Friday, April 24, 2009

1. I am fascinated by sex. Particularly how other people do it, I wonder about everyone I meet, and quite a few I don’t (people on the train, strangers on the street, the guy who makes my coffee). I want to know what they like, how they fuck, what their face looks like when they come. In spite of the anonymity, I love this blog for the insight it gives into the secret world of other peoples sex lives.

2. In high school, I was the “go to” girl for my circle of friends, the one who could – and would – answer just about any question they might have, the one who experimented first, who lost their virginity first, and who could talk about it matter of factly. I loved being the “go to” girl. These days my circle of friends is mostly made up of sluts and perverts. We talk about sex a lot, we recognise that it’s a fundamental part of life and important, we are sex positive and open about our pleasures and perversions. I love being surrounded by people who are as fascinated and open about sex as I am.

3. I believe that my open attitude to sex comes from my mother. She met my natural childish curiosity and questions with matter of fact answers, no hint of the embarrassment or shame that adults so often seem to have in dealing with “those” questions from kids. She taught me that it was ok to talk about sex from a very early age, and empowered me as a teenager to make informed choices for myself. I will forever be grateful to her for this.

4. The only time in my life I have not been able to talk about sex was when I was molested by a family member from the age of 8 to 10. I was staying with extended family for the school holidays, a long way from my parents, and after the first instance I told the offender's partner. She punished me for lying and told me I was a terrible dirty and nasty girl. Her words, more than anything he did to me, made me feel ashamed, and that it was my fault. It took me a long time to heal from the emotional scars of both the abuse by him, and the shaming by her.

5. I don’t consider what happened to me as a child as “losing my virginity”. The literal definition of “breaking the hymen” has so little bearing on what is important about sex, the first and foremost of which in my opinion is consent. I lost my virginity a week after my 16th birthday with my boyfriend at the time. He wasn’t a virgin, but had only slept with one girl before me, and only twice with her, so his experience level wasn’t terribly far ahead of mine. It was awkward, inexperienced fumbling around, not very great on a physical level, but the thing that I remember most about it was how much we laughed, and how relaxed and fun it was, in spite of both being a bit unsure about how to do what we were doing.

6. Sex is fun. It should be joyous and involve laughter. Of course it should also be passionate, and intense, and fierce and gentle and loving and even at times solemn. But if a lover can’t laugh in bed, they’re not the lover for me.

7. I believe that sex is basically ridiculous. If you ever think about what it is that you’re actually doing, right in that moment, it just seems so absurd. This is part of the reason that laughter is so important. Also, no-one always has perfect sex, things go wrong, legs cramp, strange noises happen, heads get bumped on bed-heads or bedside tables, car horns get knocked, people fall off the bed, the cat sneaks in and decides to play with things that might be swinging around, the bed breaks, and like the rest of life if you can’t laugh at yourself, or at situations, then it’s a pretty dire kind of life.

8. I label myself as a dyke, but I’ve actually had more male or male-identified partners than I have had female partners. My last three sexual partners have been male-identified. I sometimes label myself as queer, it’s more generous in its definition and makes it easier for some people to wrap their head around my sexual identity, and saves me having to do the gender/sexuality/social politics 101 class in social situations where it might not be appropriate. Given the chance though I love to educate people who may not have been exposed to “alternative” sexualities, or gender-expressions, not necessarily to change their opinions, although that is certainly part of it if they are homophobic or transphobic, but I believe that fear of “other” stems largely from lack of knowledge or understanding, and this is particularly prevalent when it comes to sexuality, because there just aren’t enough people talking openly about it!

9. “Dyke” for me is not just about who I like to fuck, which is why I am comfortable labelling myself a dyke even when my partner identifies as male. My sexual identity is about me, who I have sex with is an important part of it but it is not the sole defining factor.

10. I was introduced to BDSM when I was about 26 years old, by someone who was a somewhat new friend at the time. After I had been party to several conversations about kink between him and another mutual friend, and asked some probing questions, he loaned me some books by Pat Califia. It was as revelatory as the first time I had sex with a woman, it gave substance and framework to the things I had been vaguely fantasising about and wanting, without knowing what they were or how they happened. I haven’t looked back since.

11. The first time I had sex with a woman was when I was 23 years old. I’m a wordy person and I’m still not sure I have words to adequately convey the revelation it was for me. In the midst of this intense, mind-blowing, sensual and overwhelming experience, three slats on the bed fell out of place forming a great big hole for the mattress and us to fall into. When we stopped laughing, we extricated ourselves from the hole, unstuck the mattress from the hole and dragged it onto the floor, and kept going with the beautiful, magical, intense lovemaking.

12. At this point in my life I have enacted just about all of my sexual fantasies. Some should have stayed as fantasies, some were amazing but for one reason or another are unlikely to happen again, and some have become regular features in my sexual life. I don’t regret anything I’ve done.

13. The sexual fantasies I have that haven’t been lived out never will be, because they are not legally or physically possible.

14. I’m jealous of my slutty friends. The ones who can have casual sex with multiple partners without the need for some kind of emotional attachment. I have tried it, and unfortunately I always end up trying to make a relationship out of it. I have learnt that you can’t build a relationship based on sex. I can however quite successfully manage a “friends with benefits” relationship and have done so for lengthy periods a few times. I am determined to get past the social programming that makes me feel that sex requires an emotional connection of some kind. Intellectually I disagree with that precept but it’s very deeply embedded in my psyche and needs to be dug out bit by bit. I’ll get there!

15. I have faked approximately 60% of all orgasms I have ever had with partners. I’m very good at it. I do this because I can take a long time to get there, and most lovers I have had have placed tremendous importance on the orgasm. I ascribe more to “the journey is as important as the destination” way of life, including sex, and find it more expedient to fake rather than give a determined lover RSI or lockjaw with two hours of effort in trying to get me there. There comes a point in some romps when I know I’m just not going to have an orgasm, no matter what, and I have tried explaining this to various lovers and assuring them that it’s ok, but they always seem to feel like they have failed, and become dejected, and to be perfectly callous about it, spending the next half hour assuring them that they’re a great lover and it’s not them it’s me, is boring and negates all the happy fun good feeling the non-orgasmic sex has given me. It really is ok if sex doesn’t end in an orgasm. I promise. Not that orgasms aren’t wonderful, they really are, who doesn’t love an orgasm? But they’re not the most important part of sex, and not worth sacrificing the important parts (feeling good, having fun, sharing intimacy) for.

16. I love kissing. LOVE IT. I would happily spend hours just kissing someone who’s a good kisser. Kissing, when it’s done right, can feel more intimate than anything else.

17. I am a fat woman, and like most women, fat or thin, I sometimes have issues with body confidence. What I think makes me an unusual fatty though, is that I have zero shame about my body when it comes to sex. None of this “lights off” bullshit, if someone is there wanting to shag me, they know I’m fat, I figure they’re not going to run if they see me naked. No-one has yet!

18. I love sucking dyke/trans cock. I sucked a lot of bio cock in my younger pre-queer years, and always enjoyed it, but there are a few things hotter to me than being on my knees in front of a woman, or genderqueer, with a large cock strapped on for me to blow. It’s even better if they just hold my head in their hands and fuck my face.

19. I enjoy sex a whole lot more if there is some kind of power dynamic involved. I get bored completely with gentle egalitarian lesbian love. I want a partner I can call Daddy, or Sir, or Ma’am, who will hurt me and slam me against the wall, or throw me down on the bed and fuck me senseless.

20. My back is the most sensitively erogenous zone of my body. Having my back touched, kissed, licked, bitten (really hard at the top, gently the lower you go) gets me so incredibly wet.

21. When I orgasm, I stop breathing. I’ve not found anyone else who does this. I’ve figured out now though that if I’m close and just not quite there, I can hold my breath and it will tip me over. Really hard, intense or multiple orgasms have been known to make me black out from lack of oxygen.

22. I find transmen unspeakably sexy for a multitude of reasons, not least for their transgression of gender norms and traditional masculinity.

23. I only really got into masturbating after the end of my last relationship. Prior to that I would do it sporadically but because it took me a long time to orgasm I would get bored and stop most times. For various reasons I lost a lot of myself identity and sense of self in my last relationship and part of getting over that was reconnecting with my body and reclaiming it as my own. I devoted time to exploring my body, finding new ways to touch myself… connecting brain and body and sexuality. I love it now and can make myself climax usually within 10 minutes, sometimes less.

24. I really enjoy watching porn. Particularly gay male porn. When I was about 12 or 13 I discovered my Dad’s porn stash and after that, every time I was home alone I would raid it and watch the movies, or flick through the magazines. I still feel vaguely guilty every time I buy or watch porn, but it’s the kind of illicit thrill that just adds to the experience.

25. I would love to work in a sex shop, in part because I love toys and love being able to encourage other folks to explore sex and have fun with it, but also because of the voyeuristic aspect of glimpses into other peoples sex lives.