Sunday, September 12, 2010

1. I am a twenty-one-year-old female.

2. Around the seventh grade I got very into music, and one day I was looking up punk rock bands, and I accidentally stumbled across male/male slash fanfiction. My entire world changed.

3. I identify as bisexual. I’ve had two real relationships with men and two with women. I’ve kissed more women than men.

4. I’ve always known that I liked both genders, from the time I was in Catholic grade school. I used to hold hands with the other girls, and I never really understood why the teachers thought that was unacceptable. I’ve always been ultra-affectionate, but reluctantly, I began hiding my attraction to girls because of the way teachers would talk to me about my “behavior”.

5. Because of this, I upped the amount of time I spent flirting with and talking to boys. In retrospect I was severely overcompensating, but I wanted the adults to know I was someone they could look at and be proud of.

6. My first memory of masturbation was when I was six or seven. Disney’s Return of Jafar had just come out, and I had a very erotic dream about being forced to do the evil sorcerer’s bidding. I woke up panting and rubbing against my bed sheets. Since then I’ve always masturbated the same way, tangled in my sheets and using them to rub against my clitoris.

7. I hadn’t ever attempted to touch myself with my fingers until about six months ago. I’ve tried only a handful of times, but as soon as I feel my first finger pressing inside I either climax or get overstimulated and need to stop.

8. I’ve never been truly pleasured by a partner. My first girlfriend always made me do everything myself, because she was in an ‘experimental’ phase and wasn’t comfortable touching me. My first boyfriend tried to finger me twice and both times I told him to stop because it was horribly painful. The second boy was a virgin and nervous, and my current partner (another woman) and I are taking things very slowly.

9. Part of me is crushed by the previous, and the other relieved. I’ve always been ultra-sensitive about my vagina—as mentioned above, the few attempts I’ve had with it haven’t exactly turned out well— in fact, during my one and only ever pelvic exam I felt so violated that I sobbed and almost passed out.

10. I feel that this is the time to mention that I am also still a virgin. When my doctor tried to make a joke with me about the pain being from my still very, very intact hymen, I couldn’t hold back the responding, “No shit. Really.”

11. My first girlfriend was a completely toxic situation. I was an experiment for her, and even after we broke off the physical aspect of the relationship she completely dominated my life. I couldn’t go out without her permission, I couldn’t talk about my boyfriends, I gave her money when she had none… It went on for about five years. I finally walked away when she started seeing a man that began doing the exact thing to her she’d done to me. I couldn’t stand it.

12. My first boyfriend was very religious, and often talked about the importance of sexual purity. The funny thing about this is that when I was seventeen he asked me to give him head, and when I was reluctant to do so he made me feel horribly guilty. I finally gave in, and he broke up with me that same weekend.

13. The second time around with this same boyfriend he did the exact same thing. We were in his basement, making out, and he asked for head again (this was three years after the first time we’d dated). This time I said no, and he broke up with me two days later.

14. There has been one man that I, without even a second thought, would have had sex with any time, any place. He was a playboy, and I spent over three years trying to flirt my way into him making a move—I even let him take photos of me naked while we went skinny-dipping one night— it wasn’t until later that I found out that he only sleeps with girls who approach him first. That way he doesn’t have to deal with as much drama when he leaves them.

15. He never, ever, laid a hand on me.

16. I don’t think that he’s capable of ever really loving anyone but himself, and this thought more than anything else completely devastates me.

17. My second boyfriend was amazing. He was funny, he was intelligent, he was more than willing to make out or grope or frot anytime I wanted. He was also a virgin, and very shy about touching me or letting me touch him. We broke up because the attraction had died, it was very mutual and very easy for us to part ways.

18. I still write fanfiction. I still write mainly homo-erotica, though my interests have widened significantly. There is nothing that arouses me more than the thought of two men grinding against each other or giving each other head.

19. I met my current girlfriend writing erotica. We even write it together.

20. She is significantly older and more experienced than I am, but I rarely feel like I’m young around her. She has a way of making me feel completely at ease with myself and my desires, and I never feel as if she’s judging me.

21. In every relationship I’ve been in until now I’ve been the dominant party. As much as I enjoy the control and the thrill of being the one giving pleasure, there is nothing I’d like more than to be pushed down by my partner and taken to the brink. I’d like someone to want to do that for me.

22. I jokingly told my girlfriend that I’ve been the man in every relationship I’d had. She laughed and told me, “Well let’s both be women this time.” The idea is far, far too pleasing to be healthy.

23. I love my girlfriend’s body. She’s pear-shaped with small, perky breasts and a round ass... And while I think those are glorious and I love them, my favorite places on her body are her calves, shoulders, wrists and the very tops of her feet. For some reason those places, when I get a peek of them, arouse me to no end.

24. I have been in two long-distance relationships. The first boyfriend lived three hours away by car. My girlfriend lives two hours away by plane. I think that the distance works for me. I have no way to become annoyingly clingy or too affectionate, and there’s much more time to focus on emotional intimacy rather than the physical part of the relationship being the driving force.

25. I recently ordered my very first vibrator. I’m too excited for words.