Saturday, April 28, 2012

1.    I am a 41-year-old cisgender female. At various times, I’ve identified as straight, lesbian, bisexual and asexual, but always heteroromantic and, most recently, as demiromantic.

2.    I masturbate almost daily, usually to audio of guys getting themselves off or to pictures of guys with chest and body hair.

3.    When looking for pictures of men to get me off, it’s always to regular guys who submit their own pictures to sites online – no porn stars, no models. I’m more turned on by bear types with salt-and-pepper hair. I like looking at Adonises in their 20s, but they’re not the ones about whom I fantasize.

4.    Okay, no porn stars except for Manuel Ferrara and James Deen. It’s not their bodies, either. It’s their enthusiasm for the girls they’re with and all the kissing. I got off on a scene that could easily have turned creepy and violent in the hands of another actor because Deen was looking the girl in the eye and whispering in her ear. He looked like he wanted to get off but he also looked like he wanted her to get off.

5.    At this age, I have never felt more confident in and willing to explore my sexuality. At the same time, I have never felt less desirable. The men around me always have younger, more beautiful choices. As I got closer to 40, the tone of the male gaze definitely changed. I am treated in a more maternal manner. In addition, I live in Southern California, where there are always younger, more beautiful choices. I think more and more often that I may have to permanently put away the sex and relationship part of my life. Sometimes I think I deserve it for the way I’ve behaved in the past.

6.    When I was 10, my dad told me that I was fat. He never apologized or insulted me again. He didn’t compliment me. It was the one time he turned to notice me and that’s what came out. I was shocked at the matter-of-fact way in which he communicated that my worth was in my looks, not in being smart or confident or musically talented or eager to learn more in school, all of which I was at that age. The intent behind the insult is what I remember when I look in the mirror.

7.    I was molested when I was 5 and 6 by a teenaged male cousin who lived with us. He would sit me on his lap and reach between my legs. I didn’t know what was going on but it made me uncomfortable. I had no one to tell. My dad was an abusive alcoholic and this piece of crap was his favorite nephew. My mother was clinically depressed.  They fought constantly and I felt that I wanted to protect them from more pain. I never told anyone. My biggest regret is that, in remaining silent, he probably went on to molest other little girls, maybe even his own daughter.

8.    Beauty and desire, Part 1: There’s been only one time that I felt absolutely beautiful. I had just walked out of a salon and my hair was looking good, child. I was wearing a t-shirt and jeans on a warm, sunny day and I was happy. I don’t remember what he said. Maybe it was just an exclamation. I turned to see who had spoken and I saw a normal, decent-seeming, everyday guy standing by his open car door. He looked at me as if I was an especially delicious cheeseburger...

9.    I have had one LTR. It was with a man. It lasted for 6 years. I have had 3 other male sex partners and one female sex partner.

10.    It’s been about 5 years since I last had sex. I’ve been clinically depressed for all of the years since. The depression came first.

11.    My favorite sex partner was a guy at work. We had sex on a balcony of the building at night, in his boss’ office and in the parking garage, among other places. He was a really fun person, enthusiastic about sex, enthusiastic about seeing me and a great kisser.

12.    I like men who are my age. You guys get mellower and funnier. Kinder, too. You seem to become more introspective and thoughtful. I like that. See also: salt-and-pepper hair.

13.    I want to be adored during sex. I would like for you to make me feel like you think I’m beautiful.

14.    I’ve never used sex as a bargaining chip and I never will. You deserve to be adored, too, even when we’re mad at each other.

15.    I stopped seeking relationships when I realized that all I did was cheat. I cheated on my boyfriend with the guy at work who cheated on his then-girlfriend to be with me. I slept with a married man and the third guy cheated on his girl, too. The woman was separated from her wife. It’s a shameful thing to only have cheating relationships. For what it’s worth, I figured out that I was trying to recreate the emotional turmoil that I thought I hated in my childhood home.

16.    Beauty and desire, Part 2: He looked at me as if I was an especially delicious cheeseburger. He seemed hungry enough to betray his want but disciplined enough to just admire it. He had a look of wonder on his face that I will never forget. For the only time in my life, I did the thing where I looked at him, looked down, smiled and looked back at him. I couldn’t help it. It just happens, I guess. Then I kept walking. I wish you all the same feeling of lightness and well-being that I felt that day.

17.    If I could go back in time and talk to myself in my 20s, I’d tell myself to get out there and start having all the sex. I’d point out that that I was not fat, that it would be, indeed, the best I’d ever look, and that making mistakes and having my heart broken would be worth it. Trying to live up to someone else’s standards of religious virtue or feminine modesty is not worth it. Not for me, anyway.

18.    I lived in San Francisco for a long time.  I did not identify as anything other than straight for the entire time I lived there and I did not have anything other than hetero sex. Stupid!

19.    As a teenager, I unintentionally presented as a butch girl. I should have embraced it.

20.    I’ve never performed a lap dance, but I’d love to try.

21.    Anal sex is okay. However, I loved doing it with my ex because he was really turned on by it. Seeing him that excited was exciting for me.

22.    My breasts are big. They’re real. They sag. Too bad. I’ve tried to feel better about them by checking out photos of similar-looking boobs on girls posted to body acceptance and sex-related blogs and websites. I don’t like them any more on other girls than I like them on me. I hate that I’m so critical and harsh with them and myself.

23.    I’d be mortified to be thought of as a MILF or a cougar. It makes me a predator. Those classifications also exclude me from the possibility of an age-appropriate relationship. It’s as if the only way to deal with a woman in her 40s who still wishes to be a sexual being is to imply that she must also be depraved in some way for not settling down into cronehood.

24.    I love drag queens. I’m 5’8” and I love to wear heels. I tower over my fellow tiny Mexicans. They try to make me feel that I’m not feminine when I choose to be so tall and so noticeable. The drag queen clawing her way out of me replies, “Eat it, eat it, eat it – ow!”

25.    I don’t know if it’s still done in Mexico but the most fun-sounding form of flirting comes from there. The guys use hilarious lines on girls called piropos. My favorite is, “¡Ay, tantas curvas y yo sin frenos!” or, “So many curves (on the girl’s body, obvs) and me without brakes!” The faux lament is just so funny to me. I’d talk to that guy!

Thursday, April 26, 2012

1. I am a 21-year-old cis-female who identifies as bisexual.

2. I see my sexuality as a net of experiences, desires, and practices (both unconscious and deliberate). So, this list will be a mix of past experiences, confessions and introspection. In no way is this a complete portrait of my sexuality.

3. I became sexually active at 15 with my first serious boyfriend. Since then, I have slept with 8 men and 6 women, and made out (i.e. kissing, petting, etc.) with countless others.

4. While my first PIV experience was at 15, I had been somewhat sexually active for over a year before that with a male friend. We were pretty much "friends with benefits," indulging in everything but actual intercourse. In reality, it was really just me giving him blow jobs whenever we were alone together, and then sometimes he would finger me. In retrospect, I realize this relationship/arrangement was not satisfying sexually or emotionally for me. I felt I had to be sexually available to him at all times - my own pleasure/wants/needs be damned!

5. I think I use sex as a means of bonding with people, whether it be having sex with them, or even just casually discussing it between however many people are around. I like hearing about other people’s experiences and desires. It allows me to feel closer to them and makes me realize we’re all not really that different. I like that.

6. Slightly related to #4, I think I also see sex as a way of keeping someone interested in me. If I give them sex then they’ll keep coming back, so in this way I also use it as a measure of my own self-worth. I have had my feelings hurt/self-esteem damaged many times in the past through doing this. I’m working on not doing that anymore. I’m worth more than that.

7. I’ve known I was bisexual since I was about 12 or 13. I read a sealed section in Cosmopolitan about lesbians and was incredibly turned on by all the stories. I decided that this must mean I was attracted to women. Knowing I was also attracted to men (or really, boys, at the time), I came to the conclusion (rather easily, it seems in hindsight) that I must be bisexual. I had no problems with this. I liked that it made me slightly unusual.

8. Now, at 21, I now realize that while bisexual best describes my sexual history and desires, I’m definitely on the more heterosexual side of the scale. I fall in love with men more easily. I’m attracted to women and hope to have more sexual experiences/possibly even relationships in the future, but ultimately I see the bigger, more important Significant Others in my life being male, as they have been in the past.

9. Over the last 6 years of being sexually active I’ve become much more in tune with what my sexual needs are and how to get them within sexual and romantic relationships. With my first boyfriend, for instance, whenever he’d go down on me I’d just start moaning, not because it felt good, but because I thought that’s what girls did when they got eaten out – it was supposed to feel OMGHOLYSHITBALLS AMAZING, right? Wrong. I think exposure to mainstream porn may have tweaked my expectations a bit there. But now I’m a bit more apt at expressing myself "in the bedroom" and also getting feedback from my lover. I want to be a good lover and experience good sex myself, so honest communication is key.

10. I finally started being able to orgasm from oral about 6 months ago. A boy who was a good friend and FWB managed to make me come through a combination of fingering and teasing my clit with his tongue. Honestly, best feeling ever. I woke him up the next morning to get him to do it to me again. I was so excited that I could now come from oral – up until then I’d always just seen oral as something like a slow, gentle massage; a nice feeling but nothing to wet my panties over. Now it’s totally different, and I am so, so grateful.

11. I love the feeling of a guy coming inside me. The feeling as he collapses on me slightly and pulses into me is indescribable.

12. My first experience with a girl was with someone I had just met and wasn’t entirely attracted to. It left me questioning my sexuality and smelling my fingers for days. I’ve since had more positive lesbian experiences, and count a few as "most memorable."

13. I’m tempted to anonymously submit nudes of myself to amateur websites/tumblrs. Maybe one day.

14. I cheated on my first boyfriend with another guy who I’d been interested in for a while before my boyfriend came along. I caused a lot of pain in that first relationship, purely out of my own selfish want to keep boys interested in me (read: hook up) while also having a boyfriend. Eventually it all came back to bite me in the ass when my boyfriend had had enough and dumped me for a friend of ours who treated him better. Nevertheless, I don’t think I’ll ever cheat on a significant other again.

15. Multiple boys that I’ve had relationships or flings with have moved on rather quickly or "picked someone else over me." Nothing hurts more than feeling like you’re not good enough.

16. I’m currently in a new relationship. It’s long distance at the moment, which is temporary, but has actually contributed to us developing a strong emotional-sexual bond, rather than a physical-sexual bond. We discuss our sexual desires a lot online, and flirt and tease each other, and swap photos and videos of ourselves, which is exciting. I feel very comfortable sexually with this boy and ready to explore my sexuality a lot more once the whole distance thing ceases to be a problem.

17. I would love to try pegging.

18. I love having my ass spanked.

19. I generally feel more comfortable taking on the submissive role when it comes to sex. I think this is because it means my partner has to "pursue me," in a sense, pulling me, pushing me, taking control. I like being pursued because for most of high school I felt I was the fat, unattractive friend, and to be pursued, even now as an adult, makes me feel good.

20. Surprisingly (or perhaps not surprisingly at all), I find most men I attract end up preferring me to take on the dominant role once we get into the bedroom. This sort of bothered me at first, as I couldn’t figure out what signals I was putting out in order to continually attract guys with this preference. Recently, however, I’ve started feeling more comfortable with the idea of asserting sexual dominance, particularly with my current boyfriend. I realize now I don’t have to "overact" and take on a full-on dominatrix role in order to be the dominant one. I now look forward to pursuing a more natural mode of control in my sexual interactions with others.

21. I think I started masturbating between the ages of 11-12. This coincided firstly with my discovery of the sealed sections in Cosmo and, slightly later, my discovery of internet porn. I started with what I now realize is a very common method of achieving an orgasm: rubbing against a pillow/soft toy/etc.

22. My first orgasm was achieved while rubbing myself against my giant stuffed teddy as I watched some porn online. I... didn’t know what had just happened. I knew about orgasms, but I thought that because I hadn’t been touching my vagina with my hands that it wasn’t a proper orgasm. I soon learned to accept that what I felt was an orgasm, and I kept doing it this way (rubbing against something) until I was about 14-15 when I started using my hands instead.

23. Through my experiences with "friends with benefits" arrangements and open relationships, I’d say that they don’t really work for me. I get jealous easily, so they only really work if I’m able to sleep around while the other half of the relationship doesn’t, which isn’t fair. For me, sex is very much intertwined with emotional attachment and intimacy. If I’m having repeated sexual encounters with one person, I can almost guarantee that I’ll become attached to them in some way, so it hurts when they sleep around too – I take it as a sign that I am not an adequate sexual partner (and depending on how strong my attachment is, I then take it as a further sign that I’m not good enough in a general sense).

24. Over the past 6 months or so, I’ve started becoming more accepting of my romantic tendencies. I spent a long time running from love, because I felt I wanted to be a "strong," "independent" woman. I ignored my true feelings and in the process got hurt... I’ve learned some difficult lessons the hard way, but ultimately I’m coming out on the other side stronger and wiser. The heart wants what the heart wants, and I’m going to honor that as best I can – honestly and within reason.

25. Sometimes I wonder if I’m not bisexual at all, and I’m just attracted to women that I want to look like. But then I remember what it feels like to have sex with a women and all doubt leaves my mind. Sexuality is a funny thing, for me. Sometimes it’s straightforward, sometimes it’s not. There are a lot of things I still don’t know.