. He just liked that I worshiped him.
23. I have never had sex with or even made out with anyone of my own race. I really, really want to.
24. I consider myself beautiful for the first time in my life. It has made me extremely selective.
25. My goal is to marry my soul-mate. I'm worried I'll never meet him.
Friday, August 19, 2011
1. I am a 28-year-old female from the States.
2. The closest thing I have ever had to a relationship is with the married man I'm sleeping with. I don't feel guilty sleeping with him. He makes me feel wanted.
3. I don't like anal sex, and used to cry when someone tried, but am more willing to do it with him.
4. The first time I had sex I was drunk off of a bottle of Mad Dog. I don't remember any of it but waking up and crying because I didn't have pants on. When I put too much thought into that night, I end up resenting my friends for letting it happen.
5. Guy-on-guy anything is hot. I wish I knew more straight men who were more bi-curious.
6. I like sucking dick. I got my tongue pierced to make it more enjoyable, and he doesn't like it at all, so I have to take it out.
7. I have gone years without having sex with anyone, because everyone I was sleeping with made me feel used.
8. I have had a few threesomes. I didn't enjoy a girl going down on me as much as I enjoyed doing things to her.
9. I am overweight, and have no problem getting naked.
10. I like being held down and tied up, and I think it should happen more often.
11. I love kissing. Which is a big switch from the way I used to feel--before, I never used to kiss anybody I was sleeping with.
12. I masturbate between one and three times a week. I have a dildo but don't like it, so I just use my fingers on my clit.
13. I love being on top and knowing that he has to look at me if he's got his eyes open, but the way I get off the fastest is when I'm lying on my stomach and he enters me that way.
14. Pierced dicks are a good thing, but it also helps if you know what you are doing.
15. I am more physically attracted to guys who are confident, but end up falling in unreciprocated love with boys that are quiet guys.
16. I refuse to take off my socks during sex.
17. The first time I had a guy go down on me, I didn't enjoy it at all, and didn't let anyone go down on me for a long time. The first time my FWB went down on me I couldn't combine words to make a sentence to tell him how AMAZING it was.
20. Up until recently I have never stayed the night in a guy's bed without anything happening, and just being close was a bigger turn-on than I could have imagined.
21. I don't like having my hair grabbed when I am going down on a guy, but he's an exception.
22. I like sober sex more than drunk sex.
23. I haven't slept with anyone who lives in the same town as me in 7 years. I don't plan it that way. I swear.
24. I love arms. And I'm not saying they have to be well-defined or anything like that, but they should not be just fat!
25. Smiles and lips melt my heart.
2. The closest thing I have ever had to a relationship is with the married man I'm sleeping with. I don't feel guilty sleeping with him. He makes me feel wanted.
3. I don't like anal sex, and used to cry when someone tried, but am more willing to do it with him.
4. The first time I had sex I was drunk off of a bottle of Mad Dog. I don't remember any of it but waking up and crying because I didn't have pants on. When I put too much thought into that night, I end up resenting my friends for letting it happen.
5. Guy-on-guy anything is hot. I wish I knew more straight men who were more bi-curious.
6. I like sucking dick. I got my tongue pierced to make it more enjoyable, and he doesn't like it at all, so I have to take it out.
7. I have gone years without having sex with anyone, because everyone I was sleeping with made me feel used.
8. I have had a few threesomes. I didn't enjoy a girl going down on me as much as I enjoyed doing things to her.
9. I am overweight, and have no problem getting naked.
10. I like being held down and tied up, and I think it should happen more often.
11. I love kissing. Which is a big switch from the way I used to feel--before, I never used to kiss anybody I was sleeping with.
12. I masturbate between one and three times a week. I have a dildo but don't like it, so I just use my fingers on my clit.
13. I love being on top and knowing that he has to look at me if he's got his eyes open, but the way I get off the fastest is when I'm lying on my stomach and he enters me that way.
14. Pierced dicks are a good thing, but it also helps if you know what you are doing.
15. I am more physically attracted to guys who are confident, but end up falling in unreciprocated love with boys that are quiet guys.
16. I refuse to take off my socks during sex.
17. The first time I had a guy go down on me, I didn't enjoy it at all, and didn't let anyone go down on me for a long time. The first time my FWB went down on me I couldn't combine words to make a sentence to tell him how AMAZING it was.
20. Up until recently I have never stayed the night in a guy's bed without anything happening, and just being close was a bigger turn-on than I could have imagined.
21. I don't like having my hair grabbed when I am going down on a guy, but he's an exception.
22. I like sober sex more than drunk sex.
23. I haven't slept with anyone who lives in the same town as me in 7 years. I don't plan it that way. I swear.
24. I love arms. And I'm not saying they have to be well-defined or anything like that, but they should not be just fat!
25. Smiles and lips melt my heart.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
1. I'm a 22-year-old woman who was born a woman and wishes to stay that way. In fact, I wish I was more of a woman.
2. I'm a virgin. I've never had sex with a man. I want to, very badly. I don't have extreme romantic fantasies about virginity and marriage. But I do have romantic notions about love. I want real love and serious commitment before I give it up. It doesn't have to last forever (in fact I highly doubt it will), but I have to feel loved and respected and a commitment. I've never felt that. Such a shame.
3. My sexuality isn't very simple. I am attracted to women too (of course) and have recently been feeling real feelings for a woman I work with. She is leaving soon and is in a very serious relationship, so I'll take that one to my grave. But my heart does race when I see her.
4. I had a pseudo-lesbian experience in middle school. I "talked" to a girl. Meaning we expressed our feelings for each other and pretended to pursue something. The whole school speculated about it and I'm somewhat traumatized that people were able to form opinions about my sexuality before I'd even sorted them out. I am also somewhat traumatized by the fact that my father and his wife confiscated many of the notes we exchanged. The fact that they read that stuff... I feel unbelievably violated.
5. Me and Number 4 almost kissed in the bathroom. There was a large build-up to this kiss. We were standing in the bathroom stalls at lunch. I grabbed her face and our lips touched for half a second before she pushed me off. She was pretty nervous too. I don't remember what happened exactly after that event but that was pretty much the end of that experiment. I never really felt anything that deep for her. Just a crush that caught me off guard, being as she was a girl.
6. When I was kindergarten-aged I had a sexual encounter with another girl spending the night at my house. We stripped down completely naked in my bed and started rubbing up against one another, kissing each other's naked bodies. I was very very young and rarely remember this occurrence. But it happened. I remember seeing body parts lit up by a TV screen. I also slightly remember what was on TV.
7. Number 3 is the first time I've seriously considered throwing caution to the wind with this whole girl thing. If she were available and wanted me I'd walk down the street holding her hand every day. Dodging spit, bullets, and conservatives along the way.
8. I have felt this way about men before. I guess if I absolutely had to choose, I'd choose men. In fact, with the exception of #3, I've never envisioned myself with a woman in a serious, long-term setting. So shout-outs to #3 for being that fucking irresistible. She has no clue how amazing I find her. Despite all of these feelings I have, it never seems to go anywhere. The people I'm attracted to are not attracted to me or are always unavailable. Maybe my standards are too high.
9. I started masturbating while I was 12 or 13. I believe this was before the middle-school lesbian stuff. I can't remember what I was thinking of that had me so turned on. But my pussy was screaming "find me!!!" And I did. I never stopped playing with myself. I do it very often. I feel very sorry for women that never masturbated. I'm also glad I started masturbating before I've had sex.
10. I watch a lot of porn. I've tried to look at almost everything. The thing that makes me uncomfortable is when it seems like the girl doesn't want to be there. Other than that, I'm not extra sensitive. My top 'get wet' porn categories are (in no particular order): women performing very sloppy and enthusiastic oral sex on a man, very passionate sex between a man and woman, girl eats girl, girl dominates girl, man dominates woman in very subtle way. I'm pretty literate in the issues surrounding porn. And don't worry, I don't expect real sex to be like porn. In fact I'm praying that real sex is actually... real. Which is the major ingredient missing from porn. Authenticity.
11. My feelings for men haven't got much wording on this list so far. I guess because in my head, homosexual tendencies seem a little bit more pertinent to discuss than hetero ones. Lately I've been delving more into my sexual and emotional attraction just to people in general. Masculinity definitely turns me on, in a man and a woman. A man's demeanor in the way he sits, walks, and listens is an amazing thing to witness. It's also rare to witness real masculinity that is subtle but still makes everyone uncomfortable. When I see that shit, I pretty much have to change my drawers. Both #3 and #4 are masculine appearing girls. Not in their physical looks because they both are very feminine physically (face and body type). Especially #3, who I wait for staff meetings just to sneak stares at her face. But they both dressed masculine and had the demeanor that you would usually see on a man.
12. I'm going to regret reading this several years down the line when I see I've included a specific person in many numbers on my list. So, future self: yes, you are pathetic, but... sex and attraction is a people's sport. It always has to be someone.
13. There are things from the past and present that I'm not disclosing on this list. I can't bring myself to.
14. I feel I will have very little inhibitions in trying to please my future lover (whoever he or she is). I want to be an amazing lover and I'll actually put in work to do so.
15. I've realized loving people is closely related to my self-esteem and my happiness. I don't love anyone and don't believe anyone loves me, so there that is.
16. Affection is definitely something I feel deprived of. But whenever anyone tries to display any affection towards me, I feel completely disgusted. I want to get up and run away, but I recognize that would be rude. People don't try that often. I think most people get the message that I don't want to be touched. And I don't want to be touched, because I hate feeling disgusting like that. But there are no words to describe how much I want to be held, and actually feel comforted and loved because of it.
17. My body disgusts me, and sometimes I come down from my love fantasy cloud and realize that no one will ever find me beautiful looking like this. And I'm not any of the things that people would (stereotypically) characterize as unattractive. But I see all my flaws and feel like they outweigh the good qualities by a ton. I hope God does not punish me. I know I should be grateful that my body functions and consider the plight of all that people out there with serious handicaps. I do know this, however, it makes no difference when I see myself naked in the mirror.
18. Oh yeah, I have a relationship with God. Which is the reason for my belief in what love is and the love I'm capable of giving. Clearly I need to learn to love myself first, but it's easier said than done. I don't believe God dislikes gay people. And not just because I'm obviously not straight but because I believe God is about that love. And love between anyone is great.
19. I wish there were a better segue into my next point but there isn't. I fantasize about giving a man the best oral sex he ever received in his life. I feel like giving head is a powerful act. You've committed to giving that other person pleasure but at the same time are in complete control. True leadership.
20. I stay pretty informed about the politics surrounding sex, and have very strong opinions about it. One I'd like to share: young girls are just as sexual as young boys and should be allowed to explore it. The shaming has created a generation of young girls that have sucked a dick before they've rubbed their own clit. That really sucks. I don't want my virginity to be misconstrued as some sort of duty or Christian obligations. It's my decision, based off what I want from my life. Everybody should make the decisions they feel is best for them.
21. I can't directly touch my vagina when I masturbate. I have to use a sock or a cloth in between my hand and clit. It just feels really weird to my hand. Also, my clit is too sensitive and the touch of my fingers is too much. I have put my fingers in, but want to save most of the fingering until after I get some dick.
23. I want children and family so very badly. But marriage means nothing to me. If I never get married I'm certain I'll die cold and lonely, except, you know... I won't.
24. One of the reasons I've never envisioned myself long-term with a woman is because I want children so badly. And one of the reasons I want children so badly is because I was abused by my mother when I was younger. I want to do right by them. Love them unconditionally.
25. I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder when I was about 18 or 19. I remember being severely depressed at several points in my life. But the depression I experienced leading up to that diagnosis is indescribable. I feel stupid even writing it because my understanding of it is still inadequate. I will never be able to really love someone and trust them sexually if I'm not able to communicate and overcome that part of my life.
2. I'm a virgin. I've never had sex with a man. I want to, very badly. I don't have extreme romantic fantasies about virginity and marriage. But I do have romantic notions about love. I want real love and serious commitment before I give it up. It doesn't have to last forever (in fact I highly doubt it will), but I have to feel loved and respected and a commitment. I've never felt that. Such a shame.
3. My sexuality isn't very simple. I am attracted to women too (of course) and have recently been feeling real feelings for a woman I work with. She is leaving soon and is in a very serious relationship, so I'll take that one to my grave. But my heart does race when I see her.
4. I had a pseudo-lesbian experience in middle school. I "talked" to a girl. Meaning we expressed our feelings for each other and pretended to pursue something. The whole school speculated about it and I'm somewhat traumatized that people were able to form opinions about my sexuality before I'd even sorted them out. I am also somewhat traumatized by the fact that my father and his wife confiscated many of the notes we exchanged. The fact that they read that stuff... I feel unbelievably violated.
5. Me and Number 4 almost kissed in the bathroom. There was a large build-up to this kiss. We were standing in the bathroom stalls at lunch. I grabbed her face and our lips touched for half a second before she pushed me off. She was pretty nervous too. I don't remember what happened exactly after that event but that was pretty much the end of that experiment. I never really felt anything that deep for her. Just a crush that caught me off guard, being as she was a girl.
6. When I was kindergarten-aged I had a sexual encounter with another girl spending the night at my house. We stripped down completely naked in my bed and started rubbing up against one another, kissing each other's naked bodies. I was very very young and rarely remember this occurrence. But it happened. I remember seeing body parts lit up by a TV screen. I also slightly remember what was on TV.
7. Number 3 is the first time I've seriously considered throwing caution to the wind with this whole girl thing. If she were available and wanted me I'd walk down the street holding her hand every day. Dodging spit, bullets, and conservatives along the way.
8. I have felt this way about men before. I guess if I absolutely had to choose, I'd choose men. In fact, with the exception of #3, I've never envisioned myself with a woman in a serious, long-term setting. So shout-outs to #3 for being that fucking irresistible. She has no clue how amazing I find her. Despite all of these feelings I have, it never seems to go anywhere. The people I'm attracted to are not attracted to me or are always unavailable. Maybe my standards are too high.
9. I started masturbating while I was 12 or 13. I believe this was before the middle-school lesbian stuff. I can't remember what I was thinking of that had me so turned on. But my pussy was screaming "find me!!!" And I did. I never stopped playing with myself. I do it very often. I feel very sorry for women that never masturbated. I'm also glad I started masturbating before I've had sex.
10. I watch a lot of porn. I've tried to look at almost everything. The thing that makes me uncomfortable is when it seems like the girl doesn't want to be there. Other than that, I'm not extra sensitive. My top 'get wet' porn categories are (in no particular order): women performing very sloppy and enthusiastic oral sex on a man, very passionate sex between a man and woman, girl eats girl, girl dominates girl, man dominates woman in very subtle way. I'm pretty literate in the issues surrounding porn. And don't worry, I don't expect real sex to be like porn. In fact I'm praying that real sex is actually... real. Which is the major ingredient missing from porn. Authenticity.
11. My feelings for men haven't got much wording on this list so far. I guess because in my head, homosexual tendencies seem a little bit more pertinent to discuss than hetero ones. Lately I've been delving more into my sexual and emotional attraction just to people in general. Masculinity definitely turns me on, in a man and a woman. A man's demeanor in the way he sits, walks, and listens is an amazing thing to witness. It's also rare to witness real masculinity that is subtle but still makes everyone uncomfortable. When I see that shit, I pretty much have to change my drawers. Both #3 and #4 are masculine appearing girls. Not in their physical looks because they both are very feminine physically (face and body type). Especially #3, who I wait for staff meetings just to sneak stares at her face. But they both dressed masculine and had the demeanor that you would usually see on a man.
12. I'm going to regret reading this several years down the line when I see I've included a specific person in many numbers on my list. So, future self: yes, you are pathetic, but... sex and attraction is a people's sport. It always has to be someone.
13. There are things from the past and present that I'm not disclosing on this list. I can't bring myself to.
14. I feel I will have very little inhibitions in trying to please my future lover (whoever he or she is). I want to be an amazing lover and I'll actually put in work to do so.
15. I've realized loving people is closely related to my self-esteem and my happiness. I don't love anyone and don't believe anyone loves me, so there that is.
16. Affection is definitely something I feel deprived of. But whenever anyone tries to display any affection towards me, I feel completely disgusted. I want to get up and run away, but I recognize that would be rude. People don't try that often. I think most people get the message that I don't want to be touched. And I don't want to be touched, because I hate feeling disgusting like that. But there are no words to describe how much I want to be held, and actually feel comforted and loved because of it.
17. My body disgusts me, and sometimes I come down from my love fantasy cloud and realize that no one will ever find me beautiful looking like this. And I'm not any of the things that people would (stereotypically) characterize as unattractive. But I see all my flaws and feel like they outweigh the good qualities by a ton. I hope God does not punish me. I know I should be grateful that my body functions and consider the plight of all that people out there with serious handicaps. I do know this, however, it makes no difference when I see myself naked in the mirror.
18. Oh yeah, I have a relationship with God. Which is the reason for my belief in what love is and the love I'm capable of giving. Clearly I need to learn to love myself first, but it's easier said than done. I don't believe God dislikes gay people. And not just because I'm obviously not straight but because I believe God is about that love. And love between anyone is great.
19. I wish there were a better segue into my next point but there isn't. I fantasize about giving a man the best oral sex he ever received in his life. I feel like giving head is a powerful act. You've committed to giving that other person pleasure but at the same time are in complete control. True leadership.
20. I stay pretty informed about the politics surrounding sex, and have very strong opinions about it. One I'd like to share: young girls are just as sexual as young boys and should be allowed to explore it. The shaming has created a generation of young girls that have sucked a dick before they've rubbed their own clit. That really sucks. I don't want my virginity to be misconstrued as some sort of duty or Christian obligations. It's my decision, based off what I want from my life. Everybody should make the decisions they feel is best for them.
21. I can't directly touch my vagina when I masturbate. I have to use a sock or a cloth in between my hand and clit. It just feels really weird to my hand. Also, my clit is too sensitive and the touch of my fingers is too much. I have put my fingers in, but want to save most of the fingering until after I get some dick.
23. I want children and family so very badly. But marriage means nothing to me. If I never get married I'm certain I'll die cold and lonely, except, you know... I won't.
24. One of the reasons I've never envisioned myself long-term with a woman is because I want children so badly. And one of the reasons I want children so badly is because I was abused by my mother when I was younger. I want to do right by them. Love them unconditionally.
25. I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder when I was about 18 or 19. I remember being severely depressed at several points in my life. But the depression I experienced leading up to that diagnosis is indescribable. I feel stupid even writing it because my understanding of it is still inadequate. I will never be able to really love someone and trust them sexually if I'm not able to communicate and overcome that part of my life.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
1. I am 23 years old, a cisgendered straight woman and also a virgin.
2. About that virginity: I was not raised with any kind of a religious background. What shame I have about sex and my own body was handed down secondhand from my formerly Catholic mother who disliked my proclivity for touching myself when I was a child. Which is a thing I gave up on until fairly recently. I’m mostly just awkward as all hell, and have a regrettable tendency to get hung up on guys who are not interested in the least, while disregarding the affections of the ones who are or might be interested in me. They call it “avoidant attachment.” Ladies and gentlemen: My Life.
3. My family thinks I am a lesbian. If I was gay, I think this would be pretty great, because the way they tell me they think I am a lesbian is by hinting obliquely that they would be very supportive if I “had anything important to share about my life” and sighing when I try and explain that plaid flannel shirts are trendy now. As I am not a lesbian, it gets a little irritating, but I try to remember the closeted gay kids who would kill to have my supportive family.
4. I call myself a “knowledgeable virgin,” because I have done my best to be well researched and informed on sex. This is partly because graphic, clinical, joyfully enthusiastic, nerdy descriptions of sex, gender and evolution turn me on, partly because I have to be informed or I wouldn't be able to follow the conversations my friends have. I also feel that the stereotype of the blushing virgin is just not me, and inappropriate given my age and actual level of background horn-radiation.
5. Oh, the horniness. The problem with having a crush--and I seem to get crushes the way other people get chronic illnesses--is that I’ll have these full-body sensations of longing, like a hot sparkling hunger I can feel wash over me from my cunt to my joints and in my teeth and bones. I can’t control these “attacks” or when they happen, aside from that they seem to be triggered by the scent of the guy I am encrushed upon. But if I happen to get struck with one somewhere where I can get to myself, well...
6. I can have all of the orgasms.
7. I actually figured out how to make myself come last year, which seems super late, because it is. Before that, I guess I could get myself close by clenching my thighs together while sitting or by running (this is why I loved PE despite never, ever, having been in shape), but I don’t think I ever came.
8. I kind of made a project of it, really. I was all “OK, I am too old to not be having orgasms, the Orgasm Fairy is not going to come by with a little basket of them tied up in ribbons, time to give it a shot! Amateurishly lurid erotica? Check! Hand on clit? Check! Let’s do this! Time to figure out what feels good!” And then I checked Wikipedia afterwards to see if what I had just done was an actual orgasm.
9. I was surprised by the pelvic contractions. I do rather enjoy them.
10. My interest in sex has gone through the roof after this “discovery”, and I think so has my general level of background-horniness. The more orgasms I have the more I want to have. This particular feedback loop has lead to some very non-productive Saturdays. (And Tuesdays, and afternoons, nights, mornings--pretty much all of my alone-time, really.)
11. I can get myself over the cliff with just my hands and my imagination, but it’s much faster if I have something to read or with my little black bullet vibrator. I haven’t watched or looked at much porn, because it seems I get turned on by specific words or imagining the sensations being described. This could also be because all the porn I’ve seen so far has been terrible and not worth my time.
12. I will mutter and repeat specific words and phrases to myself when I don’t have any erotica to read. My masturbation is otherwise dead quiet.
13. I know a love spell. It is, in point of fact, the only love spell that works. It’s cross-cultural and will induce infatuation for an indeterminate time span up to four years in the subject to be be-spelled. I even know how and why it works, but I don’t think it stops being magic just because of that.
14. I have gone on one "date" on which I was taken back to a guy's apartment after talking to him for a bit on OKCupid. Color me dangerously naïve, but he said we could play video games and chat. I was not aware that this was code for “I barely know you, but let’s have sex” when I agreed to come over. He was my first kiss, and awful as that evening was, I don’t regret all of it because I learned a very important thing from him: it’s not worth it if a guy is just into me. I have to be into him too. Seems stupid, but there you have it.
15. I left to walk home in the rain before he really got anywhere aside from awkwardly down my shirt.
16. After that disaster, I figured masturbation beats online dating any day of the week.
17. Technical second kiss: I received a very toothy hickey from a classmate for an art project he was doing. It was awkward as hell, and he pretty much gnawed at my neck for an eternity or two. Another thing I would like to try with someone I actually give a crap about
18. I think part of my basic problem is that I come on too strongly towards the men I am interested in. I tend to think of myself when I come on to guys as the comical ugly and large Eastern European lady masseuse character, who takes unwanted liberties with young men that she overpowers. And then I hate myself, because I don’t want to be a rapist because guys don't know how to say no; I want to be wanted back.
19. I pretty much need to stop being a creep. I’ve been creeped at before--it isn’t fun. Nobody likes creepers.
20. The guy I am currently hung up upon has actually been really helpful for this, because he is a gigantic sexy tease and a flirt. I don’t think he honestly has any interest in me outside of the fact that I pay attention to him, and he’s been spooked that if he did get into it with me that I would want to tie him down with obligations and commitments (as opposed to say, rope, which is what I would actually like to tie him down with), but he’s pretty tolerant of my awkward flirtations while half leading me on and half telling me I’m not his type and he’s too broken to be in a relationship. I consider his gentle non-serious on-leading to be the most encouragement I have ever received from anybody I actually liked, and I have been caught puppy-dogging and Facebook-stalking him far too often.
21. I know it’s terrible because everybody I know has told me that it’s terrible, and I can objectively see that it’s terrible, I can listen to myself and the words that come out of my mouth and hear that it’s terrible, I’m reading the above entry and I can see how bad it is, but whenever I’m around him the logical part of my brain gets overridden by the reptile brain that thinks he smells like a sexy pine-tree-man that I would like to be in, on, and around me at all times.
22. And I know it’s the smell because I can snap myself out of it by wearing a dust mask. I smell him in the building where we both go to school (dude is pungent, I have to admit, I can walk in the door and know he’s been there) and imagine the tendrils of scent wrapping me up in an embrace, curling into my nose and lungs like green smoke.
23. Reading sex and gender books and blogs has done weird things to my reactions to people and thus to my reputation. Somebody brings up easily mockable pervs who are turned on by pretending to be babies, for a recent example, and I’ll say “but that’s sweet, they just want somebody to take care of them totally, and it’s not like they are turned on by actual children, just by pretending to be children” and the room will go a little quiet, and then I’ll be mocked a bit for my Rocky Horror-sparked appreciation for guys in black leather corsets.
24. So my reputation is that I am a Virginal Kink, possibly one who has no idea what she is getting into, which is objectively true, but I do resent the patronizing that comes along with it.
25. I just really want to try out and learn pretty much everything, I’m just waiting until it’s mutual before I give up my V-card. I figure that’s how it should be. until that point: practice, practice, practice.
2. About that virginity: I was not raised with any kind of a religious background. What shame I have about sex and my own body was handed down secondhand from my formerly Catholic mother who disliked my proclivity for touching myself when I was a child. Which is a thing I gave up on until fairly recently. I’m mostly just awkward as all hell, and have a regrettable tendency to get hung up on guys who are not interested in the least, while disregarding the affections of the ones who are or might be interested in me. They call it “avoidant attachment.” Ladies and gentlemen: My Life.
3. My family thinks I am a lesbian. If I was gay, I think this would be pretty great, because the way they tell me they think I am a lesbian is by hinting obliquely that they would be very supportive if I “had anything important to share about my life” and sighing when I try and explain that plaid flannel shirts are trendy now. As I am not a lesbian, it gets a little irritating, but I try to remember the closeted gay kids who would kill to have my supportive family.
4. I call myself a “knowledgeable virgin,” because I have done my best to be well researched and informed on sex. This is partly because graphic, clinical, joyfully enthusiastic, nerdy descriptions of sex, gender and evolution turn me on, partly because I have to be informed or I wouldn't be able to follow the conversations my friends have. I also feel that the stereotype of the blushing virgin is just not me, and inappropriate given my age and actual level of background horn-radiation.
5. Oh, the horniness. The problem with having a crush--and I seem to get crushes the way other people get chronic illnesses--is that I’ll have these full-body sensations of longing, like a hot sparkling hunger I can feel wash over me from my cunt to my joints and in my teeth and bones. I can’t control these “attacks” or when they happen, aside from that they seem to be triggered by the scent of the guy I am encrushed upon. But if I happen to get struck with one somewhere where I can get to myself, well...
6. I can have all of the orgasms.
7. I actually figured out how to make myself come last year, which seems super late, because it is. Before that, I guess I could get myself close by clenching my thighs together while sitting or by running (this is why I loved PE despite never, ever, having been in shape), but I don’t think I ever came.
8. I kind of made a project of it, really. I was all “OK, I am too old to not be having orgasms, the Orgasm Fairy is not going to come by with a little basket of them tied up in ribbons, time to give it a shot! Amateurishly lurid erotica? Check! Hand on clit? Check! Let’s do this! Time to figure out what feels good!” And then I checked Wikipedia afterwards to see if what I had just done was an actual orgasm.
9. I was surprised by the pelvic contractions. I do rather enjoy them.
10. My interest in sex has gone through the roof after this “discovery”, and I think so has my general level of background-horniness. The more orgasms I have the more I want to have. This particular feedback loop has lead to some very non-productive Saturdays. (And Tuesdays, and afternoons, nights, mornings--pretty much all of my alone-time, really.)
11. I can get myself over the cliff with just my hands and my imagination, but it’s much faster if I have something to read or with my little black bullet vibrator. I haven’t watched or looked at much porn, because it seems I get turned on by specific words or imagining the sensations being described. This could also be because all the porn I’ve seen so far has been terrible and not worth my time.
12. I will mutter and repeat specific words and phrases to myself when I don’t have any erotica to read. My masturbation is otherwise dead quiet.
13. I know a love spell. It is, in point of fact, the only love spell that works. It’s cross-cultural and will induce infatuation for an indeterminate time span up to four years in the subject to be be-spelled. I even know how and why it works, but I don’t think it stops being magic just because of that.
14. I have gone on one "date" on which I was taken back to a guy's apartment after talking to him for a bit on OKCupid. Color me dangerously naïve, but he said we could play video games and chat. I was not aware that this was code for “I barely know you, but let’s have sex” when I agreed to come over. He was my first kiss, and awful as that evening was, I don’t regret all of it because I learned a very important thing from him: it’s not worth it if a guy is just into me. I have to be into him too. Seems stupid, but there you have it.
15. I left to walk home in the rain before he really got anywhere aside from awkwardly down my shirt.
16. After that disaster, I figured masturbation beats online dating any day of the week.
17. Technical second kiss: I received a very toothy hickey from a classmate for an art project he was doing. It was awkward as hell, and he pretty much gnawed at my neck for an eternity or two. Another thing I would like to try with someone I actually give a crap about
18. I think part of my basic problem is that I come on too strongly towards the men I am interested in. I tend to think of myself when I come on to guys as the comical ugly and large Eastern European lady masseuse character, who takes unwanted liberties with young men that she overpowers. And then I hate myself, because I don’t want to be a rapist because guys don't know how to say no; I want to be wanted back.
19. I pretty much need to stop being a creep. I’ve been creeped at before--it isn’t fun. Nobody likes creepers.
20. The guy I am currently hung up upon has actually been really helpful for this, because he is a gigantic sexy tease and a flirt. I don’t think he honestly has any interest in me outside of the fact that I pay attention to him, and he’s been spooked that if he did get into it with me that I would want to tie him down with obligations and commitments (as opposed to say, rope, which is what I would actually like to tie him down with), but he’s pretty tolerant of my awkward flirtations while half leading me on and half telling me I’m not his type and he’s too broken to be in a relationship. I consider his gentle non-serious on-leading to be the most encouragement I have ever received from anybody I actually liked, and I have been caught puppy-dogging and Facebook-stalking him far too often.
21. I know it’s terrible because everybody I know has told me that it’s terrible, and I can objectively see that it’s terrible, I can listen to myself and the words that come out of my mouth and hear that it’s terrible, I’m reading the above entry and I can see how bad it is, but whenever I’m around him the logical part of my brain gets overridden by the reptile brain that thinks he smells like a sexy pine-tree-man that I would like to be in, on, and around me at all times.
22. And I know it’s the smell because I can snap myself out of it by wearing a dust mask. I smell him in the building where we both go to school (dude is pungent, I have to admit, I can walk in the door and know he’s been there) and imagine the tendrils of scent wrapping me up in an embrace, curling into my nose and lungs like green smoke.
23. Reading sex and gender books and blogs has done weird things to my reactions to people and thus to my reputation. Somebody brings up easily mockable pervs who are turned on by pretending to be babies, for a recent example, and I’ll say “but that’s sweet, they just want somebody to take care of them totally, and it’s not like they are turned on by actual children, just by pretending to be children” and the room will go a little quiet, and then I’ll be mocked a bit for my Rocky Horror-sparked appreciation for guys in black leather corsets.
24. So my reputation is that I am a Virginal Kink, possibly one who has no idea what she is getting into, which is objectively true, but I do resent the patronizing that comes along with it.
25. I just really want to try out and learn pretty much everything, I’m just waiting until it’s mutual before I give up my V-card. I figure that’s how it should be. until that point: practice, practice, practice.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
1) I'm 21 years old and FAAB; the only word that I've found that feels right for either my gender or my sexuality is queer. However, I usually present as femme, occasionally androgynous, because I have a very femme body shape. This disappoints me sometimes.
2) I can't remember how I first found out much about sex, but vaguely think it came from sex education lessons in class when I was 11, and a book on the same which my parents pointedly left around at about the same time. I learned a hell of a lot more when I discovered fanfiction at about 14, and have been on a voyage of discovery ever since.
3) I don't think I'll ever stop learning about sex, and I certainly hope not. I desperately wanted to be sex-positive from a young age, before I really knew what sex-positivity was, because I didn't understand why people were ashamed. However, like many people, I had society's expectations forced upon me and acted rather prudishly -- unwarrantedly so -- until I reached about 18, and it was like waking up.
4) I think part of the reason I took so long to catch on is because I was abused as a child and teen. Emotionally, verbally and physically, rather than sexually. But it took a massive toll on my self-identity and sense of worth, and I'm still trying to work out how to handle some things.
5) I told my first shrink to go fuck himself because he was more interested in my gender/sexuality than in the fact that I had been abused for the majority of my life. My gender and sexuality have never caused me problems, or serious dysphoria. Luckily, my current one doesn't bat an eyelid, and it makes me feel much more secure that she doesn't seem to see me as some sort of freak because I'm not cis/straight.
6) I was vaguely aware of sex and masturbation -- though not as words as such -- as a child. I occasionally used to rub against pillows or duvet, but my 'fantasies' (so to speak) were generally part of much longer and more complex stories I used to create, awake or asleep, as I've been a lucid dreamer for years. This stopped about the time that I hit puberty, because my family situation also worsened.
7) I hit puberty at 12, and did so very calmly. When I was thirteen I had D-cup breasts, and they've grown pretty consistently since. I think they've now stopped. My figure is one that most women would kill for. Sometimes I like it, sometimes I'm indifferent, sometimes I get vaguely frustrated. However, I know that I'm lucky not to struggle with my self-appearance, as some do.
8) I had my first kiss when I was 19, in my first week at university. I was drunk and the guy wasn't a great kisser. I mostly did it out of curiosity.
9) I'm a filthy dancer. For me, it just seems natural, but everyone tells me how (wonderfully) dirty it is. I'm not complaining.
10) Most of my social circle think that I'm lesbian. I was struggling with labels at the time, and it was easy to come out as lesbian even though it didn't feel right. I now know that I'm queer, and that my sexual desire has very little to do with the genitals or even the genders involved.
11) I've made out with five girls, and I loved it. I loved the softness of their bodies and the pliability of their skin, the way that I could wrap my arms around their waists. The only one that I regret was one where I was rather too forceful (and drunk) and she had to tell me to back off. I did, but I still felt dirty because of what I'd done. It took me quite a while to look her in the eye again.
12) I've only been in a relationship with one girl, and that was for about six months. She identifies as a soft butch lesbian. I was very fond of her, and did find her sexy, but I could never get very enthusiastic. Most of the time we dated, I was not on medication, and was acting out. When I was re-medicated and told her about my past -- abuse, depression and three suicide attempts -- she dumped me on the spot.
13) This girl found it difficult to believe I was a virgin, though she did believe me. I made her come twice the first time we had sex, and she said it was the best she'd ever had. Hearing her say that got me really turned on, but I only came once when I was with her. I used to fake it because she was so obsessed with trying to make me orgasm, even when I knew I'd passed the point where I could have been able to.
14) The one time I came was the last time we had sex. Right after we finished she dumped me, before I even had a chance to put my clothes back on. I cried for the whole night, then slowly came to realize that we had both been messed up.
15) From that, I discovered that I enjoyed giving oral, sixty-nining, roughness (scratching, biting, bruising), and that it really turned me on when she pinned me down on my front and fucked me with her hand from behind.
16) I also discovered that the main thing I get off on is seeing someone enjoying themselves.
17) I masturbate irregularly. Sometimes I'll have a week where I end up masturbating every night, sometimes I won't care about it for a month. Sometimes this is random, but often it does seem to be linked with my mood in general. When I'm happier, I want to masturbate more. I started masturbating when I was about 15, still living at home; I'd hide under the bed and bite the duvet, terrified of making any noise. I wasn't sure whether or not I was doing it right until I looked it up on the internet to be sure. Once I moved to university and got a dildo -- and a locking door -- I became bolder. I love being noisy, when there's no one in the house to hear, but unfortunately I have too many housemates for this to be a very frequent thing. I love porn, though I'm finding myself to be incredibly picky about what I watch, and what I want on one night won't be what I want on the other. However, it's pretty constant that I'm after the noises to be right.
18) I love being naked, especially in the summer. Clothes feel so constricting and clingy, especially artificial fabrics. Unfortunately, for the last two years my bedroom has been overlooked, but this year I've got net curtains so I can hang out naked with no problems. I'm really looking forward to this.
19) One of my housemates last year was a homophobic ass. She always sat in the same chair in the living room, as well. One time after a party I bought my girlfriend home and we had sex in that chair. I've never told anyone, and I don't regret it for a moment.
20) I write a lot of fanfiction, much of it -- nowadays -- sexual. I'm relatively well known on one fandom kink meme for the things that I write. My fills tend to wander with my fantasies: for a while it was explicit non-con, especially female-on-male, then doomed-romance things, and now I'm really hankering after shameless smut. This writing has really helped me to come to terms with describing sexual acts, being honest about what I want, and looking into anything that I hadn't heard about before. I also do roleplay, in the non-sexual sense, and will admit to using my characters as ways of exploring my gender presentation/identification and sexuality.
21) I wish there were more people that I could discuss sexual things with in complete and explicit detail. Unfortunately, there seem to be a general lack of them in this world. This is one of the reasons that I spend a lot of time online, though I keep accounts which allow me a certain level of anonymity.
22) I'm starting to realize that many of my sociopolitical views are incredibly radical. Although I would describe myself as feminist, I have problems with both the gender binary and the gender spectrum. I think that gender is a spurious and artificial construct which tries to group together types of people in the incorrect ways. I support the abolition of marriage. I support the legalization of sex work, and of all sexual practices and behaviors which can be undertaken with full informed consent. And I can be really rather vocal about it. In a course in my first year of university, people were more shocked when I called myself feminist than when I called myself lesbian.
23) I have many friends on the internet; the longest-standing of these is approaching five and a half years. We are slowly coming to terms with the fact that there is a far deeper bond than friendship there, and if we are honest then we want a future together. I am flying six thousand miles to visit him in five weeks' time and fully intend to fuck his brains out whilst I am out there as well as (/as part of) trying to work out where our future goes from here. I think that he is a virgin, and part of me is really excited at the idea of being his first. I want to make it really special for him, although I'm worried what he'll think of the fact that I don't necessarily care about orgasming myself.
24) I'm really looking forward to having sex with a man. I've seen plenty of pictures of penises, but never a penis in real life, and the idea really excites me. I really want to try fellatio. For most of the last year that I've been single, there hasn't been a problem, but as this trip to meet this man has become more and more set in stone, I've been getting increasingly sexually frustrated.
25) I know that I'm only young in terms of sexual exploration, and there's a lot more out there that I want to try out. However, I suspect that the man I'm currently in love with -- see above -- is rather more vanilla and less queer than I am. In some ways, it surprises me that I'm fine with that, as long as I have my writing as an outlet. I'd far rather have my ideal romance than my ideal sex.
2) I can't remember how I first found out much about sex, but vaguely think it came from sex education lessons in class when I was 11, and a book on the same which my parents pointedly left around at about the same time. I learned a hell of a lot more when I discovered fanfiction at about 14, and have been on a voyage of discovery ever since.
3) I don't think I'll ever stop learning about sex, and I certainly hope not. I desperately wanted to be sex-positive from a young age, before I really knew what sex-positivity was, because I didn't understand why people were ashamed. However, like many people, I had society's expectations forced upon me and acted rather prudishly -- unwarrantedly so -- until I reached about 18, and it was like waking up.
4) I think part of the reason I took so long to catch on is because I was abused as a child and teen. Emotionally, verbally and physically, rather than sexually. But it took a massive toll on my self-identity and sense of worth, and I'm still trying to work out how to handle some things.
5) I told my first shrink to go fuck himself because he was more interested in my gender/sexuality than in the fact that I had been abused for the majority of my life. My gender and sexuality have never caused me problems, or serious dysphoria. Luckily, my current one doesn't bat an eyelid, and it makes me feel much more secure that she doesn't seem to see me as some sort of freak because I'm not cis/straight.
6) I was vaguely aware of sex and masturbation -- though not as words as such -- as a child. I occasionally used to rub against pillows or duvet, but my 'fantasies' (so to speak) were generally part of much longer and more complex stories I used to create, awake or asleep, as I've been a lucid dreamer for years. This stopped about the time that I hit puberty, because my family situation also worsened.
7) I hit puberty at 12, and did so very calmly. When I was thirteen I had D-cup breasts, and they've grown pretty consistently since. I think they've now stopped. My figure is one that most women would kill for. Sometimes I like it, sometimes I'm indifferent, sometimes I get vaguely frustrated. However, I know that I'm lucky not to struggle with my self-appearance, as some do.
8) I had my first kiss when I was 19, in my first week at university. I was drunk and the guy wasn't a great kisser. I mostly did it out of curiosity.
9) I'm a filthy dancer. For me, it just seems natural, but everyone tells me how (wonderfully) dirty it is. I'm not complaining.
10) Most of my social circle think that I'm lesbian. I was struggling with labels at the time, and it was easy to come out as lesbian even though it didn't feel right. I now know that I'm queer, and that my sexual desire has very little to do with the genitals or even the genders involved.
11) I've made out with five girls, and I loved it. I loved the softness of their bodies and the pliability of their skin, the way that I could wrap my arms around their waists. The only one that I regret was one where I was rather too forceful (and drunk) and she had to tell me to back off. I did, but I still felt dirty because of what I'd done. It took me quite a while to look her in the eye again.
12) I've only been in a relationship with one girl, and that was for about six months. She identifies as a soft butch lesbian. I was very fond of her, and did find her sexy, but I could never get very enthusiastic. Most of the time we dated, I was not on medication, and was acting out. When I was re-medicated and told her about my past -- abuse, depression and three suicide attempts -- she dumped me on the spot.
13) This girl found it difficult to believe I was a virgin, though she did believe me. I made her come twice the first time we had sex, and she said it was the best she'd ever had. Hearing her say that got me really turned on, but I only came once when I was with her. I used to fake it because she was so obsessed with trying to make me orgasm, even when I knew I'd passed the point where I could have been able to.
14) The one time I came was the last time we had sex. Right after we finished she dumped me, before I even had a chance to put my clothes back on. I cried for the whole night, then slowly came to realize that we had both been messed up.
15) From that, I discovered that I enjoyed giving oral, sixty-nining, roughness (scratching, biting, bruising), and that it really turned me on when she pinned me down on my front and fucked me with her hand from behind.
16) I also discovered that the main thing I get off on is seeing someone enjoying themselves.
17) I masturbate irregularly. Sometimes I'll have a week where I end up masturbating every night, sometimes I won't care about it for a month. Sometimes this is random, but often it does seem to be linked with my mood in general. When I'm happier, I want to masturbate more. I started masturbating when I was about 15, still living at home; I'd hide under the bed and bite the duvet, terrified of making any noise. I wasn't sure whether or not I was doing it right until I looked it up on the internet to be sure. Once I moved to university and got a dildo -- and a locking door -- I became bolder. I love being noisy, when there's no one in the house to hear, but unfortunately I have too many housemates for this to be a very frequent thing. I love porn, though I'm finding myself to be incredibly picky about what I watch, and what I want on one night won't be what I want on the other. However, it's pretty constant that I'm after the noises to be right.
18) I love being naked, especially in the summer. Clothes feel so constricting and clingy, especially artificial fabrics. Unfortunately, for the last two years my bedroom has been overlooked, but this year I've got net curtains so I can hang out naked with no problems. I'm really looking forward to this.
19) One of my housemates last year was a homophobic ass. She always sat in the same chair in the living room, as well. One time after a party I bought my girlfriend home and we had sex in that chair. I've never told anyone, and I don't regret it for a moment.
20) I write a lot of fanfiction, much of it -- nowadays -- sexual. I'm relatively well known on one fandom kink meme for the things that I write. My fills tend to wander with my fantasies: for a while it was explicit non-con, especially female-on-male, then doomed-romance things, and now I'm really hankering after shameless smut. This writing has really helped me to come to terms with describing sexual acts, being honest about what I want, and looking into anything that I hadn't heard about before. I also do roleplay, in the non-sexual sense, and will admit to using my characters as ways of exploring my gender presentation/identification and sexuality.
21) I wish there were more people that I could discuss sexual things with in complete and explicit detail. Unfortunately, there seem to be a general lack of them in this world. This is one of the reasons that I spend a lot of time online, though I keep accounts which allow me a certain level of anonymity.
22) I'm starting to realize that many of my sociopolitical views are incredibly radical. Although I would describe myself as feminist, I have problems with both the gender binary and the gender spectrum. I think that gender is a spurious and artificial construct which tries to group together types of people in the incorrect ways. I support the abolition of marriage. I support the legalization of sex work, and of all sexual practices and behaviors which can be undertaken with full informed consent. And I can be really rather vocal about it. In a course in my first year of university, people were more shocked when I called myself feminist than when I called myself lesbian.
23) I have many friends on the internet; the longest-standing of these is approaching five and a half years. We are slowly coming to terms with the fact that there is a far deeper bond than friendship there, and if we are honest then we want a future together. I am flying six thousand miles to visit him in five weeks' time and fully intend to fuck his brains out whilst I am out there as well as (/as part of) trying to work out where our future goes from here. I think that he is a virgin, and part of me is really excited at the idea of being his first. I want to make it really special for him, although I'm worried what he'll think of the fact that I don't necessarily care about orgasming myself.
24) I'm really looking forward to having sex with a man. I've seen plenty of pictures of penises, but never a penis in real life, and the idea really excites me. I really want to try fellatio. For most of the last year that I've been single, there hasn't been a problem, but as this trip to meet this man has become more and more set in stone, I've been getting increasingly sexually frustrated.
25) I know that I'm only young in terms of sexual exploration, and there's a lot more out there that I want to try out. However, I suspect that the man I'm currently in love with -- see above -- is rather more vanilla and less queer than I am. In some ways, it surprises me that I'm fine with that, as long as I have my writing as an outlet. I'd far rather have my ideal romance than my ideal sex.
Monday, August 15, 2011
1. I am a 20.5 year old female.
2. My first sexual experience was when I was 11, and it was not consensual.
3. My second sexual experience was when I was 13, and it was not consensual.
4. After the second experience (with this same person), he continued to assault me daily for four months. He never raped me (as most people define rape), but I consider it rape.
5. After my assault, I thought myself a lesbian for several years, but still entertained occasional crushes on men.
6. After a few years, I decided I was bisexual. I like my women younger (only a little) and my men older (sometimes a great deal older).
7. Recently I began doubting my sexual orientation again. Shortly thereafter, I discovered an artist who published (online) a journal she had kept of her life in comic strip form. She called herself queer because she was a lesbian who fell in love with a man, but she didn't feel she was bisexual. I decided I am queer. I fear and loathe men in general, I adore women and their bodies, but there is a man I love very much and would give anything to be with.
8. I am overweight which, added to my past experiences, makes it difficult for me to be confident in my sexuality and the way I am perceived by others. As such, when men hit on me (which happens more than I had expected) I am very uncomfortable and always blush and push them away or make excuses and then go home and cry.
9. I am very lonely because I don't trust people enough to let them in. A few of my friends know about my sexual orientation, but none are romantic interests.
10. The man that I am in love with doesn't know, but he knows everything I need and want and look for in a partner after a conversation we had. After that conversation I decided I would probably never tell him how I felt, because he felt he couldn't be what I need.
11. I am very submissive with men. I want a man to take care of me as much as one can be taken care of by another. I want him to protect me and help me with decisions and shelter me (because I've never been very sheltered). I want him to sometimes just hold me and tell me everything will be all right and let me cry on him.
12. With women, I like to be the caregiver. I want to initiate (though I never do) and I want to be the one giving pleasure and I don't care if I receive any in return.
13. Though I have never had a consensual sexual experience, I really like sex. I really want to have nice, fun, consensual sex with someone I really care about and who really cares about me.
14. I really like to masturbate. Sometimes I use porn to arouse me, sometimes I imagine pictures of people I'm attracted to, sometimes I read erotic fiction (and fan-fiction), and sometimes I just imagine an anonymous person taking care of me and giving me pleasure.
15. My family does not know about my sexuality.
16. I won't tell my sister because we aren't close and she does little but hurt people. She is also quite religious (though it is some modern religion and she doesn't go to church every Sunday or anything) and doesn't believe that anyone other than male/female couples should be allowed to marry, and she doesn't keep secrets for anyone.
17. My mother would think I was making some feminist statement and applaud it and then tell me about some phase she went through where she thought she was a lesbian.
18. My father wouldn't be bothered by it, but I cannot, in all fairness, tell him without telling the others. He is a good person, but I'm also afraid of ever doing anything to hurt him. I'm fairly sure I inherited my depression (as well as my migraines) from him, and I would hate to be the cause of his pain.
19. I have pretty severe depression. I saw a couple of therapists over the last two years, but I no longer see any because I can't afford it now that I've moved off the university campus and am living on my own. I was never really honest with my therapists, anyway, about certain things (like my sexuality and some of my odder thoughts about relationships).
20. When my depression hits me especially hard, I feel particularly lonely and wish for any type of human contact, be it a one night stand, a night with a friend just spend cuddling, or telling the man I love how much I love him, no matter how he reacts.
21. I'm terrified of graduating college and moving on to complete my masters degree, because I don't want to leave certain people here who know about my sexuality or whom I love just yet, because I'm afraid it will really hurt me.
22. I'm also excited because maybe moving away will allow me to become less dependent on the people I currently love, and I'll be able to form new and better relationships. Maybe it will be the next step and I'll be able to let a wonderful man or woman get close to me and make love to me.
23. I like being spanked (and I have a good ass for spanking--it really bounces) or even paddled lightly.
24. I like having my hair pulled a bit (but not too much).
25. One of my goals is to go to a sex store, walk in confidently, buy a nice vibrator, and then go home and make myself feel really good.
2. My first sexual experience was when I was 11, and it was not consensual.
3. My second sexual experience was when I was 13, and it was not consensual.
4. After the second experience (with this same person), he continued to assault me daily for four months. He never raped me (as most people define rape), but I consider it rape.
5. After my assault, I thought myself a lesbian for several years, but still entertained occasional crushes on men.
6. After a few years, I decided I was bisexual. I like my women younger (only a little) and my men older (sometimes a great deal older).
7. Recently I began doubting my sexual orientation again. Shortly thereafter, I discovered an artist who published (online) a journal she had kept of her life in comic strip form. She called herself queer because she was a lesbian who fell in love with a man, but she didn't feel she was bisexual. I decided I am queer. I fear and loathe men in general, I adore women and their bodies, but there is a man I love very much and would give anything to be with.
8. I am overweight which, added to my past experiences, makes it difficult for me to be confident in my sexuality and the way I am perceived by others. As such, when men hit on me (which happens more than I had expected) I am very uncomfortable and always blush and push them away or make excuses and then go home and cry.
9. I am very lonely because I don't trust people enough to let them in. A few of my friends know about my sexual orientation, but none are romantic interests.
10. The man that I am in love with doesn't know, but he knows everything I need and want and look for in a partner after a conversation we had. After that conversation I decided I would probably never tell him how I felt, because he felt he couldn't be what I need.
11. I am very submissive with men. I want a man to take care of me as much as one can be taken care of by another. I want him to protect me and help me with decisions and shelter me (because I've never been very sheltered). I want him to sometimes just hold me and tell me everything will be all right and let me cry on him.
12. With women, I like to be the caregiver. I want to initiate (though I never do) and I want to be the one giving pleasure and I don't care if I receive any in return.
13. Though I have never had a consensual sexual experience, I really like sex. I really want to have nice, fun, consensual sex with someone I really care about and who really cares about me.
14. I really like to masturbate. Sometimes I use porn to arouse me, sometimes I imagine pictures of people I'm attracted to, sometimes I read erotic fiction (and fan-fiction), and sometimes I just imagine an anonymous person taking care of me and giving me pleasure.
15. My family does not know about my sexuality.
16. I won't tell my sister because we aren't close and she does little but hurt people. She is also quite religious (though it is some modern religion and she doesn't go to church every Sunday or anything) and doesn't believe that anyone other than male/female couples should be allowed to marry, and she doesn't keep secrets for anyone.
17. My mother would think I was making some feminist statement and applaud it and then tell me about some phase she went through where she thought she was a lesbian.
18. My father wouldn't be bothered by it, but I cannot, in all fairness, tell him without telling the others. He is a good person, but I'm also afraid of ever doing anything to hurt him. I'm fairly sure I inherited my depression (as well as my migraines) from him, and I would hate to be the cause of his pain.
19. I have pretty severe depression. I saw a couple of therapists over the last two years, but I no longer see any because I can't afford it now that I've moved off the university campus and am living on my own. I was never really honest with my therapists, anyway, about certain things (like my sexuality and some of my odder thoughts about relationships).
20. When my depression hits me especially hard, I feel particularly lonely and wish for any type of human contact, be it a one night stand, a night with a friend just spend cuddling, or telling the man I love how much I love him, no matter how he reacts.
21. I'm terrified of graduating college and moving on to complete my masters degree, because I don't want to leave certain people here who know about my sexuality or whom I love just yet, because I'm afraid it will really hurt me.
22. I'm also excited because maybe moving away will allow me to become less dependent on the people I currently love, and I'll be able to form new and better relationships. Maybe it will be the next step and I'll be able to let a wonderful man or woman get close to me and make love to me.
23. I like being spanked (and I have a good ass for spanking--it really bounces) or even paddled lightly.
24. I like having my hair pulled a bit (but not too much).
25. One of my goals is to go to a sex store, walk in confidently, buy a nice vibrator, and then go home and make myself feel really good.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
1. I am currently a 22-year-old female who has been dating my first and only boyfriend now for over 5 years (we started flirting at 15 and dating at 17, then became long distance at 18 because of school). Before him my only similar relationship with a boy was with my best friend and neighbor (we started being friends in kindergarten and we broke up in grade three. We only kissed).
2. My first time was when I was 19. Until then I had thought I would save my virginity until I was married, but thinking on my boyfriend I decided that if I had to be awkward with someone, it had to be him (he could laugh it off with me). It was surprisingly good, though I did not orgasm, and to this day I am still glad I decided to do it with my boyfriend (he was so sweet). Since, we have devoted a lot of alone time to becoming comfortable with each other and having fun.
3. It's not easy for me to orgasm (unless I use a vibrator), and when I do, it's even harder to do it a second time. One time when I did orgasm a second time, it burned a bit too much. I also usually become too dry for a second time after I orgasm (I've even become dry just before orgasming, which lube always saves).
4. (Though...) A few days before my period, it is always easy to orgasm, and I get impossibly wet. I also get really wet and sensitive if we haven't had sex for a long time (a month or two).
5. I have a hard time relinquishing control over my body, and I feel this is tied to me having a hard time orgasming. I do get better at it every time though, and I still have a lot of fun having sex with my boyfriend without climaxing. Usually I'm fine with just getting some great waves, but I have to admit he's getting better at finding places!
6. I really like to look at women, and have toyed with the idea of being bisexual. When I was first starting puberty, I couldn't stop staring at all the girls and their boobs and it kind of worried me for a long time (until I heard about female competitiveness, and left it up to that). To me, women are gorgeous; I love watching them, thinking of clothing for them, and drawing them. Aesthetically, women are great (especially breasts and curves!). For myself, I like to keep lean, but for other women I prefer a soft layer of fat. Over the years, I have become more comfortable with the male form as well (and draw it constantly).
7. I've found a kink of mine for male-male sexual relationships. I like to watch men fall in love and break that barrier (and admit their true feelings). I also just love to watch men have sex (because, hey, they're sexy). Recently I have gotten interesting gay films as well as gay porn as an outreach for this fetish. I also do some writing and read others' works.
9. My boyfriend knew of my kink since day one, and we have both been obliging to each other's desires. About a year and a half ago we finally started pushing towards being comfortable with me dominating (it was a personal barrier as well, confronting my issues with how to orgasm), and now we're a menstrual cycle away from me pegging him. I am so excited! We have the toy waiting...
10. I don't see my pegging my boyfriend as me dominating him so much as me equalling him. We have both been honest with each other about wanting an equal relationship, one where one person is not greater, or lesser, than the other. I feel like this attitude has kept our sex playful and fulfilling.
11. I love the idea of doing someone back, and some days wish that I had a penis (I have a bit of penis envy myself). My boyfriend is a little squishy and I love to handle his curves like he's a woman. I especially love when I can tease him until he begs, even bite him a little too hard to urge him on. I also love to show off my sexual prowess, and feel empowered by my sexual skill. My boyfriend and I joke that I have a huge, imaginary dick because of the way I act sometimes.
12. I have a complex about being girly; I hate being submissive, and have always been treated equal to a boy by my family. Things that empower me to have a more dominant sexuality include: power tools, exercising, and shooting firearms. Cars are pretty awesome too.
13. For the last five years I've had boy-short hair, and I've loved it. It allowed me to be a little sexually ambiguous and that gave me the freedom to explore my male side. Recently though, I've been growing it out in some sort of exploration of a former self who before I felt self-concious about. So far, I have had a hard time re-envisioning my sexuality; to me, long hair is girly and submissive. But I'm getting over it and learning to love the hair I used to always despise, and in turn, the self I used to despise. Now I'm making her a part of me.
14. Until this past year, I never masturbated. I always felt like there was no point unless I was actually doing it with someone. Now, it's kind of a stress reliever for me, and also something to do when I can't get to sleep. I still value spending physical time with my boyfriend over masturbating though, because I really love the intimacy of it.
15. To me, sex isn't about the orgasm (and sometimes my sex life goes down because I start to think it is). I love to feel that extra connection and freedom that comes along with knowing someone's body in such a pleasurable way. I love to be free with my body and to learn to adore the body of another, because being human is okay (despite what others may tell you).
16. I like to confirm my sexuality by boasting with other girl friends about my sexual exploits. I think this is linked to an underlying paranoia of mine that I don't have enough experience, or that I'm missing out on something because I've only been with one man. Sometimes I worry that maybe there's someone even better out there than my current boyfriend, but usually he does something to prove otherwise shortly after the worrying starts.
17. I am sexually attracted to men who I can have an in-depth conversation with, no matter what they look like. I've had a crush on one of my guy friends as a result of this, and I still feel connected to him and jealous when he pays attention to other women. I'm never drawn to another man by looks alone, and mostly am repulsed by muscular or vain men.
18. When I was little, I loved Barbies. I used to make then have explicit heterosexual and lesbian sex, and even made sexy outfits for them. I played with Barbies all the way up to grade 9.
19. I easily catch urinary infections (I've had about four), despite being very clean and health-obsessed. I've had them happen after several bouts of good orgasms, and wonder if I'm defective.
20. I like pubic hair. I like hair on men, and hairless men seem strange to me. The sight of pubic hair turns me on, and in turn I like to keep my hair (groomed of course). I feel that shaving is oppressive and that I should be accepted as I am, not some man-made fantasy. Because of this, I find heterosexual porn and some gay porn to be oppressive instead of sexy.
21. I like giving my boyfriend blowjobs (though, not all the time), and still feel uncertain about receiving them. I like them best when my boyfriend is on his knees, and least when I'm on my back. I feel silly just laying there with my boyfriend's face in my crotch; I feel like I should be doing something.
22. I'm 125 pounds and 5'8". Sometimes I worry I'm too thin and that's why I can't orgasm easily. I have found that with a few pounds I usually orgasm easier (fluke?), but my self-confidence goes down and I'm more submissive. My new solution to this issue is to be fit and strong, as women who exercise are also rumored to orgasm more easily. So far, it is a proven energizer and confidence-booster.
23. Until I started dating my boyfriend, I was scared of my sexuality. Even kissing him for the first time gave me a feeling that I knew was supposed to be sexy, but I had decided I didn't like sexy, so I didn't like it. With time, I got over that closed-ness, but it still affected my attitude towards masturbating until recently. Sexual feelings were something I didn't associate with myself; I liked to see myself as something asexual. I guess this has continued in my life through my short hair, and I still like to act like a kid when not in bed. I don't feel like my sexuality should define my personality and intellect (although I can't be quite feminist).
24. I don't believe that there is only one person out there for you. I believe that humans are community-based creatures who should have multiple partners in order to live a healthy lifestyle. That being said, I seem to be a bit of a hypocrite. In my defense, I love my boyfriend and do muse about having other partners (but he would not be okay with that). I also believe that we should have different partners for different stages of our lives. My boyfriend so far has been there for me through my sexual evolution, and I love him for every second of it. We'll see if in time I need someone else to grow with.
25. I have to be pretty/the pretty one. In every situation, I have to find myself the winner against all women around me. I guess all girls have this competitiveness, but sometimes I surprise myself with the size of my ego. I pull this less often with my female friends, but sometimes get miffed at the fact that I have a history of men ignoring me. This past year, though, I feel like I've sexually peaked, as I've noticed men's gazes and had a few more nerds flirting badly with me. It's kind of great.
2. My first time was when I was 19. Until then I had thought I would save my virginity until I was married, but thinking on my boyfriend I decided that if I had to be awkward with someone, it had to be him (he could laugh it off with me). It was surprisingly good, though I did not orgasm, and to this day I am still glad I decided to do it with my boyfriend (he was so sweet). Since, we have devoted a lot of alone time to becoming comfortable with each other and having fun.
3. It's not easy for me to orgasm (unless I use a vibrator), and when I do, it's even harder to do it a second time. One time when I did orgasm a second time, it burned a bit too much. I also usually become too dry for a second time after I orgasm (I've even become dry just before orgasming, which lube always saves).
4. (Though...) A few days before my period, it is always easy to orgasm, and I get impossibly wet. I also get really wet and sensitive if we haven't had sex for a long time (a month or two).
5. I have a hard time relinquishing control over my body, and I feel this is tied to me having a hard time orgasming. I do get better at it every time though, and I still have a lot of fun having sex with my boyfriend without climaxing. Usually I'm fine with just getting some great waves, but I have to admit he's getting better at finding places!
6. I really like to look at women, and have toyed with the idea of being bisexual. When I was first starting puberty, I couldn't stop staring at all the girls and their boobs and it kind of worried me for a long time (until I heard about female competitiveness, and left it up to that). To me, women are gorgeous; I love watching them, thinking of clothing for them, and drawing them. Aesthetically, women are great (especially breasts and curves!). For myself, I like to keep lean, but for other women I prefer a soft layer of fat. Over the years, I have become more comfortable with the male form as well (and draw it constantly).
7. I've found a kink of mine for male-male sexual relationships. I like to watch men fall in love and break that barrier (and admit their true feelings). I also just love to watch men have sex (because, hey, they're sexy). Recently I have gotten interesting gay films as well as gay porn as an outreach for this fetish. I also do some writing and read others' works.
9. My boyfriend knew of my kink since day one, and we have both been obliging to each other's desires. About a year and a half ago we finally started pushing towards being comfortable with me dominating (it was a personal barrier as well, confronting my issues with how to orgasm), and now we're a menstrual cycle away from me pegging him. I am so excited! We have the toy waiting...
10. I don't see my pegging my boyfriend as me dominating him so much as me equalling him. We have both been honest with each other about wanting an equal relationship, one where one person is not greater, or lesser, than the other. I feel like this attitude has kept our sex playful and fulfilling.
11. I love the idea of doing someone back, and some days wish that I had a penis (I have a bit of penis envy myself). My boyfriend is a little squishy and I love to handle his curves like he's a woman. I especially love when I can tease him until he begs, even bite him a little too hard to urge him on. I also love to show off my sexual prowess, and feel empowered by my sexual skill. My boyfriend and I joke that I have a huge, imaginary dick because of the way I act sometimes.
12. I have a complex about being girly; I hate being submissive, and have always been treated equal to a boy by my family. Things that empower me to have a more dominant sexuality include: power tools, exercising, and shooting firearms. Cars are pretty awesome too.
13. For the last five years I've had boy-short hair, and I've loved it. It allowed me to be a little sexually ambiguous and that gave me the freedom to explore my male side. Recently though, I've been growing it out in some sort of exploration of a former self who before I felt self-concious about. So far, I have had a hard time re-envisioning my sexuality; to me, long hair is girly and submissive. But I'm getting over it and learning to love the hair I used to always despise, and in turn, the self I used to despise. Now I'm making her a part of me.
14. Until this past year, I never masturbated. I always felt like there was no point unless I was actually doing it with someone. Now, it's kind of a stress reliever for me, and also something to do when I can't get to sleep. I still value spending physical time with my boyfriend over masturbating though, because I really love the intimacy of it.
15. To me, sex isn't about the orgasm (and sometimes my sex life goes down because I start to think it is). I love to feel that extra connection and freedom that comes along with knowing someone's body in such a pleasurable way. I love to be free with my body and to learn to adore the body of another, because being human is okay (despite what others may tell you).
16. I like to confirm my sexuality by boasting with other girl friends about my sexual exploits. I think this is linked to an underlying paranoia of mine that I don't have enough experience, or that I'm missing out on something because I've only been with one man. Sometimes I worry that maybe there's someone even better out there than my current boyfriend, but usually he does something to prove otherwise shortly after the worrying starts.
17. I am sexually attracted to men who I can have an in-depth conversation with, no matter what they look like. I've had a crush on one of my guy friends as a result of this, and I still feel connected to him and jealous when he pays attention to other women. I'm never drawn to another man by looks alone, and mostly am repulsed by muscular or vain men.
18. When I was little, I loved Barbies. I used to make then have explicit heterosexual and lesbian sex, and even made sexy outfits for them. I played with Barbies all the way up to grade 9.
19. I easily catch urinary infections (I've had about four), despite being very clean and health-obsessed. I've had them happen after several bouts of good orgasms, and wonder if I'm defective.
20. I like pubic hair. I like hair on men, and hairless men seem strange to me. The sight of pubic hair turns me on, and in turn I like to keep my hair (groomed of course). I feel that shaving is oppressive and that I should be accepted as I am, not some man-made fantasy. Because of this, I find heterosexual porn and some gay porn to be oppressive instead of sexy.
21. I like giving my boyfriend blowjobs (though, not all the time), and still feel uncertain about receiving them. I like them best when my boyfriend is on his knees, and least when I'm on my back. I feel silly just laying there with my boyfriend's face in my crotch; I feel like I should be doing something.
22. I'm 125 pounds and 5'8". Sometimes I worry I'm too thin and that's why I can't orgasm easily. I have found that with a few pounds I usually orgasm easier (fluke?), but my self-confidence goes down and I'm more submissive. My new solution to this issue is to be fit and strong, as women who exercise are also rumored to orgasm more easily. So far, it is a proven energizer and confidence-booster.
23. Until I started dating my boyfriend, I was scared of my sexuality. Even kissing him for the first time gave me a feeling that I knew was supposed to be sexy, but I had decided I didn't like sexy, so I didn't like it. With time, I got over that closed-ness, but it still affected my attitude towards masturbating until recently. Sexual feelings were something I didn't associate with myself; I liked to see myself as something asexual. I guess this has continued in my life through my short hair, and I still like to act like a kid when not in bed. I don't feel like my sexuality should define my personality and intellect (although I can't be quite feminist).
24. I don't believe that there is only one person out there for you. I believe that humans are community-based creatures who should have multiple partners in order to live a healthy lifestyle. That being said, I seem to be a bit of a hypocrite. In my defense, I love my boyfriend and do muse about having other partners (but he would not be okay with that). I also believe that we should have different partners for different stages of our lives. My boyfriend so far has been there for me through my sexual evolution, and I love him for every second of it. We'll see if in time I need someone else to grow with.
25. I have to be pretty/the pretty one. In every situation, I have to find myself the winner against all women around me. I guess all girls have this competitiveness, but sometimes I surprise myself with the size of my ego. I pull this less often with my female friends, but sometimes get miffed at the fact that I have a history of men ignoring me. This past year, though, I feel like I've sexually peaked, as I've noticed men's gazes and had a few more nerds flirting badly with me. It's kind of great.
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