Wednesday, May 26, 2010

1. I'm female, single, 18 years old and attracted to multiple sexes and genders. However, I am not textbook "pansexual." I'm picky. Some transpeople weird me out.

2. On that note, I actually tend to have issues with the people I know who identify as trans or genderqueer. I used to really not understand these things at all and would yell at potential friends for being confused, while saying that they should just deal with the body they were born with. This is ridiculously hypocritical, because in the years between 6th and 10th grade I regularly dressed as a boy. My hair was shaved, tits strapped down, all I wore were graphic tees and skater shoes with the occasional tie and button down shirt ensemble. Now I dress in androgynous tee-shirts and jeans and I very much look like a girl. I'm very fine with my female body, but my own concept of my 'gender' alludes me. Still, I have problems with other people who question their gender. I like to consider myself open-minded, so I hate this aspect of myself.

3. I lost my virginity when I was 13, to a 12-year-old boy. It was up in a tree house. It was cute and awkward and mostly due to a virginity pact we both made. He eventually pulled out and started jerking himself off because we weren't quite doing it right and he wanted to show me that he could make himself come. He did. I was amazed.

4. This same boy later liked to show me his penis when we hung out, like he'd just take it out and we'd sit around and chat. Sometimes I would touch it, and I liked the way it felt. We were usually outside in the woods and sometimes he'd take it out to pee on a tree and he'd let me watch. I wasn't really ashamed about watching. He would never let me touch it while he was peeing, though.

5. Before that, I'd sort of experimented with 2 of my female cousins when I was maybe 8 years old. We played this game where we would hand touch, then butt touch, then tongue touch, then vagina touch. It was basically a lot of touching. I remember being excited and a little ashamed and really unsure of what we were doing, but I liked it. I wasn't the one who started these games, but I'm the only one of us three that didn't turn out straight.

6. Technically, I've been molested, by the brother of these same two cousins. All three of them lived in a section of the house on weekends with my uncle. One day the boy called me into one of the bedrooms and closed the door, locked it, then pushed me up against a mattress that was up against a wall. He kept rubbing his hips against mine and kept trying to give me wet raspberries (presumably what he thought was French kissing--he was twelve), and every once in a while he would pull his pants an inch down and my underwear an inch down. I squirmed, managed to not get 'kissed' on the lips, and finally got away. It hasn't really traumatized me, I just find it funny. I wonder what would happen if I ever mentioned it to that cousin now.

7. My first experience with video porn was with one of the female cousins mentioned in #5, a few years later after the experimentation. We were going to watch a movie, so we switched the television to video and turned on the VCR. All I remember was seeing a mass of human bodies moving together before we rushed to turn it back off. Ejecting the tape, the title on the label was 'Bury Your Bone In My Butt'. We both giggled. We put it back in the player and decided we weren't going to watch a movie that day.

8. My first REAL experience with porn, however, was found under the sink in a stack of magazines in the bathroom in that sectioned-off part of the house for my cousins. I used to make excuses to go to that bathroom when they weren't home, just so I could look at them. I was amazed and ashamed, and really wasn't clear about what sexuality was about for a while. I had this sort of ritual for years until that bathroom was cleaned out.

9. I haven't had sex in 4 years. Worse than that, I've never been in a real 'relationship' at all. I've never 'been kissed', I was always the kisser. I've had more sex than I can remember, compressed into two years, with both girls and guys. I don't care about any of them, I don't think I ever did. I eventually stopped these stupid sort of hookups because I didn't want my life to be like that. I've performed oral on both girls and guys. I forget what semen tastes like. I've never been eaten out. I was a huge giver in all of these transactions.

10. I really, really want to be eaten out.

11. My first orgasm was entirely accidental. I was young, maybe 11. I passed a pool jet while swimming in my grandparents pool, was shocked at how good it felt, then pressed up against it. It was intense. I'm rather fond of pools.

12. Since then I've orgasmed in my friend's pool, in a community pool at Disney in Orlando Florida, in a public jacuzzi, in a closed community jacuzzi, among others. I'm absolutely not ashamed.

13. I can't get off to just my fingers. I've tried, gotten close, but I get tired before I can really reach orgasm. My first and only 'sex toy' was a broken off Venus razor with a vibrating option to exfoliate skin. Hah, yeah, right. I also use my shower head.

14. I watch porn and masturbate often. It's hard for me to orgasm without watching porn. I mostly watch gay porn, some lesbian porn, and absolutely no straight porn. I don't know why, but it just doesn't cut it for me at all.

15. When I watch porn, I rarely can get off just watching two (or more) people fucking. They need to be doing something else. Specifically, I really get off to rimming and watersports (but not with girls, I don't like watching girls peeing). I've realized this after a long time of denial and trying to avert my interests to other things. I don't know if I'd participate in such things in real life, but I'm not averse to it. I think the watersports thing came from what was mentioned in #4. The rimming, I don't have a clue.

16. Recently I've ordered an actual vibrator off of the internet. I should be getting it in the mail tomorrow. I'm excited beyond reason.

17. I'm really self conscious. I'm a little overweight, I don't like the way my vagina looks, my wardrobe sucks, and I never see anyone hit on me. Ever. That or I'm oblivious. I think I must portray myself as some sort of cool cat who doesn't need sex or something, I have no idea. On the other hand, when I look at myself in my own mirror I think I'm the sexiest thing alive. I've got large, shapely breasts, small pink nipples, an hourglass frame, a good complexion, a pretty face, sexy lips, straight white teeth, and gorgeous dark blue eyes. Maybe I'm the only one who thinks this way. Does this make me a narcissist?

18. I've participated in group phone sex with up to four other people. Many times. It's pretty awesome, but I still need to watch porn on mute to actually get off.

19. I feel myself capable of a threesome, but I don't think I'd be able to share in an actual relationship.

20. Relating to #15, I really really crave dick. I want to perform oral on a man like nobody's business. I really want to rim somebody (guy or girl). I really want to be pissed on. I really want to suck a dick while the guy is peeing. I really want to rim a guy while he is peeing. I really want to piss my pants while sitting in someone's lap. It would take a lot for me to admit these things to any living person, and when I'm watching porn with these things in them, the moment I orgasm, I lose all interest. Sometimes I feel disgusted.

21. A common fetish among people I know is pain, BDSM and sadomasochism. I'm not sure if I'm into any of these things, so it's awkward for me when my friends gush about it. Maybe I'll find out in my later sex life if I like these things.

22. Most of my really close friends are virgins. Most of them don't masturbate (or don't admit to it). Every one of them is straight. This makes things slightly awkward for me sometimes.

23. I wish I had the confidence to be a truly sexual creature.

24. I'm skeptical about love, and very adamant about my perceptions of it. I believe it exists, but I believe you only fall in true romantic, relationship type love once. Twice if you're lucky. I've never fallen in love. I feel it would be very hard for me to fall into true, real, super-intense love. I don't give myself to people freely at all.

25. I've written all of this as part confession, part method to get a grip and organize what I know about my sexuality. Maybe I'll tell all of this to somebody non-anonymously some day.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

1. I was first sexually active at a ridiculously young age, like grade-school young. My best friend told me that she and this girl she used to like used to play this game where one was a boy and one was a girl and she wanted to play it with me too. So my first experience was with a girl.

2. I recently found this same girl online, and she is one of the sexiest people I have ever seen. Like crazy sexy. I sent pics of her I took from her MySpace page to a few people and totally acted like a boy and said "I hit that, aren't you jealous?"

3. My next relationship, I was probably 12, and I heavily pressured my boyfriend into fooling around. I thought that the way you made people like you was to have sex with them, and although I didn't want to have sex, I did want him to like me so I jacked him off under the lunch table at school. I still have problems with having sex with people so they will want me.

4. When I was 16, I was dating a 15 year old boy, and when he said he didn't want to lose it till he was 17 I thought it was perfectly reasonable for him to say he would only do it if it was anal. We did it in the dugout of the Little League baseball field beside the high school. We didn't have lube, he dumped a bottle of Aquafina over himself and just did it. At one point he was kind of hanging from this board on the ceiling. It was terrible... he loved it. I had a four-hour bus ride the next day and cried randomly the whole way from the pain.

5. I cheated on him while away at a honors camp. It was a threesome. I really wanted this girl and she and I thought it was cute that this boy there had never even been kissed and how he was so awkward, so we went to his dorm room and started rubbing all over him. We ended up back in my dorm room fooling around with my roommate in the room. I did not have sex with him then, but I did with the girl. I ended up dating the girl for 6 months, then the guy for over a year after she and I broke up. I was his first. I cheated on him too.

6. The summer after graduation I saw that this guy I had a crush on in high school was hitting on my best friend, so I threw myself at him until I ended up dating him. We had really amazing sex... then I left him for a girl.

7. I admitted I was a lesbian and never wanted to have sex with a guy again, but I met one and got married. I think I may still be in love with him, but I left him because I couldn't have sex with him like he wanted, and felt guilty. I am now pretty sure I am pansexual.

8. Since my divorce, my idea of what is sexy has changed so much. I used to like skinny girly girls with long hair. Now I secretly think I would be happiest with a FTM transsexual.

9. I am really attracted to genderqueers, and the more masculine a female is the sexier it is to me. I love vaginas, but I also love masculine appearances. I like dick, but only if it is plastic.

10. I am pretty sure I would be happy being in a polyamorous relationship, but I live in the Bible Belt and never knew how to find others who would be accepting.

11. One of my biggest fantasies is to be on a bed going down on this incredibly sexy long-haired girly girl with my ass in the air and have her boyfriend/husband (that I didn't know about) walk in on us and decide that the best way to punish me is to fuck me really hard doggy-style. I often have to think about this to get off.

12. If I am not 100% happy in a relationship, I have a hard time bringing myself to want to get off. I will still really like getting my partner off, but I just want to go to sleep after that.

13. I used to meet random guys online and hook up with them at my apartment where I left the webcam on while we fooled around. They had all seen me do the same thing with others, so they should have known what was happening.

14. I am really attracted to older women. I am in my early 20s and commonly date women who are almost 40. They usually have kids. I just think the female body is so much more beautiful once it has been changed by pregnancy.

15. I think the sexiest part on a female's body is the lower back... I can't explain it, I just love running my hands over it.

16. My ex used to smack my pussy when we were having sex, and although I hated it at first, it got to where sometimes I can't come without it.

17. I sometimes think that the only reason I was with guys at all was that I like to please people and men are so much more open about whether you are doing it right. I think penises are disgusting, but I liked giving head, even though it left me sore for days due to a previous jaw injury.

18. I read the Craigslist personal ads then go find my vibrator... the tackier and the dirtier the adds the better.

19. Sometimes, even though I am in a committed relationship now, I have a strong desire to go online and find someone to talk dirty with until I get off.

20. Reading the other person's post about the "touch the art" booth got me super turned on, and I wish I could be involved with something like that.

21. I have often wished that I was skinnier, because I think I might really like being a stripper.

22. Since I had my child it is sometimes really painful for me to have sex, and I no longer get wet at all. That is really hard for me, since I used to have to go the the bathroom between classes to clean up the flood in my pants.

23. I just recently learned I could squirt during orgasm. It grosses me out when I do it, but I love when I make my wife do it.

24. I get super turned on at the thought that someone could possibly see me having sex, so I think I might really like to have another couple having sex in the same room with my partner and I.

25. My partner would be furious if she knew I was sending this in... and that makes it even hotter for me.

Monday, May 24, 2010

1) I have given up on labels. I don't think they matter any more. I'm tired of people trying to fit me into their little categories. I am who I am.

2) I find androgynous people very sexy. Also, fangs are nearly irresistible.

3) I like boys and girls.

4) My first real memory or recollection that I found women beautiful was when I was probably 6. I was watching a movie and there was a woman in a red bikini getting out of a pool. I remember rewinding it and watching it over and over until my mother came in and told me to quit it. Not long after that I did it again: another woman in red, in a bra and panties set and a sexy little robe.

5) When I was growing up I always wanted to sing to the girls, sweep them off their feet and make them swoon. Even now when I sing I always take the male vocal.

6) I used to French-kiss boys behind the trailers in 2nd and 3rd grade at Catholic school.

7) Some would call me a virgin; some not, though. I have been penetrated by a penis, but my cherry wasn't popped. At the time I was almost 12. My boyfriend was about a year and a half older than I, and he was a horny one. I was curious, but I didn't really have any kind of sex drive yet. His was the first penis I had really seen, and it was beautiful. I was fascinated by it and a bit scared by it as well. He wasn't my first kiss, but he was the first one that I felt I could kiss forever, and God was he good at it. We would sneak around his grandma's horse ranch and kiss until he was so hard he could hardly think. After a few months and a lot of coaxing on his part I gave him a blow job. I tried sex 'cause he wanted to but stopped 'cause it hurt too much. We tried anal, and that was fine with me. I wish I had been a bit older so I could have enjoyed it all more. After 5 months we drifted apart.

8) I popped my own cherry a couple years later.

9) Intelligence is a huge turn-on for me. So is any kind of musical talent.

10) When I was 13 I did a lot of cybering with older men. Surprisingly they never suspected that I wasn't a "horny 19-year-old girl from L.A."

11) I was addicted to porn at 14.

12) I denied that I felt any attraction to girls until I was 16, though looking back it should have been obvious.

13) I have some serious penis envy going on.

14) I made a rule for myself at boarding school: nothing below the waist. I wasn't ready for something so intimate, so I spent my high school years wearing the proverbial chastity belt of doom.

15) I had my first girlfriend at boarding school. A week after she arrived, we were roommates. After a few weeks we started flirting. Well, she was flirting; I was "straight girl" teasing with sexy dances and playful touches that I refused to act on. I couldn't admit it to myself that I wasn't "normal." I couldn't like girls; it would break my parents' hearts (after all, they already had one gay daughter).

16) We both developed a crush on the same guy, and after a bit I started to realize that I was jealous of him. I still couldn't admit that I wanted her, but I knew that I didn't want him to have her.

17) She would ask me for kisses and I would refuse, saying kisses were special and that I didn't kiss just anyone. One night the staff found us asleep on the top bunk, and they freaked, assuming that we were being naughty (even though we were fully dressed, shoes and all). They forced me to move out within the week. The funny thing is, if they had just left us alone, I could have deluded myself forever.

18) The last night, I let her kiss me. They kept us separated after that, but it didn't matter to us. We stole moments wherever we could for the next 6 months. On her last night there, she came to my room and we spent hours holding each other and caressing each other's skin. When it was time for her to return to her room, she had a psychotic breakdown and was taken away from me.

19) I didn't get to say goodbye, and we didn't see each other again. They gave me a letter from her after about a week, but all it really did was prove that she was alive. People kept asking where she was. Needless to say, I was a mess for over a month after.

20) My second girl was amazing. I was 17, she was 20. One night she knocked on my door, and in a cute rush of words declared that she liked me, handed me a note, and ran away. It was completely exhilarating.

21) We had a passionate 3 months together before graduation sent us in different directions. We met up for a weekend in N.Y. 6 months later and explored the city and each other. I haven't seen her in four years, but I still love her.

22) I am a jealous lover. I have never cheated. I don't like to share what's mine.

23) I find rugged, well built men with high cheekbones and strong jaws enticing.

24) I love kissing, licking, and sucking women's necks, breasts, sides, and mouths.

25) My last girl was mine for four days, but she was one of the hottest encounters I've ever had. She was the only one that I truly lusted after. It was 10 days before my 18th birthday. She was 15, and seven inches shorter than me. I loved to pin her against the wall with her hands pulled high above her head and press her tightly between myself and the wall and kiss her hard till we pulled back panting.