Tuesday, November 9, 2010

1. Before I start any of this, I tend to keep my sexuality intensely private. I am ashamed of almost all of it to varying degrees, with the exception of my one committed relationship. If you're reading this stuff and it starts to sound too familiar, like you might know me, please skip on to the next one. I don't think I could deal with any friends or family finding this stuff out.

2. I'm a 21-year-old male-bodied bi-gender person. I've only had one sexual partner in my life, although I did finger one girl before that. It didn't last long, though, and I didn't feel anything.

3. The girl who I lost my virginity with is easily one of the hottest women I've ever seen. When I'm around her I tend to think about sex, although I think about sex a lot anyway.

4. We stopped having sex a while back and we're in a rough patch right now. The lack of sex really makes it hard for me to feel like there's a deep connection.

5. Sex is intensely emotional and personal for me. That kind of physical closeness to somebody is amazing, and it makes me really feel like they accept me and my body.

6. I hate my body. A lot of the time I forget what my face looks like. I'm fairly flabby and most of my features I just don't like at all. It's still a mystery to me that that girl found me attractive in the first place.

7. Although I am bi-gendered and don't plan on getting any kind of sexual reassignment surgery, I feel like it would have made so, so much more sense for me to have been born female.

8. I generally prefer the company of women by a lot, probably because they always seem to be way more accepting of my being bi-gendered. I feel like I can just be female around them if I want to. It also makes flirting really fun and easy.

9. My first serious girlfriend helped me crossdress on more than one occasion. It meant so much to me and, when I was all crossdressed, things really felt right. I still couldn't stand my body, but at least I could look how I wanted to in some way.

10. She let me borrow her high heels to go to my school's homecoming one year. I tried to hide them all night, but I never took them off. To this day I am absolutely amazed I did that.

11. Because I grew up as a guy and I was weird anyway--I got picked on a whole lot and became suicidal when I was really young, around 9--I became hyper-masculine in a lot of ways. I haven't cried for 9 years, but I cried all the time when I was a little kid.

12. I still can't bring myself to refer to myself as a girl, even when I'm feeling intensely female. I'm still really scared of it. I wish someone else would do it, though, because I would feel so legitimated. I don't want to tell anyone that.

13. I desperately want to dress as a woman many days, and the fact that I can't kills me. I'm afraid of so much, including violence, lack of employment and being disowned by my family.

14. Part of the reason I'm so scared is that when I came out to my parents my mom said it felt like a death to her. My biological dad was speed-addicted and abusive to her and I was never close to my stepdad until recently, so hearing that devastated me. I came out to her about it when I was 17 and didn't start identifying as queer again until I was almost 21. I'm still afraid to give her the full story and I can't stand the thought of my parents knowing. They are normally liberal people, but neither of my parents--especially my mom--understands what it means to be queer or how it affects me.

15. I think I might be attracted to men. For most of my life I thought I was totally straight but recently I keep seeing more guys and being struck by just how hot they are. I can't imagine anything sexual, but I can imagine being held by them and maybe kissing.

16. Although I'm generally far outside of the mainstream in my tastes in music or movies and I don't ever hang out with these types of people, I do see myself dressing and being a lot like the sorority girl type. There are a lot of them around my campus and, even though they get annoying sometimes, I wish I could be one of them.

17. I can't stand watching sex between anybody. The image of any kind of sex to me is just disgusting, especially straight sex. I've never seen gay male sex, but it still seems like it would be really unpleasant.

18. Because of that, I've never watched porn. I've watched videos of people stripping, but never of sex.

19. I love looking at pornographic pictures on the internet but only ever softcore stuff. I look at this stuff constantly.

20. I masturbate at least once a day. I am totally ashamed of it.

21. I didn't masturbate till I was either 16 or 17. Before that I just got a lot of very embarrassing wet dreams. When I did finally do it, it was because I was crossdressing with a weird-smelling pair of panties I found at a Goodwill (not dirty-smelling, but just that Goodwill sort of smell.) They were pretty ugly. I was trying to stuff my dick in between my legs but it was tricky, so I just kept pushing it back. Eventually I finally came. I was unbelievably ashamed and this is the first time I've ever told the whole story. Since then it's almost been an addiction.

22. I read a huge amount of gender transformation erotica. I've looked at it all over the internet and nothing gets me so horny. The idea of getting turned into a girl--particularly the process of getting a pair of boobs--is ridiculously hot to me.

23. It's even hotter when there's a mental transformation to the air-headed bimbo type of girl. I would love to somehow forcibly be turned into some giggly, dumb blonde girl with a really bimbo-ish voice. Part of this is probably that I pride myself on my intelligence and I really tend to excel in academics. It's sort of like people in power wanting to be the submissive partner in S&M. The process of crossdressing--putting on the clothes and all that--is also really hot to me.

24. Being female--as in actually dressing like a girl and letting myself be a girl--is really non-sexual for me. It just feels really nice and comfortable. However, I would really, really love to be dominated as a girl.

25. A lot of my friends are guys and I don't feel totally comfortable around them because I think they'd be really freaked out by me presenting as female.