Friday, April 9, 2010

1. I am a 24-year-old female and a virgin (of everything). It’s not because of religion. I have no real reason for it. Most of this list is going to be stuck on that fact.

2. I’m not sure if my lack of interest in dating and sex now is normal. I’ve never dated and never been kissed. I masturbate less now than in my teens. I don’t want to be headed on this downward slope! I use to wonder if I was asexual but I think I’m afraid of intimacy.

3. I think there is too much emphasis on virginity in societies. It leads to a double standard. My virginity is my business. How, when, who is MY business too. I’ll let you know if I think you should!

4. Sometimes I am embarrassed to have been a virgin for so long. I know I shouldn’t be. I didn’t consider having sex until after high school. I was too shy. I hate when people talk about sex around me, only because I don’t want to actually confess the virgin part. I can fake it if no one knows!

5. Before I had access to the Internet to find out about sex, it was all from books. I just had to be very discreet with what I was reading. The book "Everything You Wanted to Know about Sex but Were Afraid to Ask" has a terrible, BRIGHT YELLOW cover. Even when you take off the dust jacket! This was never on my bookshelf.

6. Porn movies rarely compare to my own mental fantasies. I need a plot AND sex scenes. I have an active fantasy life and I love reading slash fan fiction. I prefer gay porn. I wonder if my fantasy life is going to ruin my actual sex life.

7. Often, I imagine myself as a man having sex with another man during my fantasies. I still like being a woman. I may just turn out to be a woman trying a strap-on in real life.

8. I didn’t get much of a sex education from my parents. I believe it was a short pamphlet by Dear Abby or some advice columnist. That’s all I remember getting.

9. I feel vaguely guilty and dirty after masturbating to non-con fantasies (between gay and hetero couples). I rationalize my slight guilt afterwards that it’s only in my head, and I’m not actually contributing to an increase in rape crimes. I still feel bad.

10. I’m more aroused by the thought of male bodies than females. I’m not really attracted to women but I wouldn’t say a definite no. I can admire their bodies.

11. Androgyny? Guys in eyeliner? Tattoos? Oh yes. Make me smile and laugh. Oh yes. Arousal.

12. Two months ago, I finally bought my first sex toys. The vibrator was too big. The only one that fits isn’t anywhere close to a normal penis size. At the rate I’m going, it’ll be a while before it fits. I’ll make sure it will. Why should I be uncomfortable/in pain during my first time? I’m going to make sure that I enjoy sex as much as my partner.

13. I’ve never had an orgasm from penetration yet. I never used my fingers until a year ago. It just seemed unhygienic to me before. I love my clit stimulator more.

14. I love the idea of being cuddled and touching someone and think about sex less now. I used to masturbate with a pillow as a child. Now I mostly cuddle with it.

15. It took me a long time to figure out my vagina. I remember the first time I discovered that I could insert a pencil inside. I was astonished it could go so far in. Sometimes I think the words "vagina" and "labia" are weird. I haven’t found a good name for my vagina yet.

16. I know sex would lead me to be more committed in a relationship. Sometimes I worry that having sex will make me lose common sense and stay with someone who isn’t good for me. This makes no sense. I can still date and not have sex and not worry about it... but I don’t.

17. I’m okay with not marrying (ever). But I think I’d feel a stronger desire to marry if I’m in a long term relationship. It’s a mix of possessiveness and a little bit of childhood pressures. I am also very stubborn when faced with pressure. So maybe not.

18. I have a deathly fear of pregnancy. I’ve had nightmares where I mysteriously become pregnant. I don’t want children. I see at least two forms of birth control in my sex life. Or someone’s vasectomy.

19. I don’t like seeing public displays of affection between anyone. It's part feeling like an unwelcomed voyeur, and part jealousy.

20. My neck and back are more sensitive than my breasts.

21. I hate my hairy legs. I have a great body but I hate all my body hair. I just trim my bush, though; I’m not caring about that part. I hate the pressure on women to be beautiful and perfect. It doesn’t stop me from feeling the pressure.

22. One of my inner labia is longer than the other. I hated it for a long time. I even contemplated surgery. I can’t believe I even thought of that. I didn’t think on the differences women had in their shapes. Now my idea is “love me, love my body as-is."

23. I’d be open to a threesome someday. But I think I would be too much of a possessive lover. It may just stay a lovely fantasy.

24. I’m making a list of things I’d be interested in trying out. It’s turning out longer than I thought. I keep finding new things to add. I love the Internet, it's opened me up to so many more sexual possibilities.

25. This is not so easy to write with my mother in the room. I hope she doesn’t turn around and ask what I’m typing again.