1. I can't masturbate. More on that later.
2. I've never had an orgasm. Could it be due to #1, or vice-versa? I mean, I like sex, but sometimes I wonder if I'm actually getting physical pleasure from it. And then I wonder if I'm over-analyzing it. Anyway, I don't remember ever having PERFECT sex before, and I wonder if maybe I did, that might be enough. It's my last hope, see.
3. I've never had a conventional boyfriend. I have a long-distance one, we've never met, we've been together for several years. He loves me, he needs me, he knows me and my every desire. I wonder if he could do it perfectly? But at the same time, the few pictures I've seen of him have also made me wonder if I would get in bed with him at all.
4. I keep sex very separate and apart from love. At the time when just about all of my classmates had lost their virginity, I made a conscious decision to do the same. I met up with a guy who lives a couple hours away, and he popped my cherry that night, as agreed upon. Some folks think I'm a little crazy, but why should sex or virginity be that big of a deal, anyway?
5. I have mixed feelings about threesomes. During my second meet-up with my cherry-popper, I brought along the girl who was my best friend at the time. She was much more sex-oriented at the time, so it was kinda her idea. It ended up being more like him-on-her, and then like, he wandered over to me to try and make me feel less left out? I felt really awkward and inadequate the whole time. I don't want to do that again, but I think it was more the people involved than the fact that it was a threesome.
6. My mom thinks I lost my virginity about a year and a half later than I did. She never met my cherry-popper, and I never had the guts to tell her about him. Meeting guys over the internet is sketchy? Anyway, the guy she's familiar with (and thinks took my virginity) is from Chicago, about 6 hours away. He and I were very loosely involved, but met up quite a few times. I think he was probably the best-endowed I've seen to date! He was also pretty darn good, and probably got me the closest to orgasm. He's happily with someone else now, though, and we've kinda fallen out of touch.
7. At the moment, my current interest is a poly, male, bisexual couple. The younger guy is a friend of mine from childhood, which brings up flashing lights in reference to #5, but I think it might be okay, mostly because he and I had sex shortly after the three of us discussed the whole arrangement. The older guy (about 12 years older, yikes!) is his loving boyfriend who thinks that I might be able to help them in the bedroom. I'm looking forward to it, if it ever does end up happening. There might be bondage involved, and I'm new at that.
8. Hrm... toys. If you ask me, a piece of rubber or silicone or whatever-you're-using will never be as nice as an actual penis. A penis is naturally warm, and yielding enough that it doesn't hurt. There's also a big difference between toys by myself, and toys with a partner. By myself, they're completely unattractive, boring, painful, and just overall not a good idea. With a partner, I don't mind them as much, because usually I'll be nicely aroused and lubricated by that point. Still, though, they don't really do a whole lot for me, not even with a vibe.
9. My clit is useless. It does nothing when I try it, and so far has had nothing but pain when others try it. But again, back to #2, I think maybe it's never been done perfectly. It's almost as though guys know that it's there, and they're supposed to do something with it. So they treat it like a button and just press it as hard as they can! Nobody's ever tried gentle circles around it, and I think that might be the ticket. Maybe one day I'll find out.
10. As far as my G-spot goes, I can't tell if I've actually got one or not. Many have tried to find it, but there has been no conclusive data either way.
11. When I say many, I think my number of sex partners is at... 8. I keep track of it all in a little black book, but I'm too lazy to go get it as I type this. Of those 8, there are only 3 that I would consider sleeping with again at this point in time.
12. I really don't mind anal! Back when I was still a virgin, I wanted to explore my sexuality but was afraid of breaking my hymen. So I explored anally, and found it wasn't so bad. To this day, I can still take longer and wider insertions anally than I can vaginally. Another thing that's never been done to me before was double-penetration, either with a toy or with two penises. That's another reason why I hold high hopes for the couple in #7.
13. My sex dreams are sorely lacking. There are only two I can remember, and for some reason they both have the recurring theme of penetration through clothing. As in, I'm so wet that I slick over the fabric, and he's so hard that he pushes in anyway, without even unclothing himself. One of these dreams was with #6, and the other one was with my cousin! That still kinda creeps me out. Weird.
14. I'm a furry, and so have been every single one of my 8 partners.
15. I'm curious about using a strap-on! Either on a guy who likes a prostate massage, or maybe on a girl... I've never been with a girl before, but I'm not averse to trying! I made a Lion's Den trip the other day, and picked up an off-brand feeldoe. (The real ones are expensive!) From what little I've tried, I'm a little worried about being able to hold onto it in order to use it effectively. But oh well, if I ever figure out how to masturbate, it'll be useful, I'm sure.
16. Hickeys- I'm too sub to give them, but I don't mind getting them! I just had a bad experience once, when at the time it seemed like the guy was barely sucking at all, but the next morning I woke up with deep maroon bruises ALL OVER my neck that didn't fade for 10 days! I guess I bruise easily, so from now on it'll have to be below the collar. (For those who read Naruto, I'm not kidding, it looked like I had a freakin' curse mark or something.)
17. I'm overweight. (The Wii Fit says obese, but I'm working my way past that line in the foreseeable future!) I've been this way since 2nd grade, and it's completely trashed my self-esteem. My roommate thinks that I could do a lot better than the guys I've been with, but I'm not sure I agree. Also, this sometimes makes sex uncomfortable if it goes on for too long in the same position- I'm not that flexible, so sometimes I'll get sore hip-joints, or sweat from the skin-contact. So either be quick or switch it up!
18. On the subject of positions- the angle and positioning of my vaginal cavity make missionary the easiest and most natural. However, my favorite position is spooning- I love the feeling that he's holding me and wants me, with his hands roaming over my front while he takes me with desire from the back. Because of how I'm built internally, this usually either ends up being anal, or I'll have to kinda t-square off from him at a weird angle.
19. I don't mind doggy-style, though it either wears me out or I get self-conscious and I'll end up flat on the bed. That frustrates him, and makes me feel lazy! I am not fond of being on top. Both because I'm too much of a sub for that, and again because I'm self-conscious. I don't like flapping around in front of him, you know? Lotus or reverse-cowboy might be options. Possibly.
20. What turns me on? A well-written fanfiction, a slow and teasing hand around the labia, an erection grinding needfully at me from behind (usually morning wood).
21. What makes me comfortable? Background noise, like a movie or TV, and cuddling- lots of it. The more you make me think you want me, the happier I'll be. Especially if it's not just my vagina you want!
22. Things that don't do much for me, but you're free to do them if you wish: Touching/fondling my breasts, open-mouthed kissing, going down on me.
23. I'm not too big on giving blowjobs. I'd really have to be in the right mood, or there would have to be chocolate sauce involved. Which is another thing that has yet to happen! In any case, I'm told that I'm good at blowjobs, even though my gag reflex is terrible and I'm always afraid of slipping and hurting him with my teeth. Maybe they just think I'm good because I'd rather swallow the cum than taste something so salty for any longer.
24. I like to experiment, because for all I know there could be something magical out there, just waiting to give me an orgasm, and I just haven't tried it yet! My biggest curiosity at the moment is bondage. I've been trying to figure it out for awhile, with only a slight amount of mental progress that is difficult for me to put into words. I'm still not sure if it's for me, but it can't hurt to try!
25. Would you believe I'm pretty much a prude in real life? Oh sure, I'll discuss it all you like in text format, but for some reason I can't bring myself to say dirty things with my own mouth. I'm pretty sure I've got some kind of mental block. Wish me luck on breaking it down!
Friday, July 16, 2010
1. I hate the term “fucking” when I say it- it sounds ugly, guttural and disrespectful. But when my girlfriend says it, it’s the sexiest thing in the world.
2. I’m a HUGE fan of power dynamics and desperately want to incorporate more BDSM into my sexual encounters. However, my greatest fear in life is being raped, and the juxtaposition of these two items doesn’t sit comfortably.
3. My mother is a nurse midwife, so she was adamant on sexual education at a very young age. This didn’t extend very far into the important stuff about sex like emotional connection, desire, or orgasms, but I did get the basic “talk” around age 6. I believe I compared sex to a party. Little did I know…
4. The first time I had sex was on the third date with my first boyfriend. He had told me he wanted to make love to me on our first real date and I said no, partially because I was positive I’d get pregnant and partially because I knew it was a bad idea emotionally. I hadn’t even considered the possibility of sleeping with him before he brought it up. After he mentioned it, though, I knew that I wanted to have sex, but the act of it scared the shit out of me, so I wasn’t aroused or into it at all when it happened. It was not even remotely enjoyable. I kept having sex with him, though, hoping it would get better. It never did. It wasn’t until about a year and a half and another boyfriend later that I realized I just wasn’t sexually attracted to men. Although I know it couldn’t even remotely qualify as rape, there’s something in the intersection of my desperate need for physical affection, my lack of understanding in the entire situation, and the way he used “I love you” (my first) to get what he wanted that doesn’t make me feel good.
5. My vagina is really small, even when aroused, so sex with both my boyfriends and my vibrator hurts terribly. Mercifully, my girlfriend has small fingers.
6. The idea of being a prostitute always used to repulse me, but I realize now that it was because I always framed it in terms of male customers. If I served a strictly female clientele, the idea becomes not only tolerable, but mildly intriguing.
7. I have the most obscene sex drive when I’m around my girlfriend. When I came to college, though, (about a week before I met her), I had a conversation with my roommate about how I didn’t really like sex and didn’t see what the big deal was.
8. Luckily, my sex drive pretty much shuts down when I’m away from my girlfriend. She’s been gone for over 3 weeks now and I think I’ve masturbated once. This will come in handy, I think, when I study abroad.
9. My little sister had sex before me and gave me a lecture about waiting when I went on the pill because I was going to sleep with my first boyfriend. It pains me to say that her advice was probably right.
10. On the other hand, I feel like no matter how bad my sexual experiences with my first boyfriend were, they opened me up to the idea of myself as a sexual being and without that, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I certainly wouldn’t be able to write as openly and honestly about sex, which is one thing I really enjoy.
11. For years, I thought I was unable to orgasm, but after about 2 weeks of sleeping with my girlfriend, I had my first one. It wasn’t long after that when she got me to have multiples. Life is wonderful.
12. I like to pretend I’m an exhibitionist, but I’m not. After having an argument with my girlfriend, I tried to get her to have sex in the open area of her apartment’s kitchen with her roommate just across the hall in her bedroom. She wouldn’t go along with it. I broke down crying and realized that I was only doing it to avoid dealing with the fight. It was the most ashamed I’d been in our entire relationship. She hugged me and told me it didn’t matter and everything was fine.
13. I love the first 10 seconds of doggie-style sex more than anything in the world. It feels so good and tight, but after about 3 thrusts, it begins to hurt unbearably and I can’t enjoy it anymore. This does not happen when my partner uses fingers, but it also doesn’t feel nearly as good.
14. It pisses me off that I have to post things like this anonymously for fear that my friends, girlfriend, or family might see it and be uncomfortable with it. I respect their limits, but it bothers me to be accountable for so many people’s sensibilities.
15. The morning after my senior prom, my boyfriend took me home and fingered me in the basement because he knew that I didn’t have the strength or stamina to stand regular sex. I didn’t even give him a blow job. I consider this one of the most selfless sexual acts I’ve ever witnessed.
16. This boyfriend, overall actually, was rather selfless. We had a lot of problems with sex because of my shape, so he did research, offered sensual alternatives, and did everything he could to make sure I was enjoying myself as much as possible. At one point, I couldn’t continue the act of sex, so he got up, left the room, and five minutes later brought me to the bathroom where he had drawn a hot bath for us.
17. I talk with my girlfriend all the time about him. Rather than being jealous, she’s thankful for him having treated me so well.
18. I’m moving in with my girlfriend in just over a month and I already can’t imagine myself living my life out with anyone else. Everything from my conception of real, intimate sex to how I carry out my daily routine has been inextricably combined in our co-existence.
19. I’m desperately afraid that when I go to Africa, I will be unable to hide that I am queer and will be raped or abused for it.
20. The professionalism of my new blog makes me feel better about talking about sex in an open forum. It alleviates some of the fears from #14.
21. I have absolutely no desire to be a teacher, but I really, really want to teach a comprehensive sex ed class or workshop at some point in my life. I feel like it is so important, especially for women, to understand and really take hold of their own sexual desire, and if I can give them the resources or the platform to discuss issues of sex and sexuality, that would make me incredibly happy.
22. When I started looking at porn online, I only ever looked for female porn. It never occurred to me that there was porn of men, or that it was even remotely abnormal that I focused on women. I had no conception of my own queerness at the time. I just didn’t look for pictures of penises.
23. I have yet to have that really wild, rip your clothes off, totally uninhibited sex. I can feel it coming in the near future, though, and I am seriously excited.
24. I’ve always wanted to do nude modeling, but felt that I wasn’t thin enough. Now that I’ve lost weight and feel confident about myself, I find that I can’t conscience it because the pictures might end up somewhere my family or friends might see them. And I’m almost certain my girlfriend would not approve.
25. I lost my virginity on Friday the 13th. Somehow I find this fitting.
2. I’m a HUGE fan of power dynamics and desperately want to incorporate more BDSM into my sexual encounters. However, my greatest fear in life is being raped, and the juxtaposition of these two items doesn’t sit comfortably.
3. My mother is a nurse midwife, so she was adamant on sexual education at a very young age. This didn’t extend very far into the important stuff about sex like emotional connection, desire, or orgasms, but I did get the basic “talk” around age 6. I believe I compared sex to a party. Little did I know…
4. The first time I had sex was on the third date with my first boyfriend. He had told me he wanted to make love to me on our first real date and I said no, partially because I was positive I’d get pregnant and partially because I knew it was a bad idea emotionally. I hadn’t even considered the possibility of sleeping with him before he brought it up. After he mentioned it, though, I knew that I wanted to have sex, but the act of it scared the shit out of me, so I wasn’t aroused or into it at all when it happened. It was not even remotely enjoyable. I kept having sex with him, though, hoping it would get better. It never did. It wasn’t until about a year and a half and another boyfriend later that I realized I just wasn’t sexually attracted to men. Although I know it couldn’t even remotely qualify as rape, there’s something in the intersection of my desperate need for physical affection, my lack of understanding in the entire situation, and the way he used “I love you” (my first) to get what he wanted that doesn’t make me feel good.
5. My vagina is really small, even when aroused, so sex with both my boyfriends and my vibrator hurts terribly. Mercifully, my girlfriend has small fingers.
6. The idea of being a prostitute always used to repulse me, but I realize now that it was because I always framed it in terms of male customers. If I served a strictly female clientele, the idea becomes not only tolerable, but mildly intriguing.
7. I have the most obscene sex drive when I’m around my girlfriend. When I came to college, though, (about a week before I met her), I had a conversation with my roommate about how I didn’t really like sex and didn’t see what the big deal was.
8. Luckily, my sex drive pretty much shuts down when I’m away from my girlfriend. She’s been gone for over 3 weeks now and I think I’ve masturbated once. This will come in handy, I think, when I study abroad.
9. My little sister had sex before me and gave me a lecture about waiting when I went on the pill because I was going to sleep with my first boyfriend. It pains me to say that her advice was probably right.
10. On the other hand, I feel like no matter how bad my sexual experiences with my first boyfriend were, they opened me up to the idea of myself as a sexual being and without that, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I certainly wouldn’t be able to write as openly and honestly about sex, which is one thing I really enjoy.
11. For years, I thought I was unable to orgasm, but after about 2 weeks of sleeping with my girlfriend, I had my first one. It wasn’t long after that when she got me to have multiples. Life is wonderful.
12. I like to pretend I’m an exhibitionist, but I’m not. After having an argument with my girlfriend, I tried to get her to have sex in the open area of her apartment’s kitchen with her roommate just across the hall in her bedroom. She wouldn’t go along with it. I broke down crying and realized that I was only doing it to avoid dealing with the fight. It was the most ashamed I’d been in our entire relationship. She hugged me and told me it didn’t matter and everything was fine.
13. I love the first 10 seconds of doggie-style sex more than anything in the world. It feels so good and tight, but after about 3 thrusts, it begins to hurt unbearably and I can’t enjoy it anymore. This does not happen when my partner uses fingers, but it also doesn’t feel nearly as good.
14. It pisses me off that I have to post things like this anonymously for fear that my friends, girlfriend, or family might see it and be uncomfortable with it. I respect their limits, but it bothers me to be accountable for so many people’s sensibilities.
15. The morning after my senior prom, my boyfriend took me home and fingered me in the basement because he knew that I didn’t have the strength or stamina to stand regular sex. I didn’t even give him a blow job. I consider this one of the most selfless sexual acts I’ve ever witnessed.
16. This boyfriend, overall actually, was rather selfless. We had a lot of problems with sex because of my shape, so he did research, offered sensual alternatives, and did everything he could to make sure I was enjoying myself as much as possible. At one point, I couldn’t continue the act of sex, so he got up, left the room, and five minutes later brought me to the bathroom where he had drawn a hot bath for us.
17. I talk with my girlfriend all the time about him. Rather than being jealous, she’s thankful for him having treated me so well.
18. I’m moving in with my girlfriend in just over a month and I already can’t imagine myself living my life out with anyone else. Everything from my conception of real, intimate sex to how I carry out my daily routine has been inextricably combined in our co-existence.
19. I’m desperately afraid that when I go to Africa, I will be unable to hide that I am queer and will be raped or abused for it.
20. The professionalism of my new blog makes me feel better about talking about sex in an open forum. It alleviates some of the fears from #14.
21. I have absolutely no desire to be a teacher, but I really, really want to teach a comprehensive sex ed class or workshop at some point in my life. I feel like it is so important, especially for women, to understand and really take hold of their own sexual desire, and if I can give them the resources or the platform to discuss issues of sex and sexuality, that would make me incredibly happy.
22. When I started looking at porn online, I only ever looked for female porn. It never occurred to me that there was porn of men, or that it was even remotely abnormal that I focused on women. I had no conception of my own queerness at the time. I just didn’t look for pictures of penises.
23. I have yet to have that really wild, rip your clothes off, totally uninhibited sex. I can feel it coming in the near future, though, and I am seriously excited.
24. I’ve always wanted to do nude modeling, but felt that I wasn’t thin enough. Now that I’ve lost weight and feel confident about myself, I find that I can’t conscience it because the pictures might end up somewhere my family or friends might see them. And I’m almost certain my girlfriend would not approve.
25. I lost my virginity on Friday the 13th. Somehow I find this fitting.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
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