1) I like obviously artificial makeup. I like dye jobs. I like band shirts. I like tattoos. I like hoodies. I listen to Panic! At the Disco purely because Ryan Ross’s outfits turn me on. Tim Burton’s aesthetic I love. I could care less about naked bodies.

2) I hate my breasts because they make my tight T-shirts hang weirdly and they mess up the lines of my torso. It’s all sleek and lean and feline, and then there are these two round things, and I hate them. I’m the only person in the world who picks their bras on the basis that they minimize my breasts.

3) Weirdly, breasts are the one of the few body parts I actually find attractive. Well, and guys’ pelvises and penises, and very occasional arms.

4) There is nothing hotter than a sweaty, unwashed musician shredding.

5) Unless it’s a sweaty, unwashed musician with a sexy voice. I have a playlist, actually. I prefer a low, gravelly, almost-tenor voice on a woman, and a waily, melodramatic voice on a man. Sex noises are always a plus.

6) I’m turned on by suicide, codependent relationships, mindfuckery and (fictional) serial killers. I have no traumatic experience. I just came this screwed-up, I guess.

7) Most of my fantasies involve someone having sex they don’t want to have because they’re so turned on, possibly because of the supernatural (yay incubi).

8) When I fantasize, I am almost always a man.

9) I fall in love at first sight about once every two years. Love-at-first-sight me has great taste—I’ve never fallen for someone I wouldn’t marry. Unfortunately, she’s not quite so good at picking out people who are interested in me.

10) In eighth grade I jerked off in class. Every day. It took three or four months for anyone to notice. I lied and claimed I’d just been resting my hand on my stomach because I had cramps. The adults believed me, but the kids mocked me for the rest of the year.

11) I’ve been turned on by my sister touching my back before. I’m not attracted to her at all and, obviously, I’d never sleep with her.

12) It is impossible to freak or gross me out with anything sexually. I blame the Internet.

13) I have two platonic friends, if you don’t count relatives. Everyone else I’d fuck, if they’d have me. (Note: this doesn’t mean I’m attracted. It just means I’d sleep with them, if they offered.)

14) I read erotica, but I hate porn. It doesn’t offend me or anything; it’s just boring. On the other hand, a singer grabbing his crotch on stage or lifting his shirt a little or pelvic thrusting gets me every time.

15) I almost always get crushes on people because I think they like me. Unfortunately, my brain tends to instantly jump from “they talked to me” to “they want to jump my bones.” In my defense, it works that way for me.

16) I’ve never fucked someone I’m honestly attracted to, as opposed to having a crush on because of #15. I’ve never had as good orgasms in regular sex as in masturbation.

17) Despite #16, I’ve never regretted a sexual encounter.

18) I crave pain during sex. It’s not necessary during masturbation, but screwed-up power dynamics in my head are.

19) I get distracted during masturbation and start thinking about random stuff. This doesn’t happen during sex. I like erotica, because it keeps my focus at the task at hand (pun entirely intended).

20) Naked cuddling is better than sex.

21) Sometimes I get so lonely I hug myself or a pillow and pretend I’m cuddling a particularly cuddle-worthy celebrity. I guess you could call it cuddling masturbation.

22) Of the blogs I check on a regular basis, about half are sex blogs. I like to stay informed.

23) I think I’m terrible in bed. My sex-to-male-orgasm ratio is quite embarrassing. I don’t want to have sex with someone else again in case it proves that I’m right. I’m more embarrassed by #23 than #11.

24) I can’t remember the name of my first kiss. I’m pretty sure I’m going to forget the name of my first fuck soon. I can, however, remember both my and their outfits from both occasions.

25) I think everyone in the world has beautiful eyes. No matter how ugly, or mean, or stupid the person: stare into their eyes and they are beautiful and someone you’d like to sleep with.