Monday, October 25, 2010

1. I am a 20-year old woman, a college student, bisexual, and, by some definitions, still a virgin.

2. I have never had sex with anyone of either sex. I consider this a type of virginity and hold onto that, for some reason I don't entirely understand.

3. That being said, I own more sex toys than any of the people I know, including the triad, the BDSM guy and his partner, and the bunch of single women. Not only do I have more of them, but I have more variety.

4. I have so many toys because my desires change constantly and I was unable to cater to that when I was younger. There are only so many ways you can use the handle of a hairbrush before you run out of ideas. Now I can give myself what I want when I want it, and I revel in that.

5. I discovered masturbation when I was 14, completely by accident. I was crouched on a rock beside the river waiting for my mother and little sister to come back from the bus stop, and noticed that the seam of my denim shorts was pressing tight against something. I poked and pushed at the seam until the pressure released and I fell off the rock. It was a long time before I figured out what it was I was actually doing, and longer still before I tried penetration.

6. It has only been in the last 3 months that I have been able to come without penetration. When I discovered that I could put things into myself, it became a necessity. I have my newest vibrator to thank for the change. Nothing gets me off quite as fast or quite as powerfully.

7. I came to consider myself bisexual during the bisexuality craze. Three of my other friends came out that same year. Of the four of us, I am the only one who has ever dated another woman. The fifth friend was extremely homophobic during those years, but these days she's warming up to the idea of being with a girl. She's with a long-term boyfriend now, but I know that I will be her first if she ever decides that what she wants.

8. I like anal vibrators and would like to get a plug, but I don't think I will ever like or want anal sex.

9. I love my body, but I hate the way it looks in most clothes. As a tall woman with big bones and a lot of muscle under some padding, there aren't many styles that suit me. Sometimes I wish I could walk around nude or almost nude and not get into trouble for it.

10. My preferred man is bigger than me, with a lot of muscle and large hands. My last boyfriend had pierced nipples, and now I find that incredibly hot. I like long hair or short, but it absolutely must be long enough for me to get my fingers buried in it.

11. Big guys are great, but I prefer smaller girls or those who are my own size. I'm also really, really turned on by athletic girls. Sitting in the food court between classes, I sometimes get to see the soccer team or the rugby team come in for lunch. I could watch them all day. Something about the way they combine strength with femininity is unbelievably attractive to me.

12. There is a exception: the girl I want right now. I have seen her around campus for more than two years. She is big, heavier than me, and more of a tomboy than I will ever be. She has a gay pride sticker on her backpack, but I'm afraid to approach her.

13. I have been in love three times. The first time was with my last boyfriend, who, for a time, I could honestly see myself having children with. The second time is ongoing. It is with the friend who was homophobic in high school. She means the world to me. She is beautiful. She is perfect. I wish she could see me the way I see her. I know she never will. I am just grateful that she doesn't see my flirting and caring and gift-giving as anything creepy, because I would never be the same without her. The third time is also ongoing, but put on a sort of hold. I have had fights with this man, and hated him, and there have been times when I wanted to never hear his name again, but I spent the summer talking with him over an online dating service, and then met up with him once or twice when I returned to school. He has his flaws, but he is intelligent and sexy and strong and mature and I want him. The problem is, he isn't making an effort to want me back in spite of his claiming that he wants to go out, and I am getting tired of waiting.

14. I love the feeling of having a collar on and would like to wear one while having sex.

15. I fantasize heavily, but only rarely have I imagined myself or anyone I know. Like the nerd I am, I get myself off to characters from Final Fantasy, Kingdom Hearts, Harry Potter, Transformers, and Avatar, imagining them as real people with other characters from the same place.

16. I worry about what that means.

17. Most of the girls I know hate everything about their periods. I don't like mine either, but I have some of the best orgasms when I'm on it, and they make the cramps go away.

18. I live in a dorm. I have masturbated when all but one of my 5 roommates is also in the room. In all but one case, they have been asleep. I like the thrill of knowing they could notice.

19. I am finally getting a proper set of ben wa balls, so I can wear them to class. I have never been more excited.

20. I love to play the waiting game with myself. If I'm patient, I can bring myself to the brink, stop and count to 100, do it again, count to 90, and keep going all the way down to 0. The three times I have squirted, it was by doing this. The only time I have ever screamed, it was by doing this with a vibrating plug up my ass and the thickest dildo I have jammed into my pussy.

21. I write a lot of fan-fiction, and a lot of it is smutty. Most of it is also yaoi, and it is only recently that I have been able to write decent het or yuri.

22. People scold me for preferring two gay or bisexual men together over any other match. I prefer it because that is the match that I can see the fewest societal expectations in. I hate expectations.

23. My breasts are an E cup, and all but the last cup size came to be without the aid of birth control. I love my boys and I am not ashamed by their size. Anybody with thinks they're shameful and says so to me will get to watch me grope myself. I can motorboat myself if I am sitting at a high table or desk, and I think it's fun.

24. I'm not good at strip poker because I like getting naked early, so I can be more comfortable with myself.

25. No matter how horny I get, I am still in no hurry to have sex with someone. It'll happen when it happens, and I'm happy to leave it at that.