Wednesday, April 8, 2009

1. Around when I hit puberty, I used to scour the internet for naked girls' pictures. I graduated to ten-second porn clips much later, but one of my biggest turn-ons has been always the beginning set up, especially clothed make out scenes with boob grabbing.

2. I also read sex message boards and loved the user-posted erotica. I wrote my own version when I was probably 12 years old, despite the fact that I hadn't seen hardcore porn and didn't know very many bad words (I think I used "V" at one point because I didn't want to say vagina). After posting I immediately signed off the message board and never returned, feeling massive amounts of guilt and fearful of negative feedback.

3. I also used those message boards in a quest to figure out how to masturbate, as I didn't have the first idea of how my body worked. Following a suggestion I read, I broke my hymen with a candle when my parents weren't home. The blood freaked me out.

4. I finally had my first orgasm one night attempting to make my hand mimic a vibrator, moving it very quickly back and forth. After discovering that possibility I did it every day, many times a day for a while. I don't think I finessed my technique for a while until I actually learned what a clitoris is.

5. I tried cybering a lot in my younger teens, but it never really worked out. I would go to "teen flirt" chat rooms and pretend that I was a hot naked 18 year old with huge boobs and a shaved pussy. I think there was only one time that I got past the whole "hello, what are you wearing, how big are your boobs" part, but my parents came home and that was the end of that.

6. When I was eight or nine a boy friend of mine and I did the whole "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" thing. I used to flash him my non-existent boobs which made him laugh. We also practiced kissing, which involved a peck on the lips and running away from each other. I know now that childhood stuff like that is relatively common, but I felt guilty about it for years and cringe now thinking about it.

7. The next time I kissed a boy and the first time I had a boyfriend I was 17. He wasn't experienced either - he was especially afraid to make a move that would scare me away and I was not really into the idea of taking the lead so each next step took months. We didn't have sex for pretty much exactly a year. Though I would have been okay with moving faster and so would he, I like the way it worked out - no regrets, never being uncomfortable, learning with each other.

8. One of the only times I did take the lead was when I started to give him a handjob through his pants for the first time. In a very short time he came in his pants, leaving a noticeable stain. I was absolutely mortified. He was not. (In retrospect, that doesn't make any sense.) At any rate, we had to drive half an hour to his house for him to change. On the way the song "The Stroke" by Billy Squier came on the radio. I can't ever hear that song without associating it with that night.

9. I have gotten myself off on some pretty hardcore rape fantasies. The worst one I ever imagined up was a violent take on Lord of the Rings (I was obsessed with the movies for a year or so) in which I was tied to a tree and gang banged by Orcs while Merry and Pippin watched. I haven't really thought about anything that freaky in a while, but I would love being taken control of. The problem is that my boyfriend is also sort of submissive so I'm frequently forced to take control (which isn't bad or anything, but doesn't turn me on nearly as much).

10. On that same geeky note, my first sexual crush was Kevin Smith, the guy who played Ares from Xena and Hercules (that leather! those muscles!). I met him at a Xena convention when I was ten (adding his kiwi accent to the list of turn-ons), which is to this day one of the highlights of my life.

11. While I don't see my boyfriend and I breaking up any time soon, I would love to have sex with and/or date a black man. The hottest black guys are always hotter than the hottest white guys, no question.

12. I also would love to have sex with a girl. I love breasts and curves. I would love to eat a girl out and make her orgasm. I don't think I would call myself bisexual, because I don't know that I could fall in love with a girl, but I love looking at beautiful women (I wouldn't call myself straight though, so clearly labels are useless). I once made a "lesbian" powerpoint with 33 of my favorite hot women (and plenty of pictures of each). I have a type: I think beautiful hispanic women are especially sensual (Salma Hayek, Penelope Cruz, & Eva Mendes are perfection).

13. I love giving head and have gotten pretty good at it (lots of practice, considering the whole not having sex for a year thing from #7). I almost consider it an art, and I like to make each time a little different, a little special. When I first tried my boyfriend would let me know when he was coming and finish in his hand, but that was a little ridiculous. We talked about it and I've swallowed every time since - I'm not sure I quite understand spitting. If it's in your mouth already, swallowing is the fastest way to get rid of it.

14. The first time my boyfriend combined fingering and going down on me I orgasmed so intensely that afterwards I wept, as a purely physical response. That hasn't happened since, unfortunately. Maybe because my body is used to it? I don't really know, considering his technique has only improved.

15. I'm pretty sure I'm really bad at being on top. I enjoy it, but whenever I move in the ways that make me feel good, my boyfriend doesn't really get much out of it. It's possible that dick size has something to do with it - though average sized, he's always worried that if I move too much it'll fall out.

16. I don't think I've ever "made love." Despite my boyfriend's generally loving demeanor and wonderful cuddling skills, there's never been any intense loving gazes or anything during the act. Half the time he's not even really looking at me, and a grunted "I love you" is not really what I'm after. Don't get me wrong, I love plain old fucking hard as much as the next girl, but I feel like there has to be something missing in lacking that experience. But there's nothing I can do to make it happen, hopefully one day it'll happen naturally.

17. I've had several sex dreams but a couple of them stand out because my point of view was that of a man's. In one I was jerking off, and the sensation was unlike anything I have ever or ever could feel in real life being a girl. I truly believe I was feeling what guys feel! It enhanced my understanding and skill level in making a guy feel good, but was also somewhat of a spiritual eye opener. Perhaps I have an unconscious memory of a past life in which I was male, perhaps I was experiencing the collective unconscious, perhaps I was sharing in the experience of some horny guy out there who I am connected to as I am connected to everyone and everything... or maybe it was nothing but a stupid dream. I've fantasized once or twice from the male point of view, and not only does it challenge the mind in gender bending ways, it definitely does the trick.

18. I've never orgasmed from sex, only oral. Since oral is normally combined with finger fucking, I have had some G-spot orgasms from that (so I know I'm physically able to), but not from dick... My boyfriend used to try to play with my clit during sex but for some reason it just felt weird and never really worked. Though I love having sex, I know it could be a lot better if I just figured out the right position or something. I feel like I'm missing out, but not for long, I hope...

19. Though I don't have any real strong desire to lick anyone's feet or suck anyone's toes, I think they're an erogenous zone of mine that have never been paid attention to. A while ago I was walking around my house with bare feet and my dog licked my foot and I was instantly turned on. I felt guilty and grossed out by being aroused by my dog, but now I sort of wish my boyfriend would do something similar. I know, however, that the idea of it doesn't do anything for him and he never will.

20. Actually, my boyfriend is pretty vanilla. He is happy doing what works for him over and over and over (and over and over...) again - a.k.a. missionary. There's a specific formula to whenever we have sex: make out and take our clothes off, he makes me come with his mouth, I get him hard with my mouth, and he comes inside of me. It's all very satisfying for both parties, but I feel like (besides the fact that it's done the same way every time) there's a lack of fluidity and excitement, and more just going through the motions. I'm trying to spice things up, but I only do it a bit at a time, because I'm afraid of what he'll think of me if I'm too out of the ordinary.

21. While at school, I share a room with another girl. Our sleep patterns are very different - often times she'll go to bed at 11 and I'll stay up till 3. Sometimes, when I go to bed late and she's already been asleep for a while, I masturbate under the covers quietly. I feel really guilty about this, but it definitely helps me go to sleep, and I know she can't hear or see me.

22. I bought a ten-dollar vibrator a few months ago that I rarely use, mostly due to the noise level. When I do use it, I find that my orgasms aren't really that great anyway! I hope to one day buy some really high tech sex toy (a rabbit maybe) but that's far into the future, considering I'm a poor student and it doesn't make sense to buy something I could do for myself (or my boyfriend could do for me!).

23. The night I found myself watching horrible softcore porn with ugly people with botched breast implants on cable at 4 AM with 5 guys and one terrified girl was the night that I found myself turned off from porn forever. It was the biggest joke in the world, not sexy in the slightest. Maybe there is porn out there that's done right, but it would seem that I am no longer turned on by smuttiest of awful porn. Even erotic fiction has lost its charm. Thank God for my imagination.

24. I would never cheat on my boyfriend, nor do I want to end our relationship to date other guys. However, I recently met a guy who I initially wrote off as good looking but too slim for my taste (I like a guy with some substance) but then we started talking... His intellectual take on life, the meaning of life and what he wanted to do in the world, literally turned me on. Apparently a good conversation about existential crises makes me wet. Great.

25. I used to think I would be all for one night stands - there's nothing wrong with two strangers using each other for a night of fun! I also used to think that I could see myself being a stripper or a high class hooker, which I still have no problems with morally. But I guess this long term relationship I'm in has changed that for me, because now I couldn't see myself even casually hooking up with someone. If my relationship does end one day I might think differently (I plan to travel a lot, and would not be opposed to foreign flings). Since I don't see my relationship ending (call me youthfully naive), I don't see those flings happening (for better or for worse).