Wednesday, March 10, 2010

1. I am a bisexual woman, although some days I feel more straight and some I feel completely like a lesbian.

2. I would like to be able to identify as pansexual, but while I am attracted to men, women, and anyone in between, I am attracted to them in different ways. My brain still acknowledges the gender difference, even if it likes both.

3. I am coming up on 20, and am still technically a virgin. I have given fellatio and received cunnilingus, but never given cunnilingus.

4. I want to give cunnilingus, but I have not yet had a relationship with a woman that has progressed that far.

5. I feel guilty about it, but the times I performed/received oral sex, we did not use a condom or a dental dam. I am always unsure about how necessary dental dams are. It seems like such a good idea but incredibly impractical.

6. I am still a virgin even though my first boyfriend and I went out for over two years. We started when I was a freshman and he was a sophomore and continued up to my junior year, but neither of us ever felt we were mature enough to have sex.

7. I first knew I liked women in my sophomore year in high school. I was working with a girl on a science project in her house. We were pretty good friends, although we didn’t hang out that often. I was sort of zoning out, then my brain just pops up with “It would be great to kiss her now.” I did not, but the thought alone took me by surprise.

8. In the course of my relationship with #6, we both realized that we were bisexual. Near the end we were off again/on again, and while we were at different programs for the summer, I had a crush on a female friend and he developed a crush on a male friend. If I look back, I can definitely see the signs that should have tipped me off earlier. I was really glad that we both discovered it around the same time.

9. I did not really kiss a woman until I got to college. She was a pretty goth girl, and we met at a dance specifically designed to be geeky. Our relationship only lasted for about a month, but it still seemed like such a fitting place to meet someone.

10. I am very attracted to androgyny on both sides of the spectrum. Pretty men and handsome women rock my world.

11. I love reading erotic fan fiction. It was probably my first introduction to sexual experiences, and I still love it, even when reading fandoms I should have grown out of (Harry Potter).

12. I like reading het (male/female) and femslash (female/female), but pure slash (male/male) will always be the most attractive to me.

13. I really like pornography. I even like all of the bad pornography that portrays women in unequal light and is full of horrible gender dynamics. I like the more artsy stuff as well, but something about the other stuff just feels so good. After #12, it probably isn’t a surprise, but I love gay porn as well. Lesbian porn I generally find boring, unless it was made by people who actually know what they are doing and is full of tattooed women.

14. I love my vibrator, but since I live in a dorm, I am so worried that people will hear it through the walls.

15. When I had a roommate, I would try to masturbate as quietly as possible while they were asleep.

16. To me, anal sex seems much stranger between a het couple than a gay couple. I do not know why, but it almost seems natural between guys, but weird between a man and a women. That being said, I really want to, at some point in my life, use a strap-on on a male lover.

17. The person I am most attracted to now is a woman at my school. We have talked a lot and spent some time together, but I am only getting friend vibes off of her. It certainly doesn’t help that a month ago she ended a two year relationship. I may not have any sort of shot there, but hey, at least I have a hot new friend.

18. The woman in #17 is somewhat disabled from a brain injury a couple years back, and I sometimes feel nervous about interacting with her, like I am going to mess something up or make some huge faux pas.

19. I constantly go back and forth about how I feel about my body. My hips are on the larger side, and I am only about an A-cup, but I’m still feeling pretty good these days.

20. I only shave my body hair when the mood strikes me, every couple of months are so. When I shaved my head last year, I was so amused by the fact I had more hair on my pussy than my skull.

21. I love kissing people’s necks, but mine generally does not seem to be as sensitive. I love it when people do have sensitive necks. My last girlfriend made little gaspy noises when hers was licked, and it turned me on so much.

22. My back is actually very sensitive. I adore back rubs and massage in general, and nothing will turn me on more than someone kissing and/or licking my back. One of my boyfriends did this, and while we had a very dysfunctional relationship and I am glad to not be dating him anymore, I miss it.

23. One of my friends and I have an interesting way of interacting. She is entirely heterosexual, and I am not attracted to her, but every time we see each other, we grab each others’ breasts in way of greeting. Hers are quite nice. I do not remember how it came about, but it is so de-sexualized, that it is just our thing, nothing more.

24. I Facebook-stalk people I am interested in, and am always happy when they have their orientations and relationship statuses posted. Mine are clearly posted, just in case anyone is checking me out in the same way.

25. I love dressing up in sexy outfits when I am by myself. I am truly a mirror whore, and doing strip teases by myself makes me feel incredibly powerful and sexy.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

1) My first sexual feeling for a person happened when I was five. My neighbor, who was six, was braiding my hair. My pussy started to tingle and it really confused me.

2) In preschool this girl put her finger in my vagina and I had no idea what she was doing and I didn't want her to do it.

3) I started masturbating when I was seven, but I didn't know the name for it, or that other people did it.

4) My earliest masturbation fantasies were about getting raped. I was thinking about getting raped. I was seven. I didn't even know the word for rape.

5) Because I started having sexual feelings so young, started masturbating so young and had disturbing fantasies, I think something happened to me that I can't remember.

6) When I was ten I learned the word for rape. My mom told me if a man ever tried to rape me, to let him do it. She said, if I tried to fight it, he would kill me. Better to give him what he wanted and be quiet about it.

7) Two months after number 6, my dad taught me how to punch. He told me NEVER to let a man rape me, better to die trying to defend myself.

8) I decided to become a nun. I didn't want to kiss boys like the other girls did. I didn't want to marry a boy.

9) I realized I liked girls.

10) I had my first kiss at 14. She was 18.

11) While I was 15-16 I kissed a lot of random people. Mostly playing truth-or-dare.

12) I started dating a girl. No one knew about this. She got too rough with me sometimes. I would tell her I didn't like how hard she was biting, how rough she was when she pushed me down when we made out. She hit me a couple of times. I had bruises on my body from her. I told no one.

13) At 17, I had sex for the first time. My girlfriend at the time was transgender and had a penis. But it never went inside me. I didn't want to do that.

14) My first girlfriend DID want to put her penis inside me. Once, she threatened me. She said "I could take you by force, if I wanted to." I broke up with her.

15) At 18, I felt inadequate as a lesbian because I had never been with a female bodied person. I was depressed. I was in college for the first time. The first time, I didn't really want to have sex with her, but I guess I didn't not want to. All of the times after that I knew I did NOT want to have sex with her, but she INSISTED until I stopped saying "no." I think this was rape? I don't know. I didn't want to have sex with her. I just got tired of resisting. She never let me touch her. She always had sex with *me*.

16) After I managed to get away from the situation in number 15 (by getting a restraining order after she started breaking into my house) I felt nothing. She gave me a yeast infection with her dirty disgusting mouth. I felt nothing but pain between my legs, even after the yeast infection went away. I had been masturbating at least once a day since the age of seven. Suddenly I couldn't even touch myself. I felt so violated. I couldn't imagine kissing anybody. I couldn't imagine sex feeling pleasurable. I cried a lot. I was always afraid of her finding me. I went into therapy.

17) Almost a year after number 15, it was summer. It was warm and I had a sun dress on and there was this adorable girl, who looked like a boy. she had freckles and reminded me of a mischievous Huck Finn. Her standing there barefoot, grinning. I kissed her by the creek, the sunlight making the water sparkle. I was not afraid. She did not scare me.

18) I met this strong trans woman. She was kind. She was gentle. She was a very considerate lover. I was not afraid with her. She was a lot taller than me. Her penis was inside me many times. It did not hurt at all the first time. It never hurt. She had these dark brown eyes that always looked so concerned when her penis was inside me. She looked as though she were afraid to hurt me. She was always so gentle and careful. I wanted her to have a vagina. Her penis felt... limiting. I couldn't eat her out. I couldn't use a strap-on to penetrate her (unless I did so anally, which I did not want to do). Although this sex was 100% consensual, it was not very mutual. She was stuck in the role of the penetrator, and I, because of biology, was the receptive one.

19) Even though I trusted the partner in number 18, I could not allow her to give me oral sex. Oral sex still reminded me of all of the times #15 had hurt me. #15 really liked having oral sex with me. I felt like I wanted to die every time her tongue was on my clit or in my vagina. I really felt like I wanted to throw up and die. What is worse, #15 made me orgasm a couple of times. I felt like my body itself betrayed me for enjoying what she was doing. Because of #15, it was impossible for me to enjoy oral sex with #18. We tried it a couple of times but I felt like I wanted to vomit.

20) I met a new woman recently. She is masculine and kind, strong and gentle. Her eyes are the same color as mine. She is the same height as me. We did not have sex right away. We kissed a lot. When we did have sex, she took a long time exploring my body. She kissed my breasts a lot. No one has ever paid that much attention to my boobs, and I have a lot of sensation in my nipples. She was exploring me in ways no one had taken the time to before.

21) I had oral sex with 20. No bad feelings were in my mind. All I was thinking was "I like this". I consented to it. I wanted her to do it. I enjoyed it.

22) Number 20 let me give *her* oral sex. She didn't come, she said it is really difficult for her to come. I didn't take this personally. I just loved the feeling of giving her pleasure. I had never eaten pussy before hers.

23) Even though I have had sex with five people now, number 20 feels like the one I lost my virginity to. Because it was mutual. She eats me out, I can eat her out. We both consent.

24) Out of the five sexual partners, only two have not threatened, intimated or raped me.

25) I like having sex. I like having the kind of sex that doesn't make me feel afraid. I like having sex with partners who respect me.