Monday, January 24, 2011

1. I am a 21 year old fat cisgendered woman, and have never had sex with another person.

2. I thought I was a lesbian from when I was about 13 to 18 years old. In the eighth grade, I discovered that I had romantic feelings for a close friend of mine. The idea tormented me, but I ended up with the idea that I MUST be a lesbian. (Convenient, because boys didn't care for me too much.) Luckily, she ended up having feelings for me too. My first relationship and first kiss filled me with confidence. Making out was lovely and hot. After this relationship ended, I still stuck with the lesbian monicker, and came out to many people. Through high school, identifying as gay gave me something to be--an identity to align myself with. I found a good group of friends. I helped found our school's Gay-Straight Alliance. When people made rude comments to me, I found the strength to reject those comments through the identity I had forged.

3. Identity and sexual desires didn't really add up in this situation, though. I have been an active masturbator since I was about 8 or 9, and masturbate 2-3 times a week, on average. So, I was actively thinking about my sexual desires a lot. When I would try to imagine myself with women, or imagine women's bodies, I didn't really get much out of it. When I noticed that men turned me on, I repressed those feelings because they conflicted with my supposed identity. I did allow myself to fantasize about being a man penetrating a woman, and that's what I got off on a lot of the time. I don't consider myself a lesbian now, but I wouldn't completely rule out the possibility of having sex with a woman. Right now, I'm not going to go out of my way to seek that out, though.

4. Around the time that I started masturbating and before, I started becoming fascinated with penises. I wanted one. I still do, sometimes. Some of my earlier sexual fantasies involved having a penis and adorning it with things... I don't really know how to describe it besides that. When I discovered the internet, I also discovered that you could see penises on the internet. Oh no. I looked at this one picture of a man's penis and balls in a harness almost every time I was on the internet and my parents weren't around. I really liked the idea that you could constrict it and put it in things, perhaps even under clothing in public.

5. Among my other early sexual fantasies were medical procedures and ceremonial/tribal sex. For the former, I remember being absolutely intrigued by this building near where my mom worked--a urological doctor's office. I wondered what went on in there. I imagined fluids being collected, instruments being inserted, etc. I still think medical play sounds really, really hot. There's something about it that utterly thrills me. I also created a really elaborate culture/religion that I used in many of my sexual fantasies when I was little. The name of this culture escapes me, but the focal point of their religious activities had to do with highly ritualized sexual ceremonies in which one lost their virginity at a certain age, having a high priest/shaman impregnate all the women, etc. The practices were never set in stone, and I shifted and changed them around at will. I do remember that their "language" was simply our language but backwards, as in all the letters were reversed. One easy way to do it, I guess.

6. Up until the middle of high school, a lot of my sexual fantasies took place in an extensive fantasy world. Basically, I would imagine myself stopping time and venturing into this alternate reality that I was the controller of. There was some sort of backstory to this, where this mythological entity bestowed this power unto me, but this wasn't really important, and I have since forgotten the details. The major attraction of this world was a house that contained everything I could ever want in it. I could even step into this machine and change my physical body if I wanted to, and turn into a man. I could create people at will. (I never actually destroyed any people, but I guess I could have. I didn't really want to, though.) Some of my most elaborate fantasies took place there. Since this was my imagination, and money didn't exist, I could create complicated sex machines and medical apparatuses and wear any sort of costume that turned me on. (Later, when I got into doing drugs, I could even use this facility to "experiment" without completely messing my psyche up [which was ultimately what happened as I used more and more "real" drugs.]) Basically, what I'm saying is that imagination rocks, and it was a huge part of my sexual fantasies.

7. In the past few years, I've stopped going into my alternate reality because my sexual fantasies have started becoming about real people who exist in this world. When I was younger I felt incredibly guilty about thinking sexual thoughts about anyone "real", probably because I felt so unattractive and unwanted by real people. I have always been overweight and uncomfortable in social situations, and both of those things led to me not having many romantic encounters at all. Once I started being comfortable with my sexuality, though, I realized that there were actual people who I wanted to boink.

8. Around this time, I got into a really strange relationship with a guy. Neither of us had any idea what we were doing, but I could at least play along better than he could. He was 23, and I was 19 when we started dating, so this was pretty recently. I gave him his first kiss. I thought he was a virgin too, but he wasn't. He had met men from Craigslist to have sex with. When he told me that, I found it unsettling, but I couldn't really put my finger on why. I think I was drawn to him because he was so vulnerable, and I thought that he wasn't going to be able to dominate or control me in any sort of manner. I also was intrigued by him--I knew there were lots of dark and mysterious parts to him that I wanted to know. He was cute. Looked very inquisitive. Beautiful blue eyes and long long long red hair, about at his waist. He seemed absolutely freespirited, not caring whether other people thought he was strange. Intellectually stimulating. Mischievous, like some sort of mythological sprite or devil. I almost thought that because he was so vulnerable, he couldn't hurt me. I was wrong about that one. After he started being in and out of psychiatric hospitals, I started realizing it probably wasn't very healthy for me to be so obsessed with this boy.

9. We "dated" for about a month. It was kind of cute at this point. We snuggled a lot. He was always the little spoon. (He was stick-thin and tiny and such a little boy, so he wasn't going to be the big spoon.) I attempted to make out with him several times, but I just don't think he understood the concept. We talked about it. He didn't really get it. I liked being wanted by somebody, but I knew I wasn't getting what I wanted. Our one sexual experience happened when we locked ourselves in one of the study rooms in his dorm hall to cuddle, and I proposed that he should watch me masturbate. Throughout the experience, he kept on giggling, saying that he didn't know what he should do. I just wanted him to do something, ANYTHING but sit there paralyzed. He didn't touch me except for when he was told to, and not in a D/s way. He told me that it had been really hot, and that it should happen again sometime. I, frankly, felt dead. Horrible. I had finally found someone to share my sexuality with, and he was completely unable to reciprocate my feelings. I thought we had really understood each other, but we really didn't. Both of us have fairly similar personalities, and I realized that neither of us felt that we could open ourselves up to taking chances and being hurt. Neither of us wanted to make a first move because that would make us vulnerable. I didn't want to do anything to hurt him because I thought that he would go off and kill himself if I did something wrong. I ignored myself a lot in our relationship. I focused on helping him get better at the expense of my own mental stability.

10. After we broke up, I still had a very strong emotional and sexual attachment to him. For better or worse, we stayed friends. He ended up staying the object of my sexuality. During the relationship, I fantasized about him taking control--telling me he wanted to fuck me, being firm and dominant (but not forcing me to do anything I didn't want to). After we officially broke up, I started fantasizing about me being the one in control. Tying him up, fucking him senseless. Though he had never been in a relationship before, he had had sex with boys from the internet, so I thought about buying a strap-on and surprising him, even though I knew this would not be a good idea.. He had told me earlier in a particularly intimate conversation that the only sexual fantasy that he has ever had and continues to have is one of being raped and killed. He felt really guilty and embarrassed about that. I certainly didn't want to kill him, and I didn't want to do anything without his consent. I wanted to play it out with him, though. I wanted to make him moan. I wanted to show him that sexual experiences could be positive. I wanted to be the one giving him erections. It hasn't been that long since these fantasies stopped, and I still think about it sometimes.

11. Those fantasies got so intense that they bled into our friendship. I started not being able to interact with him without turning things into a sexual game. I would chide and berate him (jokingly) because it turned me on. If he would ask for things, I would deny him. In those awkward moments where we fell back into touching each other, I would tease him, only letting him get so close to me that he wanted more. I started realizing that, again, this was not healthy. I was playing a one-sided sexual game with someone who wasn't even aware of it. Though he acknowledged his feelings from time to time, I realized that I was manipulating him for my own sexual purposes. I decided to come clean. We sat in my car on a rainy day. It was summer- we had both been at our respective parents' houses, but came back to our college town to visit friends at the same time. After battling vulnerability and embarrassment, I told him what I wanted to do to him. It was extraordinarily hard to say the words, or to even articulate what it was I felt. I knew he wasn't the type of person who would just think I was a freak and leave, but I felt like that would happen. He said he was "flattered" and turned on, but was extremely hesitant to agree to anything. Ultimately, we decided not to experiment. We still talk about sex and tease each other. It drives me crazy. Not in a good way or a bad way, just crazy. I should probably cut that out.

12. I sometimes feel bitter about still being a virgin (non-voluntarily) at my age, but when I really think about it, me being a virgin just reiterates the fact that I'm just now learning to actually connect to other people, be confident, and let myself be vulnerable. I naturally find it challenging to connect with other people in general, so this barrier isn't just sexual. The times when my bitterness is at its worst are when I am comparing myself to my friends and I realize that they are all more "experienced" than me. I feel like they've lived more life than I have, though some of them are even younger than me. This is an ongoing struggle. Right now, I feel okay about it.

13. My experience of being a fat woman has influenced every part of my life, especially my sexuality. When I was younger I used to think I was doomed or forsaken or something. I grew up fat, and I continue to be fat. After many failed restrictive and disgusting diets of many colors, I realized that it was time for me to stop waiting until I was at a "normal" weight to live my life. This was very recently- I've been in this process of greater acceptance for about a year now. Once I started accepting myself, my sexuality really started blossoming. Now, I feel so much freer thinking about and experiencing my sexuality. I think one of the most radical things a fat person can do is to accept and love their body, and enjoy it in any way possible. That's what I'm trying to do. I want people to look at my body, realize that I am happy, and be challenged by that.

14. The porn I watch tends to be amateur porn. I really like watching men jerk off. I also really like watching them insert catheters or sounds. I also like the idea that the people doing the jerking off are real, and are actually getting off.

15. There's something about cum that is really hot to me. I don't particularly want to give blow jobs, or have semen in my mouth. The idea of that actually kind of turns me off. I like the idea of a man coming all over himself, or in and around my vagina. I like the idea that I could be the one to make a man cum.

16. I don't know if I really have a "type", but I do tend to like guys that are skinnier than me, for better or worse. It's rare when I see someone I find REALLY attractive. I like smart guys, but not ones that sit around and quote philosophers all day. I like long hair, defiance of gender norms, and glasses.

17. I don't really like the idea of someone going down on me. I think I'm kind of self-conscious about the way my body smells. It doesn't smell horrible, normally, but I am afraid my natural stench might upset someone else. My clitoris is also really sensitive- light touches and wetness tend to make it too sensitive. I use a lot of hard pressure above my clitoris when I masturbate- never on the head itself.

18. I tried playing with catheters a couple times. It wasn't as hot as I thought it was going to be, but it was still kind of hot.

19. I have not told anyone this before, but I really think it would be hot to be fucked by a dog. I am embarrassed by this because I am a strong advocate for animal rights and most people who work in this area probably would not find this kosher. I don't want to force a dog to have sex with me. To my understanding, sometimes they want to do it on their own. And I think that would be really hot. It probably will never happen in real life because, ethically, I am strongly for spay/neutering of animals, and neutered dogs tend not to want to fuck around so much. Cat and dog overpopulation is an issue, and so many animals need homes. I think that outweighs the fantasy in this case. I still like thinking about it, though.

20. I like to masturbate before I go to sleep. I have a lot of trouble falling asleep, and more times than not, it helps me along.

21. The only people who have seen me naked besides my sister and parents were a group of people I stayed with on a commune one summer. It was hot as hell outside, and one of the favorite activities on the farm was to venture down to the river and go swimming naked. At first I just wanted to skip that and go hole up in my bunk bed and read a book, but I eventually decided to go. I didn't feel ashamed at all. I was the fattest one there, and for once, I didn't feel like a complete freak. Everyone's bodies were really beautiful and real. I felt really free. We played naked Frisbee. It was great.

22. I like thinking about gay men having sex. The main focus for me is the man on the receiving end, and him being hard and dripping semen. (It sounds really weird writing specific sexual images out. The words are there, but they don't seem to accurately describe what it is I'm getting horny over.)

23. In terms of dominance and submission, I'd like to try them both. In either case, though, there absolutely needs to be consent. I don't want to do anything to anyone that they don't want me to do. In fact, the main factor of D/s sex to me is that both parties really WANT to be doing these things to each other. The submissive party WANTS to be slapped and fucked, and the dominant one WANTS to do the slapping and fucking. I would play out a rape scenario with someone if we discussed it beforehand--I don't think I could handle fucking someone while they are saying no or struggling, even if it was in a fantasy/play situation. If I was the dominant party, I would really get off knowing that my sub wanted me to deny him, wanted me to spank him, wanted me to tease him. I could only do this if I really trusted the other person.

24. I don't really have an interest in having one night stands--I want some emotional involvement going on. I think it's mainly that I don't find most people attractive--it takes someone really special and strange to catch my eye. I won't rule casual sex out. (If I ever go to Burning Man, especially.)

25. I tried to calculate a minimum number of orgasms I've had in my life a couple of times. I've been masturbating since I was nine, at the very very latest. At the very least, I masturbate once a week. I almost always orgasm. So, at the VERY VERY LEAST, I have had 624 orgasms. That sounds like a lot. That is a lot. And they don't ever get boring. :)