Tuesday, March 27, 2012

1. I’m a 27-year-old, mostly heterosexual woman from Germany.

2. I say “mostly heterosexual” because I had sex with a woman once, and even though I felt a bit overwhelmed by her beautiful body and her self-confidence, I wouldn’t mind having further sexual experiences with women. I like the taste of the female body, the smooth skin, and I feel attracted to a lot of women in my environment.

3. So far, I have slept with nine men and made out with some more.

4. I lost my virginity when I was 20, with my first boyfriend. I was deeply in love with him and our relationship lasted almost two years. When he broke up with me, I was truly devastated and it took me years to recover.

5. One of my friends summarized it correctly: “When he left you, he took your smile with you.” He was my first true love, and before we met, I had been convinced I’d never find a guy who loves me just the way I am. I have serious issues with body and my weight. My friends say I am a womanly, chubby yet attractive girl. Most of the time, I disagree. I consider myself overweight, even fat if compared to other women. I’ve been seeing a therapist for two and a half year (eating disorder, depression), and even though that was enormously supportive and helped me to sort a lot of things out, being naked still makes me feel very uncomfortable.

6. Due to that, it’s hard for me to orgasm. I’m always worried that a man might be disgusted by my body and I am very conscious about the way I look in certain positions or situations. It’s very hard to enjoy sex if you continuously suck in your tummy…

7. Despite my negative perception of myself, I really like sex. I'm very open concerning new experiences. I had a spontaneous threesome some years ago. I had a date with E. in a pub and T., his friend, was with him. We drank a lot and went home to T’s. During the whole evening, I somehow guessed what the two of them hoped for, yet I was totally surprised to realize that two men at a time wanted sex with me. It was a nice experience and I really appreciate that something like that has happened to me.

8. Two years ago, I had an affair with somebody who was quite experienced in BDSM. He gave me the opportunity to live out some fantasies, and I know now that I’m masochistic and submissive. I like to be handled roughly: to be tied up, to be spanked, to be pushed against a wall, a little force here and there. I also enjoy breath-play, wax and pain in general, but only in certain ways. I like to be pushed to my limits and beyond - dominance can be very sexy.

9. But any kind of BDSM play requires an enormous amount of confidence in your partner. I guess that for me, because of my body issues, trust is one of the most important things to sex and playing. I can easily fall from heights, and what felt sexy and pleasant just a moment ago suddenly turns into real humiliation.

10. Unfortunately, that guy mentioned in #7 abused my confidence. He knew that I had a crush on him and took full advantage of my feelings. This “relationship” can be summed up by saying “the stick and the carrot.” By suggesting this affair might turn into a proper, long-lasting relationship, he talked me into a lot of things. And I obeyed, hoping that finally he might realize what a great, loving and caring partner I would be.

11. For example, we had a mutual account at an internet community that offered sexual acquaintances. You could watch movies and pics, evaluate other users’ profiles, chat, etc. He always wanted to have a foursome, even though he knew that his proposal made me feel highly nervous. I feared he might be more attracted to the other woman or that the other guy wouldn’t be attracted by me. He kept on insisting and I agreed. We arranged to meet a married couple at their home. It was awful. The other guy wasn’t the type of guy I’m usually attracted to, he sucked at kissing and he had bad breath. Even worse, after we had left and I asked my partner how he had liked that experience, he yelled at me. “You suck at multitasking.” I was shocked and started to cry, feeling highly abused and abased. Finally, after many encounters like that, I managed to end the destructive affair.

12. Apart from BDSM play, I also enjoy oral sex. I love, love, love to give a man a blowjob. I love that feeling of being in control, to see and hear which reactions I’m able to arouse. And I love cum. I don't mind swallowing or facials. It’s damned sexy, and I know that men simply love to watch a woman play with their cum. It easily makes me wet.

13. Even though I like men going down on me, I can hardly enjoy it because I’m constantly worried about the way I look and taste.

14. I love, love, love kissing.

15. I’m convinced that a bad kisser is also a bad lover.

16. I think about sex frequently, almost daily. Sometimes I don’t masturbate for weeks, sometimes I do it three or four times a day. It just depends on my mood.

17. I regularly watch porn, almost any kind of it: gay, lesbian, BDSM, straight, double penetration... Thanks to this site, I’ve discovered my passion for hentai. That stuff is just fantastic, though sometimes quite funny as well.

18. I’d like to try anal sex. The last guy I was with was just crazy about butts and anal sex. I wanted to try it with him, but all of our attempts didn’t work out properly and I am no longer date him.

19. I “dismissed” #18 out of the same reason I dismissed all the other guys during the last years: While I’m trying to find a boyfriend with whom I can have a real relationship, they are just interested in having an affair. Sex, cuddling: yes. love or commitment: no. That simply doesn’t work with me. I’m quite a romantic girl and I really long for somebody to love from the bottom of my heart. So far, I’ve only had one (and a half) serious relationships. Half, because J., a guy I met last summer, turned out to be fake: name, age, job – everything he had told me about himself was just made up. Even though I’m convinced it was best to never see him again, I still miss him from time to time.

20. J. was just the type of man I feel attracted to: tall but not too tall, handsome, dark hair, dark eyes, a lovely smile, slender, athletic arms and a very good kisser. It’s very hard for me to confess that I like handsome, slender men, but consider myself not that attractive.

21. I realized that it is easier for me to enjoy sex and let me go when I am in love with somebody. I’ve been single now for almost six years and I really hate it. But I know I still have to work on myself. How can I expect somebody else to love me if I myself do not love me, let alone like me?

22. Yet, it might be very complicated to find a partner even if I have succeeded in accepting myself. Guy #7 had condyloma and I got infected, too. Thank God it’s a kind of STD that doesn’t seriously harm you or kill you. But still, it is incurable and highly infective. Even if I use a condom, I might carry the virus over. I’ve tried several remedies so far, but one of them worked (expect for serious side-effects). Yes, I can live with that, but it seriously influences your quality of life.

23. I know I should not have sex with any man as long as I have condyloma. But I slept with J. nevertheless. Fortunately, he had condyloma himself, although he hadn’t known that till I told him. And I also slept with #18. I told him about the disease right from the beginning of our affair. But he didn’t care that much and insisted on having sex with me. Well, I finally gave in.

24. I don’t know whether I should have a bad conscience for sleeping with other men despite the STD. I spoke about my situation very blatantly and didn’t force them to do it. It was their decision, not mine. But I worry to think I might have infected them and I worry about other women that might get infected by them. Will they mention the possible danger that is linked to having sex with them? I don’t know. I hope they will. On the other hand, the thought of never having sex with somebody else drives me mad. How should I ever enter into a serious relationship if sex is a no-go?! It wasn’t easy for me to approach men before and now it’s even worse

25. I’m glad I wrote down these 25 things. I’ve been reading this blog for some months now and always thought about submitting something myself.