1. I’m a 27-year-old, mostly heterosexual woman from Germany.
2. I say “mostly heterosexual” because I had sex with a woman once, and even though I felt a bit overwhelmed by her beautiful body and her self-confidence, I wouldn’t mind having further sexual experiences with women. I like the taste of the female body, the smooth skin, and I feel attracted to a lot of women in my environment.
3. So far, I have slept with nine men and made out with some more.
4. I lost my virginity when I was 20, with my first boyfriend. I was deeply in love with him and our relationship lasted almost two years. When he broke up with me, I was truly devastated and it took me years to recover.
5. One of my friends summarized it correctly: “When he left you, he took your smile with you.” He was my first true love, and before we met, I had been convinced I’d never find a guy who loves me just the way I am. I have serious issues with body and my weight. My friends say I am a womanly, chubby yet attractive girl. Most of the time, I disagree. I consider myself overweight, even fat if compared to other women. I’ve been seeing a therapist for two and a half year (eating disorder, depression), and even though that was enormously supportive and helped me to sort a lot of things out, being naked still makes me feel very uncomfortable.
6. Due to that, it’s hard for me to orgasm. I’m always worried that a man might be disgusted by my body and I am very conscious about the way I look in certain positions or situations. It’s very hard to enjoy sex if you continuously suck in your tummy…
7. Despite my negative perception of myself, I really like sex. I'm very open concerning new experiences. I had a spontaneous threesome some years ago. I had a date with E. in a pub and T., his friend, was with him. We drank a lot and went home to T’s. During the whole evening, I somehow guessed what the two of them hoped for, yet I was totally surprised to realize that two men at a time wanted sex with me. It was a nice experience and I really appreciate that something like that has happened to me.
8. Two years ago, I had an affair with somebody who was quite experienced in BDSM. He gave me the opportunity to live out some fantasies, and I know now that I’m masochistic and submissive. I like to be handled roughly: to be tied up, to be spanked, to be pushed against a wall, a little force here and there. I also enjoy breath-play, wax and pain in general, but only in certain ways. I like to be pushed to my limits and beyond - dominance can be very sexy.
9. But any kind of BDSM play requires an enormous amount of confidence in your partner. I guess that for me, because of my body issues, trust is one of the most important things to sex and playing. I can easily fall from heights, and what felt sexy and pleasant just a moment ago suddenly turns into real humiliation.
10. Unfortunately, that guy mentioned in #7 abused my confidence. He knew that I had a crush on him and took full advantage of my feelings. This “relationship” can be summed up by saying “the stick and the carrot.” By suggesting this affair might turn into a proper, long-lasting relationship, he talked me into a lot of things. And I obeyed, hoping that finally he might realize what a great, loving and caring partner I would be.
11. For example, we had a mutual account at an internet community that offered sexual acquaintances. You could watch movies and pics, evaluate other users’ profiles, chat, etc. He always wanted to have a foursome, even though he knew that his proposal made me feel highly nervous. I feared he might be more attracted to the other woman or that the other guy wouldn’t be attracted by me. He kept on insisting and I agreed. We arranged to meet a married couple at their home. It was awful. The other guy wasn’t the type of guy I’m usually attracted to, he sucked at kissing and he had bad breath. Even worse, after we had left and I asked my partner how he had liked that experience, he yelled at me. “You suck at multitasking.” I was shocked and started to cry, feeling highly abused and abased. Finally, after many encounters like that, I managed to end the destructive affair.
12. Apart from BDSM play, I also enjoy oral sex. I love, love, love to give a man a blowjob. I love that feeling of being in control, to see and hear which reactions I’m able to arouse. And I love cum. I don't mind swallowing or facials. It’s damned sexy, and I know that men simply love to watch a woman play with their cum. It easily makes me wet.
13. Even though I like men going down on me, I can hardly enjoy it because I’m constantly worried about the way I look and taste.
14. I love, love, love kissing.
15. I’m convinced that a bad kisser is also a bad lover.
16. I think about sex frequently, almost daily. Sometimes I don’t masturbate for weeks, sometimes I do it three or four times a day. It just depends on my mood.
17. I regularly watch porn, almost any kind of it: gay, lesbian, BDSM, straight, double penetration... Thanks to this site, I’ve discovered my passion for hentai. That stuff is just fantastic, though sometimes quite funny as well.
18. I’d like to try anal sex. The last guy I was with was just crazy about butts and anal sex. I wanted to try it with him, but all of our attempts didn’t work out properly and I am no longer date him.
19. I “dismissed” #18 out of the same reason I dismissed all the other guys during the last years: While I’m trying to find a boyfriend with whom I can have a real relationship, they are just interested in having an affair. Sex, cuddling: yes. love or commitment: no. That simply doesn’t work with me. I’m quite a romantic girl and I really long for somebody to love from the bottom of my heart. So far, I’ve only had one (and a half) serious relationships. Half, because J., a guy I met last summer, turned out to be fake: name, age, job – everything he had told me about himself was just made up. Even though I’m convinced it was best to never see him again, I still miss him from time to time.
20. J. was just the type of man I feel attracted to: tall but not too tall, handsome, dark hair, dark eyes, a lovely smile, slender, athletic arms and a very good kisser. It’s very hard for me to confess that I like handsome, slender men, but consider myself not that attractive.
21. I realized that it is easier for me to enjoy sex and let me go when I am in love with somebody. I’ve been single now for almost six years and I really hate it. But I know I still have to work on myself. How can I expect somebody else to love me if I myself do not love me, let alone like me?
22. Yet, it might be very complicated to find a partner even if I have succeeded in accepting myself. Guy #7 had condyloma and I got infected, too. Thank God it’s a kind of STD that doesn’t seriously harm you or kill you. But still, it is incurable and highly infective. Even if I use a condom, I might carry the virus over. I’ve tried several remedies so far, but one of them worked (expect for serious side-effects). Yes, I can live with that, but it seriously influences your quality of life.
23. I know I should not have sex with any man as long as I have condyloma. But I slept with J. nevertheless. Fortunately, he had condyloma himself, although he hadn’t known that till I told him. And I also slept with #18. I told him about the disease right from the beginning of our affair. But he didn’t care that much and insisted on having sex with me. Well, I finally gave in.
24. I don’t know whether I should have a bad conscience for sleeping with other men despite the STD. I spoke about my situation very blatantly and didn’t force them to do it. It was their decision, not mine. But I worry to think I might have infected them and I worry about other women that might get infected by them. Will they mention the possible danger that is linked to having sex with them? I don’t know. I hope they will. On the other hand, the thought of never having sex with somebody else drives me mad. How should I ever enter into a serious relationship if sex is a no-go?! It wasn’t easy for me to approach men before and now it’s even worse
25. I’m glad I wrote down these 25 things. I’ve been reading this blog for some months now and always thought about submitting something myself.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
1) I'm a woman (or girl) from a northern country in Europe, 23 years old, and I guess straight. Or asexual sometimes. Or like someone explained it, sometimes I feel bi-romantic, but still straight when it comes to sex. When I'm interested.
2) I've got very little experience, mainly because sexual actions give me lots of regrets and anxiety. Sometimes I explain it like I'm allergic to body contact--whenever someone touches me it feels like I get burned by something. Of course I'm human and my body just craves contact often, but I've got to be warned before someone tries to make that contact. I may have Asperger's, so that can be an explanation. That can also explain why the people I call my best friends are the people I almost never meet up with in person.
3) So, I've kissed one guy, had sex with another and gotten use of hands with a third. None of these were actually bad experiences, but when I think back I get so angry I want to hurt something. Mostly myself. I didn't allow myself time to think about sex especially much until I'd been through basic training with the army, and now I try to still keep it out of my life to avoid those angry moments.
4) The first happened while I was in the army. I was sober, he a bit drunk. And he had a girlfriend at the time. It was more than obvious that he wanted to do more than kiss me, both because he said so and because I could feel it. He was to sleep in my bed, with me, and those beds don't got a lot of space in them. But I said no. A wise way to go, I was 21 and a virgin. And there were 5 other people in the same room. After that night I made sure that no one should sleep in the same bed as me again, ever. Even though it was kind of nice just laying there talking for hours. I see him as one of the more important people in my life right now, and he's going to Afghanistan in a few months' time.
5) The second one was also a army-friend, but a while after we had left the service. It was one of those "you should just go to sleep after two in the morning"-things. He's a nice guy, and I was his rebound after the last girlfriend. It wasn't good. But people say the first time is bad. This was real bad. But yeah, that's life, I guess. We actually became better friends after that. But now we've lost contact.
6) The third I met through the Internet. I did an experiment with Internet-dating, not to get a boyfriend but to see how it worked. This guy is quite nice, and if you can see my trend in the earlier ones, this one works in the navy. I don't know what we've been doing, but I know I've treated him badly and that I'm actually sorry I couldn't do this properly. I hope he finds a girl who suits him some day.
7) I don't think love and sex are connected in my life right now. I don't feel love even though I can say I like some people enormously. But I shouldn't have any problem with being a man-eater and just doing things without the need of feelings. But then we can go back to 2, and see that I'm not into too much body contact.
8) I got one of those calls when I was younger from someone who wanted to use me sexually. It ended with me calling the police and being very angry with jerks who use interests of young girls to get those fantasies out. In this case, he got in contact with me through a site for people working with horses.
9) First sexual experience for myself is hard to say. But I have some memories of the pretty nice feeling of the pressure downstairs when riding a ski-lift... And of course in the early teens I had some fantasies. But always kept them to myself.
10) And I'm not the kind of person who masturbates. It happens sometimes, but I can't really focus. I don't get anything out of it. So no, I've guess I never had an orgasm. I do not own a sex toy.
11) I'm not into visual porn. It feels too unreal. I do like literotica, though, as long as it keeps inside some boundaries. Some of the early contact with sex I've had was from reading it. It has to feel plausible, be described with some grace, and if the person who wrote it doesn't have good language I won't read. Well, I guess I'm picky. And nothing's wrong with M-rated fanfics. Not even M-rated slash fanfics. But make them stay in character, please?!
12) Big NO-NO's: violence, rape, incest, anal, things involving animals, kids or people who aren't able to stand up for themselves. No more to say about that.
13) Two things that actually turn me on are that feeling before something actually happens, and the feeling that I'm pleasing someone else. My fantasies often end with the first kiss, or if they go on, with me pleasing him. A lot. So I guess when I find a guy, I would like to make him a lucky one.
14) And that pleasing someone else thing does apply to my whole life, more or less, but once it made me send naked pictures and do some sexting with a guy. He had a girlfriend but still wanted to get into my pants. I found my senses and said no to him, so now he has blocked me from his life. Even though I sometimes thought about reporting him for sexual harassment. (And yeah, that guy also works in the army.) One thing he said to me sticks: "You in a uniform are able to make me do anything." He actually knows how I look in a uniform. After five days without a shower...
15) One "secret" is my love for older men. I do not want to fuck them. I just look up to them, want to be their friend and to know they trust me. Of course I could flirt a bit. Got that feeling for some of my officers (oh, naughty), and I can't shake it off. But right now it's sparse with older men in my life.
16) Although older men are interesting, sexual contact seems to happen only with younger men. Not much younger, I'm pretty young myself, but 1-3 years younger at least. I can't get what they find interesting with me. And the only thing that interests me about them is that they often have pretty beautiful bodies. Not much brains, though.
17) About not knowing what they find interesting, I'm a real woman sometimes. I try to be more like a guy, but I can't help hating my body. I'm not beautiful and sexy. There's nothing interesting or special. I look like a normal human being, not like a model or actress. As long as I feel that way, I guess it will be hard finding a good guy. But these feelings also make it able for me to be naked around people in non-sexual situations. Like in the public shower at the swimming pool or when I had to shower with the guys in the army. So yeah, lots of people have seen me naked, and yeah, I've seen lots of people naked as well. The guys found it worse than me when it was army-related...
18) As you may have realized, I'm pretty easy to turn off. I can feel turned on when I least expect it sometimes, but I'm always able to turn off in a few milliseconds. Irritating, I can promise you. Just a tiny little detail wrong and yeah, the moment's over.
19) I realized I've haven't addressed the bi-romantic thing. I'm not interested in having sex with other women, I just think they're beautiful and often more interesting than guys. So if I want to be romantic sometime, the thought of having a nice time with a woman isn't that far away. But even my mom said to me that "you're as straight anyone can be, honey."
20) I actually see myself in the future as one of those "pathetic" ladies living alone with her three dogs and an OK placement at work. One who, if she meets a guy, everybody thinks that's unusual and a bit funny. But I hope not. Of course I want at least one dog, but I may be able to share my living space with one guy too. Maybe not a husband, but someone I feel equal to.
21) Sex, sex, sex. Well, sometimes I get tired of this sexual liberation and so on. I like sites like this, I like that it's okay to talk about sex and to have it without marriage and that there are ways to protect yourself and that you're allowed to do strange stuff as long as everyone involved says it's fine with them. But sometimes it becomes a bit too much. Actually there are sensitive people out there, actually some people doesn't want to hear about your escapades when they eat lunch at the next table, and kids should be able to be kids without their parents needing to cover their ears or eyes every fifteenth minute. I know sex sells, and that this is 2012, but take it easy sometimes, will you?
22) I think that in my next life I should be full of confidence, and when I see a guy looking at me with interest, I should try to get him into bed. Just because of the fun of it. And in that life I may have a great sex life. Thinking about it, maybe I should try that out in this life, so I'm able to avoid the situation in 20, and so I can erase all bad feelings.
23) I don't have any lists of people I want to sleep with or things I should've tried before a certain age. But if you didn't get that earlier, guys in uniform are always on top of any non-existing imaginary lists...
24) Actually I didn't think I would have this much to say. But I guess thank you for reading and seeing that normal, smart people can have these bad experiences but still be wanting more. Good experiences, then, though.
25) To end with, something that surprised me in a nice way: a commercial on television with this country's strongest man demolishing a car with his own hands. Mmmmm. A big guy making something into small pieces that way made want to jump him. And I'm against violence in all other aspects...
2) I've got very little experience, mainly because sexual actions give me lots of regrets and anxiety. Sometimes I explain it like I'm allergic to body contact--whenever someone touches me it feels like I get burned by something. Of course I'm human and my body just craves contact often, but I've got to be warned before someone tries to make that contact. I may have Asperger's, so that can be an explanation. That can also explain why the people I call my best friends are the people I almost never meet up with in person.
3) So, I've kissed one guy, had sex with another and gotten use of hands with a third. None of these were actually bad experiences, but when I think back I get so angry I want to hurt something. Mostly myself. I didn't allow myself time to think about sex especially much until I'd been through basic training with the army, and now I try to still keep it out of my life to avoid those angry moments.
4) The first happened while I was in the army. I was sober, he a bit drunk. And he had a girlfriend at the time. It was more than obvious that he wanted to do more than kiss me, both because he said so and because I could feel it. He was to sleep in my bed, with me, and those beds don't got a lot of space in them. But I said no. A wise way to go, I was 21 and a virgin. And there were 5 other people in the same room. After that night I made sure that no one should sleep in the same bed as me again, ever. Even though it was kind of nice just laying there talking for hours. I see him as one of the more important people in my life right now, and he's going to Afghanistan in a few months' time.
5) The second one was also a army-friend, but a while after we had left the service. It was one of those "you should just go to sleep after two in the morning"-things. He's a nice guy, and I was his rebound after the last girlfriend. It wasn't good. But people say the first time is bad. This was real bad. But yeah, that's life, I guess. We actually became better friends after that. But now we've lost contact.
6) The third I met through the Internet. I did an experiment with Internet-dating, not to get a boyfriend but to see how it worked. This guy is quite nice, and if you can see my trend in the earlier ones, this one works in the navy. I don't know what we've been doing, but I know I've treated him badly and that I'm actually sorry I couldn't do this properly. I hope he finds a girl who suits him some day.
7) I don't think love and sex are connected in my life right now. I don't feel love even though I can say I like some people enormously. But I shouldn't have any problem with being a man-eater and just doing things without the need of feelings. But then we can go back to 2, and see that I'm not into too much body contact.
8) I got one of those calls when I was younger from someone who wanted to use me sexually. It ended with me calling the police and being very angry with jerks who use interests of young girls to get those fantasies out. In this case, he got in contact with me through a site for people working with horses.
9) First sexual experience for myself is hard to say. But I have some memories of the pretty nice feeling of the pressure downstairs when riding a ski-lift... And of course in the early teens I had some fantasies. But always kept them to myself.
10) And I'm not the kind of person who masturbates. It happens sometimes, but I can't really focus. I don't get anything out of it. So no, I've guess I never had an orgasm. I do not own a sex toy.
11) I'm not into visual porn. It feels too unreal. I do like literotica, though, as long as it keeps inside some boundaries. Some of the early contact with sex I've had was from reading it. It has to feel plausible, be described with some grace, and if the person who wrote it doesn't have good language I won't read. Well, I guess I'm picky. And nothing's wrong with M-rated fanfics. Not even M-rated slash fanfics. But make them stay in character, please?!
12) Big NO-NO's: violence, rape, incest, anal, things involving animals, kids or people who aren't able to stand up for themselves. No more to say about that.
13) Two things that actually turn me on are that feeling before something actually happens, and the feeling that I'm pleasing someone else. My fantasies often end with the first kiss, or if they go on, with me pleasing him. A lot. So I guess when I find a guy, I would like to make him a lucky one.
14) And that pleasing someone else thing does apply to my whole life, more or less, but once it made me send naked pictures and do some sexting with a guy. He had a girlfriend but still wanted to get into my pants. I found my senses and said no to him, so now he has blocked me from his life. Even though I sometimes thought about reporting him for sexual harassment. (And yeah, that guy also works in the army.) One thing he said to me sticks: "You in a uniform are able to make me do anything." He actually knows how I look in a uniform. After five days without a shower...
15) One "secret" is my love for older men. I do not want to fuck them. I just look up to them, want to be their friend and to know they trust me. Of course I could flirt a bit. Got that feeling for some of my officers (oh, naughty), and I can't shake it off. But right now it's sparse with older men in my life.
16) Although older men are interesting, sexual contact seems to happen only with younger men. Not much younger, I'm pretty young myself, but 1-3 years younger at least. I can't get what they find interesting with me. And the only thing that interests me about them is that they often have pretty beautiful bodies. Not much brains, though.
17) About not knowing what they find interesting, I'm a real woman sometimes. I try to be more like a guy, but I can't help hating my body. I'm not beautiful and sexy. There's nothing interesting or special. I look like a normal human being, not like a model or actress. As long as I feel that way, I guess it will be hard finding a good guy. But these feelings also make it able for me to be naked around people in non-sexual situations. Like in the public shower at the swimming pool or when I had to shower with the guys in the army. So yeah, lots of people have seen me naked, and yeah, I've seen lots of people naked as well. The guys found it worse than me when it was army-related...
18) As you may have realized, I'm pretty easy to turn off. I can feel turned on when I least expect it sometimes, but I'm always able to turn off in a few milliseconds. Irritating, I can promise you. Just a tiny little detail wrong and yeah, the moment's over.
19) I realized I've haven't addressed the bi-romantic thing. I'm not interested in having sex with other women, I just think they're beautiful and often more interesting than guys. So if I want to be romantic sometime, the thought of having a nice time with a woman isn't that far away. But even my mom said to me that "you're as straight anyone can be, honey."
20) I actually see myself in the future as one of those "pathetic" ladies living alone with her three dogs and an OK placement at work. One who, if she meets a guy, everybody thinks that's unusual and a bit funny. But I hope not. Of course I want at least one dog, but I may be able to share my living space with one guy too. Maybe not a husband, but someone I feel equal to.
21) Sex, sex, sex. Well, sometimes I get tired of this sexual liberation and so on. I like sites like this, I like that it's okay to talk about sex and to have it without marriage and that there are ways to protect yourself and that you're allowed to do strange stuff as long as everyone involved says it's fine with them. But sometimes it becomes a bit too much. Actually there are sensitive people out there, actually some people doesn't want to hear about your escapades when they eat lunch at the next table, and kids should be able to be kids without their parents needing to cover their ears or eyes every fifteenth minute. I know sex sells, and that this is 2012, but take it easy sometimes, will you?
22) I think that in my next life I should be full of confidence, and when I see a guy looking at me with interest, I should try to get him into bed. Just because of the fun of it. And in that life I may have a great sex life. Thinking about it, maybe I should try that out in this life, so I'm able to avoid the situation in 20, and so I can erase all bad feelings.
23) I don't have any lists of people I want to sleep with or things I should've tried before a certain age. But if you didn't get that earlier, guys in uniform are always on top of any non-existing imaginary lists...
24) Actually I didn't think I would have this much to say. But I guess thank you for reading and seeing that normal, smart people can have these bad experiences but still be wanting more. Good experiences, then, though.
25) To end with, something that surprised me in a nice way: a commercial on television with this country's strongest man demolishing a car with his own hands. Mmmmm. A big guy making something into small pieces that way made want to jump him. And I'm against violence in all other aspects...
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