Saturday, June 23, 2012

1. I am a 20 year old woman, though I feel much older than that, from San Francisco but currently residing in Europe. I identify as straight.

2. I have had more sex partners, all male, than I can accurately count, though I think the number is somewhere north of 30. This tally has been amassed in only 3 years. If the topic comes up I try to act ashamed or mysterious because my number is not socially acceptable. Truthfully, I just like to have sex and haven't been in a monogamous relationship in which I can have a whole lot of it with one person.
3.The first time I masturbated to orgasm occurred when I was 16. It was my first real foray into touching myself, thanks to my long-distance boyfriend of the time who wanted to have phone sex. Funnily enough, we didn't really discuss sex, it was mostly about kissing and manual action.

4. I lost the best friend I have ever had when I was a teen because after we made out and touched each other she discovered she was lesbian and was too afraid to say anything to me. I consider myself straight, but she might have been the one woman in the world I would have been willing to try dating.

5. I am curvy, with large boobs and an ass. Some people, including my mother, think I should lose weight. And some people, like the man I am currently seeing, think I am beautiful just the way I am. I work very hard to think so too.
6. What I am really looking for is a romantic relationship. However, perhaps because of number 5, men predominantly see me as a sex object. And, because I like to have sex, I have difficulty discerning the difference between a man who has a high sex drive and wants a relationship versus a man who just wants me for sex.
7. I used to rub my crotch against my stuffed animals when I was just reaching puberty because it gave me sexual pleasure. It also made me feel deeply guilty.
8. I feel a lot more mature than the men of my age group, to the point of not being able to feel any substantial sexual attraction towards them. I date older than myself, by about an average of ten years. Wisdom and experience are so, so sexy.
9. My first experience with vaginal penetration sex was when I was 17. It was a friend of a friend and I lied about being a virgin when he asked.
10. I once hooked up with a man who I believe had OCD. He put on surgical gloves when fingering me and used copious amounts of hand sanitizer, both on him and me, afterwards. At the time I was a little weirded out, but now I just feel sorry for him. Sex is so much more fun when you can let go and be a little messy!
11. I like to be submissive in bed. I am so driven and determined in my life, it is nice to be able to trust a man to take over. Something about it feels very natural.
12. Unfortunately, on my journey of discovering my submissive side I came across a few very aggressive, manipulative dominants. I did a few things I really wasn't comfortable with and still eek me out when I think about them.
13. Sex didn't hurt the first time and has only ever hurt with men who are too long for my vagina. My vagina and ass are both extremely accommodating, I need a decent-sized penis to be sexually satisfied.

14. In fact, my vagina is so accommodating I have enjoyed fisting. The orgasms from the few times I have tried it have been insane.
15. My entire body shakes during a satisfying orgasm. Sometimes I joke that they are earthquakes because I am from San Francisco. Oh well, at least I think I'm funny.
16. The man I am currently seeing also gets the shakes when orgasming, sometimes even more violently than I do. When I discovered this I decided we might just be perfect for each other.
17. I went to a swingers' party this past year with a guy I was seeing at the time. I was surprised at how everyone looked like they were putting on a show. It felt more fake to me than a lot of porn.
18. I have had sex with a few Italians, being an expat, and the experiences were far from rewarding. Don't believe everything that you hear, the Italian stallion stereotype included.
19. I have a difficult time with social situations and do not like dating multiple men at once. It makes me feel beyond exhausted, and I really just want to be monogamous.

20. Yet I am an incredibly giving person and I know what I have to offer might be construed as overwhelming. I fear that I will never find someone with the same capacity.
21. I've always loved knowledge, and so I researched sex endlessly as a teen. After my first blow job, my boyfriend of the time didn't believe that it had been my first time. Really, I just used the tips I read on the internet.
22. In fact, I find most men are surprised by my sexual prowess. I'm never quite sure if it is a compliment or a judgement.
23. I have thought about becoming a prostitute because sex is something I like to do and I've been told I'm good at. I even put up an ad on Craigslist once but when I met the guy I ended up refusing his money. We even dated for a while.
24. Sometimes I cry after masturbating. I don't know if this is just a physical release or because I am really lonely.
25. Finding a balance of love and sex in my life is one of my major priorities. I think writing this list has helped me move towards this balance.