Saturday, May 26, 2012

1. I’m a 36-year-old lesbian woman from Western Europe. Even though the meanings of “lesbian” and “woman” are multiple, open and ever-changing, these words still work for me on a personal and political level.

2. My looks are what you can consider butch, but I do not consider myself masculine at all. I feel more at ease with a masculine look, and masculine looks in myself and in other women are a turn-on for me.

3. I like contrast and ambiguity. I like getting someone out of a leather outfit and finding a soft, curvy body. I like toughness mixed with kindness. I like strength mixed with sensitivity. I crave tough-looking women who treat me in a caring and romantic way and then fuck me until I faint.

4. I also label myself as a bear lesbian (or “ursa”). I’m the iconic chubby butch dyke; I’ve had to deal with lots of discrimination, subtle and not so much. I define “ursa” as a form of erotic resistance. To me, it means loving other bodies as they come, and their diversity as a richness, against any restrictive models of desire. It is not just to be into women similar to me, which is the case, but being open also to let desire flow for women of any shape and looks.

5. My sexual fantasies have been about faceless bodies nearly always since I can recall. It is very unusual that I fantasize about any real person, even my lovers. It seems that demeanors, practices, actions and situations are far more arousing for me than the actual partners. Although I have never been with a man sexually and I don’t plan to do so, sometimes masculine beings appear in my fantasies.

6. I started masturbating when I was 12. While having a bath, I put a finger inside my cunt just because I was curious. I wanted to know how it felt. I went on experimenting with different kinds of ways to get off by myself. Vaginal penetration is a major source of pleasure for me.

7. I was a fat and ugly child and became a fat and ugly teen. I was also quite a nerd and very shy. I became an outcast among my classmates, and they bullied me sometimes. Masturbation became a source of pride and self-empowerment for me. It helped me value my body through its amazing capability for pleasure, which at that time I believed unique among my peers. So I masturbated a lot when I was a teen. There are still periods in my life that I do it a lot.

8. I had no other sexual experiences at all, not even a kiss, until I was 18 years old.

9. In my whole life I’ve had sex with a total of 5 different people. Until 2 years ago it had been only 1 person. So I had a single lover from 18 to 33 years old.

10. My second sex partner was a prostitute whom I paid. It was a great experience for me and I feel good about it. In fact I keep in touch with her. I think that prostitution is as honorable as any other job if the prostitute is treated with respect, in a human way, as a honorable person.

11. I’ve been very lucky with all my sexual partners. All of them with no exception were very good lovers. All of them were surprising in a good way for one reason or another. It has to do, probably, with my gratitude toward them for sharing the moment with me, and my will to be open and enjoy. I’m learning a lot about my own sexuality by having sex with different people.

12. I have experimented a little with BDSM, and it was fun and pleasurable for me. I enjoy playing the bottom, but I know that I can play a convincing top too, because she was delighted with it. I’m more into playing rough than into actual BDSM. I consider myself a vanilla type, but I’m open to play with BDSM again.

13. I’m a porn junkie. Written fiction, pictures or films can get me wet. I have quite a large collection of queer porn films; I just don’t like straight porn. I would love to find a woman willing to watch and comment on porn with me. I fantasize about masturbating together and then having wild and kinky sex. This has never happened to me in real life.

14. My third lover was multiorgasmic and could squirt a lot. Squirting has made me really hot since then. I loved that she rode me and rubbed against any part of my body, and then squirted on me. I had one of the most amazing orgasms in my life just by feeling her squirt dripping down my buttcrack and my cunt. In my whole sex life I’ve squirted just 4 or 5 times.

15. With this girl in #14 we recorded a homemade sex tape. I feel weird watching it, but it still gets me really, really hot.

16. I have tried to have an open relationship, but it stopped working when I fell in love with her and she fell out of love with me and in love with an occasional lover. It worries me not to be able to trust anyone’s love again. I would prefer relationships not to be sexually exclusive, but I really need love to be very deep and stable.

17. Intelligence is my biggest turn-on. A good sense of humor is maybe the second. I have had a thing for older women since I was very young. I find tattoos sexy. I worship black Doc Martens boots, shiny and tidy – up to the extent that I would never ever allow anyone to give mine a spit shine: leather care demands only the best quality shoe polishes.

18. If a woman is a good kisser she can do nearly anything she wants with me.

19. My breasts are medium sized, and just slightly saggy; I think that they still look tasty. My nipples are really sensitive. A woman can get me really wet by treating them well. They are too sensitive for biting or pulling. I prefer constant and soft sucking or rubbing.

20. Giving oral sex is very arousing to me, especially if it is also very pleasurable for her. Receiving oral does not give me so much pleasure; it’s difficult for me to come from cunnilingus alone. I prefer to be fucked by hand. I have a fetish for beautiful women’s hands. Ugly hands or nails that are too long are one of the few reasons why I could refuse a woman as a lover.

21. I like rimming, either giving or receiving. I’ve been the first person to perform anal intercourse with one of my lovers, and it was a wonderful and moving experience to see her get goose bumps and tremble in delight. I can take one finger up my butt every now and then and I like it, but it doesn’t play a central role in my sexuality.

22. I’m not picky with body fluids. I love sweaty sex, squirty sex, even sex with menstrual blood. I like their smell, their touch. I care about making it safe when these fluids are present, that’s all. I have never tried golden showers and I’m not curious about it, though.

23. It is much easier for me to reach an orgasm if I’m facing down. Besides, I take care of my own clitoris most times.

24. Every now and then I like to be fucked with a harness and a dildo, the feeling of stretching, of invasion. I enjoy doing it to someone else too. On the other hand, I do not understand why some women blow dildos; for me a dildo is just a prosthesis, similar to my glasses, and I would never blow them.

25. I’ve been on high doses of antidepressants for ten years. It has affected my orgasmic response (I need longer or more intense stimulation to come), but my libido hasn’t been affected at all. The most powerful sexual organ that I have is between my ears.