Tuesday, March 9, 2010

1) My first sexual feeling for a person happened when I was five. My neighbor, who was six, was braiding my hair. My pussy started to tingle and it really confused me.

2) In preschool this girl put her finger in my vagina and I had no idea what she was doing and I didn't want her to do it.

3) I started masturbating when I was seven, but I didn't know the name for it, or that other people did it.

4) My earliest masturbation fantasies were about getting raped. I was thinking about getting raped. I was seven. I didn't even know the word for rape.

5) Because I started having sexual feelings so young, started masturbating so young and had disturbing fantasies, I think something happened to me that I can't remember.

6) When I was ten I learned the word for rape. My mom told me if a man ever tried to rape me, to let him do it. She said, if I tried to fight it, he would kill me. Better to give him what he wanted and be quiet about it.

7) Two months after number 6, my dad taught me how to punch. He told me NEVER to let a man rape me, better to die trying to defend myself.

8) I decided to become a nun. I didn't want to kiss boys like the other girls did. I didn't want to marry a boy.

9) I realized I liked girls.

10) I had my first kiss at 14. She was 18.

11) While I was 15-16 I kissed a lot of random people. Mostly playing truth-or-dare.

12) I started dating a girl. No one knew about this. She got too rough with me sometimes. I would tell her I didn't like how hard she was biting, how rough she was when she pushed me down when we made out. She hit me a couple of times. I had bruises on my body from her. I told no one.

13) At 17, I had sex for the first time. My girlfriend at the time was transgender and had a penis. But it never went inside me. I didn't want to do that.

14) My first girlfriend DID want to put her penis inside me. Once, she threatened me. She said "I could take you by force, if I wanted to." I broke up with her.

15) At 18, I felt inadequate as a lesbian because I had never been with a female bodied person. I was depressed. I was in college for the first time. The first time, I didn't really want to have sex with her, but I guess I didn't not want to. All of the times after that I knew I did NOT want to have sex with her, but she INSISTED until I stopped saying "no." I think this was rape? I don't know. I didn't want to have sex with her. I just got tired of resisting. She never let me touch her. She always had sex with *me*.

16) After I managed to get away from the situation in number 15 (by getting a restraining order after she started breaking into my house) I felt nothing. She gave me a yeast infection with her dirty disgusting mouth. I felt nothing but pain between my legs, even after the yeast infection went away. I had been masturbating at least once a day since the age of seven. Suddenly I couldn't even touch myself. I felt so violated. I couldn't imagine kissing anybody. I couldn't imagine sex feeling pleasurable. I cried a lot. I was always afraid of her finding me. I went into therapy.

17) Almost a year after number 15, it was summer. It was warm and I had a sun dress on and there was this adorable girl, who looked like a boy. she had freckles and reminded me of a mischievous Huck Finn. Her standing there barefoot, grinning. I kissed her by the creek, the sunlight making the water sparkle. I was not afraid. She did not scare me.

18) I met this strong trans woman. She was kind. She was gentle. She was a very considerate lover. I was not afraid with her. She was a lot taller than me. Her penis was inside me many times. It did not hurt at all the first time. It never hurt. She had these dark brown eyes that always looked so concerned when her penis was inside me. She looked as though she were afraid to hurt me. She was always so gentle and careful. I wanted her to have a vagina. Her penis felt... limiting. I couldn't eat her out. I couldn't use a strap-on to penetrate her (unless I did so anally, which I did not want to do). Although this sex was 100% consensual, it was not very mutual. She was stuck in the role of the penetrator, and I, because of biology, was the receptive one.

19) Even though I trusted the partner in number 18, I could not allow her to give me oral sex. Oral sex still reminded me of all of the times #15 had hurt me. #15 really liked having oral sex with me. I felt like I wanted to die every time her tongue was on my clit or in my vagina. I really felt like I wanted to throw up and die. What is worse, #15 made me orgasm a couple of times. I felt like my body itself betrayed me for enjoying what she was doing. Because of #15, it was impossible for me to enjoy oral sex with #18. We tried it a couple of times but I felt like I wanted to vomit.

20) I met a new woman recently. She is masculine and kind, strong and gentle. Her eyes are the same color as mine. She is the same height as me. We did not have sex right away. We kissed a lot. When we did have sex, she took a long time exploring my body. She kissed my breasts a lot. No one has ever paid that much attention to my boobs, and I have a lot of sensation in my nipples. She was exploring me in ways no one had taken the time to before.

21) I had oral sex with 20. No bad feelings were in my mind. All I was thinking was "I like this". I consented to it. I wanted her to do it. I enjoyed it.

22) Number 20 let me give *her* oral sex. She didn't come, she said it is really difficult for her to come. I didn't take this personally. I just loved the feeling of giving her pleasure. I had never eaten pussy before hers.

23) Even though I have had sex with five people now, number 20 feels like the one I lost my virginity to. Because it was mutual. She eats me out, I can eat her out. We both consent.

24) Out of the five sexual partners, only two have not threatened, intimated or raped me.

25) I like having sex. I like having the kind of sex that doesn't make me feel afraid. I like having sex with partners who respect me.