Friday, March 6, 2009

1. I don't really like to define my sexuality. I just like sleeping with the best looking, smartest, funniest, most talented people. If I have good chemistry with a person, I find no reason why it matters whether he or she has a penis or a vagina.

2. Watching people eat is my number one turn-on. There is something about the process of tasting and mastication that gets me all hot and bothered. Decadent meals filled with different flavors, colors, and textures excite me. As a result of my fetish, people tend to gain a lot of weight when we date. One of my ex-girlfriends gained almost 20 pounds in 10 months. No wonder she broke up with me.

3. I've had several threesomes, but only with women. I much prefer having sex with just one person at a time. I really like to focus on the person I'm engaged with and hate to split my attention.

4. I have fucked two guys in the ass with a strap-on. One was my long-term boyfriend at the time who said he was unsure if he liked it, but insisted on taking it hard and often. The other was a casual lover that enthusiastically loved it. I never really enjoyed doing it.

5. I've masturbated 3-5 times a day since I was 12 years old. Even if I have sex all day long, I find a time or create a circumstance where I can masturbate.

6. I don't know much Spanish, but it is the only way I like to talk dirty. I guess the exotic is erotic to me.

7. I lost my virginity to my third boyfriend in high school at age 16. He has a 9" penis and his was the first I ever saw in real life. We dated for years and I assumed that he was an average size. I was disappointed with hetero-sex for a long time after we split up, but now prefer a smaller penis.

8. My boyfriend when I was 15 ended up starting his transition from male to female while we were dating in high school. I began to love him more as he got more fem.

9. I love giving blowjobs. I can go down on a guy for hours. I've never swallowed.

10. I once dated a guy that liked to get peed on. I agreed to pee on him, but only in the shower. I am ashamed to say that I was disgusted and broke up with him shortly after. I never told him that was one of the main reasons.

11. I hate the absence of body hair. I like when men have at least a little chest hair and when women have hairy armpits. I can't stand when people remove all of their pubic hair. It freaks me out and makes oral sex less enjoyable to give. I, myself, do shave my armpits and legs, but only trim my pubies.

12. I know it is snobby, but it is difficult for me to be attracted to someone that hasn't gone to college. The best-looking person I ever dated closely resembled Johnny Depp. When we were out on a date he got stopped and asked for an autograph. After he told me that he (at 27) had never read a whole "chapter book" I had to break things off.

13. My first girlfriend was a porn movie actress. She once got me really drunk and secretly taped us having sex with one of her female co-workers. She put the recording on her website without my knowledge and profited from it. It is the closest thing to rape that I've ever experienced.

14. The only time I've ever been roofied was at a gay pride parade. I was hanging out with a group of queers that I didn't know very well and a very large women slipped something into my drink. I knew something was wrong almost immediately and literally ran away. My disoriented self panicked and I called my dad. I told him the situation and he stayed on the phone with me and helped me stay coherent enough to find my car. I passed out in the back seat with the doors locked and drove home a few hours later. That was many years ago, but my dad and I haven't discussed it since.

15. I have a very addictive personality and I have a tendency to get really obsessed with things that I like. I'll fixate on certain musicians', writers', or artists' work and my passion for the art inevitably leads to me having huge crushes on that creator. In almost every case, I've met and had sexual relationships (not just one night stands) with each person I sought.

16. I've never had a one night stand and only once went home with someone I had met the same day.

17. I am a thin person and had small breasts all through high school. The girls in the locker room used to tease me about my twiglike physique when we changed for swim practice. I guess I was a late bloomer, because I grew to a 32DD in college. Now I am a 32E and could not be happier with my body. Screw you, high school bitches!

18. I don't consider myself a shy person and love to talk about sex all the time and with anyone. Discussing the intricacies of people's fetishes and perversions makes for the best conversations.

19. I love kissing and making out. I could do it for hours. Really anything that involves mouths is pleasurable to me.

20. I've never written or received a love letter, but have sent many dirty text messages.

21. Maybe it is the combination of the perfect rhythm and his voice, but I've recently discovered that Lil Wayne's Carter 3 can make me cum really hard every time I either masturbate or have sex while listening that album.

22. I'm definitely a submissive and like it when I'm choked, thrown around, and bitten during sex. But I never want to be slapped in the face, nor do I want to hit my partner in in the face. I've been asked to several times and by multiple people, but always adamantly refuse.

23. I tend to be extremely loud during sex. This has proved to make awkward conversations with both my housemates and the housemates of the people I'm sleeping with.

24. When I was a child, my brother and cousins used to hold me down and tickle my feet. Now, I can't handle when anyone has contact with my feet at all. Even when I am in bed with someone, I wear socks or keep my feet from ever touching anyone else's skin. It is a big deal and a huge hurdle of trust when I get comfortable enough with someone for our feet to touch.

25. I inevitably have crushes on each of my friends at some point. I've been very conscious of my feelings and have done my best to not sleep with anyone I want to maintain a close non-romantic relationship with. So far, I'd say I'm working at a 75% success rate of not doing it with my friends. To the other 25% of you, either "thanks!" or "sorry!"
1. I love my body now, but it took me a long time to get here. I used to think my 34A breasts were too small and my thighs (which are comfortable in size 6 pants) were too large and my legs were too short and my body has 15 lbs more fat on it than it did when I was 16. When I was in the 5th grade my dad said I was starting to get saddlebags and so I started exercising more because I didn't want to be fat, and for a long time I tried to eat healthy so I would be skinnier, and I flirted with anorexia but never dove in completely. But one day I realized that everybody is going to be a little insecure about something and I'm healthy and I'm never going to be any skinnier than I am now, so I might as well quit worrying about things that will never change and embrace what I now realize is an amazing body. Not every guy is going to be into me, sure, but there are plenty of people out there who find me attractive. Now I get pissed off at the companies that make clothing that doesn't fit a healthy human woman instead of getting mad at myself for not fitting into their unrealistic molds, and life is good.

2. I hate the look of a guy who has removed all of his pubic hair. I have shaved since I was a freshman in high school and I love the feel of being mostly bald down there, but hairless testicles look revolting to me. This makes it difficult for me to enjoy porn much of the time.

3. I would love to watch more porn, but I am really turned off by breast implants and sex scenes in which a woman's clit is entirely ignored and she is obviously putting on a show but not getting off. I know there is better porn out there than the mainstream movies, but when I'm horny I can't find good stuff without wading through enough bad stuff to thoroughly turn me off, so for the moment I am sticking to published volumes of erotica (because poor spelling, punctuation, and grammar really turn me off).

4. I gag at the sight of a male porn star ejaculating. I love swallowing after a BJ, but I don't sleep with porn stars. I just find male porn stars (so far, anyway) so unappealing that the sight of their cum disgusts me.

5. I love watching people get off. They can be guys or girls or anything in between, in any combination, just as long as they are turned on and aren't distractingly unattractive.

6. I am totally OK with my partners enjoying porn, as long as I'm still getting laid and they still appreciate me as I am, without breast implants or fake nails.

7. I enjoyed my period since I got it at 15, but I hated the feeling of even the smallest tampons ripping at the walls of my vagina when I tried to remove them. Since I got my Divacup (reusable silicone menstrual cup), I love my period. I think the blood is beautiful and fascinating. I am incredibly horny during my period and hopefully one day my boyfriend will get over the taboo nature of period sex so we can have a messy good time together.

8. I slept with a guy for 3 years who was awful awful awful in bed. He was my first partner so I didn't know any better. He would ejaculate almost immediately during sex, even with a condom. If I gave him head first and then let him get hard again, he could fuck for a couple of minutes. His dick was 4 or 5 inches and fat, and I was always sore afterwards, sometimes for days, because he was just too thick for me. He could only get me off with oral, and I am happy to be rid of him.

9. My father gave me the sex talk and a book (Love and Sex and Growing Up) when I was in the third grade. Somehow I never absorbed the part about women getting wet when they become aroused, and the first time it happened to me I thought I was sick. Up until that point, it was very bad if one of my orifices was leaking liquids, and my mother told me to tell her if anything like cottage cheese came out of me down there, so I thought something must have been wrong. Thank goodness I didn't tell anyone.

10. Once I discovered masturbation, I did it quite frequently. I started at about 11 and by the time I was in high school I did it most nights. I used to rub against pillows, but once I discovered vibrators, I had to have one. I had one of those "doodle pens" where you put in a battery and it drew little spirals on your paper with removable colored pens, and I used it on my clit until I burned out the motor. I went through 3 doodle pens before I was old enough to buy a real vibrator.

11. My favorite sex toys now are my Lelo Gigi (but only on my clit) and my small glass g-spot dildo. I have a Lelo Lily that isn't as strong as the Gigi, and while it doesn't get me off alone, it is wonderful when I need something small and am already really turned on. The Hitachi Magic Wand is way too strong for me, but my boyfriend loves using it on his cock. I like using the We Vibe for masturbation, but it was awkward when it had to sit next to a cock inside of me. When I have more extra cash, I'd like to get a butt plug and a silicone g-spot dildo (because my glass one is too hard when it bangs at my g-spot for a long time).

12. When I was in high school, my family got a digital camera. I used to talk to guys in chat rooms and once they found out I had pictures, they would ask for increasingly sexy shots. I took sexy pictures for them and didn't send them out to everyone in the world, but in retrospect I am sure they got around. I was a nerdy girl who hadn't received a lot of attention from boys, and hearing that I was attractive did a lot for my self-esteem. It makes me feel really sexy to show off my body and I like talking to people about sex, so it was a tough habit to quit, but the conversations became repetitive and I had better things to do. Eventually I realized that all of the guys I had been talking to were real jerks who just wanted to use me as a sexual aid, and I got a boyfriend who told me I was attractive and meant it, so I cut it out. While I really regret what I did, I am thankful that I made these mistakes on the internet instead of with a boyfriend, because I would have totally been fucking at 13 if I found myself alone with a horny guy of the same age. Who knows how many pregnancy scares, STDs, and broken hearts I missed out on by experimenting online, as stupid as it was?

13. I would hate to be hit or degraded during sex, but I love to be held down or restrained. I often orgasm while sitting on my boyfriend's cock while he forces me to hold still so I can only wiggle enough to rub my clit against him a little. I wish he'd be a little more dominant sometimes, but we're still exploring. It makes me really horny to reflect upon my arousal but be forced to wait to get what I want and even beg for it. I love being teased, but it's hard to get enough teasing when my partner is so turned on that he doesn't want to wait anymore either.

14. I love to suck cock. Nothing gets me wet like having a cock in my mouth. I know a lot of women hate this, but I like it when he holds my head still and fucks my face (as long as I can tap him somewhere to let him know when I need to take a breather). To know I'm turning him on so much really gets me hot.

15. I would not want to have a sexual relationship with a guy whose cock was bigger than 7 inches, or too thick. My boyfriend is already big enough that he bangs on my cervix in some positions, and if he were any bigger I don't know how I could have a sexual relationship with him. Pain during sex guarantees that I'm not going to get off, so a cock bigger than 7 inches would mean only having sex in a couple of very specific positions or never having orgasms, and I couldn't deal with that.

16. I wish more guys were uncircumcised. The foreskin is such a wonderful body part and it is awful for someone to cut if off without your consent. If we cut off every body part that got a little dirty if you don't wash it, we wouldn't be left with much.

17. I was put on the pill when I was 15 because I wasn't having regular periods and my parents thought there was something wrong with me. I didn't complain because I liked knowing that I wouldn't have to worry about getting pregnant. I was on the same brand and dose of pills for 8 years, and it made me lactate during my period (to the point that my doctors told me I had a tumor in my pituitary gland and put me on some awful medication that made me fiercely dizzy) and irritated my cervix (to the point that I would bleed a little when penetrated, every time). My gynecologist said "oh, yeah, that happens with the pill sometimes" and did nothing about it, so I thought my symptoms were just something I'd have to deal with if I wanted to use the pill as birth control. I did not realize until I was 23 and went to a different doctor that these things could be avoided on a lower pill dose, and I am much healthier and happier now.

18. I hate how I always have to be on my guard to not say something too sexual around people who don't know me that well yet, or people who might be offended. I like talking about sex and hate having to tiptoe around issues because so many people are uptight about a natural part of human life! I get the reputation as a pretty entertaining drunk because once I lose my inhibitions I start saying the things I'd like to be saying all the time (and do say, when sober, to my good friends and lovers) to acquaintances who haven't seen that side of me before.

19. I like to have my asshole touched and maybe a little penetration with a finger or small toy, but I don't know if I could ever enjoy a cock in my ass (for the moment at least). Thankfully, my partner is not interested in anal sex at the moment.

20. I carry a couple of cotton balls soaked in witch hazel in an old lip balm container in my purse. I squeeze them out and wipe down anywhere I am not feeling 100% fresh to make sure that I am always lickably clean. (Don't get the witch hazel in your pussy, just wipe down the labia.) I also use witch hazel on the places I shave whenever I am in the bathroom washing my face, because it kills germs and makes sure I don't get ingrown hairs. It is a cheap, easy, and natural way to freshen up and I don't understand why more people don't do this. Then again, most people use lube that contains unhealthy ingredients that give me raging yeast infections. Just say no to glycerin, girls!

21. I love my boyfriend and will probably be with him for life, but if we ever break up, I think I would like to date a foot fetishist, especially one with a kink for hosiery and socks. I have an unhealthy habit of bringing home more socks, tights, and shoes than I need, and while my current boyfriend thinks a lot of them are pretty hot, it would be interesting to have my socks become just as sexually thrilling as my bras and panties! I don't think my feet are anything special, but I'd love to see a man look at my feet like he looks at my pussy.

22. I went through that phase in high school when I would do sexual things just to check them off my purity test list, without ever becoming good at any of them or getting off on them. You know, fuzzy pink handcuffs, whipped cream, assorted vegetables, tie each other up once with whatever's lying around, oral and PIV (Penis in Vagina) sex everywhere you can get away with having it, etc. I'm glad I'm over the phase in which I'd try anything just for the hell of it, because my partner and I were just doing things to make ourselves seem adventurous when in reality, he still couldn't get me off. How are you supposed to get off on a park bench when you can't get off on a bed? How do you expect your partner to get you off when you don't know how to give yourself an orgasm? Practice makes perfect. My sex life is still not perfect, but it's better than it ever has been since I decided to make sure that my partner and I were damned good at doing the things that get each other off and worry less about having crazy sexual adventures that don't actually work for us. Now that I've had time to fantasize about what might actually work for me, I have a much better list of things to try, and looking forward to them is half the fun.

23. I can ejaculate. I'm still practicing and my urethral opening is a little too close to my vaginal opening to make it easy to do in most positions, but I'm getting to know myself better every time. I am still overwhelmed because it is a whole lot of liquid and I don't want to need several clean towels every time I have sex, but it is still a pretty neat trick! I didn't notice myself doing it for a long time because sometimes I only squirt a little and usually I just have a clitoral orgasm then lose interest. But I was watching porn on my computer when I was 23 and I didn't want to come so quickly so I was using my g-spot dildo, putting it all the way in then using my PC muscles to push it back out, and then suddenly my foot (which was a couple feet in front of my cunt rather than below it) was drenched with something. It was startling but pretty awesome at the same time.

24. I'm pretty sure that I broke my hymen in the proverbial bike accident. I saw other kids riding their bikes up onto the sidewalk over the curb and it looked easy so I thought I'd try it too, but I ended up falling over. I pretended I was fine, and I appeared to be fine, but something in my pants really hurt where I had never hurt before. I was completely unfamiliar with my genitals at the time (2nd grade?) and thus didn't investigate or know exactly what had happened. I ignored it and since I didn't know what was going on, I didn't think to check my underwear for blood or try to get a good look at myself.

25. I wish that sex-positive culture was more mainstream and accepted. I love Dan Savage and the Sex is Fun Show, and I think they should be required listening for everyone who wants to have a satisfying sex (and love) life.
1. I have had sex with four guys, over the course of four years, two of which I dated.

2. I lost my virginity when I was 16, with a lot of enthusiasm. I really loved it despite the fact that I didn't orgasm. I thought it was beautiful and intimate though.

3. I've never orgasmed during sex or with a partner. I've orgasmed one time, by myself.

4. I am preoccupied by orgasm. I think about them all of the time. I think this is because it is so challenging for me to reach one. I think about other people's orgasms, how often they masturbate, how easy it is for them to orgasm, how good it was for them. I masturbate a few times a week, and I've used EFT to try to make orgasms come easier. I am worried it will never happen again.

5. I mentally feel like I'm missing out on something everyone else experiences regularly, but physically I don't feel deprived.

6. I love kissing. Most of the time that is all I want to do. Sometimes I kiss people that Im not attracted to, and if it is good I definitely like them more. When I meet people I think about if I would kiss them and what it would be like.

7. I also think about people in sexual situations a lot. My bosses, old people. friends, unattractive people. I think about what they look like having sex and what they look like naked.

8. I regret three of the four guys. Most of the time I wish I had only slept with guy #1.

9. I dated guy #1 for almost a year, when I was 16. I felt really comfortable with his body and mine, and most of my firsts were with him. We used to do random sexual acts everywhere- cars, bathrooms, lakes, dressing rooms, etc. It was always fun and innocent in ways. When I try to do things like this now, with different people, I just feel dirty and inappropriate.

10. When things started to go bad with guy #1 he did some things that could be considered rape. I really cared for him, and have forgiven him, so I try not to think about it now. I have no idea if this has an effect on my sex life now. I don't have any rape fears or fantasies currently.

11. I don't feel confident and sexy when naked because I don't think I look like a "woman". In other words; hips, breasts, curves, smooth skin. I think I look like a child.

12. Dirty talk doesn't really get me. If you say "I want to fuck you" I will probably want to roll over and go to sleep, but if you play hard to get I will probably try to rip your clothes off.

13. I don't particularly plan on or want to get married, but sometimes I think to myself that no one would marry me or even want to date me unless I could orgasm easier.

14. My parents never gave me a sex talk. And I've never been caught doing anything sexual. The most my mom has ever said to me about sex was "use protection" and "don't get drunk and do anything stupid". My dad has never said a word to me about sex.

15. One time, I asked my mom how many partners she's had. She said 5. At the time, I was with guy #1 and I thought that was a very decent, acceptable number. Now that I'm approaching 5, I wonder how she kept that number so low.

16. I get really curious about the number of sexual partners my friends have had. I try not to judge, but I think that number says something about you and it makes me so curious I cannot help but ask.

17. I don't think I ever masturbated as a child, but I did have this female friend when I was about 5 or 6 that used to kiss and touch me during nap time in kindergarden. I don't remember how I felt about this, except I never felt freaked out, and we were friends until we both moved away.

18. During sex, I have a hard time talking. My mind really just goes blank and I often can't say coherent things- even to tell my partner to stop or if something feels good. Everyone I've been with hates this, and so do I.

19. Guy #3 was a sex god and thinking about him now still gets me hot. But being with him would probably represent a low point in my sexual life. I didn't feel totally comfortable with him and I rushed into sex, got emotionally attached, scared him away, and was left heartbroken. He's the most attractive guy I've ever been with and when we were together he really boosted my self esteem and made me feel really attractive.

20. Guy #4 and I dated for about six months and during this time he had a condition with his prostate (I think) that caused him to have trouble peeing and also made sex uncomfortable and sometimes painful for him. He didn't tell me this at first and sometime in the beginning of our relationship we were drinking and ended up having sex. Almost immediately after that he stopped being affectionate with me, sex, kissing, etc. This really hurt my feelings and my self esteem, especially because I didn't know why he was doing this. When I finally brought it up, he reluctantly told me about this prostate problem and told me that he had been intentionally avoiding contact with me but wasn't planning on telling me WHY, and he was just waiting for his problem to go away. I felt like shit and completely undesirable throughout this entire relationship and this still bothers me.

21. My only sexual encounter with a female is the one time a girl hit on me at a gay bar and we made out in my car. She was gorgeous and I like kissing (#6) but I wasn't into it. When we stopped kissing I just wanted her to leave.

22. I really like to see myself being touched, grabbed, penetrated, etc. while it's happening.

23. I think I have technically cheated on two of my boyfriends (by kissing another, not sex) and while I think cheating is wrong and shameful, I don't feel bad about either. The first boyfriend mostly shrugged it off and the other will probably never know, but has been shitty to me enough that I don't care.

24. I like receiving oral but sometimes I feel like it sounds like a better idea than it actually is.

25. I'm optimistic that as I get older my sex drive will increase and my sex life will get better.
1. I am excruciatingly vanilla--about as nonkinky as it gets.

2. But most of my social circle is distinctly non-vanilla. This is doubly frustrating: being a heteronormative dude means that I never know if my desires come from my true self, or if they're just the way I've been culturally socialized. Meanwhile, I've been subculturally socialized into figuring that not claiming some kind of distinct sexual identity of my own is a failure of self-awareness. So I always suspect I'm somehow missing the point. Plus I end up using words like "heteronormative" and "cisgender" to describe myself, which makes everyone roll their eyes.

3. On my first date with my first real girlfriend, she took me to a partially constructed house, then stood around getting increasingly irritated while I tried to figure out what the looks she was giving me meant. I later found out that her previous boyfriend had deflowered her in a partially constructed house on their first date, and that she'd assumed that was just how it was done.

4. I lost my virginity to a friend of my college roommate. I'd told her I didn't want to have sex, but she went ahead and did what she wanted to do anyway, and I didn't fight; I figured I might as well get it over with. It hurt, and she kept calling me what I later learned was the name of her high school English teacher. I didn't have sex with anyone again for more than a year, in part because shortly thereafter I got a girlfriend who was terrified by the idea.

5. I've always wanted to be somebody's first--in part to make sure somebody's first sexual experience was better than mine was. I think I can say with certainty at this point that that's never going to happen.

6. I'm incredibly grateful to almost everyone who's ever slept with me. A few of those experiences were, on their own, not so great, but most of them have been amazing, and every one of them has taught me things I value knowing about the people I've been with. A+++ would do again.

7. For a few years in my early 20s, I pretty much exclusively dated women who self-identified as lesbians--enough that it became a joke with my friends. (My response was usually that they were only a subcategory of the women I was attracted to, but they were the only ones who were attracted to me.) The advantage of this was that they were aware of what they wanted and able to articulate it. The disadvantage is that... there's nothing like having sex, or more often not having sex, with people who like you DESPITE your body to give you a complex.

8. In fact, there were at least three occasions when an ostensibly straight woman set up on a date with me realized mid-date that she was gay. This was not just an avoidance tactic--this was, like, a year later she gets in touch with me and she's living in Berlin with her girlfriend.

9. Here's the difference between a voyeur and an exhibitionist: a friend of mine asked me, a couple of years back, if I liked watching people in sexual situations. Totally, I said, of course. Then she asked how I felt about having people watch me. My immediate reaction wasn't even "no," it was "why in God's name would anybody want to do that?"

10. My tastes in porn are pretty specific: it has to be mixed-gender, more or less unstaged, and consensual. Which is to say that the participants have to be okay with having a camera there (and any hint of coercion, humiliation, etc., is a total buzzkill), but doing what they'd do if there weren't a camera there. As you might guess, this limits my options some.

11. I've tried phone sex exactly once, with a long-distance friend I'd never met in person. She called me up, chatted for a bit, then asked if I liked phone sex. I said uh, sure, tell me what you're thinking you'd like to do. A few minutes in, her monologue switched gears to a fantasy of pulling out a knife and cutting me all over. I freaked out and hung up. That was the end of that for me.

12. Another thing I've done only once (but wish I'd gotten to do more): got a booty call from a near-total stranger. Weirdly enough, it resulted in a friendship that's now gone on for a decade, although we've never done anything sexual again.

13. I've slept with people 10 years older than me (when I was 21) and 10 years younger than me (when I was 29).

14. An old girlfriend of mine once told me that her subsequent boyfriend had broken up with her when she told him she couldn't come without thinking about me. I felt bad for them both, but it's also probably the nicest compliment I've ever gotten.

15. There are naked pictures of me on the Internet. Discovering them was a little bit of a relief, oddly; I didn't have to worry about it happening any more.

16. I think most alpha males are despicable, or rather they use their alpha-ness in despicable ways. I have also always kind of wanted to be one. For the most part, I couldn't do "threatening" if you covered me with razor blades.

17. It may be because I'm relatively non-threatening that lots of women I know talk to me, a lot, about their sexual experiences. Which is flattering, and at least I get to live vicariously.

18. Several years into the most serious relationship I'd ever had, one night I said: you know, I'd kind of like to try being really aggressive and forceful and dominant during sex. Okay, she said, and we discussed it and then we did it. Huh, I said afterwards, that was pretty interesting, maybe we could explore that some more. Actually, she said, it didn't do anything for me, and by the way I've been meaning to tell you I think we should break up. And that was the end of that for me.

19. On the other end of things: I am genuinely not submissive. I'm just a milquetoast. There's a difference. The few times anybody's tried to dominate me I've mostly just found it vaguely amusing but totally unsexy.

20. I am almost 40, and just in the last year or two, my libido has made a massive leap. I'm more acutely aware of women as sexual beings than I've ever been before. I feel like 17-year-old boys are reputed to feel. I catch myself staring a lot. It's frustrating and distracting.

21. So I keep telling myself: these impulses you're having? They're just desires. They're not needs. Nobody else is obligated to tolerate you acting on them. You won't die if you won't. You might live a good long life. Look her in the eyes, or look away.

22. I'm terrible at reading people's signals. Just astonishingly bad. There have been times when people I had severe crushes on have traveled across the country to try to jump my bones, and I've thought they were just being friendly; there have been times when I've thought friends were all but begging me to kiss them, and when I've tried they've stopped talking to me.

23. ...But it's also true that at least a couple of times I've realized that someone wanted me, but I kept playing dumb about it until I forced her to say it outright, at which point I turned her down. Not even because I wasn't interested in her--just to claim that power for myself. It took a while before I realized what an awful thing that was to do, and I regret it now.

24. I try so hard not to be creepy that I end up being creepy anyway. I have occasional suspicions that I am just a beard, a Leica and a baseball cap away from being That Guy.

25. Many of my friends have had sexual awakenings of one kind or another in the past decade or so--the sort of experiences that realign them altogether, realizations that make them somehow more fully actualized as people. I am still asleep, I suspect, and I often wonder how or if I'm ever going to wake up.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

1. The earliest masturbation fantasy I remember is pretending to be a mermaid while in the bathtub, then imagining that I had just been turned into a human, at which point I would get out of the tub and hump the edge of the sink while looking into my own eyes in the mirror. To this day, a strong, steady, determined gaze can turn me on faster than any form of physical foreplay. Correspondingly, being in the middle of physical pleasure and looking up to see my partner's eyes shut tight can immediately turn me off and destroy any impending orgasm.

2. I frequently worry that I was somehow sexually abused as a child, but have blocked the memory of it. I can think of a person or two who might have done something, but I don't know when they would have done it. But when I hear conversations about repressed memories, or certain sexual/emotional behaviors that arise from childhood sexual abuse, I get this knot in my stomach like I'm being spoken directly to about myself. I'm afraid to explore this possibility, because what if I'm just imagining things?

3. I am a squirter and it doesn't embarrass me. It did at first, but now it is merely annoying - every time I get off, I need to wash my sheets. Over the course of my sexual lifetime, I have had to throw away at least three mattresses.

4. My last boyfriend had a whole litany of sleep problems: night terrors, sleepwalking, etc. He would instigate rough sex with me while unconscious of his actions, and he wouldn't respond to my attempts to get him to stop. I used to jokingly call him a "sleep rapist," and wouldn't let myself be mad or hurt, because he was "just asleep" at the time of the incidents. After we broke up, he sent me links to stories about men who had been acquitted of rape because they were technically asleep at the time, and the stories made me sick. If my current boyfriend tries to instigate sex while we've already been in bed for awhile, I tense up, flashback to fighting with my unresponsive overpowering ex, and cry. I wish I had never let my ex, or myself, think that the repeated "sleep rape" was a joke.

5. A Tex Avery cartoon where the wolf character kidnaps a woman was the first thing that turned me on as a child, and even now I think one of the hottest things ever is a woman who is tied up and struggling. This theme is all over children's cartoons - I saw similar things in Dudley DoLittle and Rescue Rangers.

6. Some of the best sex I've ever had was with someone I was in love with but knew I wasn't meant for. The freedom of loving him without having to feel committed was what allowed me to relax and orgasm easily from sex that lacked my favorite things (like eye contact and extensive kissing).

7. I once went on a day trip with my boyfriend, and during the train ride back he used his hand to get me off on the train. The slow silence we shared between getting off the train, catching a cab, arriving back at his apartment (all while I was soaking wet and we just kept looking at each other), and finally fucking were some of the most beautiful moments of my life.

8. When I was twenty years old, my college boyfriend was going down on me and I had a stroke right when I was about to orgasm. The rest of the year I was in and out of the hospital. I'm pretty healthy now, but five years after the fact I'm still afraid to allow myself to climax from receiving oral.

9. My boyfriend once fell asleep on my chest while we were watching tv, and as he drifted off he began subconsciously sucking at my nipple. It felt good so I didn't stop him. We talked about it in the morning and now he regularly suckles me. It produces this feeling that is the joy of an orgasm, but instead of building up to a big rush, it is more like a slow steady stream of joy. It feels like taking a mild mood-enhancing drug. It has only led to sex once or twice, and each time it has been some of the most intense lovemaking I've ever experienced.

10. I used to have fantasies about having a threesome with two guys who were best friends. This fantasy has morphed into a fantasy of being married to two men who are best friends and sleeping with both of them, but not at the same time. I feel like taking care of two men as both a wife and a lover would help me finally prove my womanhood to myself.

11. My ex-boyfriend had a cuckold fetish, and would be most attracted to me if I had just slept with another man, or if I were in the midst of telling him about a time another man pleased me. I wanted to be open-minded about this, and I sometimes enjoyed indulging his fantasy, but in the end it all made me feel worthless and dehumanized, as my behavior became compulsive in an attempt to garner attention from my ex. I never felt like an actualized sexual being. I remain emotionally closer to some of the men I slept with to indulge his fantasy than I do to him.

12. Bringing my boyfriend to orgasm by giving him head is frequently more enjoyable than having an orgasm myself. I love the sounds he makes and the way he moves and how he'll touch my head and shoulders during - it never fails to turn me on.

13. I think the idea of being a wife is sexy. I like when sex starts with his arms wrapping around me while I'm washing dishes, or being pushed onto a pile of fresh laundry. For some reason, the overlap of sex and domestic duties is incredibly hot, maybe because feeling an apron tied tightly around my waist reminds me of the tied up women I saw in cartoons (#5).

14. In elementary school, I stole a Squiggle Pen from one of my friends' houses and used it as a vibrator until I was old enough to drive and go visit a sex shop to buy an actual vibrator. I still miss that pen.

15. Sophomore year in college I had to stop taking the birth control pill for medical reasons. I tried the diaphragm, condoms, even the stupid withdrawal method, but nothing made me feel safe and spontaneous. For four solid years, I poured money into pregnancy tests and Plan B, all of which were unnecessary and a result of me acting out of paranoia. A fantastic gynecologist finally got me to try an IUD, and against the odds it works great for me! I feel like I have rediscovered sex, and I also constantly feel like I need to have EVEN MORE of it to make up for lost time.

16. Freud pretty much called kissing the most popular sexual fetish. I think fetish is an appropriate word for how I feel about kissing - if there is not a sufficient amount of making out before initiating penetration, I will not be turned on and will not have an orgasm. Period. I do not mind kissing someone with morning breath, or booze breath, or coffee breath, so long as my breath matches theirs.

17. After exploring polyamory, I made a conscious and informed decision to become monogamous. When I hear people complain about the monotony of sex in their relationship, or how the scariest thing about marriage is that you'll only get to sleep with ONE person for the rest of your life, I feel sorry for them. Making the choice to be monogamous for myself, and not because it's society's default, has made it possible for me to embrace my sexuality in an extremely fulfilling way, even at the times when the sex itself is lacking or monotonous. I wish everyone would experiment with non-monogamy, and to do it as soul-searching, not just blind promiscuity.

18. I have performed exactly one striptease in my life. It was spontaneous, serious, playful, set to Tom Petty's "Honey Bee." I felt so beautiful and desired, and the circumstances were so perfect, that I decided right then and there I would never perform a striptease ever again.

19. I love to be worshipped but don't know how to ask for it. I like having my neck kissed extensively, I like having my shoes taken off for me, I like having someone kneel to go down on me. It makes me feel like a sexual goddess. I wish I could learn how to be commanding so I could experience this more often.

20. The first time I had anal sex it was unexpected and extremely good. The following times have been less good.

21. For a long time, I was so unhappy and disconnected from my body that I didn't associate sex and emotion at all - it was like I'd leave my body during the act and wouldn't have a good time or a bad time. I loved to talk about all my experiences, though. I'd talk to near strangers about intimate things that I'd done with my body. Now that I've finally fallen safely in love, every sexual act has an emotional component, and I almost never talk about my experiences.

22. I was once sleeping with a guy who was sleeping with his ex-girlfriend at the same time. I was friends with his ex and we both knew what was going on. We didn't tell him we knew, and would get together to have drinks and laugh about all the hoops he was jumping through to make sure we didn't find out about each other. It wasn't mean-spirited, but it helped me learn about my interpersonal priorities regarding sex.

23. As I've gotten older, the idea of fucking in order to conceive a child with someone I love has gone from being laughable and scary to being absolutely and unbelievably sexy.

24. I have had three sexual encounters in my life that could count as threesomes. In each scenario (two mmf, one mff), one of the men involved was secretly in love with me before the event occurred, and tried to win me over afterward. Although I would still enjoy a threesome, I'm now afraid I can't trust anyone to be upfront about their emotions. I don't tell people about this because I don't want to sound like I'm bragging.

25. My sex drive is very high, so I am rarely satisfied, and it can cause me to become unbearably miserable, which makes me act like a horrible girlfriend, friend, employee, daughter, human being. More often than not, I wish I could just cut my sexuality out of myself.
1. I once had a girl break up with me because she wanted to fuck on acid and I didn’t.

2. I’m really embarrassed when I look back and realize how many girls I basically coerced into having sex. (In at least one case, it may have been more.)

3. I’m also really embarrassed at the number of women I am friends with that I’ve made passes at. Or friends of friends. A lot of times I wasn’t even consciously doing it (see also 2), which makes it worse.

4. I’ve never made a pass at a girlfriend’s close friends. Or asked a woman out at her place of work. I’m glad I had some boundaries even as a young, walking hard-on.

5. I’ve never kissed a man, or made out with one, even drunk. (Nothing sexual either.) The only time I ever kissed a man on the mouth was lips only. It was in jest. It didn’t turn me on at all—though there are men I’ve absolutely lusted after, generally slim and tallish and strikingly beautiful. But that’s maybe three men total.

6. I’m a top. I’ve been one more or less my entire sexual life but it wasn’t until a decade ago that the woman I was fucking essentially put it to me in so many words. There are times when it kind of depresses me; I feel like I have to play a role that I don’t always feel like playing. And because I’m bald, overweight, and don’t smile much, I worry that I am a kind of walking stereotype, in a way that’s uncomfortable, especially since I have a bad mean streak. But I enjoy being a top. And no, I’ve never done heavy-duty BDSM. I probably never will; I’m not really a sadist.

7. That said, being a top has made me lazy; I fuck better than ever, but am so used to being on my back while being sucked and tongued by willing, needy women that I exhaust easily. The women haven’t seemed to care, but I worry.

8. I’ve felt threatened by the past experiences of women I’ve slept with. It’s probably common but it always bothers me because I like to think I’m above it. It’s come up again recently with my girlfriend and I’ve definitely had a couple of moments.

9. Whenever I answer a floating questionnaire meme and it asks, “What is your best-looking body part?” I never give my real answer, which is: my cock. I have a nice face, my upper body is no prize (though apparently some women like bellies like mine), but I do have nice legs, and none of it ever looks as good to me as my erect cock. I’m sure most men feel this way, too, but none of us are quite stupid enough to admit it in public.

10. Most of the women I’ve been with over the past ten years have been late bloomers that didn’t lose their virginity until their early or mid-20s. Apparently I am a walking daddy issue.

11. I’ve practiced monogamy and will practice it in the future, but I have never believed in it. But feelings get in the way even when it isn’t an argument, and given the choice between being non-monogamous and not having sex, and monogamous and having it, it’s no choice at all.

12. I used to talk about my sex life with anyone and everyone who’d listen, but not after the first woman I ever dated who was really and truly a shut-in. I’ve become one in the time since, and I wonder if I didn’t pick it up from her.

13. Oh, whom am I kidding? The reason I became a shut-in is that I got fat and felt horribly unattractive. Another reason has nothing to do with my own sexuality, though sexuality was, indirectly, one of the causes of it.

14. For about two years I decided I was tired of coming off like a gloomy Gus without even meaning to. So I forced myself to smile, look people in the eye, and be nice—none of them things that come naturally to me at all—and got a job dealing with the public. It worked: I was happier than I’d ever been, and got laid pretty much constantly. Sometimes I think I should try to do that again, but it’s hard to imagine now that I’m a 12 years older and more set in my ways. And the fact is that when I made myself smile for two years it was because I was desperate to get laid, and now, even at my loneliest, I’m not.

15. I’m still really lonely a lot of the time—girlfriend is in another town a few hours away (job related). I have a standing offer I am probably going to say yes to soon. I don’t mind it but the gf would, not that I plan to tell her.

16. I’ve cheated twice. The first time was awful—partly because I didn’t know how to handle it with my then-gf, partly because the woman I cheated with was a self-centered airhead. (She was also terrible in bed.) The second time was with someone I’d slept with before whom I bumped into shopping. We did it in secret for a couple months and I wish it had lasted longer.

17. I like things in my ass: tongues, fingers, vibrators. I knew this from about nine, when I would penetrate myself with sweeper handles and, later, my mom’s dildo. I hadn’t thought of any of that in a while until I was 19. The girl was named for a fabric and had a Tintin hairdo; she was also the girl in 1, and the third I ever had sex with. I was on top of her and she slowly reached down and pushed her middle finger into my ass. I did the same thing to her, and then we kissed. I’ve never felt more completely whole, sexually.

18. I have had sex with 25 women.

19. One of them, when I was 22, was with a severely fucked up girl—at 19 she’d been molested, raped, married and divorced (and engaged beyond that), had two abortions, and she was generally attracted to scummy older dudes. She was one of the most alarmingly thorough and skilled fucks I’ve ever had. The second time, in my rented room, she took her clothes off and matter-of-factly said, “Vaginal or anal?” Luckily I had lube. Watching my come pour from her ass over her pussy and thighs is still the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.

20. I’ve never gotten a blowjob from a woman without having sex with her, but I’ve eaten a lot of pussies I never got to fuck. I prefer it that way.

21. The first older woman I ever slept with, by five years, sent me a very dirty fantasy letter after our brief fling; another woman, also five years older, gave me her underwear after a particularly creative night on the phone. No other gifts, but those two have sustained me for a long time.

22. I started wearing glasses again in my mid-20s because I was trying to fuck a girl who liked guys that wore them.

23. I have no greater desire than to be considered a complete slut.

24. I wish more total sluts would out themselves to me so we could degrade each other at last.

25. I use my mouth, hands, and cock all equally well, and I’m proud of that.
1. I'm a stripper and I've dated/had sex with exactly one man that I met at work. It was when I first started and he was very cute and nice, but terrible in bed. After our first time, I stopped seeing him.

2. My first clue that I was interested in women was when I was 12. I had a sex dream about my sister. I was pretty horrified and upset, but also suddenly realized that I was seeing women in a sexual way. This was quite separate from my sister, but it's always bugged me that she was in the dream that brought me to that realization.

3. I "came out of the closet" at the exact moment that I realized the label bisexual could apply to me. I was on the bus on the way home from school and discussing what bisexuality meant with some acquaintances. I said "I know I'm attracted to guys, but I'm pretty sure I'm also into girls. So yeah, I guess I'm bisexual." Thank you, California upbringing.

4. I once gave a boyfriend a blow job in front of a pack (flock? gaggle?) of wild turkeys. Really.

5. I almost never masturbate with my fingers. I went from rubbing myself against a stuffed animal for years to using a vibrator. Fingers are generally too rough for my very sensitive clit. I can make it work, but it takes a LOT of effort and lube.

6. The first person I fell in love with was an emotionally abusive asshole. The only good things he did for me were teach me how to drink and give me lots of good sex. He also made me feel bad, though, about sex, as part of the whole abuse thing. I'm proud of myself for getting out of it before he became physically abusive, as he did with his next girlfriend.

7. I took naked pictures of myself when I was a teen and sent them to at least one person I was having random cyber sex with. My mom found them on my computer and chose to believe me when I told her they were just for me. I deleted them. It makes me feel kind of awkward (and scared, given recent prosecutions) that they may still be out there.

8. I didn't have sex with a woman until I got to college. This made me feel a little like a fraud saying I was bisexual, but I knew it was true. I didn't tell my first few female sexual partners how inexperienced I was. I wish I had, so I could've spent that time learning from them.

9. When I was young I used to have fantasies about being tied up by a male figure and put in cold places or deprived of food and then fed grapes. They were vague fantasies and not exactly sexual as I'd mean the word now. They were arousing, though, in a not-quite-sexual-yet-but-almost way.

10. I keep a list of all the people I've had sexual encounters with. If I didn't, I'd have trouble naming them all, particularly in order. I like to look back at it and remember.

11. I used to read and write erotic short stories and romance and erotic novels. I got teased at school for reading "porn for women," which actually didn't bother me at all. I was kind of proud.

12. I've never watched that much porn although I find it very arousing. It's too much effort to find what I like to see, and I can get off just fine without it. Lately, I've been trying harder.

13. My first time having anal sex was when the afore-mentioned abusive boyfriend got me drunk on his birthday. I was open to the idea sober so I didn't mind. However, the only time we'd talked about it, I'd said I wasn't sure. I'm pretty certain that he was getting me drunk so I'd do it, which is really rapey. It's a weird situation because I was actually willing despite the alcohol, but he didn't know that.

14. I love group sex. I want to have much, much more of it. I've had a few really good threesomes, a foursome with all bi folks which was fantastic, and one of my favorite sex experiences was a lesbian orgy in San Francisco I was lucky enough to be invited to.

15. I have had sex in all kinds of ridiculous places. I've posted here before about how much I love public sex. It's definitely something I've done a lot and will continue to do.

16. I'm just starting to really experiment with BDSM. I've been interested in it for a long time, but the community's focus on pushing boundaries was really intimidating. I'm finally at a point where I'm comfortable negotiating exactly what I want so I can feel okay with someone topping me. Boundary pushing can come over time.

17. I really like being spanked. I'm not sure why this is as I was never spanked as a kid and it's arousing in absence of any role playing. I just like the way it feels; it turns me on.

18. I go through phases where I'm more attracted to one sex/gender than others, but normally I'm pretty pansexual. I don't identify as pansexual because most of the people I've met who do are kind of annoying. Growing up, being pansexual was the cool, non-conformist thing to do and I still associate it with that.

19. The more sex advice I give, the more I realize how little I actually know about sex and the more comfortable I get with that fact. There are always more questions and new things to learn!

20. I like sex outside of committed relationships, but not really "casual" sex. I want to have a connection with someone I'm sleeping with, even if it's just once for forty minutes. Otherwise it's not particularly satisfying to me, even if I have fifteen orgasms.

21. I almost always masturbate before I go to sleep. I often also masturbate at random moments during the day when I'm reading or bored or just horny. It's been a very long time since I've gone more than one day without masturbating.

22. I sometimes get aroused during lap dances. It has a lot to do with how respectful and responsive my customer is. If he or she is both, I'll get turned on.

23. The only things I can think of when my mom asks me "What do you want for your birthday?" are more sex toys. They're some of the only things I want that are too expensive to buy for myself. It doesn't seem appropriate, despite our good relationship, to ask Mom for them.

24. My best friend calls me "Little Nelly Bottom." I worry sometimes that by being more of a bottom I'm not contributing enough to sex. I know that bottoming for me is as much about giving and wanting to please, but I still wonder sometimes if I'm being lazy by wanting my partner(s) to take control.

25. I'm hugely orally fixated, in a not-just-a-joke kind of way. I love giving head and kissing and using my mouth as much as possible during sex. I have a candy problem. I chew on things. When under the influence, I absolutely must have stuff in my mouth. When I masturbate, I do things with my mouth like bite my pillow, suck on my fingers, or go down on a dildo.
1. When I was five or so, I was molested by my Dad's 20-30 something roommate every weekend I'd go to visit. Dad would leave to run errands, and I'd lay on the bed for "naptime" while his roommate would rub my clit and mildly finger me - sometimes it hurt, but mostly felt good. Nobody knows about this.

2. I broke my own hymen when I was in early elementary school, and I had squatted over the posts from my bed while experimenting. I started bleeding, freaked out, and begged my mom to see if I cut myself.

3. My first kiss was when I was in fourth grade playing truth or dare. It was a french kiss, and we basically made out in front of everyone. I've never had a problem with PDAs.

4. Getting good oral sex is difficult, and I've never orgasmed from that alone. I wish I could!

5. I'm in love with and sleeping with two guys, total opposites of each other. I'm mostly shocked because I tend to pick guys with medium builds, fuller lips, and medium to large dicks (just the way it's worked out) and this new guy has none of these qualities. He's very broad-shouldered, has slight lips, and one of the smallest cocks I've had the opportunity to use. And the typical one is my five-year s.o. It's a nice change of pace.

6. I've slept with something like 15-20 people. I don't much care to keep track anymore. I already know who gave me HPV.

7. Getting into bdsm was the best thing ever. It's been part of my sexual lifestyle for a long time. I love being submissive, but now my current boyfriend is a switch and so I have a hard time enjoying submitting for him because mentally I can't react as well knowing that. I would prefer an aggressive dom, and so I enjoy making him submit to me more.

8. I set sexual standards for myself at an early age, and almost all have been broken: don't sleep with anyone my friends have, keep track of who and how many, don't sleep with more than one person in a 24-hr period, save anal sex for marriage.

9. I guess I'm pretty slutty, but sometimes I love the power that comes with being a slut. One of my favorite memories is having a FMF threesome with my highschool buddy and her boyfriend, and then leaving immediately after to go see my fuck buddy/lover - none of which were my significant other. It made me feel so sexy and wanted and I had a lot of fun.

10. Although incredibly dangerous, I would love to be asphyxiated to the point of unconsciousness during sex. I love to be choked. I discovered this when I was young and my friends and I would play that game where you make each other pass out. I would always wake up extremely excited and horny as hell.

11. Once, I woke up to find that my boyfriend was in the process of fucking me, and it was a lovely, gradual way to wake up.

12. Although, once I woke up from a drunken stupor and found some guy we partied with that night in the midst of fucking me. Not cool. I know I went to sleep alone before that.

13. I dislike taking birth control, and if I had the choice, I wouldn't. The only reason I started was because I got pregnant senior year of high school and had an abortion because I wanted to go to college. I do not want to go through that ever again, and I've taken Plan B at least 3 times.

14. However, I can physically feel when a man is about to come inside me - especially if we are missionary - and that sensation pushes me right to the edge, so I have a tendency to keep going to see if I can get my own climax out of it before he does. Hasn't worked yet, unfortunately.

15. I've seen some hot porn, but it's a give or take for me. I don't actively seek it out, my boyfriend supplies us once in a while.

16. The first time I ever saw porn I was 16 and hanging out in my best friend's grandparents' basement. Her grandpa had a blank tape, with probably the hairiest porn stars ever. It was from the 70s. We laughed the whole time.

17. My boyfriend and I just got a latex hood, and a gas mask. He says they're both for me, but I'm probably going to be able to get him into the hood more often than me. I tried it on, and it was so embarrassing I only kept it on for two minutes, and had him wear it the rest of the night.

18. I don't masturbate that much. Honestly, probably once or twice a month. And it's not because I'm having lots of sex and getting off, because those actually aren't true either. I'd say I just don't think about it or need it, and rarely want it.

19. Virginity lost at 13, to my boyfriend who was 15. On the living room floor of my (empty) house. We tried upstairs on the hallway floor, but it was too painful...and even still made me cry when it happened. It was more of a "yay, finally" thing than a passionate thing.

20. I've shaved myself since I was probably 13 or 14. I prefer having little to no hair there, and I am happy when I see a guy will trim as well. It just looks more hygienic to me, and I can't stand getting hair in my mouth, so I try to return the favor. I even shaved my best friend because she was afraid to cut herself.

21. I've gone down on three girls, and sometimes I'll be in the process of going down on my boyfriend and fantasize about it being a pussy instead. Sometimes I think my tongue skills are meant to please a woman. I have an oral fixation, and love using my mouth on anyone and anything.

22. One of my funniest memories of sex: my friend and I picked up some random guys, one of which I thought was really attractive. We proceeded to get very drunk, and he knew I was interested, so I gave him some head. He started talking all kinds of smack about how great it would be if we did more, so we started to have sex. IT WAS SO BAD! He was obviously too drunk and just kind of laid there on top of me, barely even pushing. But there he goes again talking about how great it was. He asked me "isn't it the best you've ever had?" I said "Nope! Not even close!" and jumped off mid-coitus. Haha.

23. One traumatic memory: In high school, my boyfriend at the time (lost my virginity to this one) and I were walked in on by his little brother. We were teenagers, and his brother was pre-teen I guess. He walked in the room and goes, "WHAT are you DOING?!!" Ugh, I cried so hard, it was so embarrassing and I was deathly afraid he was going to tell our moms.

24. I love my pussy being stretched. I have inflatable toys that get absolutely huge, and the best feeling is having a completely full pussy while I play with my clit. Those are the best orgasms.

25. I've accomplished a lot sexually: do it outside, all kinds of kinky, fetish requests, cybersex, plenty of oral, anal, vaginal, multiple positions, multiple partners at a time, trained and educated a virgin, toys, public places...and at this point I don't know what else I can do that will get me really heartbeatingly excited. I'm 23 and somewhat bored with it.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

1. I lost my virginity to a guy I met off Craigslist at 21. I clearly stated that I was a virgin in my ad, unwilling to move back into my parent’s house from Orange County without fucking at least one person. I don’t remember his name, only that he had a beard and that I had sex with him twice, once with my roommates babysitting and coloring a picture of a meat market in the room adjacent. While we were watching Big Trouble in Little China and/or fucking. I think we visited a sex shop on our second ‘date’, between sex acts 1 & 2 before heading back to fuck again. Since then I’ve had sex with 6 more people in the span of 3 years.

2. I went to Catholic school as a child and remember getting spanked/paddled on a pretty continuous basis. I still thank Catholicism for turning me into a kinky bastard.

3. I masturbated at a super early age, rolling socks around tennis balls and shoving them inside pillows to rub myself against – before I found that a simple finger went a long way. I then moved on to internet porn (downstairs at my parents computer) and often stole my dad’s porn while he was at work.

4. I experimented with my best friend in elementary through junior high. We’d touch each other’s breasts and dry hump, role playing and often turning to the idea of rape scenes. I used to remember feeling excited when I’d spend the night, hoping that we’d get the chance to ‘play’.

5. I stole foreign cartoon porn mags from my library. Somehow they managed to slip through the cracks and there was plenty enough breasts and dick to get me off.

6. The first time I gave head I got drunk, threw up and then blew him. I swallowed and remember him handing me a cup after, not realizing that his cum was already gone. The very next week I threw a party at my friend’s house and he brought a girl with him. I caught him fooling around in my friend’s bathroom/bedroom and lost it. I think I scared half the room yelling at him through the door.

7. I am intimidating. I’ve had short hair for years (ever since cutting 12 inches off shortly after fucking no name all those years ago) and am constantly being mistaken for a lesbian. I’m not though. I don’t mind fooling around with women put prefer cock over breasts/vagina any day. I’ve tried going down on women but the concept freaks me out.

8. I’m kinky. My friend built me a bed with restraints, which I’ve yet to use. I own 6 vibrators, two but plugs, a blindfold, nipple clamps, a ball gag, wrist/ankle restraints and a leather collar. I’m looking to invest in more.

9. My last boyfriend introduced me to BDSM officially. I have experimented with : flogging, caning, paddling, whipping, spanking, bastinado, choking, biting, anal play, etc. Curious about many other aspects of BDSM but have yet to explore further. The whole mind interaction is what interests me mostly, how deep you can go and how fully you can give yourself to your partner for that moment – also, the interaction between yourself and the actual physical sensations. I’ve always been an avid fan of pain.

10. I used to masturbate on a daily basis. Now I’m lucky if I masturbate 2-3 times a week.

11. I’m very vocal about my sexuality. I think it’s important to be comfortable with yourself and because I am already bold, outspoken and blunt it just exaggerates this ten-fold.

12. I’ve only ever really dated 3-4 people in my life, the longest relationship of which was 5 months long. I’m picky and because I’m so aggressive, once I get sick of dealing with something that I think is bullshit I move on. I didn’t have sex with my ex and while we were pretty sexually active in the way of S&M I only managed to give him head twice and he got me off a total of 3 times. I once gave him head for an hour and the entire time he had problems staying hard.

13. I tend to recycle fuck buddies. A habit that gets tiring and old real quick.

14. I’ve lost over 60 pounds. I was super heavy all throughout my adolescence and it took me a long time to get over that hump until I realized that even though I was still curvy, my new body was something beautiful and completely sexy.

15. I’m a sensualist. I love touching people and when I’m in a relationship with someone I tend to run my hands all over them whenever possible. Dick, balls, ass, beard, chest, etc. I am an ass woman though, regardless of the size.

16. I’m overtly sexual. I think I breathe, think, eat, melt, bleed sex. I am guilty of starting at men and wondering what they would be like in bed. What they’re beards would feel like on my pussy and how big their cock is.

17. I like it super rough in bed. The more bruises left the better. And as much as I hate marks left on my neck the feeling of teeth against my skin is the surest way to have me wet, wet, wet. I once left covered with bruises, from thigh all the way up.

18. I like to be pushed around. Manhandled. I push in life but am turned off by somehow who is gentle and careful in the bedroom. I want to be thrown around like a doll and forced into place. Being restrained is beyond aggravating but sexually appealing to me – the idea of being controlled, contained is attractive.

19. I’ve had dreams of threesomes. Men, women, men and women. The idea of double or even triple penetration is a complete turn on.

20. I’m in love with the idea of the emotionally unavailable man. Even as much as I hate to admit it. Every guy I am attracted to is in someway shut off, not only from me and the rest of the world but also to himself. It’s a cycle I need to escape from.

21. I’ve masturbated to Tom Waits. His voice makes me beyond wet.

22. I have never, ever dated or been with someone beard-less. I have a beard fetish. Also, the scent of a dirty man or sweat on their skin makes my heart skip a beat.

23. I have no time for relationships but yearn for sex. I don’t even so much want the attention but the actual physical interaction. Cock to vagina. I crave sexual penetration in every way imaginable. I yearn for casual sex but have yet to find the perfect partner that doesn’t come with manageable baggage.

24. I’ve considered turning to vagina many times. But love the taste of cock in my mouth. I have a complete oral fixation and love giving head. I don’t think I could ever deal with vaginas when balls are so much fun to play with. I love watching the look on a guy’s face when I suck the tip and swirl it with my tongue.

25. I haven’t had sex in 2 months and my vagina is hungry.
1: I have been told that I am the master at giving head. It was by the only uncircumcised guy I've slept with.

2: I lost my virginity 18 months ago and feel like I've slept with too many people already. I've even had a threesome already with a couple. I don't think it makes me a slut, I think I'm just very open when it comes to sex and sexuality. I always make sure to keep it safe.

3: When I make eye contact with a very attractive stranger, man or woman, I immediately look away and am usually too afraid to look back because I don't think they'll find me attractive. I wish I had the cojones to stare them down and lick my lips a little or something, just to see what they would do.

4: I actually enjoy giving head and I'm not sure if having my tonsils removed has anything to do with that, but I like to think it does.

5: Once, I almost came just by having my breasts massaged and played with. Later, the guy asked if I had been faking my enthusiasm. Of course I said no and I'm still not sure why he asked, but I didn't even like him very much and only saw him one other time afterward, when he ignored me to read and post on some car blog. He wasn't very attractive and skinner than I am, but thought he was God's gift since he was pre-med.

6: I will not be happy until I have figured out the perfect music playlist for sex. I'm thinking that I'd like one for softer, love-filled sex and raunchy, dirty sex, but I think I need more experience before I figure them out. I also think they'll change with the men I sleep with. I'll figure it out eventually.

7: The meaner and less intelligent you are, the less I find you attractive. The smarter and sweeter you are, the more I find you attractive. Also, being funny and playing an instrument help a lot.

8: I'm very attracted to my boss, but he is engaged. I don't think his fiance likes me much, but she's pretty good at pretending.

9: I always seem to attract guys more on the skinny side, which surprises me because I'm pretty voluptuous. It doesn't really bother me, but it does make me want to try sleeping with a bigger, more muscular guy at some point. I'm in no rush, but I'd like to try it out.

10: I'm afraid that I need porn to cum while masturbating. It's pretty upsetting because it makes me feel like I'm losing my ability to use my imagination, but I don't feel like trying to get off without porn by myself.

11: The only guy I slept with and actually liked only slept with me once. The next night, at 3am, he asked me to go over. I said I didn't want to walk in the city alone at 3am, he said it was understandable, and never talked to me again. He was the first one to talk dirty to me and put his hand on my throat while fucking me. I still enjoy both things, especially dirty talk.

12: It doesn't take much for me to get incredibly wet, and most guys I've been with have noticed and pointed that out to me. They never said if they liked it or anything, just pointed it out in case I didn't realize, I guess.

13: Gangbang and some rape scenarios really turn me on. More gangbang than rape, but I'm embarrassed and ashamed about both and haven't told anyone about them.

14: Nothing (that I've experienced) turns me off faster than being called names, including bitch, slut and whore. I know they're supposed to be playful dirty talk, but I can't get that through my head.

15: My number one fantasy is getting fucked by two guys at once, but at the moment, I'm way too afraid to try it. I'm sure I'll figure out a way to try it as soon as I think I'm ready.

16: I used to masturbate with the handle of a hairbrush. I once tried to use the handle in the shower that controlled the water, but it didn't work out well. I now have a vibrator and a dildo, but don't use the vibrator much. I'm also afraid to use the dildo too much because I don't want it to stretch me out.

17: I have never spit - I always swallow. It doesn't taste that bad to me and don't really see what the big deal is, although I hate brushing my teeth and using mouthwash and STILL being able to taste it. It grosses me out, especially when I'm talking to my parents and still being able to taste it.

18: I've never been very confident of my body. Even when I was younger and fit, I'd wear a one-piece bathing suit because I was on the swim team and that's just what I was comfortable in. I moved to another state and gained a lot of weight and became even less body-confident, but as soon as I realized that some guys actually do find my body really attractive and lost my virginity, I gained an incredible amount of confidence. I'm still not happy with my body, but I still wear a bikini to the beach because I don't want to be ashamed of it. I know there are guys out there who will love it.

19: Twice, I have given head to a guy (two different guys), let him cum in my mouth, and then tried to have sex because he said it wouldn't be a problem. Both guys had problems keeping it up after the head. It was very disappointing, but lesson learned, I suppose.

20: The most play I'll give a guy's ass is a spank or a squeeze. I could never play with a guy's asshole in any way, but I love a finger in my ass while getting fucked from behind and am eager to try anal with the right guy.

21: I lost my virginity in the backseat of a car while incredibly drunk to a guy that I never cared about and am now repulsed by. It makes me feel bad that my first time wasn't special or anything since my first kiss wasn't either (unfortunately, I don't even remember when it was or who it was with), so I'm hoping my first time trying anal is a little more memorable.

22: When we were 13 or 14, two friends and I went to this guy's house to meet him and two of his friends. My friends and his friends went into a room where my friends gave his friends oral (apparently started with one partner, then switched halfway through). I feel like I'm not as disturbed by that as I should be.

23: A female friend and I used to pretend that we were boyfriend and girlfriend when we were about 5 years old. We would lightly kiss with open mouths and no tongue. I recently discovered that she is a lesbian.

24: I've never been able to climax without playing with my clit, and don't think I'll ever be able to. Most of the time, I only play with my clit to masturbate. I've heard this is pretty normal, but I wish it were easier for me to cum. I always have a hard time being able to relax enough to cum when I'm with someone.

25: For as long as I can remember, my barbies would always go on dates and have sex at the end of them, but only in the missionary position or standing up. Ballerina Barbie was best to play with because her knees, elbows, and wrists bent easily.
1. I didn't have my first kiss until just after I graduated from high school. It was with a guy I thought was kind of creepy and it made me nervous, but I was curious so I let him do it. It really hurt his feelings.
2. All of my first sexual fantasies involved men in some kind of period dress who had kidnapped me and slowly taught me things.
3. Even though I didn't understand the mechanics of sex at an early age, I always knew exactly what it felt like and I made one corner of my room the place where I played an imaginary game that involved me being a woman who men come to and pay for pleasure. I had no idea what prostitutes were at the time. I also gave these pretend men advice.
4. I lost my virginity to my first college boyfriend and he gave me HPV. I didn't understand much about it and I kept it a secret for almost 2 years and resigned myself to never having sex again. Now I have a newfound respect and love for my body.
5. I didn't masturbate until I was a freshman in high school and I felt extremely guilty. I kept doing it though, and every time I still felt guilty. Now every once in awhile I will feel a bit guilty or strange after and then that makes me mad.
6. When Pirates of the Caribbean came out I became a big fan of slash and gay erotica. I really like thinking about the men together, especially if they come from a different time.
7. Around the same time I used to spend a lot of time playing pirate slashy RPG online with one of my best girlfriends. We didn't ever acknowledge that this might be weird.
8. I had a big crush on my closest girl friend in middle school, and then again on my closest friend in high school. I don't generally get crushes on girls anymore, or feel that curious to try sex with them, but I do find girls attractive.
9. I spend more time checking out girls than guys even though I don't want to be sexual with them.
10. I am starting to find guys my own age unattractive, and only older men seem to really catch my eye. Like, late thirties through fifties. I'm 23 now.
11. When I was in 2nd grade I used to watch the scrambled porn on channels 69 and 99.
12. Kissing is something that can quite often be more enjoyable for me than having sex.
13. I really like giving and receiving oral, but I have a strange fear about swallowing. I had a dream once that somebody came in my mouth and I woke up gagging. That feeling stayed, so I always make a big point about having them tell me when they are close.
14. I have only come one time from having intercourse and it was because I was in control that whole time. I prefer to be submissive, though and usually just fake orgasms. I hate that I feel like I have to fake them, but I do feel like I should.
15. I don't mind when I don't climax unless I don't climax from getting oral. I want to come every time somebody goes down there.
16. I have a secret desire to be a nudist.
11. I have a desire to play strip poker. I need to learn how to play poker first.
12. I have a desire to go skinny dipping somewhere in nature with other people. But not to have sex, just because I want people to feel good about being completely in their own skin as animals on the earth. (and me too)
13. I surprise myself sometimes with how conservative I am in my sexual desires. I'm not scared or judgmental about other things, but they just don't appeal to me.
14. I don't want to try anal ever. It seems too painful.
15. If I feel any kind of pain during sex I immediately shut down. I am masochistic in non sexual ways though, which is bizarre.
16. I really like being tossed and moved around the bed in a non-violent way.
17. I would like to try being blindfolded sometime.
18. I get the most turned on ever when I go to the beach. Something about feeling the sand, salt, air, and sun makes me feel really alive and I just want to have lots of sex when I come back from swimming.
19. When I am sexually active I feel like I am the most attractive and sexy woman alive. I have A LOT of confidence and feel like I am ensnaring my partner with a spell or something. When I am not sexually active I feel really self conscious about being too skinny.
20. The thought of casual sex makes me cringe. I don't really think its a great idea. Plus I have to really actually like the person I'm with on a deeper level. I can't seperate sex and affection.
21. When I first started masturbating I thought my dead relatives would know and be disappointed in me.
22. I really want to have sex outside, but haven't yet.
23. Sometimes I masturbate everyday and sometimes I will go a month without anything.
24. I stop masturbating nearly completely when I have a partner.
25. I sometimes worry that I don't have a strong enough drive. I am completely done after one orgasm. I don't ever want to have more than one at a time.
1. When I was twelve I was molested by one of my only friends, because I insisted that he was gay and he wanted to prove he wasn't. Four years later I talked to him for the first time since, when I ran into him at a school audition. As it turns out, he is.

2. I lost my virginity on Easter Sunday to the ugliest boy I've ever dated. We were upstairs in his wonderful house. I loved him like crazy, and it didn't hurt at all, and we never did it again.

3. After we finished screwin' for the first time, the condom fell off inside me. I wasn't on birth control. Luckily, I got my period.

4. For some reason, I can't give head to uncircumcised men. I've tried, by god, but it just doesn't work.

5. Circumcised men, though, I am apparently pretty damn good at fellating.

6. My last relationship lasted over a year, and the whole time, the sex was incredibly unfulfilling. Unfulfilling sex is chore-like and makes both parties feel terrible about themselves. Before that, sexual compatibility wasn't as important to me as emotional compatibility. Now they're equal.

7. The first man I ever gave head to had cum that tasted like minestrone soup. Eww!

8. Men who are epically smarter than me in ways that I value turn me on more than anything else in the entire world. They make me weak at the knees, they make me swoon. Mmm.

9. I am a submissive in bed when I am with men, but when it comes to women (a seldom occurrence) I feel that they would have to be extremely dominant and respect-worthy for me to submit to them. Otherwise, I would be the dominant one. It's the only reason I want to buy a strap-on.

10. If the man I'm dating has had previous gay experiences, I am almost always automatically turned off. In most cases I feel like it seeps away manliness. Perhaps it's just because every bisexual man I've dated has been a right pansy.

11. I always feel uninteresting because I have essentially no fetishes. Everyone I know is into more interesting things, but I just like a good fucking with an assertive guy.

12. If I'm honest, the only reason I've ever wanted to be tied up is because it would take away responsibility and obligation from me and make me the focus of the situation.

13. Every time I read pages about sex, they mention a study that says that something like eighty percent of women can't get an orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone. I can't decide if that's bullshit, or I'm just one of the lucky, lucky few.

14. On that note, I'm not sure if I've ever had a proper orgasm. I'm always told that they're mindblowing, but what I assume is cumming for me isn't mind blowing, although it is good. I keep wondering if I've just had so many orgasms that they've lost their kick.

15. I've been masturbating since I was about five years old. I didn't associate it with sex because I didn't know what sex was. It just felt very nice.

16. I don't masturbate by putting my fingers inside of myself or just rubbing my clit. Well, no, I kind of do. I lie on my stomach and ride the sharp edge of my hand. Do other people do it that way?

17. When I was staying with a friend in Boston and sharing a couch to sleep on with him, I woke up and found him humping my leg. We had been fooling around a bit, but that's called "frotteurism," and is disgustingly creepy. I went and stayed in a hotel by myself after that.

18. The most sex I've ever had in a short timespan was nine times over the course of about four hours. It was with my third sex partner, and my repeat boyfriend, whom I still love and adore to this day. He moved away the next summer and I've barely talked to him since.

19. I've been solicited for sex multiple times by different men. One offered me eighty dollars to let him clean my apartment in a pair of my undies. It sounded reasonable until he mentioned that he wanted to look at me and masturbate on my floor.

20. Another offered me one hundred dollars if I would let him lick my sweaty feet, and maybe tickle me some. This also sounded reasonable until I realized he may well have been a serial killer.

21. I think I look much hotter when I wear boots or heels and a corset and stockings and a garter belt, and would like to have sex while wear those objects, but for some reason none of the guys I dated are into this. Bugger!

22. I am both ashamed and proud of the amount of people I've slept with. When I first lost my virginity, I swore I would only have sex with up to five men in my life. At this point, I've had sex with about three times that.

23. I recently remembered convincing my good (and supposedly bisexual) lady-friend to give me head on a beach at night while my ex-boyfriend watched. I think I was sixteen. What an odd thing to forget.

24. I have had one proper threesome in my life, with my ex and my best friend at the time. She laid down, I gave her head while getting screwed from behind. The next day she told everyone that I'd eaten her out as if I had somehow lost a game and she had won. Personally, I always felt that I just did the polite thing.

25. I cheated on one of my recent ex's multiple times with an old fling. I couldn't help it: the other-man was a bit funny looking and had the smallest penis of any man I've ever been with, but my attraction to him is palpable even when I'm thousands of miles away from him. Once, when we were trying to avoid doing anything that could be construed as cheating, he nearly made me cum by touching my lips and my face for half an hour.
1. I skip my college math course to go sit in the GSA meetings (gay straight alliance). My babysitter doesn't know I'm there. The other students don't know I'm a mother. I'm almost afraid to say so- as if that would give me less of a right to be there, like I'm an impostor around anyone my own age. I feel too old to be 23, too young to be the mother I am.

2. I own five sex toys. Every time my SO comes over I end up making a mad dash to hide them before he comes in. I tend to forget to put them away when I'm done. <_<

3. I talk to other guys online (all out of state or country). I pretty much always let them know I'm taken and remind them of it but there's some small part of me that still wants their attention and flirtation. I'm lonely a lot.

4. I have never had cyber-sex. I'm open to the idea, having read romance novels and fanfics from middle school on. The problem is that I'm overly critical. I mean, what're the proper words to use: phallus? dick? cock? penis? vagina? hole? cunt? boobs? breasts? tits? I worry that my writing will be more of a turn-off than a turn-on when I'm done.

5. I lost my virginity at the age of 15. I had watched the movie American Pie the year or so before and wondered if sex was actually as good as they made it out to be. I went ahead and asked my mother. She answered honestly saying, "Sometimes it is but not always," followed by, "This is because of that movie, isn't it?" When I lost my virginity it wasn't fun. The second time I wanted it to stop. I just never spoke up loud enough for it to really be "rape". Either way, there was no third time with that BF.

6. The only person I have ever thought of as my soul mate is never going to be a part of my life again, my own fault. At the time it was ironic, considering that he thought of himself as a woman. Had I known that, I never would have dated him, fallen in love with him, or hurt him.

7. I am constantly at odds with my own religious beliefs. On Saturday nights my SO and I have wild, animalistic sex. On Sundays I wake up early to go teach Sunday School.

8. I love my SO but don't trust him to know these sort of things about me. He was a virgin when we started dating. I wish he still was.

9. Sometimes I fake orgasm to make it easier- because I know we'll have a fight if I don't. He'll feel like a failure and I'll feel like the one who failed, who's making him feel like crap. No amount of logic or reasoning has ever changed his thoughts on the matter. It sucks, smiling when he talks about how good it was and asking if it was good for me too, if I got off. He always jokes that I'm not a very good actress, funny, right?

I know, it isn't.

10. I try not to count how many people I've had sexual relations with. It's not that the number is all that high- it's just that I don't like knowing I let those people have what they wanted so easily. I haven't had many relationships last beyond 6 months. The average used to be 1-3. THAT is the part that makes me cringe.

11. I've had two threesomes. Nobody close to me knows that. One had two males, one had two females. Both were surprisingly unsatisfying- the kind of experience that leaves a bad proverbial taste in your mouth.

12. I'm turned on by the thought of being taken against my will but not just that- my ultimate fantasy has always been being forced to enjoy it. The thought of sex without mutual satisfaction is still a turn-off.

13. I have only ever had anal sex once. It hurt. I was glad when it was over. I count it as one of my bigger mistakes- not the sex, but giving it to someone who didn't know what to do with it. He never deserved me. I only served my purpose.

14. I let that same guy pee on my feet in the shower. He -really- wanted it. I still don't know why the thought excited him so much. In retrospect I suppose it's kind of odd but it doesn't really bother me. I agreed, he did it, and then I took a shower immediately afterward. There wasn't even anything sexual about it.

15. I have only ever had one amazing lover. I never loved him though.

16. I have never been caned or whipped but I have wished for it.

17. The thought of sex parties turns me on. I've never been to one or known anyone who has. I think it's just the thought- being lead around, owned before other people, not gifted to someone so much as them being gifted to me- a gift from my own fantasies. That being said I would never be comfortable having an ongoing swinging lifestyle. I think it's the BDSM streak in me talking more than anything else.

18. For that matter being onstage before a crowd is another reoccurring desire of mine. Have I mentioned yet? I'm a bit of an attention whore- at least to the extent that I like it. I draw the line at demanding it. I can't stand it when people -insist- on being the center of attention. It's only right that I hold myself to those same beliefs/standards.

19. I like both men and women sexually but have never had much of a relationship with any women. My mother and grandmother know. My father happens to be homophobic. I doubt I'll ever tell him.

20. I have given oral in a cemetery (when I was 15, I wouldn't now), outside in the snow, in the rain, in the shower (obviously), in a moving vehicle a few times, in a movie theater, and in a side room with no doors next to a room with people. The only place left that I'd like to try for some sex in "public" would be a dressing room.

21. I enjoy tentacle monsters in hentai. I know it's pervy. I know I would never want to meet one in real life. I still like watching it.

22. When I was still in school I tried both a carrot and a cucumber in my "experimentation." Let's just say it was uncomfy and let's leave it there.

23. I hate it when guys go down on me. I always have. I think it's because of all of those horror stories and comedy movies. What if it smells bad? What if it isn't trimmed enough? What if the taste isn't that great? Is he wishing he could stop right now?

I always feel more of an expectation to perform there than anywhere else. Are my moans loud enough? Should I grab his hair? Should I grab the blankets? Should I move? Should I not move? I hate hate hate it! (And they never seem to be able to understand or accept that.)

24. I've tried being dominant before. The end results have always been the same. Apparently I suck at it, at least where the bedroom is concerned.

25. Even as I type this out I feel a bit scared. I've spent my life to date guarding my own secrets as carefully as I could. Since I've been in this relationship with my SO I've felt this terrible burden- like there's just so much that I -can't- say. I don't think I'm presenting myself as a very likable person in what I've said, or at least I fear I'm not. In fact, I think if I were to read this thinking someone else had written it I would be a bit weirded out as well.

I suppose I should just argue that I'm surprisingly normal given the life I've lived. Sure, I may be a bit antisocial. I may be a bit blunt. When it comes down it, this list isn't for you. I just wanted someone else to know.

We all want to feel understood.

Monday, March 2, 2009

1. I didn't masturbate until I was 20. The first time I did, I was reading a sex scene in an historical romance. It involved a couple of teenagers. I came hard reading about the boy's touching the girl's breasts. Since that day, I've masturbated three or four times a week, minimum.

2. I had sex for the first time just days before I turned 18. He penetrated me, but it was incredibly painful. We tried again a few times, but it never got any better, so we gave up trying and eventually broke up.

3. I tried with a couple more men over the next few years, but it was always too painful (and humiliating), so I gave up on men and dating and sex for close to 20 years.

4. During those 20 years, I never went to the doctor to find out what was wrong. I assumed it was all in my head. I thought that I was just frigid and screwed up. I was also too embarrassed to talk about it, even with a doctor.

5. Not one person ever asked me why I didn't date or talk about men and sex. I sometimes wonder whether or not a friend's concern might have encouraged me to see a doctor about it sooner. But I blame only myself.

6. I bought vibrators in an attempt to fix the problem, but I could never get any but the smallest ones in me. Anything larger than an inch in diameter made me want to scream in agony.

7. Last summer I finally solved my painful sex problem with the help of a wonderful man who is married and can never commit to me (this was made clear at the very beginning, and I'm okay with it), even though we still see each other and have sex regularly.

8. The solution to the problem was embarrassingly simple, and it was *not* all in my head.

9. I currently own a dildo, two vibrators, a butt plug and ben-wa balls. They all get fairly regular use. I still can't believe I can get things inside me!

10. I'm seeing two people now, the married man and another man I met recently who weighs twice what I do...and I'm a big girl!

11. I don't think about my weight when I'm having sex, although I always thought I would. It just doesn't matter. I feel very sexy.

12. I'm not physically attracted to the big guy. The married guy makes me weak in the knees, though.

13. Part of the reason I'm not attracted to this big guy is his weight. I know that makes me sound like a hypocrite, but he's not just overweight, he's super morbidly obese. And when we have sex, it has to be in a particular position, one which hurts me a little. And I'm so tired of painful sex.

14. Also, he's a bad kisser. He just rams his tongue down my throat. I hate it, and I've told him so. He's getting better.

15. I love it when he and I have phone sex, though, because I can imagine him smaller and more manageable. Also, I'm quite attracted to his mind. He really turns me on over the phone. He has not made me cum in person.

16. I cannot seem to get a man to cum with my hands or mouth, and this frustrates me greatly. I feel so inexperienced (I guess I am).

17. I had anal sex for the first time just last week with the married guy, and I loved it. It hurt at first, and I got scared, but he was gentle and careful with me, and it turned out to be a lovely experience.

18. I'd had rape fantasies much of my life. When I was 13, I got in trouble for drawing pictures of a woman being bound and gang raped.

19. For our first date, the big guy and I arranged a rape scenario: I left my door unlocked and he snuck in early in the morning and "raped" me at knife point. It was my idea.

20. I still don't know how I feel about that "date". Also, I don't know if I have any more rape fantasies. Or maybe I just don't want to play out any more with him.

21. The big guy likes Daddy/Daughter play. I enjoy it as well. It's very satisfying to cry out, "Fuck me, Daddy!" while having sex. But when I do it, I wonder what the married guy would think...he has two teenaged daughters.

22. The idea of real incest/child rape makes me feel physically ill. But the big guy admitted to me that if he ever had a daughter, and she told him she wanted to have sex with him (even if she were quite young), he'd consider it. I don't think he's joking, and that really scares me.

23. The married guy takes pictures of me giving him head, and I post them online. I love the idea of others looking at our pictures. I enjoy the comments people leave.

24. I write dirty stories for the married guy. It makes me hot thinking of his masturbating to my words.

25. I'm still working on feeling good about myself after years of feeling worthless. I cry a lot. But mostly, things are fantastic.