Tuesday, August 23, 2011

1. I'm nearly 23, and I've never kissed anyone, much less had sex. I don't regret it, usually.

2. I'm horny all the time. If you were to look inside my head at random points throughout the day, you'd probably find something sex-related 9 times out of 10, and my underclothes are generally wet by the time I've had them on for five minutes, sometimes ten.

3. Call it a curse or a blessing – I usually call it a blessing – but I got extraordinarily sensitive senses of touch and taste from Mom's side of the family. This means that a lot of casual, innocent touches feel really good, and some foods are practically orgasmic. My friends laugh at the faces I make: even though they know, technically, that I'm a hypertaster, they don't quite understand what that means on an every-day basis. Oh well: while they're laughing, I'm shivering from a really good glass of port. Their loss!

4. This is probably related back to the general state of horniness, but I masturbate a lot. Mostly at night, because I work during the day with kids and getting myself off in the bathroom there would feel extraordinarily wrong, but days off, too.

5. Some nights I don't get myself off, but that's usually a lack of motivation, not a lack of desire. I just can't seem to do anything, times like that; it's hard to make myself get up to use the restroom, much less masturbate. Those are pretty much the only times I regret not being sexually active; I'd love to have a partner then who'd pamper me, do the work of pleasuring us both while I lay back.

6. By now I'm calling myself more or less pansexual. I like men, I like women, I like everything in between, and if we ran into aliens tomorrow – well, I'd probably be fine with that too. I'm comfortable with this, but some of the questions I get irritate me. (Yes, I'm pansexual. No, that doesn't mean I'm attracted to everyone and everything I see any more than heterosexual makes you attracted to everyone of the opposite sex.)

7. While I'm comfortable with being pansexual, I haven't told most of my family, much less my church. The overwhelming reactions would fall into one of two categories: OMG, where did we go wrong?!, tempered with, relax, she's just doing it for attention, it's not like zie dates anyways, zie'll settle down with a nice young person eventually. A few more would jump on me and try to use me as a political tool, thanks to the current splits in my denomination. I'm heavily involved in my church – I'm a deacon, working with missions and youth and etc., my dad's the pastor – and I have no desire to upset the status quo that badly. Revelations can wait until I'm in a different area and can tell people before ever joining a new congregation – things are just easier that way.

8. There are only three people I really worry about telling, outside of church politics: my mom, one of my brothers, and one of my sisters. My mom likely won't let me anywhere near my younger sibs again until they all turn 18, when I tell her. My brother will disown me. My sister will spend the next few decades praying for my soul and refusing to allow me near any children she might have. My other siblings won't care, and will probably try to hook me up with more people.

9. I consider my dad to be a trade-off for my extraordinarily bigoted grandparents and cousins (who will never speak to me again after I officially come out. This will actually be a positive side-effect of the whole deal). He's awesome – he's known for a few years, and doesn't spread it about at my request. He'll point out pretty people of either gender to ask my opinion, and his only real stake in the entire issue is to make sure that I'm happy, whomever I end up with; he doesn't fuss so much about the casing, or even things like poly relationships, though he's uncomfortable with poly and not allowed to publicly condone it anyway because of his job.

10. Which, speaking of, I might be. I don't really know. The idea of poly relationships appeals to me very strongly. That's not to say that I dislike the idea of monogamy; I just think that in some cases, multiple partners might be worth the extra work done to keep the relationship(s) stable. I've never had a chance to test that, though.

11. My biological sex and assigned gender are female and woman; I'm told that most of my neurological wiring is coded male. I don't identify with a set gender, either masculine or feminine, but don't really consider myself to be androgynous, either. Sometimes I dress feminine; sometimes I dress masculine; most often I dress in whatever I feel like at that moment. If I put my hair up right I have no problem passing for a man, on the days when I don't want to be a woman. I've been told that I would be a good candidate for gender reassignment surgery, but I don't really see the point in it. Sure, I'm not a “woman”, but that doesn't mean I'm a “man” – I don't care for either of those labels.

12. I love long hair, especially when it's taken care of and at least down to the butt. The sex/gender of the person with said hair is generally less relevant than the hair itself – 6'4'' and strapping muscles, 5'0'' and petite, doesn't matter, I'm going to enjoy looking at the hair.

13. I've had two romantic relationships, both with my best friends at the time. The first one, S., lasted from about 13 to 19. He was tall, a few months younger than I was, romantic, and quite smart. Things started going sour the last six months of our relationship, to the point where I didn't recognize him any more, but it still hurt when we broke up – he'd been my best friend for eight years, and I'd had no idea what had happened to change things. The second time, I was 21 and dating a woman, M., with whom I'd been good friends for two or three years. It was a giddy summertime romance that lasted into the fall. That October, the day I was supposed to tell my dad about the two of us, she told me via email that we couldn't be together any more because God disapproved of gays and besides, she didn't want to tell her family, ever. She hooked up with my ex S. a couple weeks later. I haven't had a relationship since then, mostly because this area is absurdly conservative: the women are generally appalled at any hint of lesbian interests, the men buy into neo-McCarthian gender roles, and the religious right disapprove of it all. I'm looking forward to moving someplace more accepting.

14. I don't care much for visual porn, but I've been reading erotica since I was eleven – first in science fiction novels, then fanfiction. Oddly enough, I didn't start writing it until I was nineteen, and I still don't write much of it.

15. There were a number of years where I claimed to hate romance novels, romance-centered fanfiction, and the like. Over time I've come to realize that that's not quite the case. It's not that I hate romance, or relationships, or erotica. Rather, I hated the entrenched gender-roles present in popular romance novels, movies, fanfiction, etc. Nowadays I read slash or queer fiction if I'm looking for something with romance, and otherwise stick to novels that contain het relationships, if at all, only as a very minor subplot... I go through a lot of science fiction that way.

16. While I don't care for visual porn, I do like looking at people. “Like” may be the wrong word, though – it's more reflexive than anything else, and my tastes tend to run all over the place. Suffice to say that if a person looks legal and under 70-ish, I'm probably admiring zem. Not always – there are a few people who just don't trigger that, for whatever reason – but far more often than not. I try to be discreet about it; I think mostly I succeed.

17. I don't have many body issues, and virtually no sense of body-shame or modesty. Skin is skin, whether you're two or twenty or fifty or eighty, and clothing is generally restrictive and uncomfortable. Nudity neither bothers nor titillates me, whether my own or someone else's. This lack of reaction, however, does bother my siblings and mother, as well as more conservative acquaintances.

18. I said I don't have many body issues, and that's true. But I would love to be 5'10'' instead of 5'6'', and I would really, really love to get rid of my female-based reproductive cycle. I like my vagina just fine, but I hate the hormones, and the thought of ever being pregnant absolutely appalls me. Sure, I'd like to have kids – but I never, never, never want to be pregnant. Ever. I'd be okay with flattening out my breasts, but I'm also okay with them remaining small; bras just bug me, and sometimes having breasts is irritating because they serve as gender-coded symbols.

19. M. and I never kissed or had sex, but we did a lot of cuddling, some petting, and quite a bit of mild pain-play (mostly because anything more would've led places neither of us, especially she, was quite ready for). I have a definite appreciation for certain types of pain. Scratching and spanking are great, but pinching isn't. Biting turns me on incredibly quickly: I go melty, submissive, and nonvocal faster than you can say masochist. Pressing or scratching into bruises gets nearly the same reaction, and blades make me shivery in the good sort of way.

20. I played with my ass quite a bit as a kid, left it more or less alone in junior high, and discovered it again towards the end of high school, with explosive results. Vaginal penetration feels good, sure, but anal feels so much more intense. I will never understand how people can dislike the sensation; it's easier for me to reach orgasm with anal play than with vaginal, and I almost never come without at least a little of it. Mostly I like deep penetration there, and preferably girth, too, but every once in a while it's enough to tease around and just inside of the rim. Sometimes I envy male-bodied individuals their prostates; I bet anal play would be even more intense then.

21. That envy never goes too far, but only because I then remember that vaginas mean the potential for double penetration, which is fantastic and tends to lead to amazing orgasms when I take the time for it.

22. For all the cliches about Christians, repressed sexuality, and guilt complexes, I really don't care that much about virginity – my own, to be specific. I don't attach any special value to it, and I'm not trying to preserve it. It's just that, while I like to look at people, I'm not remotely interested in casual sex. Some psychologists would classify me as borderline paranoid, especially when it comes to touch, so I'm not comfortable even with most of my friends touching me; also, while I don't put a huge premium on monogamy or virginity, I do on fidelity. Short-term relationships just aren't my style. If S. and I had stayed together once he hit college, we might have; M. and I weren't together long enough for it to be an issue. So while I do have my V-card, it's in a rather incidental sort of way.

23. I hear a lot of talk about G-spots. I've never managed to find mine. Every once in a while I explore for it. Then, when I fail to find it, I shrug philosophically: does it matter, when a vibe up my ass and finger on my clit's enough to send me thrashing and blank-eyed anyways?

24. I don't understand jealousy. I've never had problems with it, and jealous partners just tend to annoy me. Fidelity's a must for me, but that doesn't mean monogamy: instead, it means talking about things, and not going beyond what we agree on. Whether we agree to casual hookups, or poly relationships, or swinging, or monogamy, I expect both of us to follow the tenets of said agreement, and to put each other as first priority. And with that in mind, I have no issues with jealousy, because either zie'll follow those, and all's well, or zie won't, and we'll break up. Likewise, I'll follow them, because that's just the way I roll – so a partner getting jealous might as well be saying that I'm not trustworthy to follow through, which angers me.

25. Probably thanks to my early explorations of the internet and fandom culture, there's not much out there that can shock me any more. At this point, as long as it falls under RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink), I probably won't bat an eyelash. There are, however, a whole lot of things I look forward to exploring. After all, I am 22, almost 23.

Monday, August 22, 2011

1. I'm a 24-year-old cisgendered, heteroromantic, mostly heterosexual woman.

2. I say heteroromantic because I've only ever had, and only ever wanted to have, relations with men.

3. However, I have had girl-crushes in the past, and I've been a little bit in love with my female bisexual housemate for at least 7 years.

4. I am not a virgin. I lost my virginity at age 18 to a man 15 years my senior who I met in a club the night before. It was spectacularly bad (and unprotected, and in public).

5. When I was a child, the kids on my street used to play at sex like some kids play doctor. Before the age of 8, I had had three different (flaccid, prepubescent) cocks in my vagina.

6. I was caught with the third boy, something that was highly traumatic to my child-self and put me off sex, sexiness, and sexual thoughts through all my teens. I think I'm only just getting over it now.

7. Having said that, most of my sexual knowledge comes from fanfic, which I discovered when I was 10 (explicit threesome lifestyle-BDSM fic).

8. I've had [not exactly gentle] sex on a grand total of 3 occasions in my life, with three separate men, yet I still have a hymen. This complicates further attempts at vaginal intercourse, as I know exactly how much it's going to hurt, and how much I'll bleed afterwards.

9. Last year on holiday I sucked a man's cock for the first time. It was totally awesome and I would love to do it again. I believe the official term is "oral fixation," as I like kissing a lot too.

10. My boobs are sort of erogenous dead zones, but I'm pretty damn sure I'd love anal sex.

11. I like masturbating, though I'm not very adventurous about it - it's like scrolling the wheel on a PC mouse. Sometimes it's only a sleep aid.

12. All of my masturbatory fantasies are about consent and power play. E.g. I'm a student and my teacher makes me come over and over whether I like it or not.

13. I'm fairly sure I wouldn't like such power/consent play in real life, but I think I'd be open to experimentation.

14. This is because, although I am quite a tactile person, prone to a degree of touch starvation as an adult, I am also very particular about being touched - especially by men. I like my personal space, and only want it breached upon invitation. It unnerves me when people don't ask.

15. I've toyed with the idea of prostitution, what with being grossly in debt. A part of me would be flattered by the attention, but I think a greater part of me would resent the loss of choice. The rest of me would be consumed by guilt.

16. Having taken part in an orgy makes me sound a lot more sexually experienced than I am for drinking games like "I've Never".

17. For a long while I thought I wanted a boyfriend. I've never had one before. But I've come to the recent realization that I want sex more.

18. To that end, I'm going to join a local swinger/sex club for my birthday. I think I'd like someone to go down on me for the first time there.

19. Everyone seems so enamored of this meeting-and-falling-in-love malarkey. I am fundamentally lazy, however. I would much rather skip the awkward beginning to the comfortable, familiar relationship.

20. I want kids. I sometimes wonder (when the crush on the housemate is particularly strong) if this desire is an assimilated behavior. Is my heteronormativity learned?

21. But for all my talk of heteronormativity, I do sometimes cross the line of genderqueer. I prefer my hair butch-short. I don't wear make-up or dresses (with some exceptions). I have occasionally presented myself as lesbian in the past.

22. My body also fails at performing its gender sometimes. I have hair on my boobs. I have to shave my beard (thanks to PCOS). I am almost excessively hairy everywhere. It's difficult coming to terms with that in this society.

23. Blogs like sexisnottheenemy are great and I love them. However, I can feel alienated by the pictures of pierced/tattooed/mohawk-ed individuals on there, because in that regard I am very vanilla. As I present as a conservative cisgender female, it seems I'm less likely to mingle amongst people who are so open about sex.

24. Things I find most attractive about the male body (in order): arms and shoulders, lips, ass, cocks, eyes.

25. I've never come with another person before. I'd like that to change before I'm 30.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

1. The first time I had sex was when I was 17. It was with a prostitute--"escort"--who was probably fifteen or twenty years older than me. I found her online. I am nearly nineteen now and that is still the only instance where I have had sex.

2. When I arrived at her small apartment, she had already been drinking a bit even though it was only 3 in the afternoon, which probably helped me convince her I really was a college student, and she was bad at math so when she looked at my ID she didn’t realize I was under 18. My God, does that sound awful. Oh well, it’s true.

3. After a bit of small talk and a couple “you're not a cop, right” questions, she suggested we go upstairs. I got naked on the bed and she stripped to her underwear and proceeded to go down on me. After about ten minutes I stopped her and went enthusiastically down on her, until even she stopped acting like she enjoyed it. Actual penetrative intercourse happened next. It started and ended in missionary and was over way too soon (five minutes would be generous). Despite having an extremely active libido 99% of the time, and usually being able to jerk off 3+ times in under an hour, I couldn’t get it up for another go.

4. It didn’t help that I felt an overwhelming feeling of shame and paranoia about STDs (even though I used a condom ) immediately afterwards. Also I had a running challenge with myself to see how long I could go without masturbating, which after a month of torture led me to paying a woman to take my virginity, and left me sexually exhausted.

5. Afterwards I realized I had also just paid a woman $140 to basically just masturbate inside of her. Not that I regret it though, really.

6. I masturbated to the experience twice six hours later. I still couldn’t believe it had actually just happened.

7. I’ve only dated three girls since eighth grade. The first was from my neighborhood, the second was a girl I met at a party, and the third went to my school two grades below me. None of the relationships have lasted longer than a month.

8. Partly this was because the school I went to was 45 minutes away from where I lived, and very small, which made it hard to hang out with friends after school and on weekends. And since I had gone there since I was in fourth grade, most of the friendships I had around the neighborhood sort of died off.

9. Mostly the relationships stopped because we had nothing in common with each other. I dated them because I was bored, lonely and horny, and they were cute. I think they were doing the same, but neither of us would end up having much in common. After a month we didn’t have much to talk about anymore.

10. This terrifies me, however, that all my future relationships will end up this way. I have met a few girls that I do have an instant connection with, and this does help to stem the fear a bit. On the positive side this fear is a motivating factor behind me trying to be a better person both physically (lifting weights) and mentally (actively trying to be more outgoing and more confident).

11. Moving on to other firsts, I first kissed a girl when I was 16. It was girl number two that I dated, at a party, and wonderful. A bit late, but that’s the story of my life, I suppose.

12. I first started to masturbate when I was twelve or thirteen. It happened the same way I found out about escorts--I stumbled across an internet article on the subject and got a butterfly/adrenaline rush in my stomach as I thought holy shit, I can actually do this.

13. I then spent a large amount of time researching techniques on how to jerk off, and jerking off. Oddly enough, internet porn never really came into the equation until later.

14. It actually probably took a month or two of steady practice before I was able to orgasm, and I started ejaculating soon after that.

15. Another first was the time I found two Penthouses under my older brother’s pillow instead of the Harry Potter book I had been looking for. What a revelation those magazines were. Before, I would try and make mental images of naked girls whenever I was lucky enough to watch an R-rated movie. I remember the full frontal scene from Life of Brian had me sexually frustrated (since I didn’t know about masturbating then) for weeks. When I found those magazines, I could finally study every part of the female anatomy in extremely explicit detail to my heart's content. I was in fifth grade at the time, and every time I looked at a girl from my class for a week following that I would see the pictures from Penthouse, which definitely freaked me out a bit.

16. I’ve always liked anal penetration. I remember soon after I started masturbating, I would be in the shower and alternate between stroking my cock and playing with the entrance to my asshole. I think my justification for exploring my asshole was that I wanted to feel how a girl feels being fucked.

17. I experimented with anal masturbation in full two years ago. I never found my P-Spot after a pretty long time exploring, but I did realize that orgasming with a finger in my ass does actually lead to a different orgasm. I also generally enjoyed the feeling and new sensations of having something in my ass.

18. I would like to be fucked by a woman with a strap-on. I think that is ridiculously hot.

19. Additionally, I would love to be in the middle of a MMF threesome. Being fucked by a real cock while simultaneously fucking, licking, or getting sucked off by a woman would be sexual heaven.

20. I’m not entirely sure where I would rate my sexuality. I do think men can be beautiful but they simply don’t have the gut punching effect as when I see a beautiful lady. And in my hornier moments I definitely wonder/fantasize about giving blowjobs, and receiving anal sex. But even then intimate things like kissing or swallowing tend to gross me out for some reason. I find it odd that I would love to have a cock in my ass but have no desire to kiss who that cock belongs to.

21. My preferred porn is erotica. Visually it tends to rotate between vanilla, prostitute, amateur porn, hardcore hentai (this is probably what I’m most ashamed of and I don’t really know why), and strap-on porn, usually in a random order.

22. I’ve also read The Multi-Orgasmic Man and attempted to become multi-orgasmic, but I usually lose interest in the exercises and stop trying after about a month. I do love having strong PC muscles though.

23. The college I’m going to attend has a tumblr where students can submit naked photos of themselves. I am considering submitting a photo of myself for some of the same reasons I am submitting this. Plus the thought helps keep me motivated for going to the gym and keeping things trimmed down there.

24. Because 25 things are surprisingly long, this one is kind of filler. There were four girls that sat in front of me during grammar my junior year, and one at least once a week always popped a thong. This destroyed any chance I had about learning grammar, and once I saw that it would be very difficult to tear my eyes away for the rest of the class. Since there were only 12 people in the class, it was probably painfully obvious to the teacher, but she never said anything. Random tangent: The teacher was arrested last year for dating and sexing up a fifteen-year-old like seven years ago. She was pretty good looking, too.

25. I don’t know how to say this without sounding like an asshole so I’m just going to say it: Assuming I’m not in a monogamous relationship, and if I have large amounts of cash to spare, I could see myself using prostitutes again in the future, even if I am getting regular sex from multiple partners. There is just something sexy about no-bullshit sort-of-sex sort-of-masturbation and being in the position to choose a girl exactly to what your sexual desires are at the moment, and acting on those desires when you feel like it.