Tuesday, February 23, 2010

1. The only relationship I ever had lasted two months in middle school. Since then, I haven't gone on a single date.

2. I lost my virginity after a party when I was nineteen. It was painless but far from pleasurable, and he narrated everything as it happened. I didn't find out the guy's last name until several months later, when a mutual friend put two and two together and told me that he was actually in high school. He had also been a virgin. I sometimes pull this out as a funny story at parties, but I skip the part about it being my first time.

3. The second and last time I had sex was three weeks later, with a man I later discovered was ten years my senior. He gave me my most fulfilling orgasm to date. He begged for my phone number and said he couldn't wait to see me again. The next day I looked him up on facebook and discovered he had a girlfriend. He never did call.

4. Starting when I was around eight, my best girlfriend and I played sexual make-believe games. She often wanted to be a pregnant woman whose husband had left her and wanted me to be the doctor who consoled her. These always ended with us scissoring each other (because we thought that was how hetero sex worked) and kissing each other's nipples. This ended when we got to sixth grade and she found boys to kiss, and a few months later we stopped being friends. At seventeen she got pregnant and had a baby girl. Now every day I thank my lucky stars that those sixth grade boys didn't want to kiss me.

5. I discovered masturbation when I was ten or eleven. I had a urinary tract infection and thought I could soothe the pain with water, so I spread my legs under the bath faucet. I continued to do this for years before I figured out what it was.

6. A few years after that, I hid the contents of my mother's underwear drawer in my closet for April Fool's Day. When I picked up her stuff to return to her, I grabbed everything that made sense to me, like panties and stockings, but didn't figure that the personal massager might have come from her drawer so I left it behind with all of my junk. It later became my regular vibrator and I still use it to this day.

7. I am straight, but I love lesbian porn. My dad once walked in on me masturbating with that vibrator to a lesbian porno. We never spoke about it.

8. I am obese and I carry a lot of my excess weight in disproportionately enormous breasts. They are a very frequent topic of conversation among both friends and strangers. They used to be a source of sexual confidence for me, but they have now begun to sag so much that it is obvious when I bear even an inch of cleavage.

9. I occasionally shave my pubic hair because I like the way it feels to be bare. I had a full bush with both of my sexual partners, and both wanted to give me oral.

10. I spent most of high school in love with my best guy friend and frequently fantasized about giving him head, not because I found giving head sexy, but because it seemed more plausible than him actually having sex with me.

11. At a party in high school I drunkenly showed my breasts to a few classmates at their request. After I passed out, I woke up to one of them taking off my bra and playing with my breasts. I pretended I was still asleep because I didn't know what to do.

12. I have never made out with anyone long enough to know whether I really enjoy it, but so far, I don't think I do.

13. I went without masturbation my entire first semester of college. When I got home for winter break, I reveled in my newfound privacy by having an orgasm a day.

14. I have had videochat sex with several strangers. I start with just my bra, then take that off and play with my breasts as I watch the men touch themselves. I then show them my pussy as I get myself off. As soon as I finish, I sign off without warning.

15. I had a flirtatious relationship with a gorgeous guy in my high school who was largely unpopular because he danced ballet. When he told me he had never gotten a blowjob, I joked that I would give him one to "break him in." We made a half-serious plan to do it in the literary magazine office after a final exam when no one would be around. I went there after the test to get my coat and to see if he would show up. He did, but only after another friend saw me inside and came in to complain about the test. He walked a few laps around the hallway and then gave up and left.

16. I have twice joined internet dating sites and then left abruptly when I got scared of all the attention I was receiving. I'm on try 3, and hopefully this time I won't chicken out at the prospect of something good.

17. I desperately want to have sex in the projection booth of my school's cinema while I'm screening a film for an audience.

18. My first kiss was on a bus in Ireland at thirteen. I was playing truth or dare with the kids in my program, and one was dared to kiss me. He made me cover my ears, but I could hear him protest that he didn't want to kiss a fat girl. Another boy called him a pussy and kissed me himself.

19. My first make-out was with a very experienced girlfriend in front of a group of people at fifteen. It was also the first time I got drunk or heard people (the girlfriend included) having sex.

20. A bisexual girl at my camp once proposed that we have sex using a euphemism that I didn't understand. When I asked what she meant, she changed the subject. I truly regret not fooling around with her.

21. Straight girls at my high school always made out with one another at parties or when we were drunk. When I got to college, my new friends all insisted that was strange and gross. I just think they're wrong.

22. Few things have made me as happy as not being the last of my group of friends to have sex. I was second-to-last.

23. I sometimes incorporate phallic objects into my masturbation. When it's something like a hairbrush handle (mine has amazing ridges), I put a grocery bag over it so I don't need to worry about cleaning it thoroughly afterward. I don't think I will ever know or love someone enough to tell them this.

24. I am attracted to men who look like my brothers. People find it strange when I say this, but it makes perfect psychological and biological sense and is very common. Neither of the men I have slept with have been "my type."

25. I'm never surprised or disappointed when boys I hook up with don't say goodbye or try to contact me later. I expect it. I'm hoping that someday, I will become the type of person who feels terrible in those situations, because I think that would be a sign of personal growth and an improved self-image.