Thursday, April 19, 2012

1.      I am a 23-year-old cis woman who is mostly straight.

2.      My sexual past is not for the faint of heart. I was in a 5+-years-long relationship with a man who physically, emotionally, and sexually abused me.

3.      Some sexual experiences with him I would now call rape.

4.      I now have issues with trusting men and am not sure that I am capable of romantic love at the moment.

5.      Compounding this trauma history is the fact that I have a sexual pain disorder. PIV intercourse (most penetration, really) is excruciatingly painful. My ex was well aware of this.

6.      All treatments for the condition have failed to improve my experience in PIV intercourse. I am not emotionally capable of trying again right now.

7.      For the past few years I preferred to identify as an asexual, and avoided sexual situations and physical contact with men.

8.      I celebrate the fact that it’s been nearly a year since I broke up with my ex, and nearly 18 months since I’ve had sex. At the one-year anniversary, I had champagne.

9.      I have barely been touched in the past year. I have either flinched or stiffened and pulled away when my guy friends have touched me, and my current (female) roommate is the least physically affectionate person I know.

10.  It’s been nearly three years since I last truly wanted to be touched by a man.

11.  I do not orgasm and never have. It’s really not surprising, given all of the above. When I masturbate, I just focus on feeling pleasure.

12.  I rarely masturbate. It happens maybe once a month, and that’s the most frequent it’s ever happened.

13.  I have a pretty low sex drive. This was true pretty early on in my past relationship, and I found out about the pain disorder. I think it’s partially tied to me being on birth control pills.

14.  I am an avid reader of romance novels and fan-fiction. These have served as safe outlets for my sexuality for years.

15.  I consider myself to be pretty--beautiful, even. I am tall and slender with medium-sized breasts and long legs. My green eyes are my favorite feature.

16.  I absolutely want to have a sexual experience with a woman. I don’t think that it would progress beyond kissing and some fondling, but I want to know what it’s like.

17.  With men, I am very attracted to broad shoulders. I want something to hold on to/bite down on. Strong arms and a large chest are also pretty desirable.

18.  A man’s hands are also incredibly attractive to me. Strong, capable hands, with callouses.

19.  In women, I think softness is physically attractive. I like soft medium-sized breasts, rounded hips, and she’d be smaller than me.

20.  Eyes are the windows to the soul. Warm eyes for either gender are crucial for me to be turned on.

21.  Turn-offs include jealousy, possessiveness, lying, and manipulation. I don’t know that I have any explicit physical turn-offs, more preferences.

22.  I hooked up with a guy for the first time ever about a month ago. We just made out and felt each other up a little. No one was more surprised this happened than me.

23.  In my mind, I refer to this person as Pandora. He kinda opened up my box of repressed sexual desire, personal attachment, and hope.

24.  Thanks to him, I remembered/was reminded that I have a very sensitive neck.

25.  He and I are going to be just friends. I was sad about this at first, but I’m actually relieved about it now. I’ve got a lot that I’m working through, and I was already feeling pressure about opening up about my past and my condition.