Wednesday, June 9, 2010

1. I identify as pansexual. Though most of my sexual experiences have been with cismen, the best and most fulfilling have been with female-bodied people. People I’m generally attracted to, in order by gender: genderfuckers/androgynes, FTMs, MTFs, ciswomen, cismen.

2. I feel like I am of a polyamorous mindset, but I've never really been in a poly relationship. I'd love to try it, and luckily my current partner is poly too. However, I'm afraid of what could happen if it goes wrong, particularly with the knowledge that my partner's last relationship (of three years) ended due to complications with polyamory.

3. I'm far more comfortable having sex with female-bodied people, and I generally orgasm much sooner. Dicks just make me kind of uncomfortable, and I never feel like I'm "doing it right" when I'm with a male-bodied person.

4. Depending on the person I'm with, my preferences and comfort level can range from uber vanilla to fairly kinky. There are lots of aspects of kink and BDSM that I'm NOT AT ALL into or okay with though. I like to think that I know my limits, I know what lies within my interest range, and I trust myself enough to explore within my comfort level.

5. I really want to try having a threesome. A fantasy of mine is to be an experimental "third" for a hetero couple.

6. As a kid, I matured more quickly than pretty much all my classmates, and I subconsciously tried to compensate for it by being hella awkward, wearing baggy clothes that hid my body, denying my sexuality, and denying the chance that I might not be straight. However, I still think it's ridiculous for anyone younger than high school to date each other.

7. I went from being convinced I was super het (middle school) to being convinced I was only a dyke (high school). Then (since high school) I've thought a lot about gender and sexuality, written a lot of introspective diary entries, fallen in love with a man (and then another one), and decided that I'm genderqueer/agender and queer/pansexual.

8. I’m shy and awkward and have a hard time reaching out to people I’m interested in. That’s not a problem with men, since they expect to make the first moves, but I find that I have to grow a pair (of ovaries) when I'm interested in a woman. Since I'm not very good at that, this means I mostly date guys even though I'm only marginally attracted to them.

9. PIV is extremely painful for me and I've grown to despise it. I also hate giving BJs because it hurts my jaw and my piercings (but when I'm drunk, all I want to do is suck dick). However, I still find myself doing these things because I want to please my partner--does that make me bad at self-respect, standing up for myself, and self-consent? I love giving oral to owners of vulvas, though.

10. I obsessively chart my fertility. I love knowing when I'm fertile and when I'm not; it makes me feel powerful and in control. It's also brought me so much more in tune with my body: e.g., I notice now that I have sexy dreams when I'm fertile, and I never feel like masturbating when I'm not. It also works! It's pretty much the only birth control I use right now (only occasionally we'll use a condom) (I'm allergic to latex and the other kind is expensive and too small for him), and thankfully it works. I want to get sterilized someday when I can afford it.

11. I love my partner, and he loves me. We've been together for six months, but we're still just exploring each other and figuring out what we want from each other. I love the fact that he gets hard with just a quick hello kiss, and that he orgasms at the very least twice every time we fuck. I'm not a huge fan of cock, but there's something very sexy about such an obvious physical display of arousal and knowing that I caused it.

12. I love using a strap-on. I've never used one with a male partner before, but I'd like to. I think my partner would be into it but neither of us have one so I haven't brought it up. I HATE being penetrated with a strap-on.

13. My first kiss was at age 16, with the first boy I'd ever had a legit crush on, which in itself was rather shocking because until that point I thought I was a lesbian. It was also my first time meeting a penis, and I didn't know what to do with it. He was way more sexually experienced than I was, and loved me as a friend but only wanted to fuck so we both agreed that we weren't a great match at the time. Now he's in a repressive, caustic relationship with a jealous, controlling woman; they've been together for over four years.

14. I've had sexual experiences with some number of people, but I don't really define them all as sex—I have kind of strict definitions, I guess. Other than one one-night-stand, I still dearly love (not necessarily romantically) all four people I would say I've had sex with.

15. My bad habits in relationships are a) being lazy and shy and reverting to a stereotypical "feminine" way of acting, especially if I really like the person; and b) treating people who don't like me as a challenge, feeling drawn to them and trying to make them love me. My good habits are a) being very emotionally honest; and b) often reassessing the status of my feelings and the other person's feelings.

16. Even when I'm having sex with someone, I usually end up imagining other sexual scenarios in order to get off.

17. I think pretty much all non-shaved vulvas are exceptionally sexy. With cocks, I'm a bit more picky... if I’m even into penis at the moment, I definitely prefer little ones. I think circumcised penises are really fucking weird-looking (not to mention hard to use), but they have the advantage of being thinner, and therefore less painful. My current partner has a big uncut penis, which is nice to look at if you're into that sort of thing, but really hella painful. My last partner has a small circumcised penis, which I definitely preferred.

18. I think most porn is cheesy, forced, and misogynist. I don't like seeing perfectly smooth, hairless pink genitals rubbing each other and monster cocks squirting a half cup onto a generically attractive hetero woman's face. I want to see normal, happy people fucking in varied ways and having fun—that’s sexy. Due to the huge amount of shitty porn, I don’t look at it or for it, but when I do come across porn that looks natural, happy, and respectful, it makes me pretty happy.

19. I've been sexually active since age 17 (with mostly female-bodied people), but I've been having sex with guys for only the past year. I haven't had sex with any FAAB people since the first time I had PIV—not because I've become hetero (far from it), just because I've only dated two people since then and they're both male.

20. There are dozens of people I would have sex with if they asked me to. I often fantasize about my friends, even if I don't feel attracted to them.

21. I've always been super uncomfortable with the idea of anything anal-related, and have thus avoided it. However, my partner loves everything anal-related, and I recently let him rim me... I kept thinking "oh my god I can't believe I'm letting you do this but FUCK it feels amazing." Soooo maybe there's an anal future in store for me...? The idea gives me the heebie jeebies though.

22. I love consent, even though it can be super duper awkward. I like asking people if I can do things, and I like being asked. I like saying yes and I like saying no. I like knowing what I want and I like knowing what someone else wants. I'm still working on figuring out how to know what I'm comfortable with.

23. The first person I had PIV with was a rather selfish lover, which I didn't notice at the time because he was my first full-on hetero experience and because I was so into him and afraid of doing anything wrong lest I risk losing him. (Of course, he ditched me after a couple months for someone far more outgoing, and punk than I am.) My current partner is just the opposite, which I LOVE (especially due to my aversion to cocks) but sometimes I fear that he feels that I'm selfish...

24. I miss women; I miss feeling like a dyke. I feel very queer, even though I’m overwhelmingly read as straight (especially since I've been dating dudes), and it makes me sad to be such an invisible member of the queer community.

25. I like talking about sex with people who don't like talking about sex. I love talking about the details of being queer, kinky, and non-committal with people who are in long-term, vanilla, monogamous, hetero relationships. I like talking about masturbating, sex toys, and one-night stands with people who are appalled at any mention of those topics. I get off on the concept of fucking with a vanilla friend and shocking them… though now that I think of it, I’ve never had sex with someone less experienced than I was. Oh except this one time.