Wednesday, July 1, 2009

1. I lost my virginity when I was 16, it was something I really wanted to do. I gave it to a guy I had been with for several months, I wanted to wash away the sensations of childhood abuse and persuaded him that it was the right time. It was incredibly disappointing, like a promise unfulfilled. I just lay there afterwards staring at the ceiling. On returning home the following day I cried so hard that my little sister gave me money for the call box and told me to summon the boyfriend.

2. In the 12 years since then I've slept with 43 males and 4 girls. I think. I have a strong feeling that something will be wrong if I forget a single one.

3. I've experienced 'date rape' twice, although at the time I don't think I had my head together enough to realize that's what it was. The first time I was so drunk I was almost entirely incapable. The second time the guy just kept pushing himself on me over and over saying" you know you want to, you know you want it" until I stopped fighting and lay and looked at the ceiling, which did not seem to diminish his enjoyment. I tried to sneak out in the morning but his front door was double locked and he had the key, I had to wait for him to wake up.

4. I think I've been masturbating since I was three or four. In some ways it worries me because it wasn't just touching, I used to put things inside myself, and what three year old knows where it goes?

5. The first person to touch me up was a boy I went to crèche with. He used to make me all squiggly and wet and give me butterflies in my tummy. We were three.

6. The first person I kissed and held naked in my arms was a girl. She was pretty and naughty and I loved and was fascinated by her body. I was always hoping we'd get a chance to 'play' and was gutted when she went off me. I was 8.

7. My first French kiss was with a girl, she put her tongue in my mouth. It was fairly unappealing compared to my previous experiments, but I was thrilled and goose bumpy. I wanted more, she didn’t. I was 10 she was exactly two years my junior. I still know her and see her around, sometimes I babysit her daughter, but I pretend I've forgotten.

8. I love giving head. Love it. I've always maintained that it's the closest you can get to having someone's soul in your mouth. I have said as much to people, but they are mainly very mean and crude, anyone who says "No, it's like having a cock in your mouth" makes me want to retort “Well you must be doing it wrong then!". It's a strange feeling to have arrived at considering how I began my career of fellatio. I hated it, it was veiny and sticky and smelly and gross. I hated him for making me and I once had the most horrendous accident with my braces....

9.I used to be totally detached about sex. I didn't live with my emotions, not really. I used it like people use drugs.

10. The first girl I went down on I was dying for, I'd loved her for years. It was the most powerful lust I think I've ever felt. I still dream about her.

11. My first boyfriend kept trying to put my hand on his cock and I couldn't understand why. I was 15. I'd never met a cock and he didn't introduce me, he never spoke a word about it, just kept trying to put my hand inside his trousers. We didn't last, he was selfish and arrogant. Years later I slept with him and he wasn't up to much. Afterwards he told his mother that I'd "used" him.

12. I once experienced something like love at first sight. My heart was in my mouth. I had to know her, yet I felt I'd known her all my life, for all time. The first time I kissed her I wished I could tear my body open so she could climb inside and stay forever. She had freckles and tasted of cinnamon.

13. I'd love to have two men, gives me goosebumps even thinking about it . But I think I've missed my best chance. I slept with a good friend’s best mate, I'd invited my friend to come too, and I know he wanted to. All the way through I kept wishing he'd come in and take me. They’d already shared a woman before and I trusted them both. I wish it'd happened that night, I don't think it ever will now.

14. I've had a highly charged relationship with submission. Being held down, choked, having my mouth and throat filled, being spanked and slapped, having my hair pulled and my movement restricted. Kneeling down for someone. The bliss of giving myself up into someone's control. To have pain inflicted on me with perfect concentration and love has the capacity to make me unbelievably wet, amazingly open.

15. Men are supposed to be hairy; I think women who want shiny chested men are insane! I don't like them entirely carpeted, it's not a fetish and I do prefer a short back and sides on a cock. I do not think it's appealing to have to search through a jungle to find him or choke on random straggly bits. But in general? Body fur makes me purr with happiness.

16. Recently I've learned to enjoy someone handling me gently. A new kind of love. It sometimes reduces me to tears mid screw. My therapist thinks I cry because I don't know how to accept good things in my life.

17. Aged 28 I discovered one day that I was able to squirt. I soaked the towel I was sitting on and the carpet in front of me. It was a self powered orgasm, OK, I had a small vibe inside me and my electric toothbrush on my clit, but no helpers. At the time I was having web-cam sex with a guy I have never met. I was so shocked I nearly fell off the chair. I cannot 'do it' on command, I have yet to work out the controls, as much as any guy might want me to (and they do).

18. I'm loud. Really Quite Loud. I find it hard to let go because I know I'll make vocal my enjoyment. Usually at quite a high volume. If you're not sure if I'm close you can listen out for the cry of "covermymouthcovermymouthcovermymouth....!"

19. I'm sticky. I mean down-my-legs-wet with trails of juice joining my kitty to my thighs sticky. Anyone who's ever really turned me on has commented on it. Actually the first time I got naked with a boy he said “urrr it’s all slimy”, I was mortified, it took me years to become comfortable with my own kitty. I love her now.

20. I adore having sex in the shower. It's like having permission to do everything with impunity. All my hang ups about cleanliness can fuck off and I can concentrate on enjoying myself. And I do. Vocally and at length, with or without a partner. My flatmate hates it.

21. I swallow, unless I don't like you. On rare occasions when I have a very empty stomach I will abstain, cause that just gives me indigestion. On the whole I tend to think it's strange to spit something out that you worked so hard to get.

22. I prefer the willy as god created it. Circumcision is for people who can't wash surely? If it ain't broke, don't try to fix it. I would certainly never consider surgically remodeling my genitalia and don't know why anyone ever would. I want to slap girls who keep on about how ugly willies are. How can you be kind to something you hate? It's ludicrous! They should leave them alone.

23. My ex boyfriend is the best lay I've ever had. I felt like he saw me completely, saw through me. We started out at a time when I was fresh out of a two year relationship and and even longer running illicit affair. I was looking for someone to abuse me, literally, I was trawling the internet. He saved me, and taught me to accept the pain he doled out with love, to submit to only him. It was the first time I've ever really been able to let go. I would do anything he said, and even now I'm at risk of getting down for him if he says so.

24. I have a tendency to get much more hung up on girls than on guys, they have numbered fewer, but I have loved them for longer and with fierce and intense passions. It never works out, I guess that's why I concentrate on men these days.

25. I use sex to drown out the noise in my head, to blot out realities I'd rather not confront.
I do things with people who I shouldn't and it spoils things. I've slept with 99% of my male friends. Recently I cheated on my boyfriend whilst he was away though I'd decided to be really good whilst he was gone. I did it with my ex (see #23) , with a friend of mine who I've known since he was a baby and is 11 years younger than me , with my oldest friend and his fiancee . Also I was paid by an old friend for favours.

I wish I hadn't done any of it. I'd like to be good. To be beautiful. Not to need that kind of distraction or validation.

I think I do what I do because I want people to think as badly of me as I do of myself.