Monday, August 22, 2011

1. I'm a 24-year-old cisgendered, heteroromantic, mostly heterosexual woman.

2. I say heteroromantic because I've only ever had, and only ever wanted to have, relations with men.

3. However, I have had girl-crushes in the past, and I've been a little bit in love with my female bisexual housemate for at least 7 years.

4. I am not a virgin. I lost my virginity at age 18 to a man 15 years my senior who I met in a club the night before. It was spectacularly bad (and unprotected, and in public).

5. When I was a child, the kids on my street used to play at sex like some kids play doctor. Before the age of 8, I had had three different (flaccid, prepubescent) cocks in my vagina.

6. I was caught with the third boy, something that was highly traumatic to my child-self and put me off sex, sexiness, and sexual thoughts through all my teens. I think I'm only just getting over it now.

7. Having said that, most of my sexual knowledge comes from fanfic, which I discovered when I was 10 (explicit threesome lifestyle-BDSM fic).

8. I've had [not exactly gentle] sex on a grand total of 3 occasions in my life, with three separate men, yet I still have a hymen. This complicates further attempts at vaginal intercourse, as I know exactly how much it's going to hurt, and how much I'll bleed afterwards.

9. Last year on holiday I sucked a man's cock for the first time. It was totally awesome and I would love to do it again. I believe the official term is "oral fixation," as I like kissing a lot too.

10. My boobs are sort of erogenous dead zones, but I'm pretty damn sure I'd love anal sex.

11. I like masturbating, though I'm not very adventurous about it - it's like scrolling the wheel on a PC mouse. Sometimes it's only a sleep aid.

12. All of my masturbatory fantasies are about consent and power play. E.g. I'm a student and my teacher makes me come over and over whether I like it or not.

13. I'm fairly sure I wouldn't like such power/consent play in real life, but I think I'd be open to experimentation.

14. This is because, although I am quite a tactile person, prone to a degree of touch starvation as an adult, I am also very particular about being touched - especially by men. I like my personal space, and only want it breached upon invitation. It unnerves me when people don't ask.

15. I've toyed with the idea of prostitution, what with being grossly in debt. A part of me would be flattered by the attention, but I think a greater part of me would resent the loss of choice. The rest of me would be consumed by guilt.

16. Having taken part in an orgy makes me sound a lot more sexually experienced than I am for drinking games like "I've Never".

17. For a long while I thought I wanted a boyfriend. I've never had one before. But I've come to the recent realization that I want sex more.

18. To that end, I'm going to join a local swinger/sex club for my birthday. I think I'd like someone to go down on me for the first time there.

19. Everyone seems so enamored of this meeting-and-falling-in-love malarkey. I am fundamentally lazy, however. I would much rather skip the awkward beginning to the comfortable, familiar relationship.

20. I want kids. I sometimes wonder (when the crush on the housemate is particularly strong) if this desire is an assimilated behavior. Is my heteronormativity learned?

21. But for all my talk of heteronormativity, I do sometimes cross the line of genderqueer. I prefer my hair butch-short. I don't wear make-up or dresses (with some exceptions). I have occasionally presented myself as lesbian in the past.

22. My body also fails at performing its gender sometimes. I have hair on my boobs. I have to shave my beard (thanks to PCOS). I am almost excessively hairy everywhere. It's difficult coming to terms with that in this society.

23. Blogs like sexisnottheenemy are great and I love them. However, I can feel alienated by the pictures of pierced/tattooed/mohawk-ed individuals on there, because in that regard I am very vanilla. As I present as a conservative cisgender female, it seems I'm less likely to mingle amongst people who are so open about sex.

24. Things I find most attractive about the male body (in order): arms and shoulders, lips, ass, cocks, eyes.

25. I've never come with another person before. I'd like that to change before I'm 30.