Sunday, June 3, 2012

1. I’m 22 years old and I'm from Spain. I’m a female (congenital/birth/biological sex). I’m a woman (institutional/social sex). But I’m genderless. Let me explain: I conceptualize gender as a socially constructed set of roles and expectations. I believe that mainstream conceptions of what is “feminine” and what is “masculine” have ZERO weight on what I do, say, think, wear…

2. I was 16 or so when I started to really think about feminist and gender issues. I then started to reject all things feminine because they appeared to me as symbols of male chauvinist oppression. I tried to become "neutral," but by doing so I adopted stereotypically masculine gender roles. Fortunately, those days of femmephobia and male-centrism have long been over.

3. I was 15 or so when I reached the logical conclusion that I must be bisexual. The thinking process went like this: “So... see, I’m not shallow! I wanna like and love people for who they are, not because of their bodies. Wait, that must mean I shouldn’t care whether people have penises or vaginas. Then I must be bisexual!”. It actually took a little longer than that, but you get the idea. And I had been having interest in kissing my close girl friends for a while. But I didn’t find a girl that I actually LIKED until age 17. She’s my best friend now.

4. I do not identify as bisexual anymore. I am pansexual because I recognize there are (and I can be attracted to) more than two sexes and/or two genders. On a related note, I am also an activist for trans, non-binary genders, and intersex/diversex/sex-divergence issues; really, for sex and gender diversity in general.

5. I had my first sexual contact at age 13. I was 14 when I had my first PIV sex, I guess.

6. I say “I guess” because the act of “losing my [PIV] virginity” actually had like three phases. So I was dating this one guy, and once we kind of had sex. I say kind of because I’m not sure his penis actually went in, or how much of it actually went in. We were kind of at that point when we realized there was blood everywhere. But the thing is, I don’t know if the blood came from the breaking of the hymen, or from random bleeding that I would get sometimes in the middle of my menstrual cycle. Both are feasible.

7. In the second phase, the problem was that the guy had a HUGE dick. Only one brand of XXL condoms would fit him, and they were really tight. So he did put his dick in me quite a few times, but it took a lot of concentration and muscle relaxation. And the one time I could handle it the longest, he only got to thrust four times. So we could never really "fuck," you know? It was painful. He was a very sweet, loving and somewhat shy guy, though.

8. And then I met this guy when I was 15; having sex with him really felt like a "first time." Then we dated for almost 10 months. We lived kind of far away but would meet every weekend and have sex in his car.

9. My longest relationship has been with a cis woman, and it lasted almost a year. I had three relationships of about 10 months with three different cis men before that. I’ve had some shorter ones too. Also, I’ve had sex with around 60 people up until today.

10. Once, one of those men and I did the math, and we guesstimated we had had sex (we didn’t define “sex” strictly as “PIV sex”) more than 300 times. And we were only physically together for like 5 of the 10 months we were dating. We lived at a boarding school and we both had roommates, so we would often skip classes to be alone and have sex in the room. We would wake up late at night to go have sex in the bathroom when people were sleeping. We had sex on rooftops, behind buildings, in the art room, on buses, backstage in a theater while dressed up in our dancing costumes... I haven’t been as sexually active with anyone since, and I’m not sure I want to.

11. Then again, I go through pretty varied phases when it comes to my sexuality. Sometimes I love dicks, sometimes I don’t wanna have anything to do with them (that has never happened with pussies, though. Don’t know about divergent/intersex genitalia, never tried). Sometimes I fuck with a new person every week, sometimes I don’t really feel like pursuing someone new for a long time. Sometimes I go nuts if I don’t have sex for two days, sometimes I become almost asexual and don’t even masturbate for months.

12. I think I was 15 when I started to think that what I really wanted were open relationships. I didn’t quite put it in practice for many years, because I lived in a small village, didn’t know how to approach it, had no references or people to learn from, didn’t wanna hurt guys I liked, etc. Long story short, I’ve (relatively) recently started identifying as polyamorous. I don’t know for sure, but I think the relationship model that would work best for me is a triad. I don’t really know if I want to have kids, but for some reason it’s easier for me to imagine myself raising kids as part of a triad than as part of a couple. Also, I don’t think I want to get pregnant myself.

13. Having sex with more than one person at the same time was not something I was interested in a year ago, but I’m extremely curious now. I had my first contact with this last Saturday at a swingers/sex club, but I really need more time and opportunities to explore it. What I really want right now is to have sex with an experienced couple; I feel like I’d really appreciate being with two people who already know and trust each other.

14. It really bothers me that people make so many assumptions based on age. It especially bothers me that sex between an older man and a younger woman is automatically regarded as abusive or involving a power differential.
When I was 16 I had sex with a 38-year-old guy (in case anybody worries, the age of sexual consent in Spain is 13. I'll save my opinions about the age of consent for another time). We had sex several times when I was 16 and 17, and then didn’t see each other for a long time because I spent several years abroad. We never lost touch and we are quite good friends now. We had sex yesterday and it was great. He is one of the most respectful, egalitarian and sex-positive people I’ve ever met.

15. My first time with a woman was on my 20th birthday. I had liked some women before, but never went beyond kissing (and that wasn’t because I didn’t want to! It became somewhat frustrating). Anyways, she had been my teacher for one year in high school. It was great! We are good friends now.

16. I used to have many prejudices about BDSM and fetishist practices (especially BDSM). I didn’t understand. Now I not only understand, but respect and even admire many aspects of those sexual subcultures. I’m especially a fan of everything related to consent and negotiation, and I think the vanilla world has much to learn from the BDSM and fetish communities (which in practice overlap a lot) in that respect. However, I am not myself turned on by domination, submission, or pain for pleasure.

17. I never really cared for sex toys until last summer. Now I have a beautiful wooden one, and flexible purple one, and a little bullet vibrator. I wanna buy more when I save some money, namely one made of glass (I love the touch of glass!), a bigger vibrator, and a two-ended dildo, for sharing.

18. I actually prefer fucking people with smaller dicks. They’re easier and more comfortable to give oral sex to, and I like the way they feel inside me.

19. These are some things I find especially beautiful: flat-chested women, Afro hair, red hair, freckles, skinny legs. These are some things that I don’t like very much: tattoos, piercings or in general any kind of jewelery, very big butts, very hairy guys. But in practice, I don’t care much about looks: when I like a person inside, they become physically attractive to me. When someone is hot but also a douche, I recognize they are beautiful, but I won’t be attracted to them.

20. I’m extremely interested in Deaf culture, have Deaf acquaintances and know sign language. I would love to have sex and/or a relationship with a person who also happens to be Deaf.

21. Only once have I had an orgasm JUST from penetration, and I don’t really know how. I always need clit stimulation. My pussy is pretty sensitive, and I don’t like it when people rub my clit really hard, when they suck on it very strongly, when they slap it or when they penetrate me (with fingers, dildos or penises) too fast and hard too early.

22. Not long before I had sex with a woman for the first time, I went through a phase where I watched a lot of lesbian porn while listening to “I kissed a girl” by Katy Perry. I actually think that song objectifies woman-with-woman sex by subjecting it to the male gaze, but whatever. I just liked to play it while I masturbated to women having sex.

23. My nipples are extremely insensitive, almost the least sensitive patch of skin in my body. Ironically, I might feel something if they are touched REALLY lightly. But with normal or harder touch, I feel almost nothing.

24. I have a strange relationship with anal sex. Sometimes I really want it, sometimes not at all. Sometimes my ass will have trouble letting even one finger in. And there was this one time I was sleeping with a guy with whom I’d had sex and tried anal (but failed) the night before, when he woke up with a hard-on and just tried to put his dick in my ass. And it popped right in! With no preliminaries and no extra lubrication! I was very surprised. And came several times.

25. People don’t really understand that, being I’m as promiscuous as I am, I say that I never practice “sex without love.” The key here is my personal definition of “love." To me, love is the opposite of hate. To me, hate is about wanting bad things to happen to someone or something. Therefore, to me, love is about wanting good things to happen to someone or something. I want good things to happen to almost everyone and everything on this planet (my brothers, the trees in my backyard, my country, the environment). And, of course, I especially want good things to happen to the people I have sex with! I care about them, even if I’ve met them that same night. That’s what I mean when I say there’s always love when I fuck. Of course, as I become more intimate with someone and develop a stronger bond with them, that love expands and changes. But because there’s always love all along, I never use the expression “fall in love.”