Friday, July 2, 2010

1. I'm 26, female, and mostly straight. I love men, but I'm also sexually attracted to women. The worst girlcrush I've ever had is the one I have on my best friend, who's basically my sister. We joke about how if she ever left her husband, I'd do her. She doesn't know that I'm not joking. I lost my virginity at age 23 to a coworker while doing a summer job in Alaska. I currently have a boyfriend who I'm thinking about leaving, but not just because of sex-related issues. We've been seeing each other for almost four months.

2. I discovered masturbation when I was about twelve. I found one of my mother's womens' magazines (think Cosmo or something similar, I don't remember what it was called) and in it was a rather lengthy article about male fantasies. It included detailed accounts from around fifteen men about what their favorite fantasies were. As I read it, my hand found its way down my pants. I discovered orgasm a couple years later in the shower.

3. I've been a big fan of anal stimulation since I was a teenager. When I was young, I'd stick a capped marker up my ass in the shower. I bought my first vibrator when I was sixteen because my older friend took me into a sex toy shop and lied about how old I was. The woman working the desk didn't card us. That tiny little vibrator brought me more pleasure when it was in my ass than when it was in my pussy. I also love DP. If I could, I'd do it with two men and not two toys. My current boyfriend won't indulge even my anal kink, so I know he wouldn't indulge me in this. But I love having a vibrator in my pussy and a dildo in my ass. It turns me on like crazy.

4. Also related to my ass, I love being spanked. I mean, I LOVE it. This turns me on like nothing else. I love the feeling of being bent over or turned around and having my ass slapped until it's red and sore. I love the feeling of being fucked afterward. The first time I had anal sex was after a thorough spanking, and it was the only time I've ever gotten close to orgasm with another person. This is another thing that my boyfriend won't indulge me in, which I think is sad, because a proper spanking gets me incredibly fucking hot.

5. I'm technically not a fan of sex on the first date, but I feel that with how I look, sometimes if I don't screw on the first date, I'm not going to get any. My current boyfriend and I wound up in his bed on the first date, and the last guy I screwed before him (the guy who spanked me and fucked me in the ass) was a one night stand, although to be fair, I wanted a relationship and he didn't, but I didn't know that until midway through the sex when he told me he only kissed girls he was dating after I asked why he wouldn't kiss me. Before him, my best friend set me up with a friend of hers and we decided to give sex a go, since both of us were horny. Considering his clinginess, BO, and bad breath, even his large cock couldn't make me sleep with him again. The boyfriend I had before that never fucked me, not once in the whole time we were together. He also never let me go down on him, which was a bit odd. Before that, I slept with a guy I'd been dating while working in Alaska. Before him, I slept with another guy I worked with in Alaska, which is why I say I left my virginity in Alaska. For the record, I don't fuck everybody I date. Just the ones I like enough to get naked with.

6. I've never come with another person, but can come multiple times when I'm alone. Part of it is because I can't come just from vaginal stimulation. I've gotten close twice - once with the guy with the big dick and bad BO, and once with the one night stand who spanked and fucked my ass. Unfortunately, Big Dick Boy came before I could get there and didn't bother finishing me off. He just rolled over and went to sleep. One Night Stand Boy also didn't bother finishing me off, but he didn't come, either. He lost his hard-on. When I asked him why, he said it was because he normally doesn't fuck fat chicks. My current boyfriend doesn't bother trying anymore. He knows it's difficult for me to come without added stimulation, but he won't reach around and play with my clit and he certainly won't spank me, because omg it's abusive!!!11!

7. Even though I'm literally begging my boyfriend to put me over his knee and spank me, he won't do it. He won't do my ass, he won't tie me up, he won't use toys on me, he won't do anything that isn't vanilla sex. I think the least vanilla thing we've done was when we had sex on the couch. I know he's done kinky stuff before, because he has bondage gear in his closet. He just says that he "grew out of it" with his ex-girlfriend. Unfortunately for him, I'm a spanking slut and a subby type of girl and want that kind of relationship, so this relationship won't be lasting much longer. There are other reasons I'm going to leave him (chief being that I think he's still in love with his ex and pretends I'm her), but that's one of them.

8. I love porn. I love watching it, critiquing it, and getting off to it. I love making fun of bad porn and enjoying the good porn. I have a thing for amateur porn when it's just a real couple fucking in front of a webcam and putting it on a video site. I LOVE gay porn. I love interracial porn, but for some reason, it has to be a black man on a white woman (or man). I don't know why, but I don't get off on white men with black women. I also love writing dirty stories. Because of my relationship history, my stories are where I can get at least some satisfaction in regard to my fetishes (since I can't find a decent guy who'll not only date me, but fuck me and tie me up and spank me). Part of what gets me about porn is just the sounds of sex. I can leave a video playing and close my eyes and get off.

9. I love crossdressing men. I blame Tim Curry for this, since I first saw Rocky Horror Picture Show when I was about ten. One of my favorite things to fantasize about is a man in panties or a skirt. This is the only situation I could ever find myself dominant in with a man, actually. I recently found photos of this one actor that I find incredibly hot and he was wearing a kilt, stockings, and biker boots. Let's just say I retired to my bed for a little bit.

10. In case you haven't noticed, I have some body issues, which sometimes make sex difficult (not only finding it, but enjoying it). I'm a fat girl with small breasts and a big ass who loves sex. I can't find someone who'll have the kind of relationship I want with me, one where I'm submissive. I want to get married and have kids someday, but I just have this feeling that I'm going to be single until the day I die. The only guy I've ever met who's been okay with my size (and I don't mean fat as in a size 14, I mean fat as in a size 28) is my current boyfriend. But he compares me to his ex in many ways, which is something I can't overlook.

11. My boyfriend compares my blowjobs, the way I ride, my sexual adventurousness, my cooking, and my age to his ex. He's eight years older than me. They were together for twelve years and just broke up nine months ago. Six months later, he met me. I know you can't get over a twelve-year relationship in just a few months, but if he's not ready for a relationship, he shouldn't be in one. Especially not if he's going to recommend that his ex teach me how to suck his dick. As I mentioned above, he makes no effort to please me in bed, but I make the effort to please him. It's a very one-sided relationship, which is one of the other reasons I'm thinking about ending it.

12. I have no problem with giving head. I actually enjoy it, as long as the guy is clean. However, I'm not very good at it. I've slept with six people, but only one has been more than twice, and that's my current boyfriend. On the flip side, I don't like receiving oral. Maybe it's because the guys who've done it to me haven't been very good at it, either, I don't know, but I just don't like it. It doesn't do anything for me. I lay there thinking, "Okay, this is stupid, just stick your dick in me and fuck me."

13. My favorite position is doggy style. There's just something so hot to me about sticking my ass in the air and my head down and just taking it. With my size, it's one of the easiest positions to do, too, which is always a plus. It also frees up my ass for smacks, if my partner is so inclined. I wish my boyfriend would take the fucking sledgehammer hint. I mean, come on, when your partner is literally ASKING you to spank her and her favorite position is on her hands and knees, wouldn't you do it?

14. The stupidest thing I have ever done was going out with a guy I'd met on OK Cupid. We'd talked for about half an hour and then went out for lunch. We wound up in a park near my house making out, and then on the walking path next to the river. It was very secluded. I'd just met this guy. All I could think was "I'm going to end up dead in the river." I know not everyone on the internet is like that, but he just weirded me out so much. It was the first and only time I ever ignored my instincts. Nothing happened, but there was just something about him that made me extremely uncomfortable.

15. I love to fantasize. One of my favorite fantasies (that doesn't involve spanking) takes place on the Haunted Mansion ride at Disney World. It's very easy to tease a guy on that ride, since it's a dark ride and you and your partner are alone in the ride vehicle. Just drape a jacket over his lap and slip your hand under. I've never done this, but I want to one day.

16. I used to work at a hotel as a housekeeper and, while cleaning a vacant room, was fantasizing about something. I don't remember what. I got so turned on that I laid down on the stripped bed and got off. I was so terrified that my manager would come looking for me, which added to the thrill of masturbating at work. Once I was done, I washed my hands and changed the mattress pad (just to be safe, since we normally didn't change them) before making up the bed.

17. I have a thing for older men. It started when I was about 13 or so and first started watching The X-Files. I developed a major crush on Nicholas Lea, the guy who played Alex Krycek, which I have to this day. I find age play and daddy play fascinating, but most of the guys I've been with have found any level of kink creepy.

18. In the stories I write, there's a lot of kink. Sometimes it's just one character getting spanked, other times it's more intense. It depends on the mood I'm in. I've noticed that if I'm in a bad mood, my stories tend to have darker kink. I like to create worlds where kink is the norm.

19. I love to be fingerfucked. One of the guys that I was with fisted me during our night together and it was just incredible. I want to try it again sometime soon.

20. For a long time, I thought that my submissive nature meant that I wanted what most people think of when they think of a BDSM relationship. I've recently discovered that it's not what I want. What I want is similar, but still different. It's less about the leather and more about the emotional underpinnings that you'll find in the relationship. I do think that part of the reason I really started thinking about it is because of my ex. We had a mild BDSM relationship. He'd have me kneel at his feet for long periods of time, like if we were watching TV or something. Unfortunately, I have old ankle and foot injuries from being a klutz while growing up (I sprained my left ankle by falling through a missing step on the back stairs, and I sprained my right foot by tripping over the other one). He didn't like it when I finally told him I couldn't kneel anymore, and said I wasn't a good sub. We did ease up on the BDSM aspect of our relationship, but we also broke up not long after that.

21. I have a tendency to develop a crush on someone just if they're nice to me. As I'm sure anyone can see, I have some self-esteem issues that I'm working on. They've been prevalent my whole life. For a while, I used sex as a way to get people to like me. The first guy I ever did anything with other than kiss, I was 20 and it was just a topless handjob. He tried to pressure me into more, but I didn't let him. I didn't like him enough to want him to like me.

22. With all of my kink-positive attitude and all of my fetishes, there is only one (legal) fetish that really bothers me. I don't care if other people do it, I really don't, but I don't want to see it or think about it or hear about it. Furries creep me out like crazy. As I said, I don't care what other people do in their own lives, but that's something I could never consider, even in my writing. It just bothers me for some reason. The bad thing? I think my boyfriend is a furry.

23. Even though I'm right handed, I use my left to masturbate. I don't know why, but I've always done that and I actually can't get off with my right hand.

24. I should just buy stock in Energizer and a sex toy company, seriously. I burn through batteries and vibrators very quickly and then have to buy more. I tried rechargeable batteries, but they didn't last very long.

25. I don't like labels when it comes to gender and sexuality, since I feel that so much of it is so fluid. I'm biologically and psychologically female, but as for who I want to love? I just like personalities. My entire sexual history has been hetero, and I haven't kissed a girl since high school, but I would love to go to bed with a girl. I actually have a pretty big crush on a friend of mine (not my best friend as mentioned in #1, another friend) and we constantly joke about screwing each other, but I don't know if she realizes I'm not kidding. Yet, when I masturbate, most of what I think about is the male body. I dunno. I just like sex.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

1. I am a 22 year old woman and have identified as bisexual since I was 15.

2. Even though I identify as bi, I have never had sex with a woman before. I have had crushes on women and had incredible romantic feelings for some, but never had the... opportunity I guess you could call it, to ever be as intimate as I'd like with them.

3. Up until I was about 19 I was quite 'safe' when it came to the bedroom; only a few positions, nothing ever 'taboo', and only really with men that I'd had incredibly strong feelings for (with the exception of two nights at uni-res).

4. When I was 19, not long before I turned 20, I was raped by a colleague at work. For the longest time I did not see it for what it was, and blamed myself for it eventuating. I was repulsed by him, and it was not in the least bit consensual. I was working at a bar at the time, and at that age was completely naive to how manipulative and selfish some people could be. I also really liked to drink. The bar manager encouraged me to drink when the patrons at our bar ordered two shots: one for them and one for me. I got blind drunk, and after closing he told me that he had to start work at seven the next morning and his house was the other side of the city. Feeling obliged I offered for him to 'crash at my place' as I lived very close. It happened in my bed, and at the time I was far too intoxicated to really realise what was happening; all I could remember was saying "no" over and over. I sobered up a little halfway through and realised (somewhat) what was going on. All I could bring myself to do was to put my arm over my eyes and pretend it wasn't happening. I was fired from that job a week later because of "discrepancies in the till", and haven't set foot in there since.

5. It wasn't until seeing a counselor about six months later that I considered even using the word "rape." I knew what he had done was wrong, but the term seemed so harsh to use. In my mind it had strong implications of violence and force - and when it happened to me there had been none of that. But this counselor made me see it for what it was; in no way was I giving consent for him to have sex with me by letting him into my room, nor should he have expected it. I also realised at that moment just how calculating he had actually been.

6. Not long after this incident, less than a few weeks in fact, I started having casual sex with someone who was 11 years my senior. That same year I had just started exploring the "alternative" or "goth" scene, and had met him at an industrial night club. He had just broken up with his girlfriend, but was still sleeping with her, along with another woman. I put up with this horrible arrangement for two months until he eventually got back together with his ex. It was one of the most emotionally draining times of my life. Two and a half years down the track, I am incredibly close with the two of them; they are some of my dearest friends, while the other woman in the uh... "love square", if you could call it that, loathes me, as I do her. It's funny how some things work out sometimes.

7. Said man was, and still is, one of the "gothiest" (in want of a better word) people I have ever met. I had not so much been attracted to him, more intrigued. He was slender but very toned, and had the most incredible sex drive I've ever come across. He was the one who first introduced me to bondage and toys, but at the time I was too timid to explore it much. Since then I've been craving it, but have not found anybody with even a slight interest in it. Being with him at that time was so liberating after what had happened, and allowed me to put it out of my mind for a while; had I have not been with him then I probably would've turned to self-harm. I am so glad I never had to go down that road.

8. For the next year after that I only ever had a few one night stands, and funnily enough, all the people I had sex with at that time I have now ended up becoming really close friends with. There was nobody who really inspired me romantically, not like I had been with my first boyfriend when I was 16, or anybody else since. In all truthfulness, I've only ever been in two 'official' relationships. But I digress, not long before I turned 21 I was diagnosed with HSV type 2, more commonly known as genital herpes. I was mortified and disgusted. So much so that the little progress I'd made since being raped went out the window, and I went right back into my shell. For the first time ever in my life I became terrified of intimacy. My first instinct had been to blame the man that raped me, however had that been the case that meant that I may have unwittingly passed it onto one of my friends, something that I was unable to deal with at the time. I went into complete denial and went on as though I'd never heard the diagnosis, telling myself that I would only tell a partner in the future if I wanted to have sex with them. I have still not told any of the people that I'd slept with that year of my diagnosis.

9. What prompted me to get tested was when I started showing symptoms. Unfortunately for me they were incredibly severe, but I have not experienced any symptoms at all in the one and a half years since, and I hope that it stays that way. By the time I got to the sexual health clinic I was in a terrible state, not only experiencing "downstairs" symptoms, but also a severe flu-like sickness. At the time I was in so much pain that I was relieved to hear the diagnosis, as it meant that I could start medication to stop the pain and fever, but a few days later when the fever started to clear the reality of the situation set in, and I realised that I would be stuck with a horrible social stigma for the rest of my life. I was terrified to look at what was happening "down there"; scared of what it'd look like, and also of scarring. Thankfully no such thing happened, and it's as though it had never happened.

10. STIs are something that nobody talks about, especially considering how many people statistically are meant to have one. I told no one at all asidea from my parents of my diagnosis for quite some time, for fear of being rejected or the centre of rumour or ridicule. Three months or so passed when I met a man. He was a friend of an acquaintance, and I was instantly attracted to him. He was the type of guy I had lusted after since I first started noticing men; he was tall, thin, indie, with a boyish sense of humour and stretchers in his ears. Instantly I wanted to jump him right there in the club. I got his number and we caught up a few times after that, but it had come at a really bad time for me; I still wasn't dealing with being raped or my diagnosis, so rather that stopping things from progressing, I simply ignored my problems. This later came back to bite me in the arse.

11. After a very drunk night out at the pub with him and some mutual friends, I ended up going home with this guy. A few of his friends had gone back to his place too to drink more, and at an opportune time the two of us slipped out the back to make out. A few hours later I found myself in his bed, still kissing and groping him. He wanted to sleep with me, and I was aching for him too, but my conscience was niggling me from the back of my mind. At first I said no, but after a bit of persuasion I gave in, and we had sex several times that night. I broke the promise I'd made to myself, to only sleep with someone after telling them of my diagnosis, and in the following months the guilt niggled away at me. He still doesn't know.

12. The most horrible thing about the incident is that he was the first man since being raped that I felt safe with, even intimate with. Every time I had been with a man since the incident at the bar, I had my eyes closed, putting my arm over my eyes, mimicking the pose I took when it had happened, as to only focus on the physical. With this man I was able to look him in the eyes. It was because of this that I made the same mistake another three times in the following months. I fell in love with him and the security he gave me.

13. I have been celibate since sleeping with this man. He had his own problems at the time, and as sad as it is to admit, he never felt the same way for me as I did for him, even when he tried. The saddest part though is that my problems and insecurities even got in the way of our friendship. At one point we were quite close, but I ended up pushing him away with my "crazy", as an acquaintance so delicately put it. We barely speak at all anymore, and that is the part that tears me up the most.

14. I still feel that I am an incredibly sexual person, and strangely enough, I love sex. I have an at times unbearably high sex drive. I am though too scared and guilt-ridden from the experience mentioned above to act on any of it.

15. To get past this I own a vibrator. Though I'd never admit it to anyone, I use it and masturbate to thoughts of being tied up to a table and fucked by two men. It is a fantasy that I have long wanted to play out, but because of my hang-ups, I'll probably never find the courage to do it.

16. One time, whilst unpacking boxes after moving into a new place, my Mum decided to help me out by unpacking one of them, and came across my vibrator in its pink casing. She held it up to me and asked "What's this?", and completely non-chalant I took it out of her hand and replied "It's a hair straightener". We both knew what it was, but have said nothing about it since.

17. Going down on a woman is the hottest thing in the world to me. I am so attracted to the female body it's not funny. Though I am still attracted to the male physique, it is nothing compared to that of a woman. I love the feeling of my mouth on her, anywhere on her, of my fingers inside her, of licking, stroking, blowing, caressing her to orgasm. Fucking a woman with a dildo is another fantasy of mine that I am dying to make happen.

18. I am attracted to men in a completely different way than I am to women. With men I want to be in the position of submission, restricted and "taken", rather than dominating. I love giving head, sometimes more than penetration. To hear him panting, to feel his twitches and reactions to what I'm doing to him, to feel him pulling at my hair and have him coming in my mouth is a massive turn on for me. I often fantasise about blowing a guy and being taken from behind by another guy.

19. I hate the thought of anal and never want to try it. Ever.

20. I realised not too long ago that I have a particular soft spot for "self-destructing" men. As morbid as it is, angry, self-hating sex is the most physically satisfying I've ever had. The only problem is that I have been self-destructing through alcohol for a while now... maybe this is the reason I'm attracted to them?

21. I am almost at the point now that if it came to it, I could tell a partner about my diagnosis and once again become physically intimate. There are days where it still terrifies me, and I have had panic attacks thinking about it, but I am getting better. The physical symptoms aren't what upset me; they are few and far between and are just like having the flu. What makes me so upset is the social stigma that goes along with it. My biggest fear is that I will become close to someone and tell them, only to have them say to me "You disgust me!" or "You are dirty!” I've tried to convince myself that I'm not, and the very close few friends that I've told have too, but most of the time I still don't believe them. I am dirty, and I will never be clean again.

22. I have come a long way in terms of my "body-image". I went through high school being the "fat girl", but after leaving I've lost weight, and developed an appreciation for my body. I love it, and I adore having the breast size I do (I am an Australian 12-G bra size for anyone that wanted to know).

23. It doesn't matter to what sex or gender, but someday I really want to get married, and to find a partner to spend the rest of my life with. I am a hopeless romantic, and though a lot of the people are skeptical about marriage, I still believe in love that can last a lifetime. Relationships need work and a certain amount of openness from both sides to work. Though a romantic, I do not expect everything to be perfect all the time. I am grateful that I've had the parents I have to look up to - because of them I believe that when I do meet the right person I will be able to spend the rest of my life with them.

24. Having said that, I still often think that because of my past and my diagnosis, that I will be too damaged for anyone to ever want. I think sometimes that I will grow up to be a spinster, living alone in an apartment aside from about ten or so cats. I really don't want it to come to that though.

25. I want to get better. I want to be confident enough to not let herpes get in the way of being happy with someone else. If I were one day by some miracle cured of herpes, I would be as promiscuous as I like, and live out all the fantasies I've ever thought of. But as it stands, I am too much of a risk to other people to be so liberal. All I can hope for now is to find someone that loves me enough to not care about my little disease. I fear I'll be looking for a lifetime.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

1. Even though I'm currently dating a guy, I identify myself as a bisexual who wants to be a pansexual. I feel like I could be attracted to any kind of person, but I don't officially know.

2. When I was younger, I always seemed to want to be with someone, whether it was a boy (which was preferred at the time) or a girl, I found myself desperately craving attention, this eventually lead to the early discovery of masturbation around the age of nine or ten.

3. I didn't understand masturbation until I entered the eighth grade, but up until that point, I loved to be penetrated with just about anything I figured was safe enough to use (and I've used some weird stuff: toothbrush holder, head of a squirt bottle, a water bottle, a Jar Jar Binks doll from Star Wars--the list goes on) and even though I was ashamed of doing it, seeing as somehow I felt it was wrong, I did it very often.

4. By the time I got to eighth grade, having multiple crushes on boys and awkwardly enough having an online relationship with a girl in Louisiana (to whom I officially came out to as liking girls) I finally mustered up the courage to ask out my first (and only girlfriend) in a school bathroom.

5. I spent the majority of my eighth grade year with a girl and was finally told exactly how to use my body and want was happening to me when I masturbated. (I also got my official first kiss and lost my virginity to a girl.)

6. After being broken up with, I spent almost all of my high school career sexless and alone. During this time I perfected the art of pleasuring myself (having my first real orgasm in ninth grade).

7. Around the same time of achieving my orgasm, I nearly went all the way with a close male friend. I'd liked him for such a long time and after the break up I just wanted to be loved again (of course he wanted to 'love' in the most physical way possible and he agreed to attempt sleeping with me) Fortunately for me, the farthest we went was making out and a little touching. The boy is my closest guy friend (aside from my boyfriend) and is miserable and jealous of me. I now realize that I'd be horribly miserable with him and would never want to date him.

8. After the remaining three years of high school, I got back together with my ex-girlfriend during the second semester of my senior year. We had a great, sexual run for six months, until she broke up with me (again) to go to an all-girl college because of the high lesbian population. Go figure.

9. Soon after my ex-girlfriend dumped me, I met my boyfriend and basically hit it off. We had sex before we were even dating and regardless of the fact he said he'd had sex before, we had a blue ball night where neither of us orgasmed (it was the most awkward sex I've ever experienced and it was the first time I'd ever been with a boy).

10. I learned a lot about the penis in college and find it very attractive (funny enough). I'm not sure if I prefer men or women at the moment, but I know I have no problem preforming oral sex for either.

11. I've become obsessed with having rough sex and would like to have more of it if I wasn't such a 'tight squeeze' (if you catch my drift), but at the moment I'd like to work on completing most of the Kama Sutra positions. I just need my boyfriend to build up some muscle so he can pick all 100lbs of me up.

12. I find almost anything 'anal' disgusting. When I was with my ex-girlfriend she was very interested in rimming and I allowed it for the most part (seeing as it felt pretty good, just a little surprising) but I was never all right with the fact that she would go down on me after rimming. I could only think of all the bacteria getting spread and would get turned off. It probably would explain some of my nasty infections as well.

13. On a side note, I'm not all right with a polyamorous relationship or the whole 'taking a break policy.' I understand that humans are polygamous as a species, but I refuse to allow my loved one to explore while they're with me. Call me selfish, but they can explore me. The last thing I need is to track dirt onto my clean carpet.

14. I would like to experiment with vibrators and other toys. Seeing as I've always loved self-stimulation and penetration, I figure it would be right up my alley. My boyfriend, on the other hand, is a typical guy and thinks his 'little guy' can do the job (and for the most part it can). I'd just like to try it once.

15. I don't know much about the rules referring to the size of a guy's penis but I have to say, my boyfriend is average and uncircumcised and I love it. Like I said, I don't know much about how a penis is supposed to be, but I find his attractive and it does the job. I'm perfectly satisfied and I think that makes him happy. Which makes me happy.

16. I sometimes wish I could express my more lesbian side. Being more heterosexual at the moment does not leave much room for expressing my more butch side. I love to wear more masculine clothing and love cutting my hair to imitate a boy's. However, being a typical boy, my significant other does not find my desire to be masculine attractive. It doesn't help that my gay friends can freely express themselves.

17. I would love to go drag-king if I could. Just for a day. I'd wear a mustache and dress in a suit with suspenders and a charming hat. It's a little off the subject but like I previously stated, I love the idea of being masculine. Sometimes when I have the opportunity and my boyfriend humors me, we switch gender roles and I comfortably assume the position as the 'guy' and he becomes the 'girl'. As long as it's not during sex, he usually doesn't mind it.

18. It seems like most of my gay/lesbian friends really hate bisexuals for the bad reputation of just gender swapping because they're horny. It's true in some cases, but not always. I find that I want to be with someone who makes me happy, gender aside. I fall in love for the person, not the gender.

19. There's also the whole 'porn' part of my life. I'm usually very satisfied with the general act of sex, but from the time I was single (three long years) I was stuck on porn to get myself off. Being the anime nerd that I was, I got into cartoon porn (all of which is very strange) and would watch it maybe four or five times a week.

20. When I wasn't watching porn, I was playing porn games. I found it stimulating and kind of fun. It was a guilty pleasure I had and when I was upset I would watch/play around with porn.

21. I eventually got to the stage of watching porn with my ex-girlfriend. Awkwardly enough, she was into gay men porn as opposed to lesbian porn whereas I was into heterosexual porn or lesbian porn (and it didn't help that real porn didn't get me off as much as cartoon porn did). I think I just liked how graphic it was.

22. I still haven't watched porn with my boyfriend, and I feel that maybe somewhere along the road I will. Still, there's the fantasy part of my life that I'd like to share with my man. The bad thing is he really doesn't have any fantasies. That poses a problem when I want to get creative for him.

23. Regardless, I have fantasies of being completely dominated, or being romanced into bed. We've done the whole shower scenario and I'm hoping that we'll just continue thinking outside of the box and the bed.

24. There's always the fact that my man gets turned on by me sucking on his fingers, where I get turned on by being kissed on the ears and neck. Really, I just want to be touched all over. I find nothing sexier than a person willing to touch. I'm a very physical being.

25. Ultimately being a physical person has caused some problems for my relationships, but luckily for me, my boyfriend doesn't seem to mind.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

1. I can’t stand labels. I don’t like to describe my sexuality in one word because I don’t associate myself with a label.

2. I am sexual. I enjoy sex. If you base sexuality on experience, you’d probably consider me straight, with lesbian fantasies/tendencies.

3. I have never told anyone about this before, but I suppose I technically lost my virginity at about 11, when my older brother wanted to play “games” with me. I don’t think of it as sex. In fact I barely remember it happening now that it’s been so long. It wasn’t a painful experience or anything like that. Just something that happened to me.

4. I am a 25 year old female, in a committed long-term relationship. It didn’t start out that way, but more about that later.

5. My first boyfriend was younger than I was, and I wasn’t particularly attracted to him. I was 17 and craved the attention of a boy as all my friends had boyfriends or at least the attentions of boys. I dated him to annoy my family as they didn’t like him and disapproved of us being together.

6. One day when we were alone together, he tried to have sex with me. I remember that his penis was really small, to the point where I wasn’t sure if he’d even entered me. At this stage I still wasn’t really aware of my sexuality, or even what it really was. I was a late bloomer I suppose.

7. We broke up not long after the above incident. It wasn’t so bad being single. I learned to love myself, to enjoy myself. I discovered Cosmo magazine and my sexuality. My mother tells me that all the women in our family have rampant libidos, and I’m no exception.

8. I enjoy talking to random people about sex online. I enjoy finding out what other people like to do, what turns them on.

9. I can be an attention-seeker sometimes. I crave sexual attention. I like to be told I am sexy, and that other people would want to have sex with me.

10. I had a drunken one-night stand with my best friend’s boyfriend. I remember a summer when he wouldn’t leave me alone. He wanted me. I told him he couldn’t have me unless he broke up with his girlfriend.

11. So he told me that he was breaking up with her. He told me he wanted me. He told me I was sexy. I gave in to temptation. I wanted him as well. It was amazing sex. We flirted for a long time after that. It never amounted to anything and for that I am actually now grateful.

12. When I met my current partner, we slept together straight away. I knew it wasn’t something most girls do but it felt right. We’ve now been together for over 4 years.

13. It took me a long time to figure out what I liked and to express what I wanted to do with my partner sexually. I remember when he introduced me to porn sites, and by seeing what others did, I soon learnt what I wanted.

14. After only knowing each other one week, he told me that he wanted me to be his girlfriend. We constantly had sex. I think I didn’t sleep for that first year of our relationship. Seriously, we were having sex at least 3 times per day/night.

15. After 6 months, we found ourselves in the circumstance of flatting together. He didn’t bring his bed with him, so we were sleeping together in my bed. Well, maybe not quite so much sleep as sex. See previous point.

16. I have a blog that documents my sex life. Whenever we have some amazing sex, I’ll sit and write about it the next day. It turns me on and turns on the people who read it and comment on it. It even turns my boyfriend on. We usually go to bed and have more hot sex after reading my blog.

17. We’ve talked about threesomes, toys, and other ideas, positions and places we’d like to try having sex. We’ve tried all but the threesomes. I think we’re more in love with the fantasy for the time being. I would love for him to tie me up and blindfold me and tease me until I beg for him to fuck me.

18. For the past 4 months, we have been doing the long-distance thing. Fortunately this makes for very hot steamy sex when we do see each other. It also makes for my imagination to come up with new fantasies.

19. When I’m horny, I’m insatiable. I can’t get enough. These are the times where my poor partner tells me to get a fuck buddy. I have actually tried to meet guys who would want to be just a fuck buddy but I think I need the deeper connection, so I’ll just put up with being horny for now.

20. When I fantasize about sex, it’s about being filled with cock that does it for me. There have been times when I’ve had fantasies about women as well. I have a certain friend who is very sexual and beautiful but the thought of getting naked with a girl scares me. Fantasies are free.

21. I don’t masturbate a lot. I find it difficult to get sexy by myself. As above, I crave a hard cock. I have toys, but I need more. I think I also prefer the interaction that sex with another person brings.

22. I masturbated earlier today and orgasmed 3 times. I suppose the toys can’t be that bad. As with number 19, I’m insatiable and still horny.

23. I just wrote in my blog about my masturbation and what I was thinking about when I did it.

24. I love to be teased. All that crazy dry-humping, groping, and kissing teenagers do. I love the feeling of being turned on.

25. Writing this did not help with my feeling horny.

Monday, June 28, 2010

1. I have identified as so many things over the course of my lifetime. First I was straight, then I discovered I liked girls, so I switched between bisexual and pansexual for a while before settling on pan.

2. I've always explained what pansexuality means to the best of my ability to those who don't know. Nevertheless, I've been considering simply identifying as queer. I've always liked that word, anyhow.

3. I first started masturbating when I was twelve or thirteen to thoughts of fictional characters.

4. Many of my crushes are fictional or otherwise unreachable.

5. My first sexual encounter was when I was fifteen. I was at my best friend's house, and her boyfriend was over. We were all watching TV, but then her boyfriend got up and left the room. I decided to take the opportunity to experiment, and by experiment, I mean groping my friend's breasts and kissing her. She was my first; I used tongue.

6. I lost my virginity to her a few weeks after she and her boyfriend broke up. I was incredibly unsure about my sexuality during this time. I didn't want to not be straight, but there she was, proving me otherwise.

7. We decided to enter an actual relationship a few months afterward. There were lots of sleepovers at her place during this period. I discovered that she had a rather high sex drive. I had lots of fun with that, especially through roleplay. This fixation on sex was one of the things that led to our breakup/downgrade to friends with benefits, as well as her discovering another guy who she felt feelings for. I have nothing against her for this.

8. Apparently, #5 and I were gay lovers in our past lives. I see no reason not to believe in that--I like the idea of being a guy, anyway.

9. On that note, I tend towards being androgyne when showing myself in public. I never wear dresses or skirts in public anymore (or, for that matter, in private).

10. I'm actually quite comfortable with being in a female body, minus the blood gushing out of my vagina every month. Despite this complacency on my part, sometimes I wish I could switch my biology out whenever I felt like it.

11. I write. I have a few characters I like to play around with. Most of them were created based on my preferences in guys and girls, both in personality and appearance.

12. I have recently discovered that I find Nazi uniforms a turn-on. I feel terrible, because: 1) I have taken a Holocaust class, and I should know better than to fetishize such a terrible regime; and 2) I wonder if it demeans my academic interest in the time period.

13. On the less controversial side of the spectrum, I have things for glasses, men with facial hair/stubble, formal wear, and strong noses. I also like mannish women (#5 fell into this catergory; her face was very square, being of Russian descent).

14. My taste in guys is much more inclusive than my taste in girls. Nevertheless, I have trouble finding people who fit the guidelines.

15. I'm currently crushing on a guy who was in my English class this past year. He fits so well into my preference for men that it's scary. I wonder if he has a thing for me.

16. I think Thom Yorke is one of the sexiest men alive. His voice is absolutely orgasmic, and his scruff, social anxiety, and short stature are incredibly cute. I underwent a period where everything I thought about had to do with him. I felt like beating myself up later on when I discovered just how creepy I was being.

17. I broke my hymen this past week with a hairbrush. Blood was all over the sheets, and I tried hiding them away without garnering my dad's suspicion, but it felt incredible. Overall, I see it as a victory.

18. Many of my sex dreams in the past have involved bestiality. I'm not sure how to feel about this.

19. My first semi-sane sex dream also occurred a week or so prior to writing this. I was being fingered by this rather androgynous-looking English girl with heavy eyeshadow and choppy, boy-short blonde hair. It switched to something less sexual a few seconds later, though. I was incredibly disappointed.

20. Most of my fantasies have centered around fictional characters. Oddly enough, the girl in my sex dream was a female version of one of these characters. This made it a lot better for me.

21. I try to keep my sex life as private as possible when it comes to my parents knowing. The last time my dad talked to me about my having sex with #5, I was so scared and vulnerable that I burst into tears and ran away.

22. Strangely enough, I can talk about sex with the people at my church a lot more easily. (I'm a Unitarian Universalist, so go figure.)

23. I find drawn porn, erotic art, and written erotica about a billion times sexier than live-action porn. I prefer slash fan-fiction and women topping over everything else.

24. One of my favorite fantasies is sitting on top of a cute virgin boy and guiding him through the motions. Conversely, I also fantasize about being held down by a handsome aristocrat and being disciplined mercilessly.

25. In the past three years, I have swung between finding sex something to be kept private and sacred and encouraging sexual openness and freedom. I've not let go of my prudish roots completely, though; you'll never find me in skimpy clothing or talking about sex in public without giggling or blushing.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

1.) I'm 24 years old, male, and a virgin. I'm not exactly ashamed of this fact, yet I sometimes worry how people will react. And at the same time, I have so many hangups about sex in general, it's just absurd.

2.) My first kiss came when I was around 6-7 years old. I was at a friend's house, and his older sister was there with her friend. My friend was around 9, and his sister was around 13 or so. She tended to be domineering and almost abusive at times, or at least that's how I remember it. Me and my friend were sitting on the floor in the room he shared with his sister, while his sister and her friend were jumping on the beds and singing along to the New Kids On The Block cover of "We Will Rock You," by Queen, playing on the stereo. His sister suddenly leapt off the bed, landed on her feet in front of me, kneeled down and kissed me rather deeply. I think she even used tongue. After perhaps 3 seconds of this kiss, she pulled away, leapt over me and went back to jumping on the beds. I remember not knowing what exactly she had just done, until years later when I thought back on it and realized she'd kissed me. My friend told me a few years back that she had a big crush on me, despite our age difference, but there was no way I would've noticed.

3.) My first actual sexual experience came when I was about 8 years old, with my 6 year old female cousin. My memories are a bit foggy, but I remember us playing Truth Or Dare, and either she or I dared the other to show them their 'equipment.' It mostly progressed from there. The second or third time we played after this, I think I dared her to rub my... parts... with hers. She did so, and I remember it felt so good that my eyes rolled back in my head.

4.) We continued messing around like this for what feels like ages in my mind, but which was probably just a few months. First rubbing one another with our hands, to actually touching our genitals together more and rubbing that way. I thought we were actually having sex at the time, and put a stop to it after hearing of AIDS for the first time, completely ignorant not only of the fact that we weren't actually doing it, but that there was no risk of HIV or any other STDs involved. I actually believed just having sex at all could get you infected with HIV, and was terrified.

5.) I guess I learned the truth eventually, and stopped fearing catching HIV from innocent experimentation. My cousin moved, and perhaps a year later, my next experience was with a male friend of mine, who was my best friend at the time. My memory is a tad foggy, but I think it mostly consisted of the same activities I engaged in with my cousin. I remember he didn't seem too weirded out by what we did, or really to even take much notice of it at all. I also remember one incident of him being at my house, the two of us being alone together, and me trying to get him to come to my room so we could mess around, but he was too interested in some show that was on TV. I remember being irritated by this.

6.) I only had a few dating experiences in school. My first came when I was 10 years old or so, and we had our first dance. A girl I was acquaintances with apparently had been dropping hints for a month that she wanted me to ask her, but I was still a little boy playing with Power Rangers and such, so I didn't notice. She eventually asked me out herself, and I accepted. Shortly after this, a rather bitchy female classmate and her group of friends went around asking everyone if they were going to the dance, and who they were going with. They badgered me until I told them who had asked me out. They went to ask her, she denied it, and the bitchy girl and her friends proceeded to follow me around the playground, verbally abusing me, with the bitchy girl ending it by stepping forward and calling me a pathetic loser for lying, and declaring that I would die alone. The girl who asked me out came to talk to me after this, and said I shouldn't tell people we were going out or anything. The next day she dumped me and went to the dance with another boy instead.

7.) The first time I masturbated came when I was around 11 years old. I can't quite remember how I discovered it, I just remember noticing how good it felt to rub myself against a pillow. After a few tries of this, achieving only stimulation and not orgasm, I discovered the usual method of masturbation on my own, and had my first orgasm. I remember not knowing what the hell I just did, but at least I didn't feel ashamed or afraid of it. I masturbated for years, but didn't ejaculate until I was 13 or so. By this point, I knew enough to know what it was.

8.) My next sexual experience or experimentation came when I was around 12-13 years old. This time it was more experimenting, again, with a male friend. It was a lot of the same as above, except this time we experimented with oral. I feel kind of bad in that he went down on me and it felt unbelievable (I didn't quite come, though)... yet I absolutely could not bring myself to reciprocate. Because of this, we eventually slowed down on messing around, until we stopped completely. Unlike my previous experience with a male friend, we wouldn't talk about the times we'd mess around, and both of us felt fairly ashamed afterward.

9.) In one of the final times we messed around, he came up with the idea that we could try it at the same time, so neither of us could chicken out. This didn't work out so well, since we would mess around in a camper with two bed... cushion thingies. The cushion/bed things were small for ONE person, so when we tried, we ended up just... kind of diddling each other for a few seconds before realizing it wasn't going to work. I think that was the last time we did anything, though we stayed friends and hung out until high school, when we drifted apart.

10.) The second out of my 3 attempts at any form of dating came when I was 15 or so. There was a girl who was 2-3 years older than me that I'd known since I was 11 or so, and who I learned later had a crush on me. The details are murky in my mind, but I made an off-hand comment to a friend about she and I dating, and she confronted me about it, asking if I actually did want to go out with her. I agreed, and so it was. The problem then came with another male friend mocking me endlessly about it, to the point that within the remaining 2 hours left before school let out, I panicked. I talked to her before heading home and said I had to break things off, I didn't think I was ready for a relationship or anything. She seemed okay with it.

11.) My third and final attempt at anything resembling dating came when I met a girl online who lived in Tennessee. I was 16 years old, she was about 22 or 23. We seemed to take to each other right away, and progressed quickly to talking on the phone and sending birthday and Christmas gifts to each other in the mail. The plan was for me to go meet her when I turned 18. Things were honestly okay for about a year or so of this, and then she just started messing with me. Playing little mind games, forcing me to admit embarrassing things (some of which I've related here), and then being almost mocking to me about it, before finally, when I was 4-5 months from turning 18, she told me suddenly that she'd met a guy she likes where she lives, that she was breaking up with me, and then ceased all contact with me whatsoever. Though we never met in person, the havoc she wreaked on my emotions and mental state is still with me to this day. This, coupled with my treatment at the hands of the bitchy girls the first time I tried dating is likely why I am as repressed as I am.

12.) Ever since the above experience, I have a tendency to be afraid of girls I develop feelings for, rather than wanting to be around them. I can't quite explain it, but I find myself illogically nervous and even panicky at the prospect of being near them. I had a female friend I grew rather fond of in my senior year, and we took to talking to each other on the phone for a while during the last few months of school. And I found that when it got to be the time she'd call, I'd throw myself into a near panic and once or twice I pretended not to be home, because I was too scared to talk to her. I don't know why.

13.) As for the girl above... I've had feelings for a handful of girls in my life, but I've only felt actual DESIRE just once. And that was with her. Though I was afraid to be near her, and her calls alone made me nervous, I longed to kiss her, to caress her breasts, to feel our naked bodies pressed together, to fall asleep in each other's arms. And I even entertained thoughts of us losing our virginity to each other, even if I could never in a million years admit this to her. We fell out of contact for a while after senior year, and I learned from a friend that shortly after the year ended, she got serious with a mutual male friend of ours, and lost her virginity to him. The absolute, searing agony I felt in my heart at this news is indescribable. I hope like hell I never feel it again. We got back in contact for a few months after this, but fell out of contact once more eventually. She had managed to figure out my feelings for her at this point, but I never truly got up the guts to ask her out. After learning she'd given herself to another guy(who then proceeded to cheat on her with the school whore), I felt like I couldn't approach her with the feelings I had. Like she'd look at me like some silly boy. I didn't say it was logical. To this day, I've never felt that level of desire and yearning for another girl, and I doubt I ever will.

14.) The closest I came to the above again was from another female friend who apparently had a thing for me since junior high. There's only been a small handful of girls in my life who have had crushes on me, and I'm not sure why they did. In the case of this friend, we got to know each other better in the years after high school, and during an instant messenger conversation, she claimed she'd always fantasized about losing her virginity to me. At the time she was still 17, and I'd just turned 19. I wasn't sure how to react to this information, and she proposed we get together over the weekend, and deflower each other. I don't know what possessed me to agree to this, as I see so clearly now what a bad idea this was, but I agreed. Long story short, she got cold feet, stood me up, lied to me about even asking me in the first place(she claimed a friend was signed in as her and said it as a joke), and went out with another guy the next day. Not too long after this, she lost her virginity to another guy, got married to him, and they have kids now. It was around this time that, consciously or not, I withdrew and gave up on trying to get close to girls at all.

15.) The above encompasses the entirety of my sexual and relationship experience in my life thus far. As horny and experimental as I was when I was younger, I'm completely timid and terrified of sex now. It doesn't have to do with the mechanics of it, so much as the closeness. Once I was old enough to see it as potentially more than just two people having fun, it began to terrify me. I may never understand why, but as far as I can tell, it's the concept of letting someone get that close to me. Of them seeing me naked, knowing what gets me off, knowing fantasies I have, etc. I tend to be fairly solitary, and it just weirds me out to think about.

16.) Though two of the three people I've experimented with in my life were boys, I don't identify as gay, and am not the least bit attracted to men... yet sometimes I still masturbate when I think back on my gay experimentations when I was 12 or 13.

17.) Despite participating in it when I was younger, I'm completely put off by oral sex. Either giving or receiving. When it comes to receiving, I feel like I'd be imposing on the woman somehow, making her do some nasty thing just to get me off. In terms of giving it... I remember the "WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST *DO*?!" feeling I got after my male friend went down on me, and thinking of going down on a girl feels similar. I also feel like she'd look down on me afterwards, because she got me to do something that I find so disturbing, even if I know the girl would never think of me like that. I fully realize this kind of hang-up is usually something girls feel about giving oral to guys when they haven't tried it before, and not a lot of girls would look down on a guy like that. It's just another way that I'm weird.

18.) There are a few things I know there's no way I'd try, even if I were to open up and be more sexual. One of them is the whole money-shot-to-the-face thing. I don't see the appeal at all, and if it happens in porn I'm watching, it's a complete turnoff.

19.) Ass-to-mouth is another complete turn-off for me, and something you absolutely could not pay me to try, giving or receiving. Pretty much everything involving the anus is completely off-limits for me... yet I will admit to experimenting a few times when I was younger, trying to achieve the powerful orgasm that's supposed to result from stimulation of the prostate. I was never successful and always felt a bit like a freak for trying.

20.) I sometimes find I enjoy hentai and such more than porn with real actors. I'm not entirely sure why, but I think somehow knowing that the girls in hentai aren't real is sometimes more appealing to me. There's this illogical feeling I get, that the girls in porn with real people are looking at me and thinking "NAUGHTY BOY, I SEE YOU." Again, I'm a damned weirdo.

21.) While I sometimes enjoy hentai more than normal porn, there are limits. Too often, hentai seems to have a lot of jizz-drenched scenes, and that's a complete turn-off for me. As a rule, I pretty much don't want to see jizz, ever. Be it on a girl's face, splattered all over the place, or even the puddles of it that are left behind in a lot of hentai scenes. It just squicks me out.

22.) Of hentai, I enjoy 'straight shota' the most. As in, younger male with older female. A lot of people look down on anyone who enjoys shota, thinking they're getting off on the drawn image of the naked little boy or something. In my case, as with a lot of others, we're imagining we ARE the boy. This plays into one of my recurring fantasies, of being a boy of around 12-14, who is seduced by an older woman; from an older classmate all the way up to a middle-aged teacher.

23.) I sometimes realize I have a rather large number of fantasies or scenarios I use when I do masturbate or just let my mind wander, yet I'm absolutely terrified at the prospect of voicing any of them to anyone I know, and I'd probably have a heart attack if any attractive girl ever offered to act any of them out with me.

24.) Though I am still a virgin, I have enough knowledge about anatomy and sexuality that I sometimes surprise people that know me. People expect virgins to be completely clueless, but I know just about everything there is to know, stopping just short of the actual act itself. In high school, I even knew more about female anatomy and the mechanics of sex than my friends who had already started doing it.

25.) Most people would claim to be 'too old' to date when middle-aged or older, but... my feeling now is that indeed I am too old to start seriously trying to date. My self-esteem has never been high, and in terms of body image, I find myself repulsive, and couldn't fathom any woman being attracted to me. Besides this, I also feel that no woman my age would feel like wasting time on a virgin. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know. But that's pretty much how I feel.