Wednesday, June 9, 2010

1. I identify as pansexual. Though most of my sexual experiences have been with cismen, the best and most fulfilling have been with female-bodied people. People I’m generally attracted to, in order by gender: genderfuckers/androgynes, FTMs, MTFs, ciswomen, cismen.

2. I feel like I am of a polyamorous mindset, but I've never really been in a poly relationship. I'd love to try it, and luckily my current partner is poly too. However, I'm afraid of what could happen if it goes wrong, particularly with the knowledge that my partner's last relationship (of three years) ended due to complications with polyamory.

3. I'm far more comfortable having sex with female-bodied people, and I generally orgasm much sooner. Dicks just make me kind of uncomfortable, and I never feel like I'm "doing it right" when I'm with a male-bodied person.

4. Depending on the person I'm with, my preferences and comfort level can range from uber vanilla to fairly kinky. There are lots of aspects of kink and BDSM that I'm NOT AT ALL into or okay with though. I like to think that I know my limits, I know what lies within my interest range, and I trust myself enough to explore within my comfort level.

5. I really want to try having a threesome. A fantasy of mine is to be an experimental "third" for a hetero couple.

6. As a kid, I matured more quickly than pretty much all my classmates, and I subconsciously tried to compensate for it by being hella awkward, wearing baggy clothes that hid my body, denying my sexuality, and denying the chance that I might not be straight. However, I still think it's ridiculous for anyone younger than high school to date each other.

7. I went from being convinced I was super het (middle school) to being convinced I was only a dyke (high school). Then (since high school) I've thought a lot about gender and sexuality, written a lot of introspective diary entries, fallen in love with a man (and then another one), and decided that I'm genderqueer/agender and queer/pansexual.

8. I’m shy and awkward and have a hard time reaching out to people I’m interested in. That’s not a problem with men, since they expect to make the first moves, but I find that I have to grow a pair (of ovaries) when I'm interested in a woman. Since I'm not very good at that, this means I mostly date guys even though I'm only marginally attracted to them.

9. PIV is extremely painful for me and I've grown to despise it. I also hate giving BJs because it hurts my jaw and my piercings (but when I'm drunk, all I want to do is suck dick). However, I still find myself doing these things because I want to please my partner--does that make me bad at self-respect, standing up for myself, and self-consent? I love giving oral to owners of vulvas, though.

10. I obsessively chart my fertility. I love knowing when I'm fertile and when I'm not; it makes me feel powerful and in control. It's also brought me so much more in tune with my body: e.g., I notice now that I have sexy dreams when I'm fertile, and I never feel like masturbating when I'm not. It also works! It's pretty much the only birth control I use right now (only occasionally we'll use a condom) (I'm allergic to latex and the other kind is expensive and too small for him), and thankfully it works. I want to get sterilized someday when I can afford it.

11. I love my partner, and he loves me. We've been together for six months, but we're still just exploring each other and figuring out what we want from each other. I love the fact that he gets hard with just a quick hello kiss, and that he orgasms at the very least twice every time we fuck. I'm not a huge fan of cock, but there's something very sexy about such an obvious physical display of arousal and knowing that I caused it.

12. I love using a strap-on. I've never used one with a male partner before, but I'd like to. I think my partner would be into it but neither of us have one so I haven't brought it up. I HATE being penetrated with a strap-on.

13. My first kiss was at age 16, with the first boy I'd ever had a legit crush on, which in itself was rather shocking because until that point I thought I was a lesbian. It was also my first time meeting a penis, and I didn't know what to do with it. He was way more sexually experienced than I was, and loved me as a friend but only wanted to fuck so we both agreed that we weren't a great match at the time. Now he's in a repressive, caustic relationship with a jealous, controlling woman; they've been together for over four years.

14. I've had sexual experiences with some number of people, but I don't really define them all as sex—I have kind of strict definitions, I guess. Other than one one-night-stand, I still dearly love (not necessarily romantically) all four people I would say I've had sex with.

15. My bad habits in relationships are a) being lazy and shy and reverting to a stereotypical "feminine" way of acting, especially if I really like the person; and b) treating people who don't like me as a challenge, feeling drawn to them and trying to make them love me. My good habits are a) being very emotionally honest; and b) often reassessing the status of my feelings and the other person's feelings.

16. Even when I'm having sex with someone, I usually end up imagining other sexual scenarios in order to get off.

17. I think pretty much all non-shaved vulvas are exceptionally sexy. With cocks, I'm a bit more picky... if I’m even into penis at the moment, I definitely prefer little ones. I think circumcised penises are really fucking weird-looking (not to mention hard to use), but they have the advantage of being thinner, and therefore less painful. My current partner has a big uncut penis, which is nice to look at if you're into that sort of thing, but really hella painful. My last partner has a small circumcised penis, which I definitely preferred.

18. I think most porn is cheesy, forced, and misogynist. I don't like seeing perfectly smooth, hairless pink genitals rubbing each other and monster cocks squirting a half cup onto a generically attractive hetero woman's face. I want to see normal, happy people fucking in varied ways and having fun—that’s sexy. Due to the huge amount of shitty porn, I don’t look at it or for it, but when I do come across porn that looks natural, happy, and respectful, it makes me pretty happy.

19. I've been sexually active since age 17 (with mostly female-bodied people), but I've been having sex with guys for only the past year. I haven't had sex with any FAAB people since the first time I had PIV—not because I've become hetero (far from it), just because I've only dated two people since then and they're both male.

20. There are dozens of people I would have sex with if they asked me to. I often fantasize about my friends, even if I don't feel attracted to them.

21. I've always been super uncomfortable with the idea of anything anal-related, and have thus avoided it. However, my partner loves everything anal-related, and I recently let him rim me... I kept thinking "oh my god I can't believe I'm letting you do this but FUCK it feels amazing." Soooo maybe there's an anal future in store for me...? The idea gives me the heebie jeebies though.

22. I love consent, even though it can be super duper awkward. I like asking people if I can do things, and I like being asked. I like saying yes and I like saying no. I like knowing what I want and I like knowing what someone else wants. I'm still working on figuring out how to know what I'm comfortable with.

23. The first person I had PIV with was a rather selfish lover, which I didn't notice at the time because he was my first full-on hetero experience and because I was so into him and afraid of doing anything wrong lest I risk losing him. (Of course, he ditched me after a couple months for someone far more outgoing, and punk than I am.) My current partner is just the opposite, which I LOVE (especially due to my aversion to cocks) but sometimes I fear that he feels that I'm selfish...

24. I miss women; I miss feeling like a dyke. I feel very queer, even though I’m overwhelmingly read as straight (especially since I've been dating dudes), and it makes me sad to be such an invisible member of the queer community.

25. I like talking about sex with people who don't like talking about sex. I love talking about the details of being queer, kinky, and non-committal with people who are in long-term, vanilla, monogamous, hetero relationships. I like talking about masturbating, sex toys, and one-night stands with people who are appalled at any mention of those topics. I get off on the concept of fucking with a vanilla friend and shocking them… though now that I think of it, I’ve never had sex with someone less experienced than I was. Oh except this one time.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

1. I am female, nineteen, and panromantic asexual. I have gone through many identities over the years, though -- heterosexual, homosexual, pansexual, bisexual, pansexual again, and finally and for good... asexual.

2. I sexually blossomed at a very young age. In elementary school, a friend taught me what masturbation was because she had seen her mother do it. We hid in her room that day when I was over and experimented with it -- she didn't see the big deal about it, but I was immediately enamored of the feeling.

3. I became addicted to masturbation in middle school. I would imagine myself in increasingly kinky situations and get myself off several times a day -- I would pull a blanket over me and masturbate under it, looking like I was napping or watching a movie intently to any passerby.

4. My parents divorced when I was in elementary school and my father went through several girlfriends. One of them lived in a trailer and had a daughter a little older than me; we became fast friends and one weekend when I was staying with my dad, we stayed overnight with them. She claimed her mother had allowed her to get breast implants at a young age and wanted to know what normal breasts felt like, so I let her touch mine all she wanted. Looking back on it, she didn't have breast implants.

5. When I discovered porn and erotica online, I was even more fascinated. I would stay up late after night on my old hand-me-down computer to look at porn and masturbate to it. At first, anything sexual would turn me on, but I especially liked drawn porn. I would go on MSN groups and hunt down groups that were just porn comics of old cartoons, my favorites of which were any with The Flintstones or The Jetsons, especially since The Jetsons usually had the father screwing his daughter.

6. After drawn porn, I got in to real porn. The rougher the porn, the better. I wanted my women beaten and face-fucked. Raped. I couldn't get off to "normal" porn.

7. I was on GaiaOnline in the early days, when the "Personals" still existed, and I would often roleplay/have cyber-sex with Gaia members. I liked to coerce guys in to roleplaying incest with me. I still remember one with a guy, I was the little sister and he the older brother. It was really nasty, but I had a great time and really got off on it.

8. I know there is nothing wrong with masturbation, but I am ashamed of myself for it. For doing it so young and so often. I'm also ashamed that I've masturbated in my best friend's house. I have masturbated in her living room, guest room and it's bathroom, and her own bedroom and own personal bathroom.

9. When I was in elementary school, I had a stuffed dolphin that was about three feet long. It had a dorsal fin on top of it that was sewn on separate from the body, so it was quite stiff with stuffing. Sometimes, I would climb on so the dorsal fin pressed against me and I would ride the dolphin hard until I came. Now, I feel guilty for using my stuffed animal like that, and even though my little sister wants the toy, I don't want to give her something so dirty (even though I never rode it naked, always with at *least* panties on).

10. I learned a lot of dirty things online. My favorite for a while was bestiality. I actually took some cream cheese and put on my labia to get my cat to lick me down there once. It was fantastic, but I felt so disgusted with myself and still do. But... bestiality between women and animals still gets me off more than most else.

11. Even though thinking about my (admitted nymphomaniac) mother having sex with ANYONE grosses me out to no end, I used to masturbate to the sounds I could hear from her bedroom next to mine when she and my step-father went at it. Just the sounds of people having sex is still hot enough to turn me on.

12. It wasn't until I was fifteen that I realized that I wasn't masturbating the way most people imagined women masturbating. I only ever played with my clit -- and to this day, I've still never put a finger in my vagina. I was terrified of putting anything there until I finally started using tampons when I was seventeen.

13. I have never imagined having sex with a real person. When I used to fantasize, it was always made up people, sometimes beautiful and sometimes ugly. But I can't imagine real people in a sexual light -- hearing sex stories from my friends, I get really disgusted and have a hard time viewing them the same. Especially because when I think of them and the person they did sexual things with, all I can think about is what they did.

14. I find oral sex immensely hot, and even though I'd like to have someone go down on me, I would never do anything sexual with/for anyone else in any way. I just want someone to go down on me and for that to be enough for them. I wouldn't have to pleasure them, have sex with them, or anything.

15. I am a strangely-repulsed asexual. I am repulsed by the idea of real people having sex (porn doesn't count as long as it is actors), but love watching porn and reading erotica. The idea of myself doing anything sexual makes me feel ill, even.

16. I am romantic, however, and want to have a romantic relationship so much (though I'm scared of entering into another serious relationship because my last relationship lasted five years and the girl I was dating cheated on me with three different guys). I think drag queens, even ones that don't "pull it off" and still just look like men dressed up like women, are beautiful. I wish I could date a drag queen with the body build of a man, but the glamour and soul of a woman.

17. Despite being asexual, I am not bothered by the idea of people being sexually attracted to me. I have always enjoyed the positive attentions of others and like to tease and taunt people (especially guys) with my flirtatious personality and feminine figure. People assume I'm a very sexual person by my behavior and are always surprised to find out I'm asexual.

18. I am very serious about my asexuality, because there are so many misconceptions about asexuals. People's clever comments about "so you reproduce by yourself" and such really piss me off. So do people who claim to be asexual because they want to take a break from sex since it complicates their relationship. I'm like, you're not asexual, you're just practicing abstinence!

19. I am still a virgin.

20. Even though the idea of me engaging in sexual acts grosses me out, I would sell my body (and virginity) for an outrageous sum of money. Since I never plan to have sex for pleasure, my virginity doesn't mean much to me (even though I believe in waiting until marriage to have sex). If someone offered me the right amount of money and they were clean, I would have sex if the payment was up-front.

21. I have never seen the genitals of any other person in real life. I have mixed feelings about it. I'm curious, but I'm not sure about anything else.

22. I don't have sexual fantasies anymore. I literally cannot imagine anything any more that actually turns me on. I have to look at/watch and listen to something to get off.

23. I love breasts. If I was in a relationship with a woman who could get off by having her breasts played with, I would do that for her. I would fondle and lick them and everything. I LOVE breasts. Even my own -- I fondle them constantly.

24. I sometimes wish I was someone else, a sexual person, so I could experience sexual pleasure with someone else. If I could inhabit someone else's body for a day, I would go out and fulfill all my sexual fantasies with their body and return to my own with no guilt, knowing my body is still clean and "pure".

25. I wonder if I will be alone the rest of my life. I have little hope that I will find a "love of my life" who is a good match for me and also asexual -- because as strong as my libido sometimes is, it never creates an attraction or need in me for someone else. My head and heart need another person in my life, not my body.