Friday, February 20, 2009

1. I have to start out by saying that I am a virgin. This fact may or may not inhibit my ability to come up with another 24 items, since this particular one seems to be the one that dominates my life.
2. Because I am a virgin, every time I'm around a bunch of folks who start talking about sex, I start to panic. I'm a bad liar. I can't fake my way through a conversation about sex, but I don't want to come right out and tell folks that I've never been with anyone before. It's just mortifying.
3. My mother caught me masturbating as a kid. As a result, I feel guilty each and every time I masturbate. Even saying "I Masturbate" makes me want to throw up a little.
4. I have a lot of guilt and fear around sexuality and relationships. I'm not exactly sure where it comes from, but it's incredibly debilitating. However, the thought of going to a therapist really bothers me.
5. I have only had one real relationship. It lasted less than two months. It was with a guy who broke up with me via text message in the middle of the night and followed up the next day by telling me that he felt like he'd be faking it the whole time. After we broke up, I couldn't even muster a crush on anyone for a long time. I felt pretty much useless when it came to sex and relationships. It wasn't until very recently that I felt like I was interested in anyone again. It had been almost 2 years.
6. My first kiss was when I was 17 years old. It was on my mother's birthday. It was with the guy who worked the counter at my local comic shop. Nerd for life!
7. I have a love/hate relationship with my boobs. They're on the big side, so there are benefits; but I hate my nipples. Also I wish that I could wear any old dress or shirt that I wanted instead of wagering on whether or not it will look like I'm smothering a small animal under my shirt.
8. I get crushes on girls, but much like my crushes on boys, I avoid actual intimate interaction like the plague.
9. That said, I'm not sure if I'd ever actually like to be with a girl sexually or if I'm actually just enamored with the idea of bisexuality. I can't really quite gauge where I am on the Kinsey scale....but I'd like to think I'd be open to finding out.
10. I used to worry that maybe I was asexual.
11. I don't think I'm actually asexual, I just think I'm functionally retarded when it comes to intimacy.
12. I worry that because I have never been in love inside a relationship, that all the romantic love I ever feel is completely invalid. This fact depresses me as I am perhaps not-so-secretly a romantic. Can a person be in love with another person if their love is not reciprocated? I sincerely hope so.
13. I rarely have sex dreams.
14. I recently bought a vibrator. I am still embarrassed.
15. I sometimes fantasize about asking a friend to deflower me so that I can just get it over with. I'm not sure if that's the best idea, but sometimes I think that a lot of my problems with intimacy stem from the fact that I'm scared of having to disclose my virginity. How the hell do you ask a friend to deflower you?!?!
16. I still feel fairly sexual despite all my neurosis and issues. I think I'd be a good partner....eventually.
17. I will never ever be comfortable enough with my body to get a Brazilian wax. I don't care that much about body hair. It's weird to imagine some stranger ripping hair off your nether regions.
18. When I was a kid, I used to go to slumber parties where the girls would kiss girls (under the guise of getting ready to kiss REAL boys someday) and play fairly sexual games with each other....I'm not sure if we were freaks or if all kids do this.
19. My first sexual crush was Dan Aykroyd. Or maybe Gene Wilder. Or Jeff Goldblum. One of those guys. I had VERY mature taste for kid. Or maybe I just liked to laugh.
20. I have a bad habit of falling deep into crush with my close male friends.
21. I sometimes wonder if I'm suppressing memories of some sexual abuse, since I have such issues with sex and sexuality, but I don't have any proof or memory thereof, so I pretty much stop there.
22. I have only kissed 3 boys. And out of those three lucky fellas, only one of them I kissed more than once.
23. I hate it when people tell me I'm lucky to be single. What do they know about being single??? I am the expert on single. It sucks.
24. Whenever guys hit on me, I'm immediately suspicious of them. Are they playing a joke on me? Do they have some chubby girl fetish? Or perhaps are they just that desperate? I fear that I might never want anyone who might want me.
25. Penises freak me out. There, I said it.
1) I didn't have intercourse til I was 23

2) but I did anal at 22

3) and had lesbian sex at 20

4) I first had an orgasm when I was 5 in a bathtub

5) a famous rockstar once went down on me

6) when I was in high school I didn't have any dildos so I would improvise with magic markers and cucumbers

7) I once went to a BDSM club

8) and got fingered by the guy who ran it

9) I met a UN diplomat at that BDSM club and we would see each other on occasion

10) the biggest turnoff for me is a guy who doesn't cuddle

11) I don't think I know how to give a good blowjob

12) I used to think I might be a lesbian because I was scared of dick..... but now I love it

13) my form of birth control with my boyfriend of several years was throwing a condom on a minute before he was about to come, and it worked

14) I am totally neurotic about STDs

15) I had a girlfriend for 4 months in college

16) and I cried for weeks when she broke up with me

17) I once watched two people fuck via craigslist

18) when I watched them fuck my main reaction was that I was sad that I didn't have a boyfriend

19) I like guys who went to good colleges

20) making out is my favorite hobby

21) I was raised to wait until marriage for sex, and if I didn't, no one would want to marry me

22) I once had 2 guys suck my feet at the same time, but it didn't really do anything for me

23) I've never swallowed cum

24) I went to a bar mitzvah when I was 12 and they had free tampons in the bathroom. I put the whole stick in, just for fun. I wanted to know what tampons were like.

25) one of the most fun things I ever did was have this hot guy hold me down naked while I tried to escape

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

1.I got hired as a dominatrix once but failed ever having any customers.

2.I'm submissive.

3.When my first boyfriend admitted to cheating on me it really turned me on and I realized I was not monogamous.

4.I had my first threesome with my best friend and her ex. We were about 18 years old and it was the most gentle and loving experience.

5.Unfortunately, I haven't had group sex in years.

6.I had my first unintentional orgasm when I was 11 while playing with my pet bird, a budgie.

7.Most of my early masturbation fantasies were rape scenes as part of religious rituals, sometimes including large furry beasts.

8.I like to imagine kissing someone for the first time.

9.I would like to have oral and anal sex before having ever kissed that someone.

10.I love piercings, and the process of getting pierced. I am terrified before it happens with cold sweat of panic. During the actual piercing, I scream. Then, I get an instant rush and stay high
for the rest of the day.

11.I prefer piercings for reasons of sex rather than body decoration. Facial piercings don't interest me. I recently got my tongue pierced because I ran out of space elsewhere.

12.I love any kind of consensual bdsm.

13.I am big time into committed relationships.

14.I worked at a sex shop for quite a while and got a very good discount. It kept my friends really relaxed. I must say though, the vibrator orgasm is not my favorite.

15.I do regard lube an essential of any good household and I am particularly fond of light, silicone based lube.

16.There's too much taboo around sex toys for men.

17.My most romantic shopping date was for a flogger. We bought it with my uncle's wedding money.

18.It's also fun to go on a date and declare a normal shop your sex shop.

19.I may get a bit bored by receiving oral sex, but love giving it.

20.Growing up, sex was never talked about in my family, neither in the open nor in the repressed way. That's why sex was one of the possibilities of finding and expressing my own identity.

21.I keep being surprised by how prude artists are.

22.Eyeball licking is so strange!

23.I once came by licking toes in Greece.

24.Clearly, geeks are the best lovers.

25.Animals are very sexy, very, but I do keep it a fantasy, I promise.

Monday, February 16, 2009

1. I was the only virgin in my senior class in high school. I'm sure about this because there were only 15 people in my class and they'd all fucked each other. Of course, I was the exception to this circle jerk.
2. On that note, I had to move to Seattle and hook up with a guy in order to lose said virginity. I met him through a classified ad in Maximumrocknroll.
3. In college, I was watching the movie Henry and June with a very gay male friend and we wound up making out. We were both so embarrassed that we never talked about it.
4. Marriage does strange things to one's libido.
5. I'm pretty hetero, but when I become friends with women who are gay or bi, I inevitably get crushes on them.
6. The men I'm physically attracted to fall into two categories: fey, effeminate skinny types (Bowie, Lord Byron) or super manly men (The Rock, Clive Owen).
7. I'm not a prude, but I dislike talking about my sex life, even in therapy. I was raised in a household where sex and sexual issues were taboo even though my folks walked around naked and had five kids. That contrast is probably a big part of the reason I find it embarrassing to discuss sex.
8. At the age of thirteen, I sprouted a rather impressive pair of 34DD breasts that are, to this day, my primary sexual characteristic. Nonetheless, I dislike having my boobs touched/fondled. It's like going for the most obvious thing first.
9. The men I'm mentally attracted to tend to be super smart, super nerdy, and are usually not interested in me at all.
10. Aside from the big boobs, I also have what some people have rudely referred to as "a butt like a black girl" or "an ass you can see from outer space."
11. R. Crumb once chased me around a room, but I did not give him a piggyback ride.
12. If I'm honest about it, I'm a little submissive. Okay, a lot.
13. Nonetheless, I'm aggressive about pursuing people I'm attracted to. Not stalkerish, but blunt.
14. I worked as a nude model for a photographer when I was very underaged (hello, lawsuit). I wound up making out with him, although he was older and married, but to his credit he was pretty squicked out by the whole thing (as am I, thinking back on it).
15. I also worked very briefly (for two nights) at a strip club.
16. I've had sex with somewhere between twenty and thirty people. This seems like a modest number to me, but then again I live in a very sexually permissive part of the world.
17. It has occurred to me that I may be the only woman in the world who dislikes both extended foreplay and chocolate. Sometimes this makes me suspect I was born with a dick and balls that haven't descended yet.
18. Porn is whatever. Politically, I do have some issues with it, but it serves its purpose and people are welcome to it.
19. I'm kind of anti romantic. It's pointless to try and seduce me in any of the cliched ways. Write me something, a song, a letter, a poem, a note, you name it, and I'm yours.
20. Once, I got involved in a threesome and it was the silliest experience I've ever had. In retrospect, I just laugh and laugh about it. That may be because it involved me, another girl, and a guy. Why don't threesomes ever consist of two guys and a girl?
21. Sometimes when I'm giving readings, I inadvertently rest my boobs on the podium/table (see item 8; they weigh a ton), not realizing what's going on. Once I did this in front of my friend's dad. We were about fourteen, and she never forgave me.
22. I would really like it if someone had a crush on me. It's been years. My husband says guys check me out a lot, but I'm so clueless about these things. It's kind of a turn on just knowing someone likes you, and it doesn't have to go any further than that.
23. Although I do find them terribly attractive, there's something weird about the idea of the Obamas having sex in the White House.
24. Bondage, sex toys, dressing up in outfits and so on do nothing for me. Give me straight ahead fucking and I'm good. If you like that stuff, great, but I just start giggling.
25. My first sexual crush ever was on Mr. Spock from Star Trek.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

1. Many people have tried to convince me that I am gay. I tried it out just so I could be sure. I'm not.
2. I learned how to masturbate by reading "The Color Purple". I was 13.
3. I once kept a totally psychotic boyfriend around because he was incredible in bed. I've broken up with others quickly for being bad in bed.
4. When I am not in a relationship, I no longer pursue recreational sex. I'd rather be celibate
5. When I am celibate, I do not masturbate or think about sex, except when I'm asleep.
6. The first time I touched a penis, I was horrified. My boyfriend, a repressed Catholic, seemed to think there was something awful about it. We broke up soon thereafter.
7. I will never have anal sex. Ever. A chronic condition and surgery has made that impossibly painful.
8. I would like to be a man for a day so that I could use my actual penis to fuck an actual woman. Strap on doesn't cut it.
9. I do not own a single sex toy. Mainly because I choose to be celibate between relationships and my boyfriends have been pretty vanilla.
10. When I was a child, before I knew what masturbation was, I used to fantasize about being held prisoner by boys in my class and having my genitals 'tickled'. I was in the third grade.
11. The first time I kissed a boy, I felt so humiliated I carved a cross into my arm with a needle. I'm not Christian.
12. The first time I kissed a boy, he was so drunk and high that I thought I was only attractive if boys were drunk and high when they were with me. He was so sloppy that he sucked all the paint off my wooden necklace. PS - he liked my friend, not me. To this day I get queasy if I find out my quarry has an intimate relationship with substances.
13. The last time I fooled around with my married boyfriend, he told me that seeing me kept him from seeing prostitutes. He just lost his privileges.
14. In general, I avoid married men like the plague, although that's primarily who I attract these days. Note to married guy: I don't care how great the sex sounds, unless you are planning to buy me a car, I'll pass.
15. When I am in a relationship, I need to have sex all the time, four or five times a day if possible. When I am single, I don't miss it at all.
16. I write down the name and month and year of every sexual liaison I have had, going back to my first kiss. I figure my memory will go bad and it will be a fun reminder of the people I experienced.
17. Though many of my masturbation fantasies revolve around exhibitionism and group sex, I never want to experience either. Not for me.
18. To this day, if I think of a boy I met when I was 14 who stalked me while on a ski trip, I get sick to my stomach. It was just another experience that made sex and sexuality seem like a strange, alien thing,
19. For nearly 4 months, I met up with an engaged guy at my work for "peaches" in the walk-in cooler at my job. He performed the services. I never reciprocated. I never felt that this was wrong. When he finally asked for sex, I stopped talking to him.
20. I'd rather eat a great meal than have great sex.
21. The always try to have at least 2 night stands. You get to explore more than 1 night stands, and understand if you are really missing something.
22. One reason I have avoided recreational sex is that I finally recognize that my emotions and hormones overpower my rational mind and I end up dating people who I should have just screwed and kissed goodbye.
23. I (obviously) do not express myself through my sexuality. And there's nothing wrong with that.
24. I used to masturbate with a lacrosse ball. Back in high school. It was my practice ball. For lacrosse.
25. As long as I still have the senses of taste and sight, if I never had sex again, I'd be sad but I'd be okay.
1. my first orgasm was when i was about 8 years old, and it scared the crap out of me, kind of literally. i was at a friend's house, in the 70's and going "number 2" and it was a really hard one to get out, so i was squeezing my legs together a lot, kind of pushing (while looking at cheezy sexual representations of the astrological signs on the wallpaper) and i felt "that feeling" between my legs, but i didn't know what it was. i kept pumping, long after the poop passed, until something happened, but it wasn't pee and i didn't know what it was. when i was done, i went to the kitchen, where my friends parents were and told them what had happened, and everyone laughed. i was hurt and embarrassed, but now i get it.

2. i can still make myself cum better than almost any lover i've ever had. almost.

3. as a child, i was a victim of incest. in a coat closet at a family reunion. as a teenager i was stalked and violently raped at gunpoint in my own bed by a "stranger." he was black and i never saw his face, only his hands. it took me forever to be able to have sex face-down again, but it really is my favorite. i still can't have sex with a black man because their hands freak me out, and i don't think i have ever hung up a coat in a coat closet.

4. i consider myself straight even though i really love having sex with women. they are so delicious and soft and responsive and yummy. but i have never felt that romantic "coupling" feeling for a woman, so that's why i consider myself straight. that, and i really like cocks, the kind with nerve endings, not batteries.

5. that said, i love toys. and just about anything is pervertable. i swear, every time i see a new object, room, view, (person,) i wonder what sex would be like with it. sometimes i crack myself up that way, other times i gross myself out, but mostly it's just me. everything gets back to sex.

6. i loathe pubic hair. on men or women. i'll do just about anything sexually, except pubic hair.

7. i absolutely cannot stand people who define themselves by their sexuality and want to talk about it and their sexual revelations and what they mean and how it relates to the meaning of life and how society needs to be restructured to meet the needs of their fragile fucking psyches. blah blah blah. i am not your therapist.

8. i "really" lost my virginity between my sophomore and junior years in high school. i was 15, he was 25 and knew what he was doing. i came twice. it was many many many years before i had another lover who could make me cum.

9. when i masturbate or just fantasize about sex, it's usually group settings. i like having lots and lots of people fucking around me, and love the idea of being blindfolded while one person after another eats me out. my favorite fantasies (and real life adventures) are usually FFM threesomes. there's something about everyone serving and being served that seems so nice and tidy, like a perfect circle.

10. i am ridiculously noisy. so when i MUST be quiet, the sheer acting of having to be quiet actually turns me on because it's such a boundary pusher for me.

11. i used to feel like a freak because i liked sex so much. then i found people who admit to liking it as much as i do. now i'm amongst the most "vanilla" of my social circle, which is funny to me.

12. as a mother, i really hope that i can help my daughter feel comfortable in her own sexuality, whatever that is, because i truly believe that if your sexual identify is out of whack or unfulfilled, it's hard to get the rest of your life straightened out. that said, the idea of her having sex makes me want to vomit almost as much as the idea of either of my parents having sex.

13. my father is gay, so i've been raised around sexual openness and the "alt" lifestyle for as long as i can remember. that, and my mother is a slut, but the lying kind, not the ethical kind.

14. i really love my body. sometimes i just look at it and marvel. wow. we've done some cool stuff together.

15. i love porn. well, i love the idea of porn, but am amazed how many fake boobs there are out there, and guys who leave their gym socks and sneakers on while getting a blow job. really? so i just watch the free stuff, i've never paid for it, doubt i ever will, but i would like to build the ultimate porn site.

16. i do not like gender bending boys. don't know why. gender bending girls turn me on.

17. i fucking love to be restrained.

18. as much as i love sex, i pretty much can't do it without an emotional connection. (except at play parties.) so, even though i picture myself in lots of crazy situations as some sort of sexual diva with lovers surrounding me and serving me, the truth is, if my heart isn't in it, it wont' happen. i like the love and trust part. that's pretty sacred with me. even casual sex, with me, has to be with people i like.

19. i am absurdly picky, i know that Seinfeld said 95% of the population is undatable, i think it's more like 99%.

20. i used to be able to orgasm just from nipple play, which is crazy.

21. i almost had an orgasm recently just from giving a blow job, which i would have thought was impossible if i hadn't felt it myself, now i want to see if i can get there.

22. when i invite a third party into the bed i share with my partner, i want them gone when we're done. no breakfast, no nothing.

24. i've never been with a guy who wanted to be on the receiving end of a strap-on, and i'm kinda glad because i don't "get it." but at the same time, i feel like it's this act that i'm being denied, and i dont' like being denied, so i want to do it, even though i don't think it turns me on.

25. i am very very very very curious about other people's sexuality. not in a judgmental way, but pretty much nothing fascinates me like the spectrum of human sexuality and activity. i studied the porn industry in college, getting an anthropology degree, and regret that i didn't pursue academic research related to sexuality after working so hard to convince the powers that be that the adult industry was a legitimate culture in and of itself.