Wednesday, August 11, 2010

1. I’m 18, I’ve never even been kissed and I’m terrified one of my friends might read this.

2. Although I have never been kissed, I have had an active imagination about sex as long as I can remember. Half the reason I’ve never actually pursued a boyfriend is because I’m afraid that I might end up a sex addict and ruin my life.
3. I’ve been masturbating since… age 5? I just remember putting a book in between my legs till I felt the “pressure” release. I remember once I found a children’s toy that vibrated and put it in between my legs and it was wonderful, but I don’t have a vibrator.

4. I have NEVER put anything inside me. Not a tampon or my fingers. The thought really scares me, but at the same time I constantly fantasize about sex.

5. For a very long time, and kind of still today, I have worried that I was a lesbian. I’ve never gotten “butterflies” about a girl like have about a boy, but when I imagine sex I always focus on the girl instead of the boy. And I’m worried that the way I masturbate is like (and I know this sounds silly) the way lesbians have sex. 'Cause I’m still not really sure what happens there. I’ve also been playing softball for 11 years and constantly get hit on by girls. Guys always consider me “one of the guys” because the way I talk is very…. “Midwestern surfer?” I guess. I use slang constantly, saying “man” and “dude,” etc. I’ve tried to change, but I feel as though men would rather have a friend that they also love and sleep with, not some prissy little girl.

6. What really makes me “hot” (which I hate saying. That and “daddy.” Sick) is older men. Not too much older, but like 30-40. I’ve really only had major crushes on teachers, and right now, I flirt constantly with an umpire, who is known for being a little too “friendly” with the players. For some reason the whole “Lolita” scenario really turns me on.

7. The only sexual experience I’ve had was at a party at a house where my friend was house-sitting, over a year ago. It was the first time smoking a hookah, which was really fun and gave me a heavy, heavy buzz. My friend brought over one of her childhood friends, and he was very much the flirt. I remember her and him practically making out while sharing the hookah smoke. The friend, the guy and I all went upstairs because we were having a good conversation while everyone else went to sleep. I told the guy that I was a complete virgin, never even held hands before. So, he somehow got me to cuddle him and was holding hands with me and rubbing me all over, while my other friend was in the bed (I still don’t know if she was asleep). He eventually made his way to my breast and slipped his hand under my bra. He tried to unhook my bra but couldn’t, and was kissing me everywhere but the lips. I eventually began to feel guilty, and sat up cross-legged with a blanket over my lap. My friend had eventually sat up/woken up and started talking and while I was talking to her, he slipped his hand under my skirt. I nearly exploded. I hadn’t even touched myself that way at the time, and while he was not fingering me, I still was very fast to the point of climax, although I didn’t come. He eventually tried to slip his hand under my underwear, but I stopped him. I didn’t want to be fingered before I was kissed. I eventually undressed in front of him while the friend was gone to get him going, but then left for an audition.

8. He was a ginger, and from then on, gingers have somehow terrified and disgusted me.

9. I think I might masturbate more then the average woman. It’s often once every night, sometimes more, even though when I was away at school I went a month without doing it.

10. When I say “the only sexual experience” for number 7, I guess it would have to be the only one without childhood innocence, and the first with a boy. When I was younger, my best friend and I would pretend that we were dating and that I was the boyfriend and she was the girlfriend. Then we had to go “do it” and go under the covers and lay next to each other. Now I can’t remember if we touched or anything, but I just remember being really embarrassed about it and she told someone on the playground a couple years later and I completely denied it.

11. Another childhood “experience” is one that I am EXTREMELY embarrassed about and I haven’t talked about it in over 7 years. And I’m afraid this sounds disgusting and like incest. My sister and I were playing and pretending that, once again, I was the boyfriend and she was the girlfriend. We climbed in the top bunk to “do it” and began humping each other’s legs. I remember really getting into the “part” of being the “secret boyfriend” and pretending to hear “mom coming” and stopping to do dialogue with the “mom”. I’m so scared that this is completely abnormal and disgusting and my sister and I have never talked about it.

12. I’ve always had this overwhelming paranoia that my best friend and sister think I’m a lesbian because of these two past experiences.

13. When my sister first started having sex, I found each one of her “signs.” A vibrator, morning after pills, and a pregnancy test. I remember confronting her about the pregnancy test and how I was terrified that she was having unprotected sex. We both cried our eyes out and she thinks that we “bonded” but I wish I didn’t know.

14. I was never very close with my siblings, and I don’t really want to be. Talking about sex or relationships with anyone, including my friends, is very unnerving for me and I hate every minute of it. I never want to know about my brother or sister’s sex life, and the thought sickens me.

15. I’ve never had a legit boyfriend, whereas my sister has had three very serious relationships (two with shitty people, one where it still lasts today) and a straggle of other boys. I’ve always been jealous and constantly “flirt” with her boyfriends, but I guess the way I flirt is wrong, because all of her boyfriends have thought of me as the “tough younger sister”.

16. I love porn. Like a lot. Cartoon porn is the easiest for me to get off from, but I always giggle at the dialogue, and prefer to see real couples doing it.

17. I also write a lot of short “romance” stories. I’ve always assume that if I ever need work, I can just put together a short romance novel and then reap the benefits.

18. Once, at a preteen age, I wrote like 4 different sexual scenarios on the family computer because I didn’t have a laptop. They involved me with a boy in my math class, Simon Cowell, Lewis Black and I think Keith Moon. They were very descriptive, included positions where we would have sex (in the ceiling of my math class with one) and a storyline of the relationship and how it would end. I thought they were completely secret until months later, at a Thai food restaurant, in front of my entire family and best friend, my dad made a reference to a line I had written (something along the lines of the ceiling tiles crashing down, disturbing the class lecture). I was mortified. No one really understood, but I thought they all knew and I nearly broke down with shame. My dad told me that he thought I was a good writer later on in private, but I couldn’t look at him or Simon Cowell for a good three weeks.

19. Since I am eighteen and never have had a boyfriend, I often think that I am undesirable, or ugly. I have been told wrong, but it still is a lingering thought. “If you really think I am beautiful, why don’t other guys?” or “Well thank you for the compliment, but men don’t seem to think so” are constant thoughts. I even have had random breakdowns in bed or on a bus because I’m scared that I’m going to be alone forever.

20. Whenever I imagine my future life, I always see myself playing with a child, but no husband or partner. I wonder if that is a sign. And with the profession I have chosen to pursue, I can’t really have children without a partner. Is that my subconscious telling me that I will be alone? Or that I have chosen the wrong path?

21. Older men do find me attractive, I suppose. Since I was young I have been hit on by older men, only to be shocked when told my real age. Once at a wedding, a man offered me a drink if I danced with him. I said yes, and he asked me what I wanted, I told him a coke, and he ordered a rum and coke. I told I couldn’t drink that because I was underage. He said “oh, are you like 20?” I was 12. He couldn’t even look at me for the rest of the night.

22. One of my dad’s closest friends is 20 years younger then my dad, and I’ve always found him very attractive. He once told me that if I was his age, he would have married me instead of his wife. He was drunk at the time and no one else heard him, but I was really excited by this thought. Ever since I turned eighteen, I have heavily flirted with him, and other older men that I know, whether through Facebook or when I interact with them.

23. One constant with my fantasies is that they are always in public. Whether it’s a classroom with a locked door during passing time, or in a cottage with a party raging on outside. I wonder if this means that I need to get off in public…

24. I always wondered what my fantasy partners would think if they knew I fantasize about them. I hope that some of them would be happy or flattered, but I know that some may be horrified.

25. I feel embarrassed about writing this, and I hope it wasn’t boring compared to the other stories. I have a limited amount of experience, so there isn’t much to write about.