Friday, September 10, 2010

1. When I was young (think 10, 11) I read an article about why women “don’t respond” to pornography. I spent a good four years thinking that there was something REALLY wrong with me, because even then, I knew that I couldn’t look away from people kissing—or more.

2. Luckily, a friend in high school kind of set me straight on that one. And before her, a friend in eighth grade introduced me to the idea of word porn. To this day, I like to say that I’m famous online—if you read fanfiction, you’ve probably read some of my porn.

3. Fanfiction and the like were my introduction to all the vagaries of human sexuality. I sometimes wonder how I would have turned out without certain influences, but I’m pretty sure that most of the things I’m drawn to, I would have been drawn to, with or without the internet. The internet and fandom just let me know that I’m not alone in my interests.

4. I’m a prolific fantasizer, with an incredibly healthy imagination. Put a hottie on screen, and I’m off to the races. Despite this, I’m the first to admit that my sexuality rests on theory and fantasy. I have little to no interest in people I actually know/have a snowball’s chance in hell at seeing in a sexual situation. It’s almost as if a man has to be completely out of my realm of existence to become a sexual figure for me.

5. I identify mentally and physically as female, but sexually as male. Confusing, right? What it basically boils down to is that I am a straight girl (okay, a Kinsey 1.5) with a gay man’s sexuality. I am attracted to men in such a way that I identify on a similar sexual field, I fantasize about being the penetrating partner, and I sometimes think that sex would make so much more sense if I had a penis.

6. As there is no way I am getting a penis, most of my fantasies (and there are a lot of them) involve strap-ons and gay men. I’m kind of getting resigned to the fact that my favorite/best fantasies all involve threesomes, and slowly learning to enjoy the fact that, yeah, alright, there’s a fair bit of poly in me.

7. I have it on really good authority that I write great porn. I write women’s AND men’s erotica, and am kinda sorta planning on paying for college that way. Writing porn lets me put my fantasies onto paper, and there’s something wonderful about putting the images and sensations in my mind into words.

8. Despite my wonderful mental life, I have never had romantic contact with ANYONE. I have never held hands, kissed, or been touched by someone who desires me, or whom I desire. As I am nearing twenty, I get more and more afraid that my romantic/sexual life will be forever constrained to my fantasies.

9. I have pretty much zero confidence in my body, most of the time. I am 5’5” and weigh 200 pounds, and have been gaining weight steadily since I was 11. I wore a AA bra until the last semester of eighth grade, when I shot to a DD. Baby got back, but even though my friends in my predominantly African-American neighborhood assure me that this is attractive to the right men, I have to confront the fact that a) the right men don’t seem to exist and b) they may think that, but the wider world would much rather I wore a size 0.

10. The only times I’m really confident in my skin—the only times I actively feel sexy, hot, or desirable—are the times I’m in costume. I make costumes and cosplay for various anime/fantasy/sci-fi cons, and I make a point of choosing characters that are believably larger. But even though I’m your stereotypical “fat cosplay girl”, something about the act of putting on another face makes me feel like I’m someone else, and that I have all the attractiveness of that person. Quite possibly, this is all tied up in that thing where I only have the hots for men who might as well live in another universe.

11. Every once in a while, I go into fits of “girliness.” I go shopping, buy make-up, and put some serious effort into my appearance. Standing in front of the mirror, sponge applicator in hand, I feel beautiful. I like to do big, dramatic things when I’m going out, so I have a lot of bright and dark colors with lots of glitter. When I’m just going to work or class, though, I go for what my BFF refers to as "maneater lawyer": subtle and dangerous. It makes me feel more like a woman, more like an adult, someone who people look at and consider a sexual being.

12. When I want to be seen, I like to play up the drama. Leather maneater skirt, sequined tank top, and heels that put me a good four inches taller. Top with sparkly eyeliner and glittery, smoky eyeshadow, and you’ve got a recipe for my kind of night out. I’m hard to miss, and I know it. So I’m determined to make sure you remember something besides my chub-arms. I gotta say, some days, I’m pretty sure I succeed. (And hell, even if I don’t? I make myself forget. To me, that’s all that really matters.)

13. I masturbate. A lot. There are no two ways about this. I started to masturbate when I was in the third grade, not that I knew what it was, but when I was thirteen? Yeaaaaah. Now, six years later, I can safely say that the longest I have gone without masturbating is two months. Normally, I’ll masturbate twice a day. When I’m premenstrual, though, that number increases. Like you would not believe.

14. When I say twice, I mean two completely separate occasions. Because not only am I orgasmic, but I am multi-orgasmic. Consecutively. My record is eight orgasms in five minutes, not counting the ten minute build-up to the first one.

15. But I can’t handle penetration, at all. The single worst experience of my life was not being sexually assaulted on the bus, it was my first pelvic exam. I’m kind of certain that there’s something wrong with me, because even using tampons hurts, but I’m not sure how to bring it up with the doctor without being brushed off; she didn’t seem that concerned about how much pain I was in from the pelvic.

16. I get off embarrassingly quickly while fellating some phallic object. Don’t ask; I have no effing clue.

17. The idea of shaving my pubic hair freaks me out. A light trim, sure. But going nude? Or even mostly bare? HELL TO THE NO. Maybe it’s the idea of a sharp object that close to my clit and labia. Maybe it’s the fact that hey, men aren’t expected to have cute designs shaved into their rug. Maybe it’s just the fact that I am so, so lazy when it comes to shaving ANYTHING. Whatever it is, though, if it’s not a factor of getting into a swimsuit without humiliating myself, you can forget about it.

18. Even without sexual experience, I am a kinky bitch and I know it. I am into BDSM, and am a regular contributor (paid, and paid well, thankyouverymuch) to a BDSM erotica site. I’ll admit that the sense of power I get (this overweight, fish-belly-white 19-year-old girl is getting you off, what) from knowing that people pay premium prices to see my work is quite heady. But that’s really the least of it. If you name a kink, I’ve probably considered it for a few seconds, quite possibly more. At this point in my life, however, I feel safe in saying that I am into dominating multiple men who would still be comfortable enough to be confident in their own sexuality and pleasure, who would also allow me to nurture/coddle them on occasion.

19. I cannot find the guts to buy a vibrator. Part of it is that whole penetration issue, even though half the reason I want to get a vibrator is because I think experiencing it in a more pleasurable context might help. Another part of it is—and this is stupid—I’m worried what people would think if they found out.

20. I don’t think that sex and love are necessarily related, and, quite frankly, the idea of pinning all of my sexuality on waiting for “true love” seems like a load of bull to me. Besides, I’d much rather get through that awkward “the only thing I know about your genitalia I either learnt from porn or bio class” thing with someone else, maybe even a couple of someone elses. I know that there are definitely things I would enjoy that I can’t even think of at this moment, and the idea of missing out on that because I allowed society to artificially control my sex drive? Yeah, no.

21. I’m a very sexual person, and any men I might someday have a relationship with need to know that I will come into said relationship with a very solid knowledge of my own pleasure. I am determined that I will not be afraid to ask for what I want or need. At the same time, however, I want my men to be on an even playing field. Tell me what you want, and I’ll let you know.

22. I want to date older men. Boys my age just don’t do it for me. But I like them young looking. Like Matthew Gray-Gubler? I’d be all over that. In a heartbeat. But even in my mind I need someone a little more sexually secure, so I’d have to say either Mark Salling (as Puck) or Christopher Gorham are pretty much the epitome of who I’d like to be tying to my bed... actually, preferably both. Mrow.

23. Paradoxically, I am both ashamed of and proud of my sexuality. It all depends on the context and the situation. For instance, if my mother ever read this? I would die of embarrassment. Same for at least two of my college friends. But if my BFF from high school saw this, I’m pretty damn sure she’d just shake her head and laugh. After all, she was the first person I told about the fact that I sometimes feel like a gay man in a woman’s body.

24. I want to have sex. Like, stupidly badly. I just get so insecure when I see all these people saying “I didn’t lose my virginity until I was (insert age that is younger than I am)” and acting like OMG THEY ARE SUCH OLD MAIDS. Maybe because I’m terrified that I’ll become an old maid. And maybe just because I’m a horny college girl.

25. I am a horny college girl. There’s no getting around that fact. And I’m not sure that I should have to.