Thursday, January 3, 2013

1.) I’m a straight white cis-male in his mid-thirties, and my sex life is basically just a series of contradictions.

2.) I’m 6’4” and around 200 pounds. I like the sound of that, but in reality I’m fairly lanky. I’ve always had a lot of self image issues that have really done a number on my sex life.  It’s really hard for me to escape the definition of being an ugly guy. I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t see how I’m ugly, but somehow I accepted that’s how other people see me.  They just see me as being a taller version of Bill Gates despite the fact that I have really good hygiene and I keep my hair short (just like it that way). 

3.) I don’t think most guys have a good grasp on their sexuality. The sheer social programming alone forces most guys into a default role. There are no bonus points for guys who experiment. If you’re not completely straight or gay then you have to be really careful about what you say to a girl. Even if most girls won’t admit this; they see any homosexuality as a weakness in their mate, and it messes with their submissive headspace. I don’t blame them because they don’t consciously do this. It’s not that they don’t want their heart/bodies to be as open as their mind. In a lot of ways I think I’ve just become frustrated with it. Lets just say I have a tremendous amount of respect and admiration for girls who truly reject gender roles and are open to sexual parters who don’t fit the stereotypical roles.

4.) I identify with being a switch, but in reality it's easier for me to be dominant. Not just easier because I’m used to being in control, but it's easier because the girls tend to be submissive. I really want a girl to take control in the bedroom just once to see what it feels like. To have them set aside all insecurity and just hump the fuck out of my face. I would be so much better at pleasing a girl if they were as open and assertive as I am when it comes to sex. Although it is getting better as I date older girls who have a more developed sexuality, and aren't nearly as submissive.

5.) Every girl I’ve had any sexual contact with her either been raped or sexually molested, and it's always been hard for me to process it. I’ve promised to treat them as being pure, and not as a victim. At one point I really felt like my fate was to eventually kill one of the bastards that did that to them. I know that it's often cyclical, and it points to a bigger social problem. These days I’m just a huge advocate for sex education, and in trying to identify problems early on. What if people learned what sex really was? Where they didn’t learn it from porn?

6.)  I don’t know exactly when I started to masturbate. I’m sure I started out like most boys where it just felt good to hump the bed a little while laying on my stomach. It just slowly started to progress more and more till I had my hands wrapped around my penis and pulling sheets under it.

7.) I’m kinda embarrassed to admit the fact that I didn’t really correctly masturbate until high school. I’m not sure when I eventually figured out you were supposed to be on your back with your hand around your cock.

8.) I never put my finger in my ass while masturbating. It’s pretty fucked up because I like it when a girl does it. For some reason I’m obsessed with the idea of saving it.

9.) When it really comes down to it, I’m a hedonist more than simply being a sexual person. I like indulgences, and I fail to see why sex shouldn’t play a central role.

10.) I’ve been single for my entire life, and the closest I got to a relationship was a long-distance thing that lasted for way longer than it should have. I think she would agree with that, but at the same time I think we’re both grateful that it happened. I see it as something that had a profound effect on me. Just the idea that it could happen, and I wasn’t a completely broken person.

11.) I’m obsessed with the idea of a regular sex partner. Just someone who comes over once a week, and we play around. I see it as the ultimate form of a crutch. Just some way to make it by, even though I know relationship-wise my entire life is a train wreck. I don’t even care if I have to pay for it as long as I’m not completely paying for it. I want the money to be just a bridge between my age and her age (probably much younger), and our looks. I don’t want some escort, or some prostitute, but just some college girl who likes sex and likes money. I put the value on this at $1000-$1500 a month. It’s kinda fucked up that it turns me on, but I know it's a terrible idea. Any time you mix sex and money, everything gets so manipulative.  In so many ways its just self-inflicted pain, and I’m not even a masochist. I’ve gone to a web site, but I just can’t bring myself to fill out a profile. In a lot of ways it would be like giving up.

12.) Related to Number 11 is the fact that I’m greatly turned on by the idea of reluctance. The idea that a girl sorta likes someone, but needs something extra to push her. Like having a girl over and she knows $1000 is sitting on the dresser. Will she take it in the morning or will she leave it? How will she feel about herself if she takes it? I have the control if she takes it, but if she leaves it then she strips me of all control. She takes my crutch away and leaves me in unfamiliar territory. I want this fantasy to go away, but I can’t deny how hard it makes me.

13.) I like the idea of sex probably more than sex itself. I hate the idea of sex as being some expectation. I’d rather tie a girl up and leave her open and wanting than simply giving into the expectation that I’m just going to fuck her like last week or the week before.

14.) Years ago I kept a strap-on under my bed hoping to find a girl that would try it on me. At some point I gave up on a girl ever doing it right so I threw it away. The lasting memory from it was a girl laughing way too much when she had it on to do anything.

15.) Sometimes I think I have an unhealthy obsession with the idea of a girl. That I’ve romanticized girls way too much, and given them way too much power. After all, people are people regardless of the gender, but there is just something so alluring to a girl. 

16.) When I was younger I wanted to be tied up and stripped by a bunch of girls. I still do, even though I know it would never translate to real life. Just being a boy toy that a girl could abuse turns me on greatly. Bonus points if they make me suck a cock in front of them. Just showing them that weakness, and being forced to deal with the shame I felt. Even though I know there is absolutely nothing shameful about sucking a cock. It’s just sex, and at some point I’d probably laugh about it.

17.) I envy how girls can be objectified. I know this is a terrible thing, and it’s undeniable how much harm it does to girls. But, at the same time it’s just so powerful. The idea that someone wants to see you naked. As a guy unless you’re an Adonis you’re basically just comedic relief. Most CFNM porn should be renamed as extremely funny comedy. I’m sure if I watched it with a girl she’d be laughing hysterically.

18.) I’m obsessed with my own cock. I love the shape, the size and the look of it. I love how angry it gets sometimes. Once a girl even had the gall to say that it was tragic that it didn’t get out and play more--that it was stuck on some engineer's body who had terrible people skills. Sometimes it does let me down. The angry full-blown baseball bat imitation doesn’t happen all the time. I’m sure it's some chemical thing that only peaks for a few days a month, or if there is a particular girl that is making me really horny.

19.) I’m obsessed with blow jobs, and I’ll never be with a girl who doesn’t take it into her mouth. I also love giving oral, so I don’t see any issue with this.

20.) I’m a monogamous person at heart, but I’ve completely rejected monogamy in my own life. I want the people in the relationship to define what the relationship is, and not just some construct, some idealistic bullshit we're supposed to match up to. I’ll never leave a girl if she is sick, or has cancer, or anything else. I’m the most dedicated guy a girl will ever find, but that doesn’t mean I’ll be monogamous sex-wise. I think it really just comes down to being honest with each other. Honest about our needs and our intentions. You’re supposed to love the person for who they are.

21.) I never see the doctor unless there is something wrong with my cock. I had a hernia once, and so I went to see the doctor because it made my cock look bad. I secretly wonder if my rather intense masturbation didn’t help cause it. The easiest way to get me to see the doctor is to deny me sex. Yes, I know this is silly, but doctors scare the crap out of me.

22.) I love girls that see themselves as a slut or embrace their own sexuality (which is the same thing), and they don’t feel ashamed of it.  For whatever reason, I see the MFM threesome as being the graduation point into sluthood. Yes, even I can admit that might be silly, but I like it. It’s that act because of the intimacy and the double penetration. Bonus points if the guys are friends and they shared her despite the competitive nature the two friends have.

23.) I have a thing for girls in the 18-22 range. Some will say it's abusive, and some will say I’m stuck in my past. But it's just such a beautiful thing to see a girl discover something. It’s like teaching someone how to drive. To teach them the beauty of accepting pleasure. If I’m ever with a young girl again, I’m going to do a brilliant job teaching them. Or maybe I’ll just give it up because it’s impossible, or I’m better suited to girls in the 25-35 range.

24.) I don’t personally use sex toys on myself, but I’m in the process of designing sex toys for use in orgasm recording and denial (EKG type stuff). I’m fascinated by the idea of knowing someone is being pleasured by the the brain waves they give off.

25.) I don’t drink or do drugs. I’m not against those things, but they just don’t do anything for me. I do kinda wonder, though, how much it's cost me in terms of sexual exploration.