Thursday, October 27, 2011

1. I am a 29 year old female biologically, though I identify as genderqueer. I am not butch, or femme, but rather I dance all over gender lines whenever I feel like it and therefore think queer is the best term.

2. I was molested by two different people growing up. One was a boy who lived downstairs from me when I was eight. The other was a man who moved in with my mother and me when I was eleven. I can forgive the boy. I think he was hurt by someone, and he was only twelve. I can never forgive the man. I made a secret account on Facebook of a girl who was seriously underage and looked him up to see if he was still a pervert. He made a big show of saying how we couldn't talk like that "officially" and how that shit always got him in trouble. I'll never forgive him.

3. I first consented to sex when I was fifteen. I didn't have an orgasm during sex until I was twenty-three. I spent eight years thinking I was broken. I still have only had one orgasm during sex when I wasn't on top.

4. My sexual fantasies often feature incest, abuse, or molestation scenarios. I used to hate myself for that and think I must have wanted it. I have since read a lot of shit that says that's the healthiest way for a mind to cope with that level of abuse. I often read very depraved stories, but I always look for sites with disclaimers about how it's all fiction. Anything else turns my stomach.

5. I often fantasize about having a penis. I bought a sex toy that seats inside with one end and protrudes like an attached cock, and I love it. Sometimes I jerk it off until I come with the base of it mashing my clit.

6. My first boyfriend would routinely ask me, before giving oral sex, if I'd taken a shower that day, and if I had taken one recently enough. Since then I've never really gotten over it. I don't much like receiving oral sex. It induces too much anxiety about taste and smell, and only one or two boyfriends have ever overcome it enough to make it comfortable.

7. I hate sleeping in a bed with someone about 90% of the time. Every once in a long time it's okay, but I often have nightmares or freak out about someone touching me in my sleep due to the early shit in my life.

8. I find the notion of impregnation to be incredibly sensual and hot, but actually tend to fantasize about it from the male perspective.

9. I hate the smell of semen leaking out of me. It smells horrible, far worse than coming out of a penis, and far worse than I ever smell. I resent that men think that smell is a woman's fault. It's theirs.

10. When someone says the word, "rape," I tense up. It's not because I'm experiencing flashbacks or starting to freak out. It's because I don't want them to know my secrets and I'm afraid they can tell. Sometimes it's because they're using the word so casually that I get nauseous.

11. Almost all of my sex life is online with someone I love. I don't have healthy sexual relationships. I tend to be really sexual for a few months. Then something happens and we don't have sex for a while. Then they bring it up in an accusing way, and I never want to touch them again.

12. I once masturbated in the pew of a church. Just to be perverse. It was during a service.

13. I love gay erotic photos. I'm not very fond of gonzo, super tan, daddy spank twink type porn. I like the realistic ones that are actual couples, and not airbrushed. I especially love nudes of men that look vulnerable or ecstatic.

14. I have come to the understanding that with my genderqueer outlook, there are some men I am attracted to, and some men I admire and want to be like. Too often, I date people I admire and want to be like instead of people I'm attracted to. It's hardest to tell with men, because I'm not a man. With women I can tell better. I can relate what I wish I could look like, and realize I just admire her like a portrait or a sculpture. With men it's more dangerous. I've nearly married a man who I wasn't attracted to.

15. My first sexual experience was not the molestation. Or rather, it happened right around then. I messed around playing doctor with a young boy my age. It was probably the only thing that saved me from thinking sex was a vile abusive world of shit. I gave my first blowjob around that age, though it wasn't very extensive.

16. I was once incredibly impressionable and would do things like grow my hair out and wear it long for years because cute guys told me it would look hot. Funny, none of them ever wanted me when it was long. I was still some annoying idiot to them or something, and then I was apparently a moron too. I no longer care, and often stubbornly choose my own way even when I might've compromised before.

17. I have dealbreakers when I date someone I'm attracted to. People say you have to compromise. But there are things I don't compromise on anymore. Gay marriage should be a right, oral sex on women is not "gross," no one gets to tell me to shave my legs but me, and my gender is still paid 30% less than men and that sucks.

18. I'm polyamorous. That's by choice, because I don't want to be solely responsible for one person's sexuality. I shouldn't be anyway. It bothers me that many men and some women think that once you're in a relationship, they're "owed" release regularly in order to stay in a relationship. So I'm poly, because if he/she can get it somewhere else, I can tell them no. It's a poor substitute for actual sexual rights and agency, but it works.

19. I have been in threesomes with 8 different couples. This came mostly from being "the bi open chick" in a social circle. Of all of those couples, only one couple ever made me feel welcome and loved for who I was. I still sleep with them sometimes, 7 years later. I don't even see any of the other couples, but none of them are still together. I think there's some link there.

20. I have a refractory period. Boasting assholes inevitably say, "Oh, I could make you multiple orgasm!" and I tend to say, "You could try, and I'd kick you in the face." My pussy gets too sensitive to touch for about five minutes after I come, and only something inside it is okay, not something on my clit. It takes about ten minutes all told to be able to start working on an orgasm again, minimum. Usually I need a lot more stimulation. I have never come more than once in one 'session' with a partner, ever.

21. I have had the most mindblowing sex of my life by pretending to be asleep in a planned out scene with someone I trusted. It wasn't planned in advance - just an idea we had on the spot. We often roleplayed incest or sleep abuse. I usually came incredibly hard.

22. I like semi-soft penises. The feeling of the softer skin curling and pushing into me as I rock and squeeze makes me come like nothing else. I often come after the guy because they let me keep riding them.

23. I first masturbated when I was five. I didn't know I was masturbating. I would put things in my pants and rock on the floor alone in my room.

24. I'm really good at giving head. Men or women. While I have had bad experiences with smell or taste, I never, ever say a word. My own experience tells me they'll never recover from it.

25. I don't shave my legs unless I feel like it, and any man who doesn't like that can go fuck himself. He sure won't be fucking me.