Sunday, January 22, 2012

1. I am a 25-year-old female. I don't really like saying "straight" woman, as I feel like it's limiting. "Bisexual" feels like lying, too, because I've never had gay sex. I've never even made out with another girl. This doesn't mean I won't in the future, though.

2. I've had sex with three men. I lost my virginity at 22 to my first real boyfriend. I instinctively knew that this guy was sort of a dick and really into himself, so I never told him that he was my first, as I knew he would use it as some sort of power play against me somehow. We didn't date for very long. The only reason I chose him as my first was that he was demonstrating very intense feelings for me, and I figured he was good for helping me get it over with.

3. I've actually never told ANYONE that I lost my virginity at 22. I've been telling people 18, and now if I go back on it, I look like an ass. I used to lie about my sexual experience a lot when I was a teenager, so I've still got lies from then that I feel I need to keep going. I feel really stupid about this.

4. I've always been very sex-obsessed, but very introverted, so no one really knows that side of me. No one really knows any side of me, really, except for the very few I keep close. Once I feel comfortable with someone, though, the dam bursts and I become a total over-sharer. I love talking about sex and sexuality with people, especially people I'm trying to fuck. Nothing turns me on quite like a great conversation loaded with sexual tension with someone who's reeeaally good at it (conversation, I mean). I also love having conversations about sex with female friends, who I'm also probably subconsciously trying to fuck. I don't know what that's about yet.

5. That's really the only way I know how to flirt with people. I'm painfully awful at being all coy and girly and giggly. We'll talk about music or what have you, I'll get us both a little drunk, then start casually slip something suggestive into the conversation in a one-of-the-boys way. Something like, "Why do girls in porn always do (x)?", or "Huh, that (obscure sexual activity)'s interesting. Have you ever done that?" or what have you. This steers the conversation to sex. If they don't strike me as a douchebag all the way through this conversation, I will awkwardly suggest sex. This, graceless as it may be, usually works. I wish I was less awkward.

6. I suppose I'm kinky, but I think I'm too lazy to be properly kinky. I love being dominated, and the more psychological and mentally stimulating something is sexually, the more I respond to it. I'm not that into physical pain or having anything done to my ass (Yet! I'm trying to work on that), though, so that really limits that type of thing. I like being tied up and spanked and teased and made to feel like a dirty whore/stupid little girl (Not literal little girl. You know what I mean. Right?)/object and all that, though, as long as we're both on-board that it's all make-believe and I know the guy cares deeply about me.

7. I really like watching men I'm attracted to jack off and come, preferably on me. Part of this might be the fact that they're sort of marking me. The other part of this is that I MADE them come. It's like getting a gold star; it's physical proof of an achievement, but also of my desirability. I might possibly have self-esteem issues.

8. I really used to get turned on by tormented, scathingly hilarious, brilliant, acid-tongued, fucked-up dudes who would be really mean to me in bed. Then I started dating one of those dudes, and thankfully it quashed that particular craving. Well, mostly. I do ask my current boyfriend to be mean to me in bed sometimes, as I referenced in #6.

9. My current boyfriend is impossibly sweet, but is also really toppy and loves to dominate. That's crazily hot to me. He's also slightly androgynous, which really turns me on. The fact that we could literally share clothes really turns me on. He has a baby deer-like innocence about him that makes me feel like I'm going to corrupt/break his tender, beautiful soul.

10. I had a life-altering thing with my art professor when I was 19. He was the film "Henry and June" personified, complete with the occasional hackyness and cloying pretentiousness. Still, he knew how to talk (and talk to me about me) in a way that shook me to my core and stroked my ego in the most intoxicating way. It was everything I've ever wanted anyone to say to me, and all in that heady, calculatingly seductive artspeak language. I knew he'd be amazing in bed, and know just what to say and do to blow my goddamned mind. He was also married, thirty-odd years older, and kind of gross. I didn't fuck him (didn't fuck anyone until I was 22, remember? Much too scared). There was an obscene amount of tension between us when I was in his class (I took aaalllll of his classes). Then, there was the three-month-long overseas e-mail extravaganza (he had moved to Paris, of course) that danced around the elephant in the room but didn't address it directly until the very end, when he sent me a dirty e-mail that was quite underwhelming considering the rich and unceasing tension that had lead up to it. I had a moment of clarity, realized I didn't want to fuck him ever, and said, basically, "Hey, you're married. This is fucked up," and he, naturally, became extremely mean to me. I don't blame him; I mindfucked him royally. I was a teenager, though. I didn't know anything. Regardless of the way it ended, I still measure all relationships by the way this thing made me feel in the beginning, which is unfair and amazingly unhealthy.

11. My fetish for teachers has something to do with this. I fetishize old-timey Professor archetypes the same way some men fetishize Catholic school girls. I'm talking about slightly older (30s-40s) men who wear tweed coats, elbow patches, glasses, are elegant, well-read, filthy-minded; basically a pervy version of Giles from Buffy The Vampire Slayer. I have fantasies that involve being topped by these types of dudes. I don't care if it's clich├ęd; clich├ęs like that exist for a goddamned good reason.

12. Addressing something I brought up in #4, I've always kind of had a crush on all of my best female friends. I'm the kind of person who has one obsessive best friend at a time, and when the intensity of it burns out, we drift apart and find new connections. I've seriously considered having sex with all of them, or at least I can get turned on thinking about them in sexual situations. I don't know if it's because I'm bisexual, or if it's because I get feelings of love and sex confused. I've never expressed this to anyone, and I've never acted on any of these impulses. I just know that if I ever got drunk/stoned enough around any of them, and there was a weird moment where that seemed possible, I'd be really into making out with them and getting them off. It's super creepy; I know. Maybe it's just a weird glitch in my brain where I love these people and they're not related to me, so that's how I should show them just how deeply I feel for them. Ugh. I'm creeping myself out. Some things sound really fucked up outside your own head.

13. I started masturbating at around 12, via shower nozzle, which is still a pretty solid method. I have a sizable box of dildos and vibrators and I love them all dearly. I'm very snobby and nerdy about sex toys. I could work in a high-end, feminist sex shop and be like one of the goddamned Geniuses at the Mac store. If someone were to inquire, I will happily talk to anyone about dildos in the same way I'd talk to anyone about computers. I actually know way more about dildos than I do computers, which is kind of sad.

14. The kinkiest thing I've ever done is fuck my ex-boyfriend up the ass with a strap-on. I wasn't very good at it. I liked the idea of it, though, and I'd like to get better at it, except I'd MUCH rather do it to a girl next time, only in her pussy as opposed to her ass. That idea turns me on, actually. I really wish I liked ass more. I feel like such a prude.

15. I wish I could have casual sex. I can have sex with people I care about but don't want to date (i.e. fuck-buddies), but the guy seems to get attached, and I can't stand causing people any kind of pain, so I stop having sex with them. I've only had this type of relationship once, though. I, personally, am totally capable of detaching and having sex with someone I know and like but don't want to be with seriously. I don't think I could have sex with strangers, because I'd be too scared of the unknown. I would love something uncomplicated sometimes, though.

16. My boyfriend has expressed to me that he not only would never have a threesome, but seriously judges people who would want a threesome. I think this is fucked up and really negative. I don't think I'd want to have a threesome with him, if he's going to have that attitude, but I think, in the right context and with the right people, a threesome would be fun. Realistically, though, I think this would be more fun in my head than in reality... but, really, who can say? All I know is that if the right opportunity presented itself, I would either try to convince him to do it/let me do it, or turn it down and be secretly resentful forever that he was so controlling about my sexual identity. Oh god, I sound like such an asshole. If this situation were reversed, I'd say, "What a dick. How dare he try and guilt me into a threesome?" Wait, would I? I don't even know. The point is that I'm scared of losing my sexual freedom, even though I've always been too scared to take full advantage of my sexual freedom whenever I've had it. Yeesh.

17. I'm sort of fascinated by porn, but none of it ever turns me on. It's more like going to the circus (I see a lot of it as grotesque and depressing). If they made porn that wasn't so cartoonishly garish, I might like it more. I'm usually turned on most by scenes in books and films. I also like written erotica if it's written well and has a solid, satisfying, plausible story. I now realize that I sound like a snobby, judgmental asshole a lot. That's probably because I am a snobby, judgmental asshole. Hopefully this will change in the future when I've gathered enough life experience to see things from more perspectives than my own narrow, constantly-terrified-of-life one.

18. I don't have any specific fantasies, really. This is mainly because my fantasies need to be as complex, engaging, and logically air-tight as a novel in order for them to interest me. This invariably leads to me trying to dream up an entire, fully-formed character to have sex with (to START with), and then falling asleep with my hand down my pants about ten minutes in. I can really only come if my mind is blank and all I'm focusing on is coming. Anything else is just a distraction.

19. I may not have actual fantasies, but I do have specific head spaces that I would like to get to during sex, and I can try and communicate what those places are and try to get them to get me there. This has never been successful, because I am as cryptic as an experimental director when I try to explain myself, due to shyness and crippling self-doubt about my own ideas. I'll say stuff like, "Make me feel small," but I won't explain much more than that. I am trying to write these things down so I can get better at articulating them and know how to ask for what I want.

20. I really, really want to do role-play scenarios. My boyfriend only knows this one scenario that his ex-girlfriend was into, which had him playing a burglar and breaking into the house to rape her. That doesn't really do it for me, and his ideas of a hot role-playing scenario never drift far from that tone. Considering he loves to ruthlessly dominate women and make them cry during sex, he must have something in him that goes deeper than "I just like the power" to draw from. Again, I have to man up and really ask myself what I want and learn how to ask for that instead of shitting all over other people's fantasies.

21. I always try to get to the darkest psychological places in people. I want to see how bad it gets in there so I know what I'm dealing with. I'm also curious; it's like rooting around in cobweb-covered boxes in people's basements. I want to see all the skeletons and all the decay so I know what I'm facing underneath the everyday disguise. In the sexual sense, this means that I try to coax the dark, sticky, very secret side out of whoever I'm involved with. I don't judge unless I feel like their fantasy is going to put me in some kind of danger, like if I'm dating someone who's really into beating people. If their fantasy is something like beating people, though, I try to find out about it as early into the relationship as possible for my own safety. I find it very unsettling not knowing how deep a lover's perversions go. I don't want to end up in a horror movie plot/true crime novel one day.

22 …and at the same time, I pick men who are emotionally damaged and prone to some pretty dark shit. By being submissive sexually, I think I fetishize my fear and try to feel like I'm in control by deciding to be turned on by, and thus take control of, the things I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of the unknown element that is pure male sexuality. I'm afraid of its potential violence and darkness. At the same time, a little of that is a huge turn-on. I just want to play with that energy in a way that feels like theater. I want someone who understands the difference between a pretend power war and a real one. I love the visceral punch to the psyche that s&m role-play provides, but I don't like physical pain. This need is so complicated that I can't even come up with a fantasy that would sate it. I'm sort of grasping desperately in the darkness to understand my own shit.

23. I think I'm trying to use sex to try and sate all of my greater needs. I use it like food, or books, or religion. I need sexual experiences to have the power to reach the depths of my soul and drag things screaming to the surface. I think in pursuing this, I suck my lovers dry. I want too much out of them; I want our souls to fuck each other. I'm trying to fill a way bigger hole than is realistic. Also, I think people's sexual selves are the windows into their souls. I NEED to know people sexually so I know who they really are. That's where all the wounds and scars and dreams collect in people. I want to heal those wounds and scars and liberate those dreams. ...With my vagina.

24. The only reason I don't top is that I'm lazy. I think, though, that if I got into it, I'd be a good top. I'd be a very playful top, though, not a scary one. Alas, my current boyfriend has serious issues with being controlled and would NEVER let me top him. This is an example of one's sexuality being a home for all of one's deepest issues and scars. I want to get to the bottom of it with him so he can get to a place where his sexual world doesn't have to be so violent and angry all the time. Some playfulness in sex would do him good.

25. I feel like I have so much sexual exploration ahead of me. Even if I never involve other people outside my current relationship, I want to try lots of different things. I want to experience many types of sexuality; I want to play with that energy and experience different sexual points of view; different head spaces. I know I will take this very far in the future, and I hope my boyfriend can come along with me on this journey, and I hope he doesn't try to put my sexuality in a box, seal it up, and label it "his" like all the other men have in my past. I probably should have gotten into that more here. Oh, well.