Wednesday, July 7, 2010

1. I'm 24, cisfemale, perpetually kind of confused by my sexuality. Just when I think I have it pinned down into something understandable, my tastes change, and I'm stuck trying to figure it out all over again.

2. What I'm NOT confused about is that just because I'm queer and attracted to men, women, and probably other points on the gender spectrum, does not mean I'm sexually confused. When I'm attracted to somebody, I sure know it. And just because sexuality changes does not mean it's suddenly not real.

3. The confusing parts are the more interesting parts: less who I want to be having sex with than what kind of sex I want to be having.

4. It took me a lot of outside validation to realize that my body was sexually desirable. I know that's unfashionable and it all has to come from within &c., but there's nothing like being voted "Best Ass" at teenage summer camp to make you feel great about yourself.

5. I watch a lot of porn. More than most other women I know, as far as I know. It's not even just the queer-made, really quality stuff: I'll get off on free, un-PC clips from most any internet site there is. I used to feel guilty about that, but now I don't as much. Yet I will probably never admit this to anybody.

6. The first time I was sexually active with someone else, I did it because I felt like I should, not because I really wanted to. I think it's horrifying how normal this is. I was sixteen. The boy in question put me under a lot of pressure, and the experience ended up being traumatizing for me until I confronted him about it, four years later, after we'd lost touch. I do not recommend this method to everyone. I do still have a few mental scars.

7. The first time someone else made me come, I cried and cried. It was a very intense and bittersweet feeling. The only other times I've cried during sex have been with my first, and current, girlfriend. I think it's because of the depth of the emotional connections involved. Sometimes it's a glorious feeling of release. Sometimes I just wish it would not happen. It's far from always.

8. I fantasize about cheating, a lot. I've never cheated on a partner. I think it's the transgression that gets me hot. But in reality, I would never want to wound someone I loved like that.

9. Although I consider myself to be a very sexual person, I don't have as high a sex drive right now as I would like. I also have a lot of sexual shame that gets in my way. I'm trying hard to make it go away, but it's not easy.

10. I love my girlfriend and think she's incredibly sexy, but I wish I weren't her first sexual partner, because I think the aforementioned sexual shame is making it extremely difficult for me to illustrate to her the kind of sex I wish we were having more of right now: that is, no-holds-barred, down and dirty, fuck me like you don't give a shit about me sex. It's easier for me to get to that place with someone who's been there before.

11. Making this list is partially an exercise in expressing my own sexual needs, and I'm hoping it will help with the problems of #9 and #10.

12. I love eating pussy. Love. It. I will do it for days. Sucking cock, not my favorite. It's tough on my jaw and I don't like the taste. Although I enjoy the power dynamic involved (usually, me feeling subservient, but not necessarily).

13. I despair of finding one person who will fulfill all, or even most of, my sexual needs, at any point in time. I hope I find someone who's okay with that, or that I change.

14. I lost my penis-in-vagina virginity at age 20. I'm thrilled that I waited until I was absolutely and totally without a doubt ready. After the experience of #6, it felt like an incredible way of claiming my own sexual agency. I have yet to have that kind of sex with another man. (Women, on the other hand...)

15. When I was younger - between ages 15 and 21 - the thought of a serious, long-term, sexual relationship WITHOUT BDSM involved (d&s, bondage, pain play) was basically unthinkable to me. I had very strong desires to be sexually submissive. After having a relationship where that aspect of our sex life was foregrounded - and it was wonderful - I don't feel those same urges. At least, not for now. I'm afraid I'm suppressing it.

16. I'm scared of a monotonous sex life. I'm scared that I won't be able to have a long-term relationship where the sex remains hot. I'm in the longest relationship I've ever been in right now, and the sex isn't bad by any means, but it definitely needs work, and I hope I have the balls (as it were) to put in all the work I can.

17. I've personified the shamelessly sexual part of myself, and given her a name. We talk sometimes.

18. I just bought a fabulous vibrator. Writing this is making me want to use it.

19. I masturbate all the freaking time. Once a day minimum. It's not always dramatic, but I love it. I lie on my stomach, the same way I did when I first began (I was about 10 years old). I think I wouldn't have discovered masturbation, though, if we hadn't read about it in 4th grade puberty-ed class. I wondered what all the fuss was about.

20. If prostitution were legal and socially acceptable, I'd do it. If sleeping around were more socially acceptable, I'd do it more. I wish I had the balls (again... ovaries??) to just do it anyway, but quite frankly I think it's prudent for me not to. Then again, I shy away from anonymous sex (at least so far). I'm more about fucking my platonic friends, or at least people I feel comfortable with. And they're more interested in fucking me back.

21. I usually fantasize about past sexual experiences I've had. My current favorites: getting fucked by a woman with a strap-on for the first time. Giving my then-boyfriend head on the kitchen floor while being force-fed alcohol. Being fingered by a male friend from high school while two of my female friends petted my shoulders and bit my neck. Making out with one of my female college friends while one of our male friends was fingering at least me.

22. I think anal play feels amazing, but I have major hangups about asking for it. FML.

23. There's some kind of sex, something about sex, that I'm not getting right now. I really miss it, but I am just not sure what it is. This is driving me insane.

24. Most of my best-loved sexual experiences, including everything in #21, happened when I was tipsy or drunk. I'm not sure how to feel about this.

25. I'm kind of afraid that I'm going to end up life-partnered with a man and being viewed as straight, a traitor to the queer movement, with my girlfriends viewed as "a phase." Mostly I'm afraid other people will think this. I used to be more afraid that I'd think it, too, but the longer I live, the more I realize I'll always be fuckin' queer. Thank god. And I used the word "afraid" in this list way more than is necessary. What a waste of time!!