Wednesday, August 25, 2010

1. I seem to have a nerve bundle along the left side of my outer labia that feels as good or better when touched as clitoral stimulation. I didn’t figure out how to touch myself with my hands until about three years ago. I’m 38. My husband refers to it as my true North having been dragged about a half inch to the left. I love that description and how funny and caring it is. Now when I want him to touch or lick me there, I call it true North.

2. I first masturbated at seven by rocking back and forth on the bench of my family piano when I should have been practicing. The bench had a poorly attached leg and would move when I played. That’s the first hint I had that something felt good between my legs, when it moved beneath me. This piano is now in my house.

3. I had a couple of really positive sexual experiences when I was fourteen, one after the other. One with a guy who I had a deep mutual affection for and we had a lot of fun in bed together. The other was someone I would hook up with sometimes and didn’t have feelings for, but the sex was hot. While I didn’t have intercourse with either of them, we did everything else. I remember enjoying touching and being touched, experimenting, having orgasms, giving pleasure, the whole nine yards. I got very freaked out that I wasn’t in love with either of them and that neither of them was really what I thought I wanted or needed in a boyfriend. I guess I wasn’t emotionally mature enough for the situation. I didn’t really date again until I was nearly seventeen. I still have really mixed feelings about this. I think I didn’t do things that made me uncomfortable, which is great; on the other hand, it would have been great if I could have had those relationships without feeling uncomfortable or like I was doing something wrong.

4. The bulk of my sexual experiences after that were not so good. I felt like the other person should love me; when they did like me or have feelings for me, I normally freaked and ran. I sucked at relationships and hookups in high school, and pretty much into my twenties, really. It was all tied up with rejection.

5. I asked my mother how babies were made when I was 5 or 6. She gave me a really thorough, honest explanation, including how birth control worked. By the end of it I was so bored I actually asked if we could just not talk about it anymore.

6. My mom had a copy of Delta of Venus on her bookshelf. I read the lesbian threesome story so many times that the book eventually disintegrated at that point in the spine. Erotica, both writing it and reading it, and reading about sex and sexuality in general has figured heavily in my life ever since.

7. I had a really phenomenal summer romance at seventeen. I had intercourse for the first time with him, and I would say that’s when I lost my virginity, too. I think the two can be mutually exclusive. He was sixteen, a sweetheart, funny, lovely and a really good lover. I know how lucky I am

8. I also have him (and those two guys when I was fourteen) to thank for my sanity, because I was sexually assaulted by a friend when I was nineteen. Sex was somewhat screwed up for me for a couple of years after that and I think I’m so lucky I had formative experiences that showed me it could be good. When things were at their worst, I knew I’d had positive sexual experiences before and that I could have them again. If there was a way for me to find these three people and thank them without it being tremendously weird, I would.

9. I’ve been on anti-depressants twice. The first time I had a harder time climaxing. The second time (the past year), I remained just as orgasmic but my body map changed a lot. I feel things in different places on my body, come differently, masturbate less and want partner contact more. I actually feel sensations of arousal across my collarbone now, which is totally new for me. It’s been really interesting.

10. I identify as bi. I’ve been in one relationship with a woman and have hooked up with one other. I still have attractions to women. It seems to happen once every two or three years and it’s usually totally overwhelming, like, God, if weren’t in a monogamous relationship I’d have my face between your legs right now. I am attracted to men more frequently, but it’s not usually that devastating.

11. I had both asthma and a near-drowning experience as a kid. These are the two reasons I normally tell people I can’t read about, write about or have sex involving breathplay or choking in any way. The third reason is that in the year or so after I was assaulted, the only way I could orgasm during sex is if I was being choked out. I had a partner I trusted who did this for me and it was actually very enjoyable. But now I associate it with that time of recovery and I never want to do it again. I think I’d hyperventilate if I tried it. I don’t tell anyone about this.

12. While I certainly switch up and have lots of non-role oriented sex, at the end of the day I identify as a pushy bottom. It makes me happy.

13. I love giving head. Love it. I actually go into a near-meditative state doing it sometimes; sometimes it turns me on so much I have to stop and have intercourse immediately because I get so close to coming.

14. I love receiving head. Nothing else feels like that to me. It’s the best. My husband is amazing at it and I make sure to tell him that. A lot.

15. I had anal sex routinely with one long-term partner (and a couple of others) and really liked it. It didn’t interest me again until the last year or so. I’d really like to do it with my husband, both giving and receiving, rimming, fingering, etc. Whatever variation of it would turn him on. I’m really afraid to bring this up though since he has no interest in it to my knowledge and I don’t want him to feel pressured about it.

16. My husband and I are working up to doing vaginal fisting and I’m really looking forward to it. I think we’ll both like it. Everything we’ve done building toward it so far has been intimate and awesome and hot.

17. I regret not having ever had group sex. It’s something I fantasize about. I have been in a threesome, and a couple of kissing parties with friends, and it was fun.

18. I don’t regret my decision not to enter into a relationship with someone who was only interested in my feet (and basically proposed a sexual relationship with my feet). The guy in question was really hot and some of my friends thought I was nuts not to do it, but I have no foot fetish or interest in having my feet worshipped, so it wasn’t right for me.

19. Monogamy is part of my sexuality these days. It’s part of what makes me feel safe enough to be completely free in my sexuality and with my husband. I’ve wished in the past sometimes that I was more evolved and more open to other experiences. But I’ve come to feel this works for me so I’m good with it. It’s possible this will change in the future, but so far this is what works.

20. That said, I’ve been in a few situations since getting together with my husband where we were in front of other people while touching sexually – once at a party, once at a massage workshop. We were both totally into it and never had any weird feelings or jealousy or shame about it. It occurs to me now this is something we might want to explore further.

21. I have been writing and reading slash fiction for the last year. It’s become my main hobby. It has had a really positive effect on my sex life. I feel more in touch with my desires and more open to trying new things.

22. It’s also great to be in constant dialogue about sex and sexuality with my online communities. I have trouble talking about sex with most of my friends now that I’m married. It feels like I’m betraying my husband somehow.

23. I definitely have masculine characteristics. Sometimes I feel like I’m closer to being a gay man than anything else. And two guys together, the idea of it, turns me on no end.

24. Three years ago I was fairly certain my husband and I were headed for divorce and our sex life was practically non-existent. A lot of hard work later, we’re not only stronger than ever but I’m having the best sex of my life. I’m very proud of both of us for this. Clear air is the best aphrodisiac.

25. Sex can be so many things. An expression of love, comforting, a distraction, a high, a thrill, silly, exciting. It can be awesome on your own or with someone you care about or with someone you don’t. I think all that matters is that you feel good about what’s happening and can forgive yourself for when it’s not perfect. Took me a long time to get to that, but I’m there now.