Thursday, April 30, 2009

1. I love how I feel when I have sex but I hate knowing that no guy I've slept with has ever loved me. Even those who cared didn't love me.
2. I've slept with over 15 men but I never admit to all of them. How many I admit varies according to who am I confessing to but usually the number is around 4 because I can't deny them.
3. I'm a slut with a heart of gold but I know things are never like the movies. However, I still want to sleep with a man regardless of how soon and have him still love me. This is why I look at them at the eyes while I blow them, after I read that makes a man love you. I know it isn't so but blowing men makes me the happiest of all.
4. I can come through vaginal intercourse, even the first time I had sex, however, I fear it might attach me to the guy I am with. I've done my whole sexual life (5 years) because my first time when I was about to cum I literally got up and said I'd blow him instead.
5. The last guy I had sex with was the biggest guy I have ever seen and nothing made more proud than his face when I put his entire dick in my mouth without gagging.
6. Although I'm not particularly attracted to girls or have even experimented with girls, I still think about them when I'm masturbating.
7. I masturbate at least once a day because otherwise my head is not clear. I also do it whenever I'm at home because I hate how I feel at home.
8. I've said I love you but I know I haven't felt it. Still I like pretending I do and that whoever I'm having sex with. I fear that I'll settle for any man who holds my hand during sex or kisses me for hours instead of being with someone who really loves me. yet I have no qualms of sleeping too early with men, which disqualifies me for a serious relationship.
9. I'm ashamed of sending this list because people always mention things like BDSM or are really explicit, whereas all I can talk about is how I feel while I'm having sex.
10. I was first into heavy petting when I was about 11 with a boy who was a couple of years older than me. With him I learned it felt good, however, I also learned how to keep going with the touching but never looking at his face. I don't know how to figuratively look at someone's face yet. Last guy I was with I thought I'd be able to until he said he would never want anything serious with me so I offered to be his fuck buddy.
11. I'm bipolar and that's why I act like I do. Never attach yourself in order to avoid suffering as well as the suffering of others and jump from guy to guy. I've been aware of this since I was a kid, and although I don't qualify as promiscuous I still have an inability to slow down with a guy so he can do whatever it is he is supposed to do in order to take me seriously.
12. I don't believe in the rules I'm supposed to follow, such as never go out with him two days in a row, but deep down I know it's what I'm supposed to do. Supposing aside, nothing is better than knowing someone just the right amount so we can have chemistry and fire. My last guy hated me when he met me and one night we talked for hours when he kissed me. All that kept us from having sex was that we heard his sister waking up... I don't think I could have stopped myself and I didn't even like him at the time; I just missed sex.
13. I read this blog as well as other columns about sex because I'm obsessed with it. I think the reason I talk so much is so I can stop thinking about it. The smell that a room gets after people have been there, how a man's hairy body can squash me gently and how a man's back looks like. Watching them leave turns me on I guess because I love shoulders and arms.
14. Although I've never been molested, sometimes I wonder if this would explain how I am or maybe excuse it somehow, because I can't understand why I still do the things I do. Sex makes me so happy, yet I feel like I don't respect myself most of the time.
15. I don't have a specific type of man. All I ask for is someone who smells good because I don't even want someone who'll speak to me. Luckily I've never had a man disappoint me in this but I always feel like I fail them, which is why I don't like oral sex on me. I feel like it smells horrible and he won't say anything because he'd rather sacrifice breathing for a few minutes instead of a full fuck. Another reason I don't like oral sex is because I always want to pee and I'd hate to pee on anyone's mouth.
16. My longest relationship was 6 months long and I never slept with him. Sex wasn't even part of the equation because I asked him that I wanted to wait a year before sleeping with him and he agreed. He cheated on me several times and when I found out he confessed he loved me but he still needed the sex.
17. I'm always wet but whenever a guy I like touches me, even innocuously, I go into overdrive and literally wet my underwear a little. Along with the wetting I get chills that run all over my body.
18. I talk about sex openly and answer almost any question someone makes me but I lie all the time. Usually I lie because I'm embarrassed but lately I lie because it's what I've always done. I believe some of my lies sometimes because otherwise I need to admit I'm lonely instead of a liberated woman with control over her body.
19. Although I'm not violent outside the bedroom I love getting spanked and dominated. I'm an admitted bottom and all I want is a man who'll control me. Secretly, I want someone to be my pause but men don't like keeping a woman who'll challenge how much of a man they are even if she worships everything in their body that makes them a man like body hair, large hands and broad shoulders.
20. My therapist thinks I can lead a normal life but I know I can't because I'm still making the same mistakes I did when I was younger. My last attempt at a relationship was less than a month long and I put everything on it. It was my chance to show myself and even others I could restrain myself but I couldn't. I hate admitting that I think that I can't so I should avoid sex altogether or get a fuck buddy.
21. I've never been with the same partner more than 10 times even though they are always impressed with what I can do.
22. When I'm not with someone I never think about the men around me. Instead I think about the men I've been with, especially the last one, because I can still feel him touching me. I can close my eyes any given moment and feel that last man next to my body. I've only been medicated for a few months so this shouldn't affect it but sometimes I think this makes me nutty.
23. I've never had even an attempt at romance while having sex and that hurts a little. Because the first couple of men I was with never did that I still say I don't like mushy gestures but I secretly envy my friends who have boyfriends who walk with them holding hands and send them flowers and fill their rooms with balloons for Valentine's day.
24. I flirt shamelessly when I need something but I never want anything sexual from these men. I've never been on a real date because I know that men just want to get in my pants. I'm so cynical I don't give any man a chance or even myself.
25. I'm crying as I write this list up but I'm almost sure the guy I offered the fuck buddy status will say yes so I can feel better again.