Monday, April 26, 2010

1. Images of gay sex, kissing and mutual masturbation (both m/m and f/f) really turn me on.

2. Droughts have become a part of my sexual routine. After losing my virginity, I didn’t have sex for three years, then have had one or two year breaks in between partners.

3. I lost my virginity at fourteen, on my bedroom floor whilst drunk, to a seventeen-year-old guy who I knew through a friend. We had sex once more, in the toilet of a friend’s place, again drunk. I barely remember either experience, except that it was painful and I felt self-conscious about being naked.

4. I didn’t enjoy sex until about the eighth time. It wasn’t so much that it was horrible or uncomfortable, just that it never met my expectations. I think my ideas of sex had come from books, where everything seemed so much more meaningful and significant. It was less about romance and more about the animalistic, orgiastic scenes. I was underwhelmed by the reality, and it took me a long time to realize that I needed to take control and ask for what I wanted.

5. I've had sex with three other people before, but found it difficult to coordinate. I'd really like to have a threesome with a guy and another girl.

6. I had a hymen which refused to break. It stretched (painfully) for the first few times, but when I tried to have sex with a guy with a larger penis, the pain was unbearable. In the end, I had to have surgery to remove the extra tissue. Afterwards, I was scared to try again for a while, but got involved with an older woman during this time, and she made the whole experience not only bearable but great.

7. I have been with both men and women, from my age to thirteen years older. I find all the preconceptions around 'bisexuality' really hard to navigate. I'm definitely not 'party-bi', but as I haven't had any long-term relationships with either gender, I don't know that I could really 'choose' either gender to focus on. I have found that men make me feel good at some times, and at other times women turn me on more. I don't want to impose definitions on myself or anyone else, but I have found it really hard to know how to identify. Straight people don't tend to understand that I can be really involved with women, while other gay women tend to assume that I'm just 'playing gay'. If anything, gay men have been the most accepting friends in my life.

8. The anti-depressants that I take made it extremely difficult to have an orgasm for a couple of years. Eventually I asked my doctor to change the medication – a total lack of orgasm made me feel more depressed. Since then, I have often reached climax much faster than my partners have.

9. I don't think I've ever really been in love. In lust, maybe, but I don't think it was ever love.

10. I saw ‘Holy Smoke’ as a twelve-year-old. I have often thought of it during sex and masturbation. Although I don’t often fantasise about rape, there is something I find enthralling about power balances within sexual relationships. The scene where Kate Winslet is standing naked in the desert and wets herself seems to be branded onto my brain. She is so gorgeous - delicate and emotionally devastated, yet with this amazing strength and glow.

11. I’ve never had a relationship longer than two months, either sexual and/or emotional. As soon as I realize that I actually like someone, my expectations of them change, and I freeze up. It’s often the same with purely sexual relationships - when I begin to really enjoy myself and feel comfortable, I tend to pull away in order to avoid becoming emotionally involved.

12. I have unsafe sex despite knowing better. I think it's some sort of personal test, like I need to prove something to myself. I get tested really regularly, to the point where my doctor asked if I was doing sex work.

13. I prefer photographic erotica and pornography, rather than video or audio porn. I feel more sensitive to auditory "faking," and I like to imagine those parts of the fantasy in my own way.

14. I recently had the morning-after pill for the first time. I had always been vigilant about taking the Pill, but stopped recently without any real reason. When he asked me where he should come, I said I wanted him to do it inside me. Late the next day, I realised that it could have been a life-changing moment and that I needed to reverse it.

15. With female partners, I have never given oral sex. I have received it but none of the other women have wanted me to do it for them. I want to try though, because I find vaginas so enticing. There's something about the fleshy softness of them, I hope that I can taste and touch one/them in the near future. I find penises quite repulsive and struggle to work out how to stimulate them properly. Giving head disgusts me and I don't have the gag reflex to do it for long. Generally I don't offer it, or I deflect requests.

16. I've only recently begun using a vibrator, but have bought several sex toys since. I'm keen to try a strap-on with a female partner, both giving and receiving. I'd love to feel like I was really 'fucking' a girl, in a different way.

17. I love having sex in the morning, but always feel self-conscious about having smelly breath.

18. I love to be fucked by men but sometimes want to be the one doing the fucking.

19. I did a nude photo shoot recently for an erotic website. I've also been in touch with another company who might sign me up to do some more detailed shoots. I really enjoyed the first shoot because I took the photos myself, but I'm nervous about doing the shoot with photographers. Although I feel quite comfortable in my own body, I'm not much of a performer and would hate to 'pose' for porn - I want to do more creative, erotic work, like in vintage modelling shoots. It's the type of erotica that I enjoy, where my imagination has to kick in to complete the fantasy, rather than having it all handed to me on a platter.

20. I really want to fuck a pre-op transgender (f-m).

21. I've discovered ben-wa balls. I love to have them in during the day while running errands such as shopping, and being quietly turned on around other people. Sitting down on the tram can make me insanely horny with the right help!

22. The guy I'm sleeping with at the moment talks dirty to me, but it's so subtle and sincere, I have never found anything like that so sexy before.

23. Close friends have always seen me as being a very sexual person, but long periods of celibacy mean that sometimes I don't think about sex for months. It seems to be a cycle which has developed, where after about 3 months of not even thinking about sex, I'll have a dream which suddenly triggers several weeks of highly sexual thoughts, behaviours and activities. Then I might drift back into a non-sexual period again.

24. Ever since I was about sixteen, I've had a strong drive to have children. I have just had intense feelings of needing to procreate, experience a child growing within me, give birth and breastfeed. At times I have been tempted to fall pregnant, to go for it, but then something happens and I find a way to switch off the impulse. I think my maternal instincts are quite closely linked with my sexuality.

25. I love pain, but bruise easily. Sometimes I can have marks from sex on my body for a couple of weeks.