Monday, July 5, 2010

1. I have never been monogamous in any of my relationships. I have always cheated. I’ve tried to figure it out and I think it’s because I’m too afraid of what would happen if I actually needed someone. And then, worse, what would happen after she left me.

2. Before I was ten, I was sexually abused by three different family members.

3. When I was thirteen, I gave my boyfriend’s best friend a hand job under the table in class. It was right after my boyfriend told me he loved me.

4. The summer before high school I kissed a girl for the first time. We only did it because two boys we didn’t know told us to. Later she told me she actually liked it. I called her a “dyke” and didn’t talk to her for a year even though I liked it too.

5. The first and only time I had sex with a guy was in an alley. It was not consensual. I was fifteen.

6. I had to move to Virginia for six months because my swim coach got a little too friendly during practices. Because of him, I wasn’t able to swim in a pool without breaking down for seven years.

7. I used to love giving head to guys because I was completely in control. Which is probably why I did it all the time.

8. The first time I went down on a girl I threw up. In her.

9. For a really long time, I thought I was attracted to extremely feminine girls but it turns out I like genderqueers. With feminine girls, I get way too jealous, constantly wondering if she’s prettier than me, if she’s skinnier than me, if people look at her first…It’s a disaster.

10. I used to make out with this guy in a gang outside my apartment complex. I used to love how fast my heart would race every time a car would pass by and stare at us, wondering what we were doing.

11. I love being a tease. I think it goes back to the control thing.

12. The first girl I officially dated went to the same high school as I did. We had sex everyday. Sometimes even in class.

13. I think it’s sexy when girls squirt.

14. While I love getting my partner off, it’s really hard for me to let anyone in. Most of the time, I get her off and then I go to sleep.

15. Because of the kind of girls I like to date, this frustrates them to no end and makes me feel awful. (Which is weird because if it was a guy I’m sure I’d feel accomplished because of the whole tease thing.)

16. I love one-night stands but can’t do them sober.

17. I have dated someone I hated because the sex was amazing.

18. After my ex from high school (who was a girl), I was determined to make myself like guys freshman year of college. 25 make out sessions and 13 blowjobs later and I was still a lesbian.

19. I sometimes still think I should be with a guy because I know it would make my mom happy. And while I’ve rebelled against everything my mom has taught me, I still want to make her proud.

20. I don’t trust older men. I will go out of my way to make sure I am never alone with one.

21. Although I love vaginas (I really do), I have never seen mine. Still not sure I want to.

22. The first time I had sex with a girl I was so afraid that everyone would know. I washed my hands about twenty times and used all the soap I could find. I only stopped washing my hands because I ran out of soap.

23. Girls never hit on me but guys hit on me all the time. Because of this, I’m still afraid that I am unattractive to other girls, meaning I’ll be alone because I can’t be happy with a guy.

24. Although my first girlfriend pretty much showed me I wasn’t straight, it wasn’t until another girl came along about three years later that I realized I was gay.

25. When I was sixteen, the doctor thought I had cervical cancer. So I was in and out of the hospital a lot. In the end we learned that I have a hormonal imbalance but instead of loss of sex drive I have a heightened sex drive.