1. I'm a 20 year old virgin who has always known she was attracted to men, but recently has been thinking a lot about women.
2. If I had to identify as something, I would say that I'm bisexual. But normally I don't like labels because they're sticky, and there's so much unnecessary stigma surrounding bisexuality. I'm in the process of coining a new term. Sexual. I am sexual.
3. I like androgyny. I like to see men with long hair, to see women with short hair; to see men wearing skintight clothes and things like nail polish, and to see women wearing baggy clothes and sexy high-top sneakers.
4. I like petite women with small tits and toned, muscular bodies. I love a woman with defined abs. I also love a muscular man, and my favorite parts of a man are his back, his neck, and his THIGHS.
5. I have a definite type, for both men and women. I can be attracted to anyone of any size or color if I like their personality, but I'll always notice someone with dark hair and dark black eyes before I notice anyone else. My biggest star crushes on looks alone are James Franco and Gemma Arterton when she plays the princess in Prince of Persia.
6. My first kiss was with a girl from my class. I was only in second or third grade. She came over to my house for a sleepover, along with another classmate. I can't remember exactly how it started, all I know is that she kissed me first, and that at the time I really had no idea what kissing was or what it meant. I didn't realize it was something bad until the other girl sleeping over murmured "I can hear you," in this small, scared sounding voice. Thinking back on it, I'm not grossed out at all. What scares me is thinking about how my classmate knew about kissing, when I didn't know. I can't help but wonder if she was sexually abused, and the very thought makes me so sad and depressed that I wish it had never happened, or that I could completely forget about it.
7. My second sexual experience was with my cousin. We were in her room, and again, I was too young to remember how it got started. All I remember is that we hid under her covers, with our pajama bottoms down, and kissed each other's asses, of all things. Nothing else happened. We didn't kiss on the mouth (that I can remember) and we didn't touch each other's vaginas. A few years later she asked me if I remembered, in the kitchen, in front of our dads. Our dads weren't paying attention but I was mortified, and so I lied and said no, that I didn't remember. To this day I still feel ashamed.
8. I never realized that I used to masturbate as a child until this year. Back then I didn't know what masturbation was, so I didn't know that it was what I was doing. But, after the kiss with my classmate, and before the incident with my cousin, I discovered that it felt good to rub myself against things. My favorite thing to rub against was this huge, stuffed white tiger (it was as big as me). Its mouth (ironically?) felt the best, and so I would turn it over on its back, position it between my legs as I laid in bed on my stomach, and grind against it in the light of my orange nightlight. And, yeah, its snout would smell like me afterward, and I felt dirty and aroused at the same time for wanting to inhale.
9. I don't masturbate now. I haven't really found the need to, and maybe that's because I just don't know what I'm missing. I've felt myself in the tub when I'm taking showers or baths, and my entrance feels so sensitive that I shy away from fully inserting my fingers. And now that I'm actually thinking about it, I'd like to explore myself more to see if it really CAN feel good, instead of overly sensitive.
10. I had a boyfriend once, when I was in the fifth or sixth grade. He was goofy looking in an endearing way, but we were both kids and "going out" for us was nothing more than SAYING that we were "going out." I told my parents about it the week it happened, and they told me that I wasn't allowed to do that. I "broke up" with him as nicely as I could, and school life went back to normal.
11. I haven't had a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, since then. I've never been on a date, and I've never even been asked out. Sometimes it makes me feel insecure, and of course I have to wonder if there's something "wrong" with me. At the same time I'm surprisingly self-confident, to what I like to think is a humble degree. I think I have a very pretty face, if not the greatest body. I think I have an engaging personality that a lot of people would enjoy if they got to know me. I'm only 20, so I know that I still have plenty of time to find someone who appreciates me, who loves me, and who wants to fuck me like crazy.
12. I discovered m/m fanfiction about four or five years ago, and when I did my entire world changed. Before then I didn't think much about sex (consciously), but once I started reading and writing my own gay fanfiction, thinking about sex became a huge part of my life. I'm not ashamed of it at all. I think it's healthy, and I love learning and exploring new things about sex every single day. As a virgin, I feel that it's important to educate myself as much as possible so I'm prepared for whatever is thrown my way in the future.
13. I used to only read m/m smut, and for the first couple of years after discovering m/m smut, I was completely turned off by heterosexual relationships. Now, I'm rediscovering an interest in heterosexual relationships, and am newly discovering an interest in f/f relationships.
14. If slapping someone around is considered a kink, then I have a kink. Through writing and reading fanfiction, I've realized a lot of things about myself that I never realized before. Just recently I realized that I like writing couples who smack each other, and roughhouse in other ways. And once I realized that, I recalled a memory from when I was younger, and in middle school. One of the first sexual thrills I experienced with a boy is when I slapped him across the face at a school dance. My excitement surged when he grinned at me afterward.
15. I haven't experienced it yet, obviously, but I have a strong feeling that I'll love doggy style. I realized this while co-writing with another writer. We used to write about various original characters involved in romantic relationships, starting off with gay couples and slowly branching into heterosexual couples. One day, a female character of mine got to talking to one of my co-writer's male characters, and the next thing we know the two of them are going at it doggy style. They couldn't stop fucking each other that way for at least two hours (through IMs on MSN). Writing about made-up people fucking each other might sound bizarre to some people, but in all actuality, it feels very natural. It feels GOOD. It's a way to explore and release your own sexual desires. And since then, a girl being fucked roughly from behind, with her ass arched high and her guy shoving himself balls-deep inside her, is one of the fantasies I think about the most.
16. I also discovered, through co-writing, that a monogamous relationship doesn't exactly mean that you can't fuck other people. I grew up believing that fucking someone other than your partner is cheating on them, and the ultimate betrayal. I grew up thinking that if you loved someone, you would never think about anyone else, and if you did, that meant that you didn't "truly" love them. But, writing for the minds of the characters I created, I learned that it's entirely possible to love someone with your whole heart even as you fantasize about someone else. I understand what it's like to want to fuck someone for pure, physical pleasure, but to want to wake up next to that other person, whom you love, for the rest of your days. I understand what it's like to give your body to someone because it feels good, but to have your soul, your heart, and your mind belong to someone else.
17. But if you want to fuck someone when you're in a committed relationship with someone else, communication is the key. I believe that if you decide to fuck someone else without telling your partner, that it IS a betrayal of their trust, and your love. To truly love someone is to respect their feelings. That means talking to them before you sleep with someone else. Let them know that you want to sleep with someone else, let them know who that person is, and let them know anything else they want to know for it to be okay. Make sure that they're comfortable with the situation before you do it, and make sure that they know that you love THEM, and only them.
18. I have an insane attraction for drag queens, or men in makeup. I specifically love men wearing lipstick. I would love to kiss a man while he's wearing lipstick. I would love to look at him in a corset, and to have him fuck me in a corset, with his brightly polished fingernails digging into my hips.
19. I used to be embarrassed by the word "fuck," and I used to be offended by the word "cunt." Now I use fuck like I use toilet paper when I take a shit, and I think that cunt, coming from the right mouth, can be incredibly sexy.
20. I am a feminist, who believes in women having anything a man can have, wanting anything a man may want, and doing anything a man can do. I believe in men and women being equal to each other, and I can't stand it when people think that men are the superior sex. That said, I fully support D/s relationships. As long as it's consensual, and as long as the submissive partner (whether they be female OR male) genuinely enjoys being dominated, I am entirely down with D/s relationships (and all things power-play). Because, of course, domination and submission is something entirely different from things like misogyny and a man's superiority complex. Anyone who knows anything about the BDSM world knows that it's built on respect for your partner, and mutual consent.
21. I fantasize about pegging. It has nothing to do with feminism, and nothing to do with wanting to turn the tables on men. It has nothing to do with "getting them back." I love the idea of pegging because I find it incredibly sexy when a man is comfortable enough in his own skin, and so trusting of his female partner, that he'd be willing to put himself in such a vulnerable position. I think it's sexy because to me, it's an incredible display of trust and love.
22. Whenever I see an attractive girl, I immediately think about her nipples in my mouth. I fantasize about nursing her nipples until they're sore, and then working my way down until I'm between her legs. I'd rather eat a girl out than give a man a blow job.
23. The above said, a man's cum is more attractive to me than a girl's fluid when she "squirts."
24. I'm in the process of "coming out" to my mom. She thinks that bisexual girls "claim" to be bisexual for attention. She thinks that they're just faking their "bisexuality" because it's the It Thing to do right now. She thinks that girls kiss each other for the sole purpose of entertaining a male audience. I asked her a year ago what she would think if I told her I was bi, and she told me that she wouldn't believe me. Because of that, I'm terrified to my very core to let her know that I've fantasized about going down on women. Sometimes I'd rather be a straight up lesbian, because at least then my mom wouldn't excuse me of lying about my sexuality just to get attention.
25. I'm worried about having penetrative sex for the first time because I'm very sensitive down there, and even though it doesn't hurt to put tampons in, it's excruciatingly painful when I pull a super out. Because of that, I refuse to use super tampons. It was also excruciatingly painful when I went to the gyno for an exam. I have no way of knowing if that's just natural, because my mom told me that the gyno is painful for her too. I don't have to worry about lubricating because I realized how wet I get after reading some steamy fanfiction. I'm hoping that the pain comes from lack of proper lubrication, and that when I do try penetrative sex, it'll be enjoyable instead of excruciating (the initial penetration notwithstanding).