Wednesday, May 26, 2010

1. I'm female, single, 18 years old and attracted to multiple sexes and genders. However, I am not textbook "pansexual." I'm picky. Some transpeople weird me out.

2. On that note, I actually tend to have issues with the people I know who identify as trans or genderqueer. I used to really not understand these things at all and would yell at potential friends for being confused, while saying that they should just deal with the body they were born with. This is ridiculously hypocritical, because in the years between 6th and 10th grade I regularly dressed as a boy. My hair was shaved, tits strapped down, all I wore were graphic tees and skater shoes with the occasional tie and button down shirt ensemble. Now I dress in androgynous tee-shirts and jeans and I very much look like a girl. I'm very fine with my female body, but my own concept of my 'gender' alludes me. Still, I have problems with other people who question their gender. I like to consider myself open-minded, so I hate this aspect of myself.

3. I lost my virginity when I was 13, to a 12-year-old boy. It was up in a tree house. It was cute and awkward and mostly due to a virginity pact we both made. He eventually pulled out and started jerking himself off because we weren't quite doing it right and he wanted to show me that he could make himself come. He did. I was amazed.

4. This same boy later liked to show me his penis when we hung out, like he'd just take it out and we'd sit around and chat. Sometimes I would touch it, and I liked the way it felt. We were usually outside in the woods and sometimes he'd take it out to pee on a tree and he'd let me watch. I wasn't really ashamed about watching. He would never let me touch it while he was peeing, though.

5. Before that, I'd sort of experimented with 2 of my female cousins when I was maybe 8 years old. We played this game where we would hand touch, then butt touch, then tongue touch, then vagina touch. It was basically a lot of touching. I remember being excited and a little ashamed and really unsure of what we were doing, but I liked it. I wasn't the one who started these games, but I'm the only one of us three that didn't turn out straight.

6. Technically, I've been molested, by the brother of these same two cousins. All three of them lived in a section of the house on weekends with my uncle. One day the boy called me into one of the bedrooms and closed the door, locked it, then pushed me up against a mattress that was up against a wall. He kept rubbing his hips against mine and kept trying to give me wet raspberries (presumably what he thought was French kissing--he was twelve), and every once in a while he would pull his pants an inch down and my underwear an inch down. I squirmed, managed to not get 'kissed' on the lips, and finally got away. It hasn't really traumatized me, I just find it funny. I wonder what would happen if I ever mentioned it to that cousin now.

7. My first experience with video porn was with one of the female cousins mentioned in #5, a few years later after the experimentation. We were going to watch a movie, so we switched the television to video and turned on the VCR. All I remember was seeing a mass of human bodies moving together before we rushed to turn it back off. Ejecting the tape, the title on the label was 'Bury Your Bone In My Butt'. We both giggled. We put it back in the player and decided we weren't going to watch a movie that day.

8. My first REAL experience with porn, however, was found under the sink in a stack of magazines in the bathroom in that sectioned-off part of the house for my cousins. I used to make excuses to go to that bathroom when they weren't home, just so I could look at them. I was amazed and ashamed, and really wasn't clear about what sexuality was about for a while. I had this sort of ritual for years until that bathroom was cleaned out.

9. I haven't had sex in 4 years. Worse than that, I've never been in a real 'relationship' at all. I've never 'been kissed', I was always the kisser. I've had more sex than I can remember, compressed into two years, with both girls and guys. I don't care about any of them, I don't think I ever did. I eventually stopped these stupid sort of hookups because I didn't want my life to be like that. I've performed oral on both girls and guys. I forget what semen tastes like. I've never been eaten out. I was a huge giver in all of these transactions.

10. I really, really want to be eaten out.

11. My first orgasm was entirely accidental. I was young, maybe 11. I passed a pool jet while swimming in my grandparents pool, was shocked at how good it felt, then pressed up against it. It was intense. I'm rather fond of pools.

12. Since then I've orgasmed in my friend's pool, in a community pool at Disney in Orlando Florida, in a public jacuzzi, in a closed community jacuzzi, among others. I'm absolutely not ashamed.

13. I can't get off to just my fingers. I've tried, gotten close, but I get tired before I can really reach orgasm. My first and only 'sex toy' was a broken off Venus razor with a vibrating option to exfoliate skin. Hah, yeah, right. I also use my shower head.

14. I watch porn and masturbate often. It's hard for me to orgasm without watching porn. I mostly watch gay porn, some lesbian porn, and absolutely no straight porn. I don't know why, but it just doesn't cut it for me at all.

15. When I watch porn, I rarely can get off just watching two (or more) people fucking. They need to be doing something else. Specifically, I really get off to rimming and watersports (but not with girls, I don't like watching girls peeing). I've realized this after a long time of denial and trying to avert my interests to other things. I don't know if I'd participate in such things in real life, but I'm not averse to it. I think the watersports thing came from what was mentioned in #4. The rimming, I don't have a clue.

16. Recently I've ordered an actual vibrator off of the internet. I should be getting it in the mail tomorrow. I'm excited beyond reason.

17. I'm really self conscious. I'm a little overweight, I don't like the way my vagina looks, my wardrobe sucks, and I never see anyone hit on me. Ever. That or I'm oblivious. I think I must portray myself as some sort of cool cat who doesn't need sex or something, I have no idea. On the other hand, when I look at myself in my own mirror I think I'm the sexiest thing alive. I've got large, shapely breasts, small pink nipples, an hourglass frame, a good complexion, a pretty face, sexy lips, straight white teeth, and gorgeous dark blue eyes. Maybe I'm the only one who thinks this way. Does this make me a narcissist?

18. I've participated in group phone sex with up to four other people. Many times. It's pretty awesome, but I still need to watch porn on mute to actually get off.

19. I feel myself capable of a threesome, but I don't think I'd be able to share in an actual relationship.

20. Relating to #15, I really really crave dick. I want to perform oral on a man like nobody's business. I really want to rim somebody (guy or girl). I really want to be pissed on. I really want to suck a dick while the guy is peeing. I really want to rim a guy while he is peeing. I really want to piss my pants while sitting in someone's lap. It would take a lot for me to admit these things to any living person, and when I'm watching porn with these things in them, the moment I orgasm, I lose all interest. Sometimes I feel disgusted.

21. A common fetish among people I know is pain, BDSM and sadomasochism. I'm not sure if I'm into any of these things, so it's awkward for me when my friends gush about it. Maybe I'll find out in my later sex life if I like these things.

22. Most of my really close friends are virgins. Most of them don't masturbate (or don't admit to it). Every one of them is straight. This makes things slightly awkward for me sometimes.

23. I wish I had the confidence to be a truly sexual creature.

24. I'm skeptical about love, and very adamant about my perceptions of it. I believe it exists, but I believe you only fall in true romantic, relationship type love once. Twice if you're lucky. I've never fallen in love. I feel it would be very hard for me to fall into true, real, super-intense love. I don't give myself to people freely at all.

25. I've written all of this as part confession, part method to get a grip and organize what I know about my sexuality. Maybe I'll tell all of this to somebody non-anonymously some day.