Friday, November 23, 2012

1. I am a 29-year-old man. I mostly identify as male, but I don't agree with the standard behaviors expected from men (aggressiveness, initiative, dominance, etc.)

2. I am platonically attracted to women and physically attracted to men.

3. I was a virgin until age 28, when a stranger I met in a bus crossed my gaze and, after many hidden bumps and touches, gave me his number. When I went to his apartment, I insisted (perhaps too many times) that I didn't want anything anal, and he accepted it. I consider myself lucky that my first time was with someone who treated me with gentleness and respect. We haven't seen each other since.

4. When my older brother went through puberty, his body turned considerably uglier in my eyes, and I was terrified that the same would happen to me. I was revolted by my own puberty until I finally noticed that my body was not doomed to mimic his. I'm more or less glad with how it turned out.

5. I would like more chest hair, though. I have a fair amount, but I'd like lots more.

6. Women wearing a tie look extremely sexy to me. In fact, I think I like drag kings.

7. Contrary to what my friends may think, I very much do really badly want to have sex. It's just that I never learned how to get it. I'm afraid I never will.

8. I don't think I would enjoy pain in any form.

9. As a kid I would envy my sister's dolls. My mother let me play with them once, but I felt there was something very wrong about it. I dared not do it again.

10. My mother always chastised me when I didn't walk "manly" enough.

11. I remember some moments as a child when I felt I'd like to be a girl. Today I still see women as the luckier ones in this world.

12. I liked the smell of my mother's lipstick. I would put it under my nose and breathe for several seconds, afraid that my mother would find me and mistakenly conclude that I was about to put it on.

13. Two or three times I have tried to let my hair grow to my shoulders, but I've never been able to learn how to comb and style it properly.

14. I get idiotically nervous around beautiful women. And men, but they don't seem to notice.

15. I don't watch pornography. Sometimes I masturbate to photos of athletes or actors, but that's about it. I strongly dislike anything more hardcore than that.

16. My nipples are the center of the universe. Touch them and I'm yours.

17. I began masturbating at age 9, even before I had erections. I rubbed my penis against the inside of my underpants, and I remember perfectly the surprise and puzzlement of my first orgasm.

18. When I started to have erections, I had to explore different masturbation methods. My orgasms began to function very differently from that moment, even though I still couldn't ejaculate.

19. I never had wet dreams. My first ejaculation was during masturbation, at age 12.

20. I've never felt comfortable exposing my body. I choose shirts long enough to avoid revealing any portion of my belly when I stretch. As a child I would do everything to avoid going shirtless.

21. A couple times, during a shower, I suppose around age 20, I put my finger inside my anus. I didn't like or dislike it; it was just a foreign object that was doing nothing there. I tried to feel for my prostate, but nothing happened. That was the end of my anal explorations.

22. Only very few times, with great concentration and effort, have I been able to masturbate and have an orgasm without touching my penis.

23. As a teenager I often ate my own semen, mainly to leave no evidence.

24. I am very glad to be uncircumcised.

25. I fear I'll not find a life mate. I don't feel attractive enough, though both male and female friends have tried to convince me that I'm quite good-looking. But it doesn't seem enough.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

we're back!

Hi, devoted readers. Sorry it's been a few months since the last post here. We're back up and running, though, and there should be posts every few days for a bit.

Also, if you haven't sent us your list yet, this would be a great time to do so! (And spread the word about the site!)
1. I'm pansexual, an equal opportunist, though I don't believe "gender doesn't matter." It does matter-- it just matters less than the soul; and it is something to play with, not a restriction. I'm female-but-genderfluid.

2. My first and most powerful attractions were to beautiful, feminine men. I still hope I will find one someday; most male androgynes I've met are gay.

3. Regardless,  I find many more women than men attractive in both a physical and personal dimension. Walking down the street is overwhelming.

4. Somehow, I am still effectively equal-opportunity: this makes the fewer men I find attractive stand out all the more. Which, on top of sheer numbers, is possibly the reason that my three major relationships have been with men.

5. Those relationships have overlapped. I'm polyamorous. I'm still with the person to whom I lost my virginity.

6. I find roping girls arduous. I have casual sex with them, but I've never had a girlfriend, to my immeasurable disappointment.

7. With all sexes, I am profoundly gynocentric. I like cocks a lot, but sex, to me, is about vaginas. Mine or other people's, it doesn't matter which. Sex with men is about the cock's reaction to a vagina. I can't fathom finding my own pussy disgusting-- I'm honestly a bit sad for the women who do. I relish my body and what it does for me. (This is speaking generally, of course. I'm sure I'd have no problem having sex with an attractive transgendered person if the opportunity arose.)

8. Perhaps related: I have dominant tendencies. I feel most feminine when I am dominant. I think this is because, after a lifetime of encouragement to subsume my desires, I relish expressing them. That and I like to make someone feel... perhaps “objectified” is not the word: I mean something more like “cherished.” But with a harsh edge to it. I don't feel much in common with the BDSM scene-- this dominance doesn't have anything to do with a fetish for latex, feet, or degradation-by-feminizing men (which is honestly insulting to me).

9. If you burrow under the strata of my generosity, absentmindedness, and generally friendly disposition, you'll find an insane sexual sadist in me. Drawing blood turns me on. I have never acted on those desires.

10. A lot of women are submissive; and some resent me because I'm more dominant. If I'm honest, their sexuality skeeves me out as well, but ultimately I blame fucked-up gender dynamics for that reaction. Obviously there's nothing wrong with what they want, or what I want.

11. Though if one of my boyfriends wanted to tie me up, I think I might be amenable to that as long as it were an exercise in trust and love and I weren't made to feel submissive.

12. My masculine side wants to be gallant, heroic, boyish, rakish. One of my long-term fantasies is the elegant older woman and the pageboy (with me in the latter role, of course).

13. One of my boyfriends goes well out of his way to acknowledge and respect the genderqueer side of me, despite being hetero, and I am so, so grateful to him.

14. Gynocentric as I am, I still love strap-on play-- with women, but also with straight men. It's intoxicating to see a man orgasm in that position.

15. I was raised religiously with a powerful sense of how sexist the world can be. Becoming comfortable with my sexuality has taken time. When I was masturbating as a teenager, the idea of sex with the man behind me was repulsive: it felt degrading. When I tried it, though, it felt natural, and of course quite pleasurable. There have been a lot of incidents like that, but occasionally I'll try something that sounds iffy to me and freak out afterwards. I still can't give a guy head when he's towering over me, and I would probably stop altogether if he tried to face-fuck me (none of my boyfriends have tried it, thank god).

16. This is also so odd given what I've said, but one of my oldest recurring fantasies involves imagining myself in the male role of sex, both with other men and women.

17. I'd absolutely love to dominate a pair of bisexual (or bi/homo-curious) men. One of my favorite bits of porn features this, and it was incredibly heartening to see how many gay dudes responded favorably to it.

18. I'm becoming sad about my age, though I'm still in my twenties. As a woman, I feel as though I have a hard expiration date, and I resent the fact that I was most desired when I was jailbait and vulnerable and so, so much less knowledgeable about who I am, what I want, and how to get it.

19. I'm afraid of sex losing its novelty. In long-term relationships, I'd prefer to only have sex two or three times a week, though I have the appetite for more. A sense of anticipation is an amazing aphrodisiac, but I don't want to be howling at the moon every night.

20. The idea of actively desiring someone, as a female, is important to me. So much of the way we think of female desire is desire as the result of being desired by men, if that makes any sense, and I can't stand it. I actively lust after people, and after sex.

21. The loss of my libido I experienced while taking birth control fucked with me (ironic pun intended). I was on it for a year and a half and in that half, my sex drive died. It felt as though a part of me was lost. To regain it I changed my diet, began lifting, and began manipulating my hormones through nutrition and supplements. I've regained my old libido and then some (and now I can manipulate it!).

22. Masturbation is an important part of my sexual life and sexual exploration, but I can't help but hate a lot of porn. I know much of it is harmless, but each of my boyfriends have had sex problems as the result of it,  and I can't help but resent the rotating cast of skinny white 18 -year-olds that makes up so much of the porn roster. I just wish that     more realistic and inventive porn were more popular.

23. That said, I totally consume porn, both video and in the form of dirty fanfic, haha. I don't have anything against it on principle.

24. I do like vanilla heterosexual sex quite a lot. It's odd: I love the drama of heterosexual sex, the anticipation of penetration, the reverence I get, how vulnerable men are. But with women I feel more myself, and I feel that fucking gender is less dangerous. With men, there is always the risk of emasculation. I hate the whole phenomenon of emasculation-- I hate the inherent sexism of it-- but I also love and respect the boys I've been with and have no desire to damage their pride. They can't help that they were raised with certain expectations.

25. I guess that's why I want a feminine boy sometime. I want an ultimate triumph over gender. I want someone as fluid as I am.